Lonely Lover Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Tomorrow, my "SO" (ex?) Monty is leaving to California to take care of his ex girlfriend while she gets a biopsy for breast cancer. I am sick with jealousy--I don't like the fact that they are friends, but for him to drop everything to take care of her feels like a betrayal to me. Here's our story. Please tell me I'm being unreasonable for considering this a deal breaker. Please, I don't want this to be the end I met him a year ago, as he was getting over an amazingly toxic relationship with a woman he'd dated for about 12 years. For the last 4 of those she cheated on him with his only friend in their new city (we work with him now), left Monty for this guy, opted to "take" Monty back, then continued to sleep with this other guy. They broke up. She got sick, went back home (they are foreign), and let Monty pay for her rent, their car payments, everything. When she got back she took the dog they had together and moved across the country. They got BACK together after that, long distance. I met him right after he realized it was not worth the effort and he broke up with her. I fell head over heels for him. I mean, like crazy. And from someone with a past like mine, that's saying a LOT (I was an OW for 4 years...this is the first guy I let into my heart). But it was complicated. She didn't take the breakup well. She called a lot, they fought a lot, sometimes making him leave my house to talk to her for hours at a time. And then he told me that he wasn't ready to tell people he'd broken up with her. He said it was to protect her feelings (so she wouldn't feel "lonely") and to protect his own--that he was so humiliated that she'd cheated on him that he didn't want this former "friend" of his knowing they'd broken up. I think it's bull****, but as a result we dated in secret for five months. I have to admit I hated her from the very start for messing up the guy I loved so much. There were a couple times we broke up because of it (one time after he told me he'd decided he was ready to move on with me, then backed down because she asked him to marry her a few days later and he felt guilty), but we always got back together. Then last spring there was a family emergency and he had to go home (again, overseas). He wasn't sure if he'd be able to come back, but it would likely be ~5 months away. I told him that if he only asked I would wait for him, we could do a long distance thing, that we could make it work. He said no, that he couldn't put me through that while his mind was on his family. So I tried to move on, but I really didn't want to. We talked online every day though, even with everything going on. Then four months after he left, I met another guy. He was sweet, funny, uncomplicated, crazy about me from the start, and wanted to show me off to everyone right away. He was long distance (fairly close to Monty's ex, strangely) but we clicked so well we knew we had to try. When I told Monty he was devastated. He came back early, begged for a second chance. He swore he’d been planning to sweep me off my feet when he got back, to prove to me I was everything he wanted. I fought him off for two months, but eventually I had to admit I did still have feelings, and I couldn’t be with my sweet uncomplicated boyfriend if I had those feelings for another guy. Broke up with the boyfriend. That was about two weeks ago. Monty and I started to build our life back again. I was afraid he wouldn't be able to move forward, and he was hurt that I’d been with another guy, but we wanted it to work. Then his freaking ex calls and tells him she is getting a biopsy on Tuesday. He decides he needs to go take care of her. She didn't even ask him to come--and when he offered she said no to begin with. He says he understands if I can’t deal with it, but he can’t say no to someone who needs him. He told me he would do anything to make this ok for me. He bought a plane ticket. I told him I would try to deal, but I honestly can’t. This feels like a betrayal, and knowing he is alone taking care of his ex will kill any trust I have in him. I don’t care if they aren’t sleeping together, honestly. Even if there is nothing more than a platonic hug, this feels like an emotional affair. I begged him to stay. Seriously, begged him while sobbing on the floor. No matter how much I beg, he won't stay. He cried, and said he didn't want to lose me, but helping a "friend" in need was in his nature, an he just won't say no. He's leaving tomorrow and there's nothing I can do. Nothing. I feel so rejected, so desperate. I don’t want to be the evil selfish person that puts herself over a person who might have cancer, but that is exactly what I’m doing. Please, someone tell me I’m being unreasonable. Tell me any normal person would fly to take care of her, since she really has nobody else in this country. Tell me I should be ok, that I should keep dating this guy when he gets back. I hate that this is the end. It’s breaking my heart. Help me.
tigressA Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 No normal person would do that, especially after the ex didn't even ask for help, and said NO to your BF's offer. Dump this guy. He's still way too attached to his ex. You put up with dating him in secret for 5 months; that's a huge red flag. People who don't have unhealthy attachments don't put someone they supposedly love through that, make them feel like a shameful, dirty little secret. He is not worth your tears, he is not worth your begging. Let him go. He's shown his true colors to you.
yoga18 Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 My issue is more about the fact that he didn't talk it over with you. He never sat you down to talk he just told you this is what I'm doing. I think you should Let go an move on, yes as people we should be there for our friends but not at the expense of those we love and call family. Would he drop everything for you.
