NotaBadGuy Posted February 29, 2004 Posted February 29, 2004 I have a few questions for anyone interested in replying....what the hell do you have to do to overcome the cload of negativity surrounding the bitter end of a relationship? How do you forgive and forget what the other person has done to you? I am having the hardest time moving on. I know I should be further alone in my coping and am getting rather frustrated that I am letting this get the best of me. I function rather well in my everyday life to those around me but I am still having the hardest time. Maybe I continue to create the lack of coping in my own mind. I want to move on, I really do. But I can't seem to jump the initial hurdle. But then again, there is nothing holding me back. Just wondering what others insight on the situation might be.
fishman3226 Posted February 29, 2004 Posted February 29, 2004 I is never easy. I like to think like this... You dont need them in your life but you want them. At the end of the day I want $1,000,000 but I dont need it to survive. If you think like that it puts things into perspective somewhat. Other than that, what about a counsellor to talk to? It is the best feeling if you go and get everything of your chest to someone. I found it hugely valuable to talk to someone. Or vent right here!! Works to tell people how you are feeling.
Tony T Posted February 29, 2004 Posted February 29, 2004 This is a very common problem. It just takes time, less for some...more for others. Meantime, keep busy, do things with your friends, talk to a counsellor, get plenty of sleep, eat well and do things for yourself you always wanted to do. The end of a relationship is often difficult but it also signals the nearness of a new beginning that's always much better. Relationships end for good reason...just as milk spoils.
UCFKevin Posted February 29, 2004 Posted February 29, 2004 It depends. When did it end? If it was very recently, you can't expect that "forgive and forget" thing any time soon, really. Everything's too fresh. But if it's been a while and you're still bitter and angry...well...to be frank, why would you want to forgive and forget? What does it matter anyway, really? Feel how you want to feel. Is feeling like how you feel doing you harm? Or is it just that you WANT to get past it? It has to be natural, you can't force yourself to feel a certain way. Well, you CAN, but that's usually when you have a lot of people in your ears saying, "Do this, do this, do this."
Arabess Posted February 29, 2004 Posted February 29, 2004 Other than 'time'....there is no real cure for a broken heart. You can try a few 'beer bandaides' and trying to keep yourself otherwise occupied....other than that....you just have to ride it out. There are quite a few websites which address the issue. Maybe you could goof with your search engine in order to get some ideas on what all you can do between 'now' and feeling 'sane' again! There is no set time frame.
NotaBadGuy Posted February 29, 2004 Posted February 29, 2004 Fisherman, I know it is not an issue of survival. And that is a good analogy to look at. It is more of an issue for me about moving on. I know I do not need this chick to live my life and be successful. That is why I am having such a hard time figuring out why I am so bogged down with this whole thing. Thanks for listening. Tony, Good call. Milk eventually does spoil. But isn't there something that is sometimes made with spoiled milk? I can't think of it right now. I know what you mean though. Thanks. UCFKevin, When did it end? It sort of ended back in November of last year. She left after 6 months of marriage and began seeing another guy in mid-October. She filed for divorce in December and it was final mid-February. Why would I want to forgive and forget? The reason being that it is not healthy to hold a grudge or even let this sitution bother me anymore. I am really in a better place considering the way things went down. This I know. But I contunue to stay down and angry about the whole situation. It just baffles me. I have alot going on for me but it seems like nothing at this point in time. Don't get me wrong, I am better now than I was before, but I feel as if I should be much further along the road to recovery than I am. Do I want to get passed it? Hell yes I do. I am doing everything I can to get passed this whole situation. I am involved in so many things right now that my time is at a premium to even myself. This was personally done to help take my mind away from things. It helps at times, but mostly, it temporarliy pacifies things. I still have trouble going out into public out of fear that I may run into her or this new guy. I have changed where I get my gas for that reason. And I know this is stupid. I am even considering leaving this town so I don't have to worry about that anymore. She was here first, so I will leave. I do have the people telling me to do this, but it is not enough at this point. Thanks for responding. I appreciate it. Arabess, Maybe that is it. Maybe I just have a broken heart and I will heal when I have recovered. I just want to be well on the road to recovery. But then again, maybe I am and I don't know it. Thanks.
Dixiecron Posted March 1, 2004 Posted March 1, 2004 Don't drive yourself crazy trying to fill -all- of your time just so you won't think about things. Back off from some obligations if you can. Give yourself a small present: time for yourself to do whatever you feel like at the moment. You do the forgiveness bit for yourself. Hang on to that anger and bitterness, and you're just causing yourself more pain beyond what she did. Its always easier said than done, but you have to let go of that. Things die. Don't try to think too much, just let things from inside surface, and then consider them, then let them float away so you can ponder the next thought or feeling. Don't think, just do. If there's something you've been dreaming of doing for a long time, this is the time to do it. Do you live in a small town? If so, I can understand your wanting to move, but if not, just find new places to hang out.
NotaBadGuy Posted March 1, 2004 Posted March 1, 2004 Well, it depends on your definition of a small town? As for time for myself - it does not do much for me at this point in time. If I fill my time, I do not have to worry about thinking about any of this. Sad way to live, I know this much, but time for myself ends up more unproductive and demoralizing than any other time. Does that even make sense? How do you let go of the anger and the bitterness? I am and have truly been trying. I want to let go of the whole thing, but for some reason it consumes me.
