I begged him not to go

[Sabali]

Ok, I may sound like a complete fool, but this is what made me doubt the "forget him" stance I had taken earlier this week. This is from a letter he wrote a couple days ago. I know some of you think I'm just a pathetic idiot, but tell me he doesn't have a point.

 

"This person that you dont even know was an important part of my life, she was there when I was a 22 year old kid and my father was dying with cancer. You know that all my friends completely abandoned me then. But she was there. I was not the person you have met, I was a crazy 22 year old kid who didnt know anything about life and she went through everything with me. I will always, always, no matter what she does to me or what i do to her, i will always remember that. I feel that the least I can do right now is return the favour. This is not for fun, this is not because I want to be with her. I want to be with you. But I have to do this, I have to help her in these moments the same way she helped me.

 

You know I hate hospitals but now here I am helping a friend, going to hospital and going through cancer analysis. Yes I could just leave and say good bye but I would feel that I never did what this person deserves and that is not to be completely alone in this moment, I know how it feels to be alone, and having a friend with you changes everything. That is all I am trying to do."

 

He then went on to beg me to talk when he got back. He wants to go to therapy, figure out how to move forward in the future so we are together forever, blah blah blah. Ok, I'm prepared for "he's an *******, you're an idiot" posts. I need to hear that I think. It just seems like if I had reacted in a little calmer & more mature way about him going this wouldn't have been a big issue. Damn you, self-doubt and insecurity.

 

She does have cancer, by the way. Advanced--like scary advanced. I found out from a coworker today.

 

 

I have to admit, this situation is not so simple. It got more complicated actually. I would do the same for a person who strongly stood in my corner in the past. Fierce loyalty is something to be admired in an individual. It is a tough call but I can almost sense his sincerity.

 

 

I am not sure how I would handle this situation. I would just have to figure it out once I got there. I am not sure how the OP should call it but it may just not be an easy decision.

[Lonely Lover]

I do value loyalty, I think it's admirable to an extent--which is why I didn't just run away when he left and tried to fight for him.

 

However, I didn't mention it here I think, but I was also quite sick this week, apart from the stress of him leaving--I ended up in ER once and doctor's offices twice due to breathing issues, and had a massive move from my apartment due to significant mold problems. It wasn't like I didn't need him right now. It feels like, as strongly as her loyalty has influenced him (ie she was there for him when he needed her), I have the opposite feelings right now (he was not there for me, and in fact dropped me to be with her). I don't know how to recover from those feelings and be proud I found such a loyal guy, rather than hurt that his loyalty wasn't toward me.

 

I told him I wanted to try to have a relationship with him, see if we can compromise on what's acceptable and unacceptable behavior when you're friends with an ex. Now that I can breathe again I wish I hadn't been quite so desperate and unwilling to compromise. But now he isn't sure he wants to be with me anymore. He asked for a few days without talking, now that he is finally back in town and can relax.

 

How long is reasonable for him to decide? Days? Weeks? How do I swallow this pride, that I'm the one forgiving him and he's the one unsure if he wants to move forward? This is rather painful.

[Sabali]

I do value loyalty, I think it's admirable to an extent--which is why I didn't just run away when he left and tried to fight for him.

 

However, I didn't mention it here I think, but I was also quite sick this week, apart from the stress of him leaving--I ended up in ER once and doctor's offices twice due to breathing issues, and had a massive move from my apartment due to significant mold problems. It wasn't like I didn't need him right now. It feels like, as strongly as her loyalty has influenced him (ie she was there for him when he needed her), I have the opposite feelings right now (he was not there for me, and in fact dropped me to be with her). I don't know how to recover from those feelings and be proud I found such a loyal guy, rather than hurt that his loyalty wasn't toward me.

 

I told him I wanted to try to have a relationship with him, see if we can compromise on what's acceptable and unacceptable behavior when you're friends with an ex. Now that I can breathe again I wish I hadn't been quite so desperate and unwilling to compromise. But now he isn't sure he wants to be with me anymore. He asked for a few days without talking, now that he is finally back in town and can relax.

 

How long is reasonable for him to decide? Days? Weeks? How do I swallow this pride, that I'm the one forgiving him and he's the one unsure if he wants to move forward? This is rather painful.

 

 

You are being very wishy-washy on this. Forget loyalty, breast cancer, and what's coming on TV tonight.

 

You begged him not to go and see the woman. Now you are allowing him to turn the tables on you when you should be the one approving of this and you are awaiting his decision now. You have absolutely no power here. This kind of desperate behavior doesn't motivate someone to run back into your arms.

 

Yeah, this is rather painful. This is rather painful to read. Really.

 

Every thing you are doing is so very unattractive. He is not going to choose you. He is losing respect for you altogether. You have to understand this. You lost this fight.

 

You know how you can salvage this for your own personal dignity? Stop calling him and stop returning his calls. It's the best thing you can do now. It will make you feel more in control and it will send a profound statement to him. Do not contact him for a long time.

 

You have to pull yourself together pronto!

[Alma Mobley]

What a terrible situation. Honestly I think you should listen to Sabali. Just let him go and find someone who's going to be there for YOU.

[alexandria35]

Okay I have a friend who was almost exactly in your situation years ago. She met a guy and fell in love with him early into the relationship. She knew he was recently out of a long term relationship but didn't know how complicated the situation was until after she was in the relationship for several months. Her boyfriends exgirlfriend was dying of cancer and they had a child together. My friend was having meltdowns all the time because her boyfriend wanted to take care of his ex and be with my friend in a new relationship at the same time. My friend would complain to me and it drove somewhat nuts because as a third party I could see both sides. Sometimes I thought my friend sounded selfish and mean because she wanted her bf to completely cut his ex out of his life, but at the same time I could understand why she was upset at being in this position.

 

Looking back I thing the right thing would have been for the boyfriend to put his love life on hold and taken care of his past relationship in whatever capacity he felt like he needed to. He was actually the selfish one by getting my friend involved in the first place. OP even if your bf believes that the romantic side of his relationship is over, he still hasn't emotionally detached from her. He loves her and that is why he feels such a strong pull to be there for her. I think if he feels this way then he should be there for her, otherwise he may be feel guilty later and blame you for making him choose. Break up with him, explain to him that you are letting him go to take care of what he needs to and you are going to take care of yourself in whatever ways you need. Maybe sometime in the future a relationship with this guy will be possible but not right now. If you make him choose he will resent you and he will feel guilty but if you go along with everything on his terms then you will feel disrespected and unimportant. By the sound of your posts it sounds like you only got back together with him a few weeks ago, so it's not like you are greatly invested in it in terms of time. Pull out and let things be for now.