Sabali Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Hey, relax, woman. Get a hold of yourself. All of this drama is completely out of pocket and just drips desperation. None of it counts in your favor. First realize that this Monty guy is going to love his ex for a very long time and there will be no room for you to be #1 in his book. Let this sink in immediately and take your lumps now. It's time to stop chasing this guy. You are not being unreasonable. This Monty guy is a puppet for his ex and let me tell you, these puppeteering relationships are strong as hell and no amount of begging and sobbing will change it. Relationships like this are bonded deep. There is the puppet who will be stringed along for what seems like forever and the puppeteer who will just manipulate the person for as long as he or she can and this can be for many years. They were together for 12 years so expect him to be heavily controlled by her for at least half of that. Do not mess around with someone in this puppet-type relationship! You cannot win! This is not your regular super dead end stuff. This is super duper dead end stuff here. What he is doing is inconsiderate, selfish, and foolish but people who are in love do these things and he is in love with his ex and not you. He has to be at her side for a biopsy? It isn't like she is actually diagnosed with cancer. A biopsy is done to see what the abnormality is. It can be something noncancerous for all anyone knows. He just found an excuse to be by her side which is what he wants. Let him! You need to let this guy go. You will be screwed in so many ways on this. He loves another woman. You can't beg or nice him up out of this. People have to fall out of love. They can't be dragged out by the rebound person. To say you fell head over heels for this guy is an understatement. Call that other sweetie pie guy back up and see if he will take you back but you better really make it up to him. This time, stick with him!
Author Lonely Lover Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 He swears it's not like that, he swears I'm his priority. He's afraid that if he doesn't go, it'll be proof that my fears were correct, and that his going was inappropriate. He says it's just about his need to help a friend, nothing to do with their past. Nobody thinks it is ok for him to go? If she were an ex from several years ago would it be a different story? I really don't believe there will be anything physical going on. Nobody would stick with him through this? I can't believe I've become so desperate and pathetic. I used to be so strong.
tigressA Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 If you were really his priority, he would not be going. Period. She did not ask for his help; she refused his offer, and he is still going. Also, like Sabali said, she doesn't even know if she has cancer--it's just a biopsy. What the hell would he need to be there for in that case? He is still in love with her. See that, and ignore everything else. Let him go.
bittermelon Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Sorry to say this, but it sounded like he started dating you as a rebound, he was never over his ex, but knew that the relationship was no good and maybe somehow hoped that getting away from her and seeing someone else would finally help him to get over her. You essentially dated a man who was full of baggage to begin with, had his heart in another woman, and spent a year? trying to win his heart. He's been playing these games with his ex for the last 12 years and it's not going to end, not if they continue to communicate with each other like this. He's not giving your relationship an opportunity to get to the next level because he'll always be held back by her. He knows you are better for him, but his heart is just not in the right place. I know you don't want to leave him, but why stay? The only time he really showed any sign of wanting you was when you found another man. Once you gave him a second chance, he went back to how he was. It's going to soooooooo hard but u need to get rid of him. You are a STRONG person. You've done it before, remember, you found someone who was uncomplicated and tried to build a new life. This time, don't let your bf ruin that. Do you live with him? Maybe while he's gone, you should pack up and move the hell out of there. Or if you live on your own, change your locks. You don't deserve him. What kind of guy chooses to be with an ex over his current girlfriend when his ex tells him NOT to go over there? He made his choice, clearly and it's not you. I know you're sad hearing this, but it's the truth and the sooner you realize the better. This guy is bad news, you need to get rid of him like yesterday!
Author Lonely Lover Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 He said the docs said she shouldn't lift or pull anything heavy for at least two days. She has two big young dogs (one which they got together) and he said someone needed to take care of them and do the shopping and such. She doesn't have anyone where she lives, and doesn't want to worry her family if it's nothing. And he says he loves her as a friend, but has no romantic feelings for her any more. I've always thought it was wrong to tell anyone not to be friends with anyone else. Isn't that what I'm doing right now? I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be argumentative, I just want to give him a fair chance, since he's not here to defend himself.
Author Lonely Lover Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 By the way he doesn't live with me and left his key here. But we work together and sit next to each other every day. He'll be a part of my life no matter how much I don't want him to be.
