asks2638 Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 I am so new at this so please be patient with me. I have suspected that my husband has been sleeping with other women for quite a few years now. In our 24 year marriage there have been numerous times where large sums of money would go missing, he would alway say that it was due to gambling but somehow i never believed him. Five years ago i would wake up at 3am to go downstairs and he would be gone, usually he would return about prior to 6am just in time to hop in the shower prior to the rest of us waking for work or school. I confronted him several times and he always stated he had insomnia and was sitting at a local all night coffee shop. Well this past may i was able to confirm thanks to cell phones bills that he has been sleeping with hookers, unfortunately i was only able to confirm from Aug 2009 to present. We seperated in June and are now in the process of divorce. This is where it gets even more complicated, i started seeing someone else prior to our seperation. The man that i am having an affair with happens to be a friend of my husbands and we have the same circle of friends. Why am i feeling guilt for having an affair when my H has been sleeping with numerous women for quite sometime? He admitted it, I tried to get him counseling and he wants nothing to do with any of it. He has moved into an apt of his own and seems to be having the time of his life. Meanwhile i have fallen in love with this other man and it's heartbreaking because of the situation we arent able to "come out" so to speak. Now i think he is having second thoughts about our relationship also. I dont know if i can handle having two men reject me, my self esteem is in the dirt.....what should i do? I dont understand why men arent happy with what they have at home, what did these hookers do for him that he was willing to risk 24yrs? I was truly faithful to him through our whole married life, but sometimes you can only go for so long without love before you start looking elsewhere!!! Now I am so afraid of loosing this other man also, he said it would be impossible for us to ever be together because of the relationship he has with my H and my children and i with his. I am at the end of my rope, I can't eat, can't sleep and believe it or not i still have feelings for my ex. But what kind of mother would i be to my daughters if i allowed myself to stay with him? That would only teach them that it's ok for a man to abuse you mentally and you should just sit back and take it! I will post more as i go on, cant believe how mentally draining this is when you try to put your thoughts into words!!!
Jane Doe Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 I think you need to make a clean break from BOTH of these men. Your husband being with hookers is about him; it's not because you're lacking in any way. I can totally understand why this would affect your self-esteem but you need to understand that he'd likely be doing this regardless of who he is/was married to. I think you're with this other guy for comfort and companionship but I don't really see a future there, based on the circumstances. My suggestion is to make an appointment with your doctor, get tested for HIV and all STDs, and see about getting some anti-depressants to help you through this difficult time. Protect your health first and foremost. Lord only knows what your husband has picked up. I also think you'd benefit from some counseling. This is a lot to deal with and I'm sure it's got to be overwhelming. Take one day at a time and each day do something positive for yourself.
You Go Girl Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 I really feel sympathy for you. I'm sure it has been very difficult to take all that. The problem with the new guy is this--you are leaning on him too heavily. He's the shoulder to lean on while you go through this divorce, and it's a bad shoulder to lean on, because it's one that could go away, anyday. He could break up with you, and you'd be left with TWO HEARTBREAKS simultaneously. That, is way too much to handle. You need to back away, slowly if need be, from this other man. He is dangerous to you because of the fragile state your heart is in. You need to first start putting emotional distance between the two of you. You say he might be having second thoughts. See how fragile your trust is? This is why it is dangerous to lean on a lover during separation. You can't trust them, yet you feel this strong need to lean on them. How can you lean strongly on someone you can't trust? It wouldn't matter who it was! You aren't at a place where you can trust again. The problem with your husband is, you are still in shock, you can't believe he would refuse counseling, you can't believe he would choose sex over love. Well no person in their right mind would. And any person in their right mind would question why he refused counseling and is throwing away a wife and family. Your husband has a problem with understanding love and intimacy. If it was just intimacy, he would at least have wanted to try. Apparently he has a problem understanding love too, else why the refusal. Do you have any ideas why he refused couseling? I think you don't have closure from your husband, and I think it is unnerving. That is what has put you in this fragile state that you need so heavily to lean on someone else. A counselor would help if you can afford that. Do it for YOU. You take care of daughters, run a household, have a job I assume, and you don't take care of you! Your mental state is important here. Don't belittle yourself and think you should just be able to move along without sorting this out in your head. It would be much better to lean on a counselor during this time than a lover. One is paid to have your best interests at heart, the other is selfishly motivated. Friends...can't say enough for them. They're not having sex with you, so their motivation is clearer. I understand the confusion and pain of someone refusing counseling or to talk to you openly and honestly. It shakes you to your core, I know.
Spark1111 Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 I, for one, am very proud of you! And you should be too! Despite the heart-wrenching pain you are feeling right now, you have taken steps to preserve you! Sex addiction has nothing to do with the spouse, and all to do with the addict. You did not cause it, cannot control it and, and cannot make him change his behavior. All you can do is change your behavior, and you have taken the proper steps to do so by divorcing a man who values sex with strangers more than a loving intimate relationship with a woman who loves him. How sad for him! He is someone to be pitied. As for your OM, you do not say if he is married or not. Right now, he is fulfilling all your unmet emotional needs your H couldn't possibly meet. He is also very attracted to rescuing you from your pain and heartache. But that will grow old for him. You NEED to rescue yourself, first. I know you have strong feelings for him, but he may possibly be a bandaid to this world of hurt and low self-esteen you currently find yourself in. And having a relationship with someone when you have so much to contend with internally, is really not the best start for a strong, happy and confident relationship, is it? But you need to believe that, and you also need to believe you are WORTHY that kind of relationship. Take it slow. Please avail yourself of IC and concentrate on you: What are your needs and what makes you happy? Good luck to you!
Author asks2638 Posted October 12, 2010 Author Posted October 12, 2010 Thanks All! You will be happy to know that i am in counseling and trying my hardest to make me and my children the number one priority here. I have also been tested for HIV and Hep and other STD'S and all are negative, thank God!! I have no idea why my H refuses to go to counseling, the addiction specialist that i spoke with told me that its just like any other addiction drugs, gambling ect. He needs to hit rock bottom first before he gets help and me forcing him wouldnt accomplish anything anyway. He has told me on more than one occasion that he no longer see hookers. Do i believe him no not for a minute but what i cant understand is my need to confirm that he still continues....thats just punishing myself. Two saturdays ago he was supposed to spend time with my youngest and came up with every excuse in the book not to do so and guess what i found on his phone the next day? A video of two women having sex that was recorded by him. Nice isnt it, i should loath this man but i still mourn for what we had.
guinnessdraft Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 For men, sex is not always emotional. For women, it is very emotional. I think you are assuming he gets emotionally attached to these women. Like you said, he's addicted to you--addictions are physical. He might still be emotionally attached to you. He just needs his sex. He might just be looking for 23 year old versions of you--that's a little flattering no? lol
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