Sexiness Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Hello I am new to this... I have no one to talk to and came across this site... Well I love this man with everything inside of me... I know he loves me aswell for a number of different reasons... We recently went on our very first vacation and while we were gone, his wife hacked into his and my facebook account and discovered evrything about the affair and that we were on vacation together..... Needless to say our vaca was cut short. He told me he was glad it happened because he wanted us to be together finally... But he didn't like the way it happened.... Anyways he went home to deal with the issue and was able to call me that night to tell me we need to sit and talk.... I am extremely scared of the nature of the conversation and have not been able to sleep.... In 3-4 days is when this sit down is supposed to take place and I have no clue what to expect or what to do till then or how to react if he chooses her over me...PLEASE HELP
greengoddess Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 I'm sorry. I think you better prepare yourself for the I'm going to try to work it out with my wife speech. If he was out of the house or if the marriage was over he would be communicating with you. Sorry.
Author Sexiness Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 Hi there... I believe what u said... That was the only thing that was goin through my head... The reason he is home is because he was concerned about his young child... While we were on vaca, his neighbor that knows everything that is going on called him and told him that he was worried about the baby and that he thinks he should come home ..... During my wait, he asked me much I paid for my divorce since I am recently divorced aswell.... So maybe that's a good sign ......
greengoddess Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Honestly, they all use the kid as an excuse. I think he went home to do damage control. I'm sorry. Also, if he was that concerned with his young child he would not be off running around on vacation with you and not with his kid.
Author Sexiness Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 I do believe he went home to do some damage control.... And I don't blame him.... His world was about to be turned upside down... When we went on vacation he had no reason to be concerned about his child because the child was with his mother ... The wife started saying she was gonna jump off the bridge or jump in the car and just keep driving ... That's why he was concerned about the child.... Either way I just need help with dealing one way or the other if he chooses me, how do I support him through this time. If he chooses her should I cut off all contacts or continue talking to him or what? I have never been in this situation and I am blinded by love and feel a desperate need to be helpful in the situation
bentnotbroken Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 I do believe he went home to do some damage control.... And I don't blame him.... His world was about to be turned upside down... When we went on vacation he had no reason to be concerned about his child because the child was with his mother ... The wife started saying she was gonna jump off the bridge or jump in the car and just keep driving ... That's why he was concerned about the child.... Either way I just need help with dealing one way or the other if he chooses me, how do I support him through this time. If he chooses her should I cut off all contacts or continue talking to him or what? I have never been in this situation and I am blinded by love and feel a desperate need to be helpful in the situation What would you want you to do if you were in her shoes? Maybe that will lead you, maybe not?
greengoddess Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 What would you want you to do if you were in her shoes? Maybe that will lead you, maybe not? exactly. This woman is so torn apart by your intrusion in her marraige and of course her husbands actions that she is speaking of killing herself. Step away for a bit. Let him clean up his mess first without his wife worrying about you.
Author Sexiness Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 I agree with you guys I will stay away so that they can deal with their marriage ....
Author Sexiness Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 I agree with you guys I will stay away so that they can deal with their marriage ....
jennie-jennie Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Hi, Sexiness! I see I am the first other woman to respond to your thread. The two that have responded so far are former betrayed spouses. I completely understand your nervousness. Breathe and try to stay calm. Trust the love you two have. Whatever will be said during the coming conversation it might not be the actual end of your relationship. The bonds between a married man and his other woman tend to be strong. Unfortunately the bonds of marriage and children are often also strong. So many married men find themselves continuing both relationships, or flip-flopping between them. The only thing you can do as the other woman, is decide whether you are prepared to stay with the man you love or not, whether you are prepared to endure the rollercoasters which will inevitably come. Remember: trust the love you two have, trust the bond, it will carry you through whatever is to come.
whichwayisup Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 I see I am the first other woman to respond to your thread. The two that have responded so far are former betrayed spouses. Does this really matter? OMG, let it go. Advice is advice. How long has your MM been married and how long has your affair been going on? I agree with you guys I will stay away so that they can deal with their marriage .... It is best to shield your heart during this time. They share a child together and that bond IS strong. He obviously loved his wife enough to marry her and have kid(s) with her. This is out of your control, whatever happens between him and his wife, how they decide to handle this, you get no say in it. Remember: trust the love you two have, trust the bond, it will carry you through whatever is to come. SO the love they share is much more powerful and stronger than what he has with his wife? If that was the case, he'd be out the door already and on the way to divorcing.