Sabali Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 He said the docs said she shouldn't lift or pull anything heavy for at least two days. She has two big young dogs (one which they got together) and he said someone needed to take care of them and do the shopping and such. She doesn't have anyone where she lives, and doesn't want to worry her family if it's nothing. And he says he loves her as a friend, but has no romantic feelings for her any more. I've always thought it was wrong to tell anyone not to be friends with anyone else. Isn't that what I'm doing right now? I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be argumentative, I just want to give him a fair chance, since he's not here to defend himself. Come on, you sound like a sweet gal but don't be silly. Getting blinded by love can do these things. Do you know what is done with a breast biopsy? They stick you with a needle and take a sample of tissue from the breast and stick it under a microscope. These people are hardly helpless after the procedure. She can still take care of herself and those dogs. Yes, you do not tell anyone not to be friends with someone but there isn't anything wrong with walking away from someone who is inappropriately being friends with the wrong person. Monty now knows that there are no limits with you. Well, I'll be on the lookout for your heartbreak thread when he tells you he slept with her on accident. He will be just innocently taking care of her dogs, slip on something in the kitchen and accidently fall on top of her. Just ride it out, see where it takes you, which will be a dead end, and gather wisdom from the experience. I wish you well.
FryFish Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 You were sobbing on the floor begging him not to go see his ex.... and he is going to see his ex... The guy is a TOTAL *******! Probably a bona fide serial cheater as well.
Author Lonely Lover Posted October 12, 2010 Author Posted October 12, 2010 I just spent another miserable night alone, and I'm done. I asked him to call me when he got to California. He did, and I begged him to either stay in a hotel or come home early. He said he couldn't talk long, that his "ex" was picking him up soon, and we would talk when he got back on Thursday. He hung up on me then turned his phone off. Ouch. Well you know, that's just the last straw. I am not an idiot, I know what a biopsy is. I try to pretend I don't--because if I recognized it, I would have to hate him for doing this to me. I try to pretend our relationship was special in some way, that outsiders wouldn't understand. But I've read enough pathetic postings here and listened to enough sob stories from my friends to know better. It's not ok what he's doing to me. It just flat out isn't. He had every right to choose to go, and every right to ask me to stay while he does this. The thing is, I've let myself pretend that I don't have a choice in this. But I do--and my choice is to freaking walk away from this disaster. I am not waiting for him to "accidently" slip on top of her before leaving (thanks for that image, it made me laugh)--this is a betrayal enough for me. Maybe once I've recovered enough the sweetheart who never hurt me will be willing to give me another chance.
Author Lonely Lover Posted October 12, 2010 Author Posted October 12, 2010 Totally off subject, but TigressA, that is a darn cute puppy as your profile pic. Darn cute.
tigressA Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Thank you! Unfortunately it is not mine. I took it from Google image search results.
bittermelon Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 obviously she's not that sick and in need of his help if she's able to go and pick your bf up. he's just hanging on to every opportunity to get a chance to see her. unfortunately for him, it sounds like his ex is just toying with his emotions anyway. sooner or later he's going to realize this (again) and come running back to you. spend the next few days while he's away trying to gather your strength so that you can leave his ass when he gets back. you don't deserve him at all. what a jerk! you're gonna have to be strong because he's probably going to beg you to stay. when he does, remind him what he did when you begged him to do the same. good luck! we're here for you!
livbylove22 Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 BHe swears it's not like that, he swears I'm his priority. He's afraid that if he doesn't go, it'll be proof that my fears were correct, and that his going was inappropriate. He says it's just about his need to help a friend, nothing to do with their past. Nobody thinks it is ok for him to go? If she were an ex from several years ago would it be a different story? I really don't believe there will be anything physical going on. Nobody would stick with him through this? I can't believe I've become so desperate and pathetic. I used to be so strong. Of cores he's going to say that! This man clearly loves her still. Tge woman doesn't even know if she has cancer and she's allowing him to come take care of her??? I think this is just a ploy to get him back. Back away from this man. If he reall loved you and nothing was going on he would have either talked to you about going or offered for you to come along.
livbylove22 Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 I also think the chances of them sleeping together again are very VERY HIGH! PLEASE DO THE RIGHT THIS FOR YOURSELF.
Author Lonely Lover Posted October 14, 2010 Author Posted October 14, 2010 Jesus, it's like he's stomping on every memory and dream I ever had. I told him I would consider seeing if we would ever work in the future, if he: 1-was willing to admit it was wrong of him to go to California 2-didn't talk to his ex again, for as long as we were together He's been calling every day, said he really wants to work it out. He's never said he regretted his decision, nor has he once said he'd end contact with his "ex." Dumb of me to so much as answer my phone, I know, but love makes people do dumb things. Well, now he told me he's staying until "Sunday morning at the very latest." Evidently she is really sick, genuinely sick, and got super dizzy at her last appointment. She's got some other bull**** tomorrow that he wanted to be there for. Well, I don't freaking care. I guess he's making my decision incredibly easy for me. I just wish I could remember him with some fondness, and be at least comfortable enough with him that working about 5 feet from each other won't be insufferable. Ah well, I guess I have to learn every lesson the hard way. I have never felt more alone and abandoned. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I'm smart in every other freaking way than men. At least it's a long weekend, I can cry myself out without workmates seeing me.
