How can you be Just as happy alone?

[harkkam]

Most advice that I read centers around the idea that you have to learn to be happy alone, before you can be in a relationship. That when somebody breaks up with you that you realize that you can be on your own and still smile.

 

I can understand that after a breakup you will feel really sad, and I did and I felt more pain than I have ever endured. Then you start doing small things for yourself and the pain subsides and you feel nothing. Then you start laughing a bit and you feel a bit better.

 

But my question is how does a person ever forget the happiness that the other person brought.

 

I think its a lie to say that you will feel JUST as happy alone as you did while you were together.

 

I may be watching a movie with my friend, I may be in the city hanging out in the club or walking by the park. That provides a social outlet.

 

But when I was in my relationship (NC for 5 months now, 1 year relationship)

everything was better. How can a walk in the park with your friends ever feel like walking with your girl holding her hand and kissing her.

 

You could be in your buddies car and driving to a friends house which is a fun night. But how does that compare to driving to the beach with your girlfriend and making out on the sand dunes with the cold wind in your hair.

 

Can I learn to be happy without her yes, but happiness is arbitrary. Can I ever feel just as happy as I did as those moments that we spent together while I am alone, I doubt it.

 

I think to ever experience the same level of happiness only a person that you love again can bring that about. I think alone you can be happy but just not AS happy.

 

I cant be as happy sitting here in my room enjoying my guitar, as I did when she was standing next to me and I was playing for her. Or I cant be as happy when me and my buddies are sitting in a dinner at 2 in the morning as I did when me and her were at the dinner.

 

Sure the things I do are not bad now, but just not as great. Is this a reasonable feeling?

[Ajax]

I've thought of this myself. If you're just as happy without a relationship why would you bother getting into one and risking being heartbroken?

 

I think the real point people are trying to make by saying that is that you have to be happy with yourself or you won't have enough to give in a relationship. I.E, if you're not happy with your life otherwise, don't look to a relationship make it better.

[harkkam]

hmm... I guess the happiness they talk about is not the happiness that we all ascribe to, rather the self that you are happy with that you can have more to give to others.

[Jane Doe]

hmm... I guess the happiness they talk about is not the happiness that we all ascribe to, rather the self that you are happy with that you can have more to give to others.

 

That's correct. Sometimes you have to give yourself the things that a partner isn't or can't give you. Be good to yourself, love yourself, and be able to stand alone. That goes for whether or not you have someone special in your life. We come into the world alone and ultimately leave the world alone.

[chocolate_boy]

For me, I seem to accept that people come and go, I've gone through 4 breakups alone on this site since I signed up in 2003. I got the same advice every time, "move on, forget about her and make way for someone who really deserves you", someone else has always come along, but then it goes wrong too and I'm given the same advice. I'm wondering how many times I'll kiss a frog before my princess eventually does arrive...

[Sonolumino]

I think you can be happy alone, but I think trying to recreate the happiness you had with a partner is naive and impossible. That person was special to you, and that feeling you had won't come along again. If you go out and be happy when you play guitar like you said, then that's great. Having time to yourself, working on your own problems, being fully content with all of yourself, then deciding to start a relationship seems to be the way to go. If you can't be happy on your own, or be content with your life on your own, your relationship will fail.

[Cee]

I think practically every post in this thread is amazing. I love it when people talk about their experience in being alone. Being on my own has been the most thrilling experience I've ever had. In the six years of being single, I've done so many new things and conquered a lot of fears. I get sick of myself sometimes, but I never knew how much I could love myself until I ended the 15-year cycle of serial monogamy.

 

I have full confidence that I can do anything that I put my mind to (except Olympic figure skating and a couple of other things).

[harkkam]

So the consensus is that:

 

1) Be happy with yourself single as in who you are and what you are so that you can give to the other person emotionally.

 

2) However thinking that you will FEEL the same emotional momentary happiness of having a man or woman in your bed or on a date is a silly notion to imagine. Being singe will not and cannot equal the same emotions of being in a relationship.

 

My next question is that if you do want a relationship do you go out actively seeking to date people and meet new people to fill that role or do you date people for the hell of it for fun and if one person catches your eye you make it more serious?

[chocolate_boy]

So the consensus is that:

 

1) Be happy with yourself single as in who you are and what you are so that you can give to the other person emotionally.

 

2) However thinking that you will FEEL the same emotional momentary happiness of having a man or woman in your bed or on a date is a silly notion to imagine. Being singe will not and cannot equal the same emotions of being in a relationship.

