Waiting

[Sexiness]

This is exactly why I came on this site.... So I can see why other ppl in my situation went through and how they handled it.... @ woinlove u are an extremely strong person and I hope to have the balls that u have to put my foot down and only take what I want to take an no more.... How long after Dday did u he move out?

[lilbunny]

I know I'm not lilbunny but my answer to that question is another question, ha ha. How much time are you ok with giving him? How long do you want to wait?

 

I'm with Star on this.

 

You know what you have invested, you know your mm and if it comes down to it I think you know in yourself if and when you are ready to let go. I really do think you have to be ready, nobody can tell you when that is.

 

Hang in there.

[Sexiness]

I know I'm not lilbunny but my answer to that question is another question, ha ha. How much time are you ok with giving him? How long do you want to wait?

 

I really don't know cuz I have no kids no ties much things, I hve a good job, live by myself and I seem to have nothig but time on my hands so I don't know how much time is suitable..... I was thinking maybe I'll figure that out when I talk to him.....But at the same time I feel like I need to be prepared with my time line in mind.... 9 months sounds reasonable right? Or unless someone better comes along.... O my, I can't believe I even said that....hmmm strange ....does this mean i'm moving on?..... Lmao I'll do what I always do, push ppl away cuz I'm waiting for him

[lilbunny]

I really don't know cuz I have no kids no ties much things, I hve a good job, live by myself and I seem to have nothig but time on my hands so I don't know how much time is suitable..... I was thinking maybe I'll figure that out when I talk to him.....But at the same time I feel like I need to be prepared with my time line in mind.... 9 months sounds reasonable right? Or unless someone better comes along.... O my, I can't believe I even said that....hmmm strange ....does this mean i'm moving on?..... Lmao I'll do what I always do, push ppl away cuz I'm waiting for him

 

I am in the same situation as you lifestyle-wise. I think for me that made it harder- being alone with time on my hands.

 

I am making a real effort to move on, I'm not there yet, but I did know I had to because it was just all too much. Be honest with him about how you feel when you talk.

[Sexiness]

@ lilbunny I read ur very first thread when u first joined this site and I can tell u I went through the same thing.... @ 3 mths with my MM I broke up with him because it was too much for me... I was constantly putting my friends family and my life on hold for him and I wasn't really getting much in return.... We got back together and now we can't imagine it any other way but trust me Hun.... That time was the hardest ever... I am also much younger than him and I think it bothered him cuz he didn't know if i was gonna be there for him if he did decide to leave.... He didn't say he loved at first because he took that phrase pretty serious.... But now, he says it everyday..,, anyways I was just letting u know that I feel ur pain... So how are things now?

[fooled once]

I'd like to suggest that JJ's attempt to discredit other posters here because they provide a different viewpoint than hers isn't indicative of everyone here on LS.

 

Simply because some of us have been on the other side of the triangle, it doesn't negate the value or even the compassion in some of the advice you'll receive from those people.

 

At this point, there isn't much you can do but wait to see what he chooses to do from here. Wait and see what it is he wants to discuss with you.

 

Try to keep your stress down in the meantime. Workout, eat right, and try to distract yourself with other things. If you have friends/family that you can turn to, that's always a bonus as well.

 

My only other suggestion to you would be that you should consider what it is you want to happen here...short-term and long. Once you work that out...work out what has to happen to reach that goal...and start implementing a plan.

 

What is it you want to happen...and what will it take to make it happen?

 

Thank you Owl for letting the OP know that those that aren't current OW are able to look, maybe even more objectively, at situations and provide insight.

 

Hey lilbunny ..... Thanks for the advice..... We were supposed to be NC for the last couple days but it hasn't happened yet ... It's like we can't stay away from each other ... It's hard and I respect his W.... So I haven't called he has called me and he says he is going to try to get things as good as he can so he can leave on his terms so that she doesn't try to keep is child from him and he can get a seperate acct and try to save as much money as he can so that he can leave.... He says he wants to make sure that I'm ok and that I won't leave him but he doesn't think him and his W will work so please give him some time to leave under better circumstances.... Am I stupid to believe this or what.... As I said before, I have a good heart and I do love him but I also don't want to be played... I don't feel like he is playing me but I guess he alone knows.....

 

I wouldn't call you stupid. I would call you naive. He is manipulating you. if he really wanted a divorce, the discovery of you and he on vacation together is the PERFECT time for him to make the announcement to his wife that the marriage is over.

 

Time? Time for what? The courts will decide his visitation - she doesn't get a say so. If you are in the United States, most courts are leaning towards 50/50 custody for divorced parents. He will most likely pay support and if he is not awarded 50/50 custody, he will have joint custody.

 

He wants to secretly stash money away? That is kinda funny because it WILL come out in a divorce if he has done this. I think he is feeding you stuff to get you to continue to be his girl on the side.