Author Sexiness Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 Jj thank you so much for ur comment.... It does make a difference coming from someone who has been through it before..... I am having some difficulty understanding the different terminology used on this site eg. "BS" etc .... Lol.... Hope u can shed some light..... Thanks again... I don't fell so alone anymore
jennie-jennie Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Jj thank you so much for ur comment.... It does make a difference coming from someone who has been through it before..... I am having some difficulty understanding the different terminology used on this site eg. "BS" etc .... Lol.... Hope u can shed some light..... Thanks again... I don't fell so alone anymore Here, go to this link, it will help you with the terminology: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t228723/ You are not alone. Even though the site is full of betrayed spouses and former other women who regret ever being in an affair, there is a handful of us other women who understand where you are at. Take what helps you and leave the rest. At one point in our relationship my MM decided to work on his marriage and that we should go NC for three months while he was doing that. This was a truly awful time, full of anxiety of whether our relationship was ending or not. I can imagine you are feeling now how I felt then. Luckily my MM could only do 6 days without me. Hugs.
Minnie09 Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 OP, you can't really do much at this stage. Just wait it out. It's his decision (or a family decision, if you want). If he chooses you, be aware that you might be 2nd choice, because she kicked him out (understandably so). How long have you been involved? Did you get divorced as a (direct or indirect) result of this A?
Author Sexiness Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 My divorce was not as a result of my A... We have been together for a little over a year....
Author Sexiness Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 Thanks jj that really helps.... Having someone in your corner is extremely helpful.... This headache I had for days is slowly fading away
Owl Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Here, go to this link, it will help you with the terminology: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t228723/ You are not alone. Even though the site is full of betrayed spouses and former other women who regret ever being in an affair, there is a handful of us other women who understand where you are at. Take what helps you and leave the rest. At one point in our relationship my MM decided to work on his marriage and that we should go NC for three months while he was doing that. This was a truly awful time, full of anxiety of whether our relationship was ending or not. I can imagine you are feeling now how I felt then. Luckily my MM could only do 6 days without me. Hugs. I'd like to suggest that JJ's attempt to discredit other posters here because they provide a different viewpoint than hers isn't indicative of everyone here on LS. Simply because some of us have been on the other side of the triangle, it doesn't negate the value or even the compassion in some of the advice you'll receive from those people. At this point, there isn't much you can do but wait to see what he chooses to do from here. Wait and see what it is he wants to discuss with you. Try to keep your stress down in the meantime. Workout, eat right, and try to distract yourself with other things. If you have friends/family that you can turn to, that's always a bonus as well. My only other suggestion to you would be that you should consider what it is you want to happen here...short-term and long. Once you work that out...work out what has to happen to reach that goal...and start implementing a plan. What is it you want to happen...and what will it take to make it happen?
YellowShark Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 (edited) Here's the red flags that I see. First your relationship with MM is based upon betrayal and lies - (to his wife.) Secondly besides the issue with betraying his wife a child is involved. Third, what's to say a man who cheats on his wife and child won't eventually cheat on you? Finally you are now waiting to find out if you have any sort of future with this guy. (and sadly he may dump you and go back to try to repair his marriage or simply save his skin.) These affairs have so many pitfalls and baggage I always wonder why people put themselves into such an emotional meatgrinder. Edited October 11, 2010 by YellowShark
lilbunny Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 The waiting is hard. I hope you are ok, there really isn't anything you can do. I would try and be patient and not push. You have had a DDay now, the opportunity for him to come clean and make a decision is there. If he chooses to stay in the M then for your own sanity it is time to walk away because he is never going to leave and it is clear from your posts that is what you are hoping for. If he does decide to leave then my advice is to ask him to move into a place of his own and not take him in. It takes you out of a situation where he can flip flop between the two of you.