Sabali Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Yep, you are one of those women. Okay. No hope here. Ol' Monty is probably all refreshed after the hot sex he had with his ex and now he gets to have you when he gets back. Can't hate him for that. I really hope you command a bit more respect for yourself in the future.
Richard Friedman Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 (edited) I see 3 very broken people. Like attracts like I suppose, but out of curiosity how are the family situations of yourself and these other two? Did any of you have a stable, nuclear family? Edited October 15, 2010 by Richard Friedman
Woman In Blue Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Lonely, how did we go from this: ...and my choice is to freaking walk away from this disaster. I am not waiting for him to "accidently" slip on top of her before leaving (thanks for that image, it made me laugh)--this is a betrayal enough for me. Maybe once I've recovered enough the sweetheart who never hurt me will be willing to give me another chance. To this? I guess he's making my decision incredibly easy for me. I just wish I could remember him with some fondness, and be at least comfortable enough with him that working about 5 feet from each other won't be insufferable. Ah well, I guess I have to learn every lesson the hard way. Stop vascillating. You already MADE your decision. This is a guy whose so clearly still attached to his ex that even after she told him not to come, he went to her ANYWAY. She's not on her deathbed, she needed a simple biopsy. Not making light of her condition, but come ON. The writing is on the wall and you refuse to READ it.
Author Lonely Lover Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 Ok, I may sound like a complete fool, but this is what made me doubt the "forget him" stance I had taken earlier this week. This is from a letter he wrote a couple days ago. I know some of you think I'm just a pathetic idiot, but tell me he doesn't have a point. "This person that you dont even know was an important part of my life, she was there when I was a 22 year old kid and my father was dying with cancer. You know that all my friends completely abandoned me then. But she was there. I was not the person you have met, I was a crazy 22 year old kid who didnt know anything about life and she went through everything with me. I will always, always, no matter what she does to me or what i do to her, i will always remember that. I feel that the least I can do right now is return the favour. This is not for fun, this is not because I want to be with her. I want to be with you. But I have to do this, I have to help her in these moments the same way she helped me. You know I hate hospitals but now here I am helping a friend, going to hospital and going through cancer analysis. Yes I could just leave and say good bye but I would feel that I never did what this person deserves and that is not to be completely alone in this moment, I know how it feels to be alone, and having a friend with you changes everything. That is all I am trying to do." He then went on to beg me to talk when he got back. He wants to go to therapy, figure out how to move forward in the future so we are together forever, blah blah blah. Ok, I'm prepared for "he's an *******, you're an idiot" posts. I need to hear that I think. It just seems like if I had reacted in a little calmer & more mature way about him going this wouldn't have been a big issue. Damn you, self-doubt and insecurity. She does have cancer, by the way. Advanced--like scary advanced. I found out from a coworker today.
Idalis Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 I'm sorry but I have to agree with everyone else. He is still in love with his ex! That letter is touching and all, and its touching b/c he still loves her. I understand wanting to be there for a friend, trust me, I GET IT. But there comes a point in life where you have to make tough decisions, when you truly love someone you will not put them through the hell that he is putting you through (and he knows he put you through this if you begged and cried) you just couldnt do it. yet he did. I understand the scariness of cancer. I've had several distant family members pass away from cancer, and also my grandpa, who was like a father to me. My ex, my first love was there for me every step of the way. I appreciate it but if he was to call me now to go to a biopsy with him .. wild horses couldnt drag me there. My bf doesn't have to even mention that he wouldnt like it, I wouldn't feel right about it! It sounds like you're willing to settle for being second fiddle, but you're going to be miserable, insecure, and doubtful every step of the way.. is that the best you want for yourself?? Really?? I think you deserve better and I don't even know you! But I don't know a single person no matter how unworthy they may feel who doesn't deserve to be truly loved... loved in a drop-anything for you type of love, much like your bf's ex. She's lucky to have that, unfortunately she has that with the person you love It really is unfortunate that she has cancer, cancer is a terrible disease and I hope someday we find a cure!! But I do think if they're truly out of each others lives that she shouldve leaned on her family at this time, it doesn't sound like they had a healthy relationship at all so it boggles my mind why she would want him around at such a delicate time, of all people, unless of course she still has feelings for him as well. One important thing to remember is that couples break up all the time.. some after 10, 15, 20, 30 years.. they go through a LOT of $h!t together.. death of parents, miscarriages, surgeries, etc.. and when they split up, they split up. So it IS possible... these two just aren't through with each other yet.
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