TLCbear Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 My heart keeps thinking 'what if?' maybe this is something small and my brain is blowing it up out of proportion? Maybe we can work on it? Maybe he's just an idiot? We have so much good stuff, so many good times, so many plans for the future, surely that's worth saving? I truly love him I really do and I've only just broken down the angry coldness that's has been keeping me going for the last couple of days. But it doesn't stop my heart from trying to convince me that taking him back and forgetting all of this is what I should do and I hate this feeling of my emotions trying to overrule my common sense. I feel utterly shattered and torn. I been through something similiar with my current ex. We were together for about 2 1/2 years. 6 months into the relationship I found out he signed up on a couple of dating sites. Decided to give it another shot. A few months after that, I found out he had texts and naked pics of other females on his cell phone. Before I found that out, I asked him to let me see the phone, he wouldn't. We pretty much ended up tossing over the phone. I took it and that's what I found. I should have ended it then, but didn't. Before I actually ended the relationship just recently, I would say I gave him about 5 chances to change his behavior, because I know once I end a relationship, it's for good. However, his behavior didn't seem to change, as the last straw was when I found out he had a secret cell phone...never saw the phone, but saw a phone charger behind my couch, so I knew the answer. Not sure if he actually cheated on me, but just the fact that I kept having these issues with him and cell phones, I'm pretty sure of it. So far, it's been about 5 days of NC on my part. I haven't heard from him in 3 days, but anyway, what I'm saying is, your heart is going to feel like that. I did the same thing. My heart kept thinking "what if"...maybe we can work it out, maybe he'll realize what he maybe losing and choose to change his behavior...however, my mind was saying end it and end it now. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I really wanted the relationship to work...because other than his lying and secretiveness, everything was good. He treated me great. It took me a long time in the relationship to realize that he really wasn't treating me all that great if he was lying and hiding things from me, and most importantly, disrespecting me. So I would say to you from a person who have been there, is to leave know. Not sure how long you have been a relationship with him, but I know I overstayed 2 years. Should have ended 6 months into the relationship, but hey, the heart wants what it wants...and sometimes, it needs to be ignored. Just my 2 cents.
Author Jambalaya Posted October 13, 2010 Author Posted October 13, 2010 Thank you TLCBear. We'd been together 2.5 years too. My mind says end it now which I have done and this the second time we've had issues like this. First was in July, and now now. I've listened to my mind in every relationship and ended each one I've been in. no matter the love that was felt. So in someways I feel responsible for the 'whatif's. This was my first relationship in 7 years since I got divorced. I have no doubt whatsoever that he loves me, and I'm sure he's angry and confused as I am right now. I'm sure he hasn't actually cheated, and our relationship was (bar the blips with his flakiness) pretty darn brilliant. But he kept secrets. That may not be important to him, but there were things that every other man would discuss with their partner. That he watched me go over the space of 4 hours from asking nicely, to begging and pleading and didn't respond to my simple request is emotional abuse. He of course doesn't think he emotionally abused me. But I do. And that's what counts.
YellowShark Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 That he watched me go over the space of 4 hours from asking nicely, to begging and pleading and didn't respond to my simple request is emotional abuse. That he didn't hand over his phone DURING 4 hours of asking nicely, to begging, to pleading is all the evidence you need that there was something on his phone he didn't want you to see. Otherwise he would have simply tossed you his phone and said, "Sure Honey, take a look."
TheLoveAdvisor Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 I think it depends on the relationship...If you are openly dating, then keep your passwords, cell phones, emails to yourself... If you decide to be exclusive, then, you must set boundaries before committing to one person for any given amount of time... This is the time to ask for certain things, or restrict certain things... Why wait to find out the hard way? Why make it easy to cheat in the first place? Technology has allowed us to use avenues we didn't have before... If you know you are being watched, or at any giving time your accounts can be looked at, then you may not decide to cheat.... Cheating doesn't happen by chance, its a choice, and its premeditated...Being attracted to someone isn't a choice, but how you choose to react is... If you want privacy, buy a diary, or use your Notepad to make notes of private moments.....Other than that, everything else should be an open book....
TheLoveAdvisor Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 You can delete numbers, but you cant delete them on Servers..You can easily look up phone logs on service provider they use...Every number is logged and set into the system where nobody can delete them... $10 more on the month you can add GPS to phones and get detailed information...Key loggers, what nots....Make it difficult to cheat, sooner or later they will forget to delete or go some place they shouldn't have... Cheaters always make mistakes, and they always give you red flags.... You can feel it in your gut, but don't rely on that 100% cause sometimes people will play games... Cheaters arent bright, or they wouldnt get caught..
Woman In Blue Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 (edited) I have no doubt whatsoever that he loves me, and I'm sure he's angry and confused as I am right now. I'm sure he hasn't actually cheated, and our relationship was (bar the blips with his flakiness) pretty darn brilliant. How are you so sure he hasn't physically cheated? In order to hide his "innocent friendship," rather than come clean about it with you, he continued lying until it got him kicked out. Who throws their entire relationship away for an "innocent" friend? He had texts where they were calling each other pet names, they were sharing intimate information, talking about "being together," and getting together for dinner, etc. etc. etc. I don't have ONE friend I do that with. Oh, I have friends I meet for dinner or pick up at the airport, but I don't talk to them about "being together" one day in the future, nor do I talk intimately with them. How can you honestly believe that he didn't take things to the next level with this woman? I might belive that if these two were 12 years old, but I think you're being incredibly naive. Edited October 15, 2010 by Woman In Blue
phineas Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 How are you so sure he hasn't physically cheated? In order to hide his "innocent friendship," rather than come clean about it with you, he continued lying until it got him kicked out. Who throws their entire relationship away for an "innocent" friend? He had texts where they were calling each other pet names, they were sharing intimate information, talking about "being together," and getting together for dinner, etc. etc. etc. I don't have ONE friend I do that with. Oh, I have friends I meet for dinner or pick up at the airport, but I don't talk to them about "being together" one day in the future, nor do I talk intimately with them. How can you honestly believe that he didn't take things to the next level with this woman? I might belive that if these two were 12 years old, but I think you're being incredibly naive. She's not being naive. She's in shock & still trying to convince herself the future she planned with him can still happen. I did it with my ex-wife. Most people do it. But very soon she will realize what he has been doing behind her back.
