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Hi all, I'm new here. I'm in the process of getting divorced but separated a year and a half. In a nutshell my marriage and the whole relationship, 15 years together, 8 years married was so miserable that the separation and divorce was relief.

 

Now I'm dating again there is one major problem, overcoming the insecurities that are lingering from my marriage, I just have no idea how to not judge a person based on what I have been through. Is it as simple as opening up again and letting someone in.

 

For example my ex was extremely secretive, long story, but now I find that I wait for the guy I am seeing to tell me things, instead of asking him, which to him makes it seem like I am not that interested in knowing about him.

 

The list goes on and on...anyone else experience similar?

Posted

 

Now I'm dating again there is one major problem, overcoming the insecurities that are lingering from my marriage, I just have no idea how to not judge a person based on what I have been through. Is it as simple as opening up again and letting someone in.

 

For example my ex was extremely secretive, long story, but now I find that I wait for the guy I am seeing to tell me things, instead of asking him, which to him makes it seem like I am not that interested in knowing about him.

 

The list goes on and on...anyone else experience similar?

 

Yes, I understand.

Is it as simple as opening up again? No, it's not. You don't have to build walls, because that is how you would end up being secretive yourself, or become emotionally unavailable, like your ex, because that's what secretive is--emotionally unavailable.

What you do have to understand is the lessons you have learned. That being vulnerable can mean being hurt, so you carefully wait to open up until you see the right signs that it is a risk worth taking, and that someone tugs at your heart strings enough to warrant sharing those parts of yourself.

I don't believe a lack of questions about the personal life, feelings, of another person means that you lack interest in them. I think there are in your face types that ask questions rudely before it is appropriate, and I think there are people who slowly ask personal questions one at a time when appropriate, and then there may be people who need to ask personal questions and fail to do so, perhaps being too passive.

You get to know the truth about another person slowly over time, months, and years. You get to know if they are worthy of your love, slowly, over months and years. Those who rush things rarely have an accurate picture. Those who take too long to ask things sometimes could be wasting everybody's time.

Use your instinct. :)

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