 

I really don't know cuz I have no kids no ties much things, I hve a good job, live by myself and I seem to have nothig but time on my hands so I don't know how much time is suitable..... I was thinking maybe I'll figure that out when I talk to him.....But at the same time I feel like I need to be prepared with my time line in mind.... 9 months sounds reasonable right? Or unless someone better comes along.... O my, I can't believe I even said that....hmmm strange ....does this mean i'm moving on?..... Lmao I'll do what I always do, push ppl away cuz I'm waiting for him

 

9 months???? Are you kidding? What is going to take 9 months? He has the perfect opportunity NOW to end his marriage and he isn't.

 

What does that say to you?

 

His ACTIONS do not match his words.

[Star_Bright]

This is exactly why I came on this site.... So I can see why other ppl in my situation went through and how they handled it.... @ woinlove u are an extremely strong person and I hope to have the balls that u have to put my foot down and only take what I want to take an no more.... How long after Dday did u he move out?

 

Hi, not sure if this question was meant for me but I'll answer in case it was.

 

After D-Day I went out of state to stay with my family; I wanted to be done with the A and because I wanted out, he wanted to work on things with his wife. (Really maybe he wanted to keep both of us as options).

 

We still talked from a distance and a month later I came back. We right away fell back into the affair. He went even deeper than we were before and said he is sure he wants to be with me and get divorced etc. But he was staying put, and denying me to his wife, so I couldn't take it anymore and that's when I told him I was walking away and not to contact me unless he moved out. I would say this was about three weeks after I returned from being out state (so about a month and three weeks after D-Day but three weeks after resuming A full-on, even deeper than it had been previously). Less than a week after I walked away he called and said he was moving out in 8 days, and then he did move out... if you call moving some stuff into a friend's vacant house moving out... which I did at the time because I know it was a big step for him. So all in all it took less than two months after D-day for him to move out, and for one month I was away and we were trying to end the affair.

 

I think the important time period is that it took him about 12 days to move out after I told him not to talk to me unless he had moved out (and he had decided to move out 3 days after I told him that -- he just decided to do it in 8 more days, LOL).

 

So to me that showed me that he was serious about being with me, but then I kept having to push him every step of the way, not by saying "do this now" but more by saying "if you can't do this then it's not the right relationship for me right now, I can't handle it." So pretty much the same as MAKING him do things, except he claims he wanted to do them but I just gave him the motivation because he knows I was right that if he loved me he would show me with actions and not just words and wants.

 

I hope this helps. Good luck.

[Sexiness]

Hi, not sure if this question was meant for me but I'll answer in case it was.

 

After D-Day I went out of state to stay with my family; I wanted to be done with the A and because I wanted out, he wanted to work on things with his wife. (Really maybe he wanted to keep both of us as options).

 

We still talked from a distance and a month later I came back. We right away fell back into the affair. He went even deeper than we were before and said he is sure he wants to be with me and get divorced etc. But he was staying put, and denying me to his wife, so I couldn't take it anymore and that's when I told him I was walking away and not to contact me unless he moved out. I would say this was about three weeks after I returned from being out state (so about a month and three weeks after D-Day but three weeks after resuming A full-on, even deeper than it had been previously). Less than a week after I walked away he called and said he was moving out in 8 days, and then he did move out... if you call moving some stuff into a friend's vacant house moving out... which I did at the time because I know it was a big step for him. So all in all it took less than two months after D-day for him to move out, and for one month I was away and we were trying to end the affair.

 

I think the important time period is that it took him about 12 days to move out after I told him not to talk to me unless he had moved out (and he had decided to move out 3 days after I told him that -- he just decided to do it in 8 more days, LOL).

 

So to me that showed me that he was serious about being with me, but then I kept having to push him every step of the way, not by saying "do this now" but more by saying "if you can't do this then it's not the right relationship for me right now, I can't handle it." So pretty much the same as MAKING him do things, except he claims he wanted to do them but I just gave him the motivation because he knows I was right that if he loved me he would show me with actions and not just words and wants.

 

I hope this helps. Good luck.

 

Yes my message was intended for u... And yes this info does help...... I think I'm pretty much prepared for our "sit down talk" in the next couple days .... I gonna make sure he knows what I want and how long he has to make it happen and I'll be sure to update u... Thanks again..

[kuma]

I do believe he went home to do some damage control.... And I don't blame him.... His world was about to be turned upside down... When we went on vacation he had no reason to be concerned about his child because the child was with his mother ... The wife started saying she was gonna jump off the bridge or jump in the car and just keep driving ... That's why he was concerned about the child.... Either way I just need help with dealing one way or the other if he chooses me, how do I support him through this time. If he chooses her should I cut off all contacts or continue talking to him or what? I have never been in this situation and I am blinded by love and feel a desperate need to be helpful in the situation

 

Well, his affair turned his wife's world upside down. I'm a bit shocked he doesn't seem to care about his wife's well being. And another thing is their neighbor knew about the affair. Anyway, he's treating her badly so I hope he'll leave her for you.