 

My next question is that if you do want a relationship do you go out actively seeking to date people and meet new people to fill that role or do you date people for the hell of it for fun and if one person catches your eye you make it more serious?

 

I think maybe it is important to date. I was single for 2.5 years, then dated the first girl I liked in ages and I came on too strong and put her off, maybe if I'd have had a steady stream of women over that time I wouldn't have done that.

 

Sadly I'm pretty much off the idea of dating again after being hurt badly again.

[EricaH329]

I have gotten to the point where i'm happier alone than I was when I was with my ex fiance. Does that mean I never loved him? Definitely not. I loved him with everything I had, it was the hardest break up for me ever. When I think back on the good times we had, I smile.

 

The first step towards being happy alone is learning more about yourself. Finding yourself. Loving and respecting yourself. What makes you happy? What makes you sad? Focus more on what makes you happy. Don't allow people in your life that disrespect you, surround yourself with positivity.

 

You need to find in yourself what you found in your ex. Love. And once you have love for yourself, and actively participate in it, you'll learn that being alone can actually make you happier than with anyone else. Why? Because it's on your terms, not anyone elses.

 

It takes a lot of self-reflection, swallowing your pride, and honesty. It's not an easy task, and it's a never ending one, but it is definitely worth it.

[Ajax]

 

You need to find in yourself what you found in your ex. Love. And once you have love for yourself, and actively participate in it, you'll learn that being alone can actually make you happier than with anyone else. Why? Because it's on your terms, not anyone elses.

 

 

So if a person can get to the point where they're happier being alone than with anyone else, why get involved in a relationship in the first place?

 

Just to play the devil's advocate, if I'm happy alone and living life on my terms, why risk that by being with someone else?

 

If anyone can be happier alone than with someone else, relationships are an unnecessary risk.

[Shadowburn]

It's would be naive to underestimate a power of romantic love - it's one of the strongest human emotions.

 

But you have to be realistic about it and about what you're expecting out of it. You can't fill with love and relationships the basic needs. Whether in relationship or not, you still need a job to survive and pay your bills, you still have to attend family functions, you still need to deal with life and all of its unpleasantness and issues, you still need to be there for your friends, you still will get sick, you still may get fired, and so on and so forth - you got the picture.

 

Being in relationship sometimes comes down to having a company to share your life with, and physical connection. Be completley honest and ask yourself what this other super special person brings to your life that was not there before, and is it something you really really can't do without.

 

You may miss the highs of a new relationship and love, but remember, they don't last. Couple years down the road, you're still dealing with the same old life, and it all comes back to you and you only.

 

Hope that makes sense. Good luck.

[EricaH329]

So if a person can get to the point where they're happier being alone than with anyone else, why get involved in a relationship in the first place?

 

Just to play the devil's advocate, if I'm happy alone and living life on my terms, why risk that by being with someone else?

 

If anyone can be happier alone than with someone else, relationships are an unnecessary risk.

 

That's just it though. Once you find yourself, and are able to fully be happy on your own without anyone else, is when you look for someone who can make you happier than you make yourself. Which is a tough thing. Someone who can respect you the same way you respect yourself, love you the same way you love yourself. Being in a relationship should add to the quality of your life, not become the quality.

 

 

Why be in a relationship when you are perfectly happy alone?? I haven't gotten to that point yet, i'm so happy being alone that i'm done dating for awhile. Enjoying the new found happiness. But... i'm sure that when I am ready to be in a relationship, i'll be looking for someone else to share that happiness with. The next step, so to speak. An added bonus.

[chocolate_boy]

 

You may miss the highs of a new relationship and love, but remember, they don't last. Couple years down the road, you're still dealing with the same old life, and it all comes back to you and you only.

 

Hope that makes sense. Good luck.

 

Very true, I'm back to just being me. The thing is I've been actually quite happy single, then this girl came into my life, caputred my heart, pursued me and then dumped me, leaving me heartbroken, doesn't seem right somehow. I regret ever letting her in now, I'm healing but I honestly would have rather stayed as I was before I met her than get hurt again like this. We had some fun times and she was very affectionate and made me feel wonderful before she ditched me, but it wasn't worth this pain I've felt for the last 2 months.

 

I suppose I didn't realise how vunerable I had become in my single years.

[EricaH329]

You may miss the highs of a new relationship and love, but remember, they don't last. Couple years down the road, you're still dealing with the same old life, and it all comes back to you and you only.

 

Quoted for truth.

[GrayClouds]

So if a person can get to the point where they're happier being alone than with anyone else, why get involved in a relationship in the first place?