Dixiecron Posted March 1, 2004 Posted March 1, 2004 I generally think of a small town as, say, 3 or 4 thousand people. The kind of place where everyone knows your business and you can't help but run into an ex. What you're saying makes sense. I myself find that it helps not to try to fight it for a while. Maybe get some exercise when its gets real bad (you might be surprised at the number of pushups you can do when you feel like this). I like to tell myself that the pain is just a symptom of the weakness leaving my body and that sort of thing. Tell yourself that when the pain passes, you will be stronger than you ever have been before.
NotaBadGuy Posted March 3, 2004 Posted March 3, 2004 Well, the town is bigger than that, but it might as well be that big. I am currently in the gym and doing rather well at that aspect of things - exercising. I guess the pain is a sympton of the weakness leaving my body. I sure as heck be glad when it is gone. I know I will be stronger in the end, its just gettting to the end that is the tough part. Thanks for the reply.
Cpunch75 Posted March 3, 2004 Posted March 3, 2004 Are there any sporting events or organizations that you can join? How about Social clubs or getting back into the wknd groove with your friends on a regular basis? I think youre in the anger stage, the "why did you do this to me" feeling....where she may never tell you why she left. But, know this, you are successfully DEALING with it! Self sufficiency is key, dependecy is a one way ticket to hell. "Sad way to live, I know this much, but time for myself ends up more unproductive and demoralizing than any other time." so youre saying that what you currently decide on what to do with yourself isn't working, try something else to get your mind out of it. If that doesnt work, try something else and repeat.... "Does that even make sense? How do you let go of the anger and the bitterness? " Its not your fault she left you, maybe you are mad at yourself? Think about it. "I am and have truly been trying. I want to let go of the whole thing, but for some reason it consumes me" You need to vent more, youre holding it in too much. Talk to someone who will listen to you who understands how you feel. This too, will pass
eagle_nate Posted March 6, 2004 Posted March 6, 2004 I know what you're going through, I recently came out of a 2.5 yr realtionship that i thought was "the one" for along time. We had our ups and downs but i did not see the end coming so suddenly. I too dace the dilemna of getting over it, getting past it, moving on, etc. Instead of writing a novel, I'll simply tell you what helps me...remember this is only a month old for me so the pain is fresh too.... 1) Keeping busy, talking to friends, coming to this site to read and post, merely a distraction but a welcome one. 2) As someone else noted, joining some type of social/athletic group...really helps a bit. Could lead you to new friends/romance? 3) More than anything, what helps me accept this grim reality and face the task of moving forward...try this buddy.... Recall your last relationship or a significant previous romantic relationship.... Think of how much you loved that person and how much it hurt when it ended..... Explore how you feel about it now...... Do you really care? Does it hurt? I'd wager that it might not really affect you anymore, it's old right? It's in the past right? Well, my point is you'll feel this way about her at some point soon...How you get there is up to you, but inevitably, you will be past this in time. Might be acceptance, might be someone new, but either way, you will be looking back on it eventually and wondering why you couldn't eat or sleep!
NotaBadGuy Posted March 7, 2004 Posted March 7, 2004 Thanks to those who have replied. It often helps me to reread the responses when I am questioning my own sanity. Cpunch75, I appreciate your response. I know I am dealing with it. It is just a little more difficult to deal with than I would have anticipated considering the circumstances surrounding the breakup. I always told myself that if a woman ever stepped out on me with another man, I would not have any trouble getting over her. Stupid me. This has now happened to me twice (being married two times at that). What I once told myself I would be able to overcome with no afterthoughts has taken me on two of the most painful journeys in my life. I sometimes ask myself whether I am a person who needs and depends on others. Maybe to an extent based on my childhood, but not to the extent that I feel I totaly need someone. But who knows, maybe I am fooling myself. It is more about the betrayal of intimacy and emotion that I have been bothered by. Am I mad at myself about her leaving? In a strange way, I guess I am. I am still in the self blame stage. I often sit back and tell myself that I should have been around for her more, I should have shown her more attention, I should have done this and that. But then I have to tell myself that I did not make her choices for her. She had her own free will. She could point the blame my way all she wants, but I never made her do anything she didn't make a choice to do on her own. The funny thing is that I was willing to renig on something I told myself I would never do - to take someone back that had stepped out on me. Because I would never and have never done such a thing, I always told myself that I would not accept anyone who did such a thing to me. Shame on me. I backed out on that promise to myself back in November when I told her I would forgive her if that were the case. Like I said, shame on me. Maybe I do need to vent more. I hold most of it in and interanlize it. I know that's not healthy. I will work on that. Eagle_nate, Thanks for the sound advice. I appreciate your response and understand where you are coming from. Moving forward is what I want more than anything. BUt it is something I have to push myself to do. As for getting involved in outside activities, I am so involved in things right now I can hardly catch myself coming or going. Works most of the time to occupy my time, but not always. I know I am better off without the chick and will continue to be. I will eventually get over her. It just takes time. Thanks for the support. I hope you get to the point where life is sweet again. I see you appear to be further along than me one month after your ending came about. Mine appeared suddenly in mid-October of last year. Taking a little more time than I expected, but I shall overcome this. Thanks again.
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