Edited October 12, 2010 by kuma

[whichwayisup]

It's a shame you're only acknowledging posts that you want "hear" and side with you. Many other posters, reguardless of WHO they are, have given you some thoughtful, respectful and helpful advice, yet you've completely ignored acknowledging them. I really hope you read what they've written and know it's coming from a good place, not cruel or malcious place.

[Sexiness]

hOw many times do I have to say this??????? I appreciate every single comment on my post.... I may not reply to every one but I see every ones position and I respect everyone opinion..... Some I agree with some I don't..... But I am open to it all... What else do u want from me really? Again I will say this again... I thank everyone for their comments and appreciate more comments If u have them... Even if I don't reply to u does not mean I don't agree with what u say...... Thank u very much.... THE END

[whichwayisup]

hOw many times do I have to say this??????? I appreciate every single comment on my post.... I may not reply to every one but I see every ones position and I respect everyone opinion..... Some I agree with some I don't..... But I am open to it all... What else do u want from me really? Again I will say this again... I thank everyone for their comments and appreciate more comments If u have them... Even if I don't reply to u does not mean I don't agree with what u say...... Thank u very much.... THE END

 

My mistake then, I thought you had agreed with JJ and was ignoring the other replies.

 

Like I tell many other OW, shield your heart. Right now this is out of your control. If your gut feels something is off or it doesn't feel right, LISTEN to it. Don't let your emotions rule over what you feel inside, that inner voice is there for a reason..

[SidLyon]

Ok I'll try again after getting infracted for my other post. I'm sorry about that.

 

Sexiness, what your MM is doing after d-day is what many do. They try to keep the A going while finding all sorts of reasons not to end the marriage.

 

Some are successful at this but my impression from reading LS is that most are not able to easily do this. I'm a fBW and my fWH tried this too.

 

Within 2 weeks of d-day he realised it wasn't going to work. We were in MC and the counselor looked at him and said something to the effect of "if you are still in contact with the OW then none of this is going to work". I suspect the counselor knew more than I did about how common it is. He said he wasn't still in contact and then later admitted to me that he had been. He then ended it with the OW for good.

 

You need to bear in mind that while you might be willing to give him time to sort himself out (9 months I think you said), his wife is unlikely to be willing to give him this sort of time. She is most likely saying to him that he is either with her or needs to get out. If he doesn't leave her immediately you can be absolutely guaranteed that he is telling her that he has chosen to be with her and has ended it with you.

 

He may try to continue with you of course but that doesn't change the fact that if he stays married his lies to his wife are of a whole new dimension and scale once a d-day has occurred.

[jennie-jennie]

It's a shame you're only acknowledging posts that you want "hear" and side with you. Many other posters, reguardless of WHO they are, have given you some thoughtful, respectful and helpful advice, yet you've completely ignored acknowledging them. I really hope you read what they've written and know it's coming from a good place, not cruel or malcious place.

 

My mistake then, I thought you had agreed with JJ and was ignoring the other replies.

 

What I said was:

 

Take what helps you and leave the rest.

 

Something I learnt in the 12-step program.

Edited October 12, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[whichwayisup]

I see I am the first other woman to respond to your thread. The two that have responded so far are former betrayed spouses.

 

Your first opening remarks on this thread to her was the above. That says and implies alot. Sorry, my 2 cents..

But, it doesn't matter anymore, I see she's open to the idea of 'anyone' replying to her threads and taking in the advice.

[Sexiness]

Ok I'll try again after getting infracted for my other post. I'm sorry about that.

 

Sexiness, what your MM is doing after d-day is what many do. They try to keep the A going while finding all sorts of reasons not to end the marriage.

 

Some are successful at this but my impression from reading LS is that most are not able to easily do this. I'm a fBW and my fWH tried this too.

 

Within 2 weeks of d-day he realised it wasn't going to work. We were in MC and the counselor looked at him and said something to the effect of "if you are still in contact with the OW then none of this is going to work". I suspect the counselor knew more than I did about how common it is. He said he wasn't still in contact and then later admitted to me that he had been. He then ended it with the OW for good.

 

You need to bear in mind that while you might be willing to give him time to sort himself out (9 months I think you said), his wife is unlikely to be willing to give him this sort of time. She is most likely saying to him that he is either with her or needs to get out. If he doesn't leave her immediately you can be absolutely guaranteed that he is telling her that he has chosen to be with her and has ended it with you.

 

He may try to continue with you of course but that doesn't change the fact that if he stays married his lies to his wife are of a whole new dimension and scale once a d-day has occurred.