Author Jambalaya Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 He emailed today with a 'history' of the woman and how he knows her etc. Why doesn't he get it??? I'm so angry I'm posting here (no contact is a hard task mistress) before my head explodes with more tears and I have to repeat myself to him again because it doesn't seem to be getting through. Every man would mention to their partner that they were picking someone up at the airport. Every man would tell their partner they were moving furniture for a friend. Every man would mention to their partner they were helping their 'friend' out, driving a van for them, them being disabled and helping find them furniture. Every man (unless they are hiding something) hands over their phone to their partner when asked and even more so when acceptable reasons are given. And even more so when begged. Every man would mention when they were being harrassed and stalked and sexually propositioned by a client and not leave it till their girlfriend finds out and confronts them. (This is what was happening the last time I checked his phone) He tells me about the most insignificant things about his bikes, his magazines, his housemate's dramas, what he ate for the day. Those things didn't affect us in the slightest but he told them to me anyway. I had no problems with his past, his ex's, previous sexual partners, his friends - if anything I had encouraged him to go out more and make more friends. I've never asked him to tell me the minutae of his day, checked up on where he was, who he was with, told him he can't do anything, see anyone, or go anywhere. For crying out loud - he says he spoke to HER about me, but not to ME about her. I don't know if he has a mental block as to why he didn't tell me any of the above and keeps saying 'it wasn't significant enough to mention', but I'm so bloody angry and feel completely short changed by him right now, that I'm glad I'm on the end of a computer because I never get this angry and would never want anyone to see how worked up this has made me.
phineas Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 All that happened because he was sleeping with that other woman.
TLCbear Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 He emailed today with a 'history' of the woman and how he knows her etc. Why doesn't he get it??? I'm so angry I'm posting here (no contact is a hard task mistress) before my head explodes with more tears and I have to repeat myself to him again because it doesn't seem to be getting through. He does get it, however, convincing you he doesn't. The only way YOU will actually see him "gets it" is if you do the same thing he did to you. ACTION, my dear. I did the same thing to my ex. He had naked pictures of other females on his phone, however, could not understand why I was soo upset, so I put a guy (fully clothed) on my phone. He saw it and totally flipped! Couldn't understand why I had a guy on my phone...and he literally couldn't understand why I was acting so nonchalant, but ha, he totally understood the FEELING, lol. So stop trying to tell him, instead SHOW him. I don't know if he has a mental block as to why he didn't tell me any of the above and keeps saying 'it wasn't significant enough to mention', but I'm so bloody angry and feel completely short changed by him right now, that I'm glad I'm on the end of a computer because I never get this angry and would never want anyone to see how worked up this has made me. He doesn't have a mental block at all, he didn't mention it simply because it wasn't significant enough for HIM to mention...and why would he?? Liers are liers, so why would you expect them to be honest...an open book?
Author Jambalaya Posted October 17, 2010 Author Posted October 17, 2010 I want to forgive him, I really do. I miss him immensely. But if I forgive him, I'm a mug
carhill Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 OP, when you read this, combined with the current dynamic, do you really think your path (with this potential) is a healthy one?
Author Jambalaya Posted October 17, 2010 Author Posted October 17, 2010 OP, when you read this, combined with the current dynamic, do you really think your path (with this potential) is a healthy one? No. Reading through my old posts, the unifying factors in all of them are - he doesn't THINK in advance or in the moment, or communicate. He thinks we've had discussions when we haven't - he just thinks we've discussed things because he thought about discussing them. Then acts surprised when I get stroppy. I have basic assumptions about what constitutes a relationship - communication being key. He only communicates when I go mental and point out his lack of communication. He only changes his behaviour when I kick up a stink about it. I know you can never change someone. Pointing out my previous issues is giving me much food for thought.
carhill Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 Growth is inevitable. Change is inevitable. We each grow and change in unique ways. Sometimes, for some people, that growth and change are imperceptible, marked only by the passage of time. Sometimes growth and change share the same path, sometimes paths diverge, sometimes one discovers the paths were never truly convergent. You know what you know when you know it. This all sounds like a lot of cliche psyche-babble, but there is truth, individual truth, contained within it. Sometimes clarity is waking up in the morning to the glorious sun and sometimes it's a slow emergence from the fog. Only you know what your clarity is, when you know it. I hope reflection and the opinions offered have helped.
Author Jambalaya Posted October 18, 2010 Author Posted October 18, 2010 He's still convinced that if we lived together we wouldn't have the problems we've had...
carhill Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 'Babe, I'm convinced that if we lived together we wouldn't have the problems we've had' 'Why?' Listen. Accept. Match up with *your* truth. Act as appropriate. This presumes you wish to break NC, if that is what you have. Sometimes, clarity is achieved by accepting what *is* rather than putting on the glasses of what we *want* it to be. This process helped free me from a decades long unhealthy attachment, so I offer the process as *one* effective method of finding health.
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