 

Just to play the devil's advocate, if I'm happy alone and living life on my terms, why risk that by being with someone else?

 

If anyone can be happier alone than with someone else, relationships are an unnecessary risk.

 

If your happy alone and living your life on your terms, there is no risk in getting involved in a relationship. For if the relationship does not work out, you now know you are able to be happy and live on your terms. But the odds are now much better it will work for you now able to make choices about who to be in a relationship based on the fact you are in a position of strength and self love rather then weakness and need.

[health]

Most advice that I read centers around the idea that you have to learn to be happy alone, before you can be in a relationship. That when somebody breaks up with you that you realize that you can be on your own and still smile.

 

I can understand that after a breakup you will feel really sad, and I did and I felt more pain than I have ever endured. Then you start doing small things for yourself and the pain subsides and you feel nothing. Then you start laughing a bit and you feel a bit better.

 

But my question is how does a person ever forget the happiness that the other person brought.

 

I think its a lie to say that you will feel JUST as happy alone as you did while you were together.

 

I may be watching a movie with my friend, I may be in the city hanging out in the club or walking by the park. That provides a social outlet.

 

But when I was in my relationship (NC for 5 months now, 1 year relationship)

everything was better. How can a walk in the park with your friends ever feel like walking with your girl holding her hand and kissing her.

 

You could be in your buddies car and driving to a friends house which is a fun night. But how does that compare to driving to the beach with your girlfriend and making out on the sand dunes with the cold wind in your hair.

 

Can I learn to be happy without her yes, but happiness is arbitrary. Can I ever feel just as happy as I did as those moments that we spent together while I am alone, I doubt it.

 

I think to ever experience the same level of happiness only a person that you love again can bring that about. I think alone you can be happy but just not AS happy.

 

I cant be as happy sitting here in my room enjoying my guitar, as I did when she was standing next to me and I was playing for her. Or I cant be as happy when me and my buddies are sitting in a dinner at 2 in the morning as I did when me and her were at the dinner.

 

Sure the things I do are not bad now, but just not as great. Is this a reasonable feeling?

 

That's what you believe so it's true for you.

Basing your happiness on things you have no control of is not good.

Not saying you have to control people. I'm saying - when YOU give your love that's what should bring you happiness. If you need another person to make you happy - then most of your life you're not gonna be happy.

If all these complex things have to happen in order for you to be happy - that's not cool.

[skydiveaddict]

I agree with none of this. It's part of the human condition to want companionship. Look at all the dating sites, relationship discussion forums, books, magazines, tv ads etc all geared towards finding your special "someone". It isn't coincidence. People (with few exceptions) were not meant to be alone. Even in the Bible God says "It is not good that the man should be alone".

[health]

I agree with none of this. It's part of the human condition to want companionship. Look at all the dating sites, relationship discussion forums, books, magazines, tv ads etc all geared towards finding your special "someone". It isn't coincidence. People (with few exceptions) were not meant to be alone. Even in the Bible God says "It is not good that the man should be alone".

 

That's culture. The current culture, not based on principles.

 

It is not good to think "I need someone" to be happy - nor is it good to think "I can be totally happy alone"

 

There is a balance. The thing is - a relationship is what the two people bring to it. If both people find little joy outside a relationship, and they are unhappy - the relationship will not last.

 

In a healthy relationship the individual but be relatively happy and able to take care of themselves independently, financially and be good.

[Ajax]

That's culture. The current culture, not based on principles.

 

It is not good to think "I need someone" to be happy - nor is it good to think "I can be totally happy alone"

 

There is a balance. The thing is - a relationship is what the two people bring to it. If both people find little joy outside a relationship, and they are unhappy - the relationship will not last.

 

In a healthy relationship the individual but be relatively happy and able to take care of themselves independently, financially and be good.

 

 

I agree with Health. I think this is a "healthy" view. In my posts I'm not saying that you need someone else to make you happy. What I was saying is that if everyone can be happier alone, what's the point of being in a relationship?

 

I'm not saying that that's actually the point of view anyone's arguing, but some of the posts can be read that way.

 

Yes, you need to be happy alone before you can be happy with someone. But if I read some (not all) of these posts literally then there's nothing a relationship can bring to me that I can't achieve on my own.

 

I may be wrong, and I know someone will jump down my throat about this, but I interpret some of these posts to be saying that if you're happy alone, and you find yourself in a relationship, then if that relationship ends you should still be happy alone.