 

 

From different comments that I have read, I have noticed that it seems to be the trend that after dday the mm tries to hold on to everyody until he soon let's go of the ow .... It looks like 9 months is way to long to wait.... I see him in 2 days and I will tell him that he has a chance to get out now and if he doesn't then that means he really doesn't want to be with me.... So we will see ..... I still feel like giving him a time line for about 1 month at least but I am glad u commented because like alot of responders u have a great point....

[jennie-jennie]

Your first opening remarks on this thread to her was the above. That says and implies alot. Sorry, my 2 cents..

But, it doesn't matter anymore, I see she's open to the idea of 'anyone' replying to her threads and taking in the advice.

 

All that excerpt says is that I was the first other woman to respond to this thread and that the two that had responded so far were former betrayed spouses. Anything beyond that is your own interpretation.

[whichwayisup]

From different comments that I have read, I have noticed that it seems to be the trend that after dday the mm tries to hold on to everyody until he soon let's go of the ow .... It looks like 9 months is way to long to wait.... I see him in 2 days and I will tell him that he has a chance to get out now and if he doesn't then that means he really doesn't want to be with me.... So we will see ..... I still feel like giving him a time line for about 1 month at least but I am glad u commented because like alot of responders u have a great point....

 

You'll know in your heart when enough is enough and you're ready to throw in the towel. You'll see certain prolonging 'lies' or excuses "my kids bday is coming up' Thanksgiving ,can't leave then. Can't leave too close to Christmas, and New Years? that's family time. Oh February - That's too close to Valentine's Day. March? Well, that's our anniversary then two weeks later is HER birthday so I can't leave then.. Let's aim for next summer, oh wait, after my kid comes back from camp, yes.. NO, wait, after our family cruise, can't let them down, it was planned a year ago.. But then school is starting up again in September .. And so on. You will see a pattern. He will say anything and everything to you but not follow it up with actions.

 

If his marriage is truly over, then time will tell. If he doesn't love his wife and wants a divorce, he'll divorce her, reguardless if you're waiting for him or not.

 

Focus on you now, your friends, family and hobbies. Keep busy and don't put all your eggs in one basket.

[Sexiness]

I am considering alot of differnt options in dealing with my MM after DDay .... So please bear with me with my choices and I will update u guys with the outcome.... Please continue to flood this post with options and possibly a conversation starter thanks....

[whichwayisup]

All that excerpt says is that I was the first other woman to respond to this thread and that the two that had responded so far were former betrayed spouses. Anything beyond that is your own interpretation.

 

I wasn't the only one who interpretted it that way JJ.

[jennie-jennie]

hahaha... that darn marriage... those damn kids, always getting in the way of things.

 

That was badly phrased of me. Of course the bonds to your kids are strong and should so remain. What I meant was that many MM confuse that with keeping the family intact.

[jennie-jennie]

I wasn't the only one who interpretted it that way JJ.

 

That doesn't make your interpretation right.

 

I am tired of people insinuating that I meant more than I meant. If you do not like my post, report it, don't start building it into something it never was.

[Sexiness]

hahaha... that darn marriage... those damn kids, always getting in the way of things.

 

That's not very nice to say..... And by no means do I side with this comment....

[GreenEyedLady]

hOw many times do I have to say this??????? I appreciate every single comment on my post.... I may not reply to every one but I see every ones position and I respect everyone opinion..... Some I agree with some I don't..... But I am open to it all... What else do u want from me really? Again I will say this again... I thank everyone for their comments and appreciate more comments If u have them... Even if I don't reply to u does not mean I don't agree with what u say...... Thank u very much.... THE END

 

I think you need to search and decide what you want. Are you willing to wait and find out what is going on with him? Or are you done?

 

I always think, it ain't over til it's over. It will definitely be more difficult, but do what you feel in your heart you need to.

 

There are people here who will support and not tell you to just go no contact (NC).

 

GEL

[Sexiness]

You'll know in your heart when enough is enough and you're ready to throw in the towel. You'll see certain prolonging 'lies' or excuses "my kids bday is coming up' Thanksgiving ,can't leave then. Can't leave too close to Christmas, and New Years? that's family time. Oh February - That's too close to Valentine's Day. March? Well, that's our anniversary then two weeks later is HER birthday so I can't leave then.. Let's aim for next summer, oh wait, after my kid comes back from camp, yes.. NO, wait, after our family cruise, can't let them down, it was planned a year ago.. But then school is starting up again in September .. And so on. You will see a pattern. He will say anything and everything to you but not follow it up with actions.

 

If his marriage is truly over, then time will tell. If he doesn't love his wife and wants a divorce, he'll divorce her, reguardless if you're waiting for him or not.

 

Focus on you now, your friends, family and hobbies. Keep busy and don't put all your eggs in one basket.

 

Yea I do see the rationality here.... Never looked at it that way.....