Author Sexiness Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 Hey lilbunny ..... Thanks for the advice..... We were supposed to be NC for the last couple days but it hasn't happened yet ... It's like we can't stay away from each other ... It's hard and I respect his W.... So I haven't called he has called me and he says he is going to try to get things as good as he can so he can leave on his terms so that she doesn't try to keep is child from him and he can get a seperate acct and try to save as much money as he can so that he can leave.... He says he wants to make sure that I'm ok and that I won't leave him but he doesn't think him and his W will work so please give him some time to leave under better circumstances.... Am I stupid to believe this or what.... As I said before, I have a good heart and I do love him but I also don't want to be played... I don't feel like he is playing me but I guess he alone knows.....
lilbunny Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Hey lilbunny ..... Thanks for the advice..... We were supposed to be NC for the last couple days but it hasn't happened yet ... It's like we can't stay away from each other ... It's hard and I respect his W.... So I haven't called he has called me and he says he is going to try to get things as good as he can so he can leave on his terms so that she doesn't try to keep is child from him and he can get a seperate acct and try to save as much money as he can so that he can leave.... He says he wants to make sure that I'm ok and that I won't leave him but he doesn't think him and his W will work so please give him some time to leave under better circumstances.... Am I stupid to believe this or what.... As I said before, I have a good heart and I do love him but I also don't want to be played... I don't feel like he is playing me but I guess he alone knows..... You can never be certain, I think you have a good idea yourself if you look long and hard as to which way it is going to go. I guess the main thing is to do as much as you can to protect yourself from additional heartache. I understand exactly how you are feeling. I also had to think about what was best for xmm, he was in a very emotional state and I could see him dropping to pieces in front of me. Do you have a timescale in your mind as to how long you are willing to wait? It isn't a bad thing to consider. ((hugs))
woinlove Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Hey lilbunny ..... Thanks for the advice..... We were supposed to be NC for the last couple days but it hasn't happened yet ... It's like we can't stay away from each other ... It's hard and I respect his W.... So I haven't called he has called me and he says he is going to try to get things as good as he can so he can leave on his terms so that she doesn't try to keep is child from him and he can get a seperate acct and try to save as much money as he can so that he can leave.... He says he wants to make sure that I'm ok and that I won't leave him but he doesn't think him and his W will work so please give him some time to leave under better circumstances.... Am I stupid to believe this or what.... As I said before, I have a good heart and I do love him but I also don't want to be played... I don't feel like he is playing me but I guess he alone knows..... As you say "he alone knows", and you know more about him than anyone else posting here. However, if you have read a lot of posts by OW/MM/BS, it does seem like most MM immediately following dday want to keep both options as they had before dday - that is keep the wife and keep the OW. They aren't necessarily playing the OW - they just want both like they have enjoyed before. Maybe you have a rarer MM who doesn't want both, but most do, which is why they started the A in the first place rather than get a divorce or stay faithful. It can take quite a while for things to settle out to a new equilibrium, and could involve continuing the A as before but more carefully so the W doesn't know, divorcing (which either the W or the H can choose) or ending the A and reconnecting with the W.
