20Seconds Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 Has anyone ever asked the MM why he has so little respect for the BW - who generally at least washes his clothes, cooks his meals, nurtures his kids etc - if not also providing him with a physical and emotional love and support - that he would sleep with an OW? (Or similarly if a MW, of course) If so, what response did you get? Do you, or did you think, at the time, that it was justifiable? Are there any circumstances when it is ever justifiable?
FanFan Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 (edited) Has anyone ever asked the MM why he has so little respect for the BW - who generally at least washes his clothes, cooks his meals, nurtures his kids etc - if not also providing him with a physical and emotional love and support - that he would sleep with an OW? (Or similarly if a MW, of course) If so, what response did you get? Do you, or did you think, at the time, that it was justifiable? Are there any circumstances when it is ever justifiable? Cheaters lie. They lie to thier spouse and they lie to the people they are cheating with, AND many times, they lie to themselves. They lie to justify their affair even if it means lying to themselves. They would often make their spouses to be this monster, cold block of ice, or mean spirited beings so they can get sympathy and sex from the other person. Sometime they believe it themselves to ease the guilt if there is any. Edited October 10, 2010 by FanFan
Silly_Girl Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 Has anyone ever asked the MM why he has so little respect for the BW - who generally at least washes his clothes, Yes, she did do that. She worked part-time and he supported her in this. Therefore this was considered one of her tasks whilst he worked 45+ hours a week cooks his meals, Yes, she did this. See above nurtures his kids etc No child, no physical possibility of children due to lack of intercourse if not also providing him with a physical and emotional love and support Some limited affection, she was unable to fully support and love him, because she didn't know the real him and some aspects of his personality were kept out of the relationship at her request (his sex drive, for example) that he would sleep with an OW? He remained faithful throughout her affair, and even after she returned having been dumped. When the relationship did not improve he should have left. Instead he had an affair. (Or similarly if a MW, of course) If so, what response did you get? Do you, or did you think, at the time, that it was justifiable? Are there any circumstances when it is ever justifiable? I don't think he should have cheated. I think he should have left prior to meeting me. Unfortunately many years of denial meant it took a lot of introspection for him to realise that it was not okay to 'manage' through a relationship, to feel like a burden, to feel judged and to blame for many things.
Circular Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 Has anyone ever asked the MM why he has so little respect for the BW - who generally at least washes his clothes, cooks his meals, nurtures his kids etc - if not also providing him with a physical and emotional love and support - that he would sleep with an OW? (Or similarly if a MW, of course) If so, what response did you get? Do you, or did you think, at the time, that it was justifiable? Are there any circumstances when it is ever justifiable? Is it ever justifiable? No not really, being disrespectful isn't something I'll sit here and try to defend. I think there are a few things; Unless you've been in the situation it can be very hard to relate just like I can't relate to the bond a woman has with her child, I can understand it but I can't relate to it and it's futile for me to try. Secondly, you paint the picture like we're all married to June Cleaver, that's not reality either. Is it justfiable? no. Was/is there something missing from my life that my xAP fulfilled, most definitely. Matter of fact that's been a difficult part of the ending of it all, I now realize that 'gap' that I had for so long is fillable, now I have to figure out how to do it on my own.... not simple.
wheelwright Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Has anyone ever asked the MM why he has so little respect for the BW - who generally at least washes his clothes, cooks his meals, nurtures his kids etc - if not also providing him with a physical and emotional love and support - that he would sleep with an OW? (Or similarly if a MW, of course) If so, what response did you get? Do you, or did you think, at the time, that it was justifiable? Are there any circumstances when it is ever justifiable? I don't see this as a cheating is wrong thing -though it often is. If you are not being treated right, I think cheating seems like a sane option sometimes. There are many variables. When I cheated, it was not for my MP I had disrespect, but for my M. Big difference. I saw this in my AP also. Perhaps it's common. As a WS/MOW I also didn't question his disconnect with his W too much. I'd advise OW of any kind to do the asking there. Sometimes they desperately want to reconnect - and the A helps them. So be helpful in the early stages of the A, rather than feeling used later.
September Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Has anyone ever asked the MM why he has so little respect for the BW - who generally at least washes his clothes, cooks his meals, nurtures his kids etc - if not also providing him with a physical and emotional love and support - that he would sleep with an OW? My xMM's wife was very good at doing the laundry, so much so when he wanted to spend time with her she decided it was time to wash and iron at night. She was a SAHM and would rather do her domestics at night and spend time with the teenage children rather than spend any time with him. During the day she was out having coffee's and lunches with friends, she didn't want the house messed. He craved affection, intimacy and attention - rejected (Sunday night was the night for that!) He wanted to sit and watch a movie with her - rejected (the kids need her help with homework or ironing to be done) Try to spice up the intimacy - rejected (the kids might catch them). He often asked her to go for walks with him - rejected. Go away for a weekend or night together - rejected (she would miss the kids too much). Cooking a nice recipe he found - Rejected (she hates cooking). The list could go on and on and on. I wonder why, he ended up having an Affair???? Are there any circumstances when it is ever justifiable? To be honest, in his case, I think he can justify it....sometimes people get so sick of trying to get attention/love from their partners. Even when given plenty of warning that they are not happy.
ladydesigner Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 To be honest, in his case, I think he can justify it....sometimes people get so sick of trying to get attention/love from their partners. Even when given plenty of warning that they are not happy. But sometimes they need to give back in return, did he help with the homework, or cooking, and everything else. I know when my H had his A it was because I wasn't paying enough attention. Now seriously I had to work full-time, care for the kids, cook, do homework. He just wanted to sit on his A** and receive attention. It doesn't work like that. Oh well it wasn't until after his A's, my RA, and threatening to kick him out that he finally got his act together and started helping out. Now I want to pay attention to him, I want intimacy. Our marriage is a different marriage than it was pre-affairs.
September Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 (edited) But sometimes they need to give back in return, did he help with the homework, or cooking, and everything else. I know when my H had his A it was because I wasn't paying enough attention. Now seriously I had to work full-time, care for the kids, cook, do homework. He just wanted to sit on his A** and receive attention. It doesn't work like that. Oh well it wasn't until after his A's, my RA, and threatening to kick him out that he finally got his act together and started helping out. Now I want to pay attention to him, I want intimacy. Our marriage is a different marriage than it was pre-affairs. Yes, he did help - a lot. He cooked a couple of nights per week the other nights they got take away. He also took their 3 children to their sports training sessions/games/lessons. Dropped them off and picked them up from their part time jobs. He tended to the garden and did all of the finances/bills. Washed her car every week and filled it with petrol. The list goes on. He provided a very, very comfortable lifestyle for his w and children, they never went without. He worked his butt off starting early in the morning and was home by 4 in the afternoon. I think she now wants to pay attention to him because she doesn't want to lose what she has and really, I don't blame her.... Edited October 12, 2010 by September left something out
GreenEyedLady Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Has anyone ever asked the MM why he has so little respect for the BW - who generally at least washes his clothes, cooks his meals, nurtures his kids etc - if not also providing him with a physical and emotional love and support - that he would sleep with an OW? (Or similarly if a MW, of course) If so, what response did you get? Do you, or did you think, at the time, that it was justifiable? Are there any circumstances when it is ever justifiable? It's not about the BS. Why would an OW spend any more time on the BS than the BS would spend on her? GEL
pureinheart Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Has anyone ever asked the MM why he has so little respect for the BW - who generally at least washes his clothes, cooks his meals, nurtures his kids etc - if not also providing him with a physical and emotional love and support - that he would sleep with an OW? (Or similarly if a MW, of course) If so, what response did you get? Do you, or did you think, at the time, that it was justifiable? Are there any circumstances when it is ever justifiable? I didn't have to ask, it was obvious. Neither of them respected the other, they were living separate lives already. My first thought (bold) was, your kidding right?
ladydesigner Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Yes, he did help - a lot. He cooked a couple of nights per week the other nights they got take away. He also took their 3 children to their sports training sessions/games/lessons. Dropped them off and picked them up from their part time jobs. He tended to the garden and did all of the finances/bills. Washed her car every week and filled it with petrol. The list goes on. He provided a very, very comfortable lifestyle for his w and children, they never went without. He worked his butt