 

It doesn't work that way. I was happy with my life without my ex. I wasn't looking for someone at the time. But When I found her I realized my life was better with her. When she left, my life was not as full. It mattered to me that she was in my life. So at least for the time being I'm not as happy without her as I would be with her.

 

I know, I know, this is not what people are saying. I just think that a lot of the things people are saying here are somewhat simplistic.

[health]

I agree with Health. I think this is a "healthy" view. In my posts I'm not saying that you need someone else to make you happy. What I was saying is that if everyone can be happier alone, what's the point of being in a relationship?

 

I'm not saying that that's actually the point of view anyone's arguing, but some of the posts can be read that way.

 

Yes, you need to be happy alone before you can be happy with someone. But if I read some (not all) of these posts literally then there's nothing a relationship can bring to me that I can't achieve on my own.

 

I may be wrong, and I know someone will jump down my throat about this, but I interpret some of these posts to be saying that if you're happy alone, and you find yourself in a relationship, then if that relationship ends you should still be happy alone.

 

It doesn't work that way. I was happy with my life without my ex. I wasn't looking for someone at the time. But When I found her I realized my life was better with her. When she left, my life was not as full. It mattered to me that she was in my life. So at least for the time being I'm not as happy without her as I would be with her.

 

I know, I know, this is not what people are saying. I just think that a lot of the things people are saying here are somewhat simplistic.

 

You can be happy alone. Happy with the person, break up and go through grief. In that grief - there's the pain that follows. Eventually you can be happy alone again!

 

See, you can win a trophy. Sharing it with another person makes that experience 10X better! You Can share experiences with loved ones - friends, fam...even a nice cat! Doesn't have to be a lover. lol

[TLCbear]

You need to find in yourself what you found in your ex. Love. And once you have love for yourself, and actively participate in it, you'll learn that being alone can actually make you happier than with anyone else. Why? Because it's on your terms, not anyone elses.

 

I agree. I've always enjoyed being single for the simple fact I don't have to answer to anyone. I can do what I want whenever I want. Don't have to deal with any drama. Sure it gets a little lonely and bored sometimes, but I can deal with that any day, than dealing with constant fights, lies, cheating, disrepect, hurt, and so forth.

 

Since my recent break up, I'm really enjoying the small simple things like having my bed to myself so I can sleep the way I want (in the middle of the bed, lol), not having to shave my legs all the time, cooking when I want, washing dishes when I want, playing the music loud as I want...well you get the drift...feels nice right now.

[EricaH329]

I agree. I've always enjoyed being single for the simple fact I don't have to answer to anyone. I can do what I want whenever I want. Don't have to deal with any drama. Sure it gets a little lonely and bored sometimes, but I can deal with that any day, than dealing with constant fights, lies, cheating, disrepect, hurt, and so forth.

 

Since my recent break up, I'm really enjoying the small simple things like having my bed to myself so I can sleep the way I want (in the middle of the bed, lol), not having to shave my legs all the time, cooking when I want, washing dishes when I want, playing the music loud as I want...well you get the drift...feels nice right now.

 

Amen!! There are so many things to be thankful for, that I didn't even realize. "Alone does not mean lonely", awesome quote. So true.

[skydiveaddict]

I agree. I've always enjoyed being single for the simple fact I don't have to answer to anyone. I can do what I want whenever I want. Don't have to deal with any drama. Sure it gets a little lonely and bored sometimes, but I can deal with that any day, than dealing with constant fights, lies, cheating, disrepect, hurt, and so forth.

 

Since my recent break up, I'm really enjoying the small simple things like having my bed to myself so I can sleep the way I want (in the middle of the bed, lol), not having to shave my legs all the time, cooking when I want, washing dishes when I want, playing the music loud as I want...well you get the drift...feels nice right now.

 

 

I wish I could be more like you. I just hate doing everything alone. Being alone. Everyday. The sooner the army ships us out the better. Then I don't mind being alone.

[Zach565]

I think it really depends on the person and where you are in life. For me, just recently getting out of a relationship, I can appreciate the comfort and freedom to do whatever I want. But I also realize that in time, those things will seem like small potatoes in comparison to the rush of a new love and the potential for care, intimacy, and deep companionship down the line. The thing is, for the most part I know what it's like to be alone - but you never know just how amazing your next relationship could be.

 

But I also realize that for whatever reason, some people are just content being alone. When my grandfather died (before I was born) my grandmother decided that she could never love another man like she loved him, and at 80 years old she's still single. Of course I respect and admire her decision, but I'm not yet ready to stop searching!