Star_Bright Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Hey lilbunny ..... Thanks for the advice..... We were supposed to be NC for the last couple days but it hasn't happened yet ... It's like we can't stay away from each other ... It's hard and I respect his W.... So I haven't called he has called me and he says he is going to try to get things as good as he can so he can leave on his terms so that she doesn't try to keep is child from him and he can get a seperate acct and try to save as much money as he can so that he can leave.... He says he wants to make sure that I'm ok and that I won't leave him but he doesn't think him and his W will work so please give him some time to leave under better circumstances.... Am I stupid to believe this or what.... As I said before, I have a good heart and I do love him but I also don't want to be played... I don't feel like he is playing me but I guess he alone knows..... Wow our situations are very similar. My now-ex MM's wife found out about us and he didn't fess up to everything. Instead he made her think it was just about sex and we were done etc. This hurt me because I didn't want him to deny our love, and we both decided to stop it - me because I was hurt and him because he felt bad for hurting her and me. Well we couldn't stay away from each other, it was both of our faults, so the A resumed underground. He said the same things- he didn't want to make her mad and use the kids against him and hurt her feelings and rub it in his face, but he wanted to leave and to be with me but it would just take time etc. I tried to be understanding. But then she was still onto his- he was spending every spare moment with me and not going home so it was obvious- and he told me she asked him if he still had feelings for me and he denied it! This was my breaking point and what made me come to LS to look for answers. I was mad at him for telling her and me different things just for his own benefit, even though in his screwed up head he was somehow thinking it was for her benefit of not hurting her... but then he was hurting me, and still hurting her by cheating on her... he could not have it every which way he wanted without hurting both of us and I felt this was unfair. Like you I had no desire to hurt his wife any more than necessary, I thought he should just come clean with her and rip off the bandaid so she could have the whole truth. So in my situation, this is what happened. I told him I could no longer live like this and not to contact me unless he had moved out. He tried to anyway and I ignored him (this is hard to do!!!). Then he left me a VM saying he was moving out in 8 days, and we resumed the A. He did move out in 8 days but it wasn't what I was expecting... he was still clearly undecided and was only moving out because it was my bare minimum requirement to keep seeing me. He was still trying to decide but keeping both of us in his lives. That wasn't cool with me, I thought moving out meant he had made a definite decision to take action to get divorced and be with me for real, but he was still trying to have both. So I told him I needed to be on my own and he needed to work this out on his own. So then he said he would file for divorce and do anything I needed to prove he wanted to be with me. Which sounds nice in theory but really I was having to push him every step of the way and I didn't like it. I felt like I was pulling him away from his family even though he was saying I was the one he wanted, and I felt like if he wasn't strong enough to do it on his own then he really wasn't the right guy for me. Then all kinds of crappy stuff happened where he got really jealous and possessive and controlling, I don't know if it was out of guilt or being scared I wouldn't be there for him, or to scare me away, or WHAT, but I had enough and I told him we were done for good. This was only a couple days ago and he still tries to contact me and I am just trying to be strong and move on because in my situation he is toxic for me and I need to be free of him. So I guess my advice for you is conflicting... you have to set your standards or he will take as much room as you give him. If you want him to leave you need to say so. You can't just wait around for him to do it. At the same time if you don't want to feel like you are pushing him to do something then it's going to be a hard wait because in my sitch he just wouldn't do it on his own, he needed me to practically do it for him, which wasn't attractive to me at all. So if you are comfortable with pushing then push but if not then you need to sit back and give him space to make up his own mind and take his own action. In the meantime I say live your own life and don't base it on him because he is going to be a wreck... this is a very hard time, IMO it was much much harder than being in an A... I couldn't put up with it but some OW are happy with it because they have their end goal of being together for real in mind... I can totally understand that (I just didn't want to sacrifice my "now" for my "maybe tomorrow.") So if that's what you want and that's what ends up happening then I hope it all works out for you! Just be patient because it does take time, and don't settle for anything you're not happy with. Hugs to you.
Author Sexiness Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 You can never be certain, I think you have a good idea yourself if you look long and hard as to which way it is going to go. I guess the main thing is to do as much as you can to protect yourself from additional heartache. I understand exactly how you are feeling. I also had to think about what was best for xmm, he was in a very emotional state and I could see him dropping to pieces in front of me. Do you have a timescale in your mind as to how long you are willing to wait? It isn't a bad thing to consider. ((hugs)) The hugs part really made me tear up a bit.... Thanks very much for that.... I have not cried since dday guess I'm waiting for our convo in two days.... As far as time, how much time should I be looking at? Or should I discuss that with him?
Star_Bright Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 The hugs part really made me tear up a bit.... Thanks very much for that.... I have not cried since dday guess I'm waiting for our convo in two days.... As far as time, how much time should I be looking at? Or should I discuss that with him? I know I'm not lilbunny but my answer to that question is another question, ha ha. How much time are you ok with giving him? How long do you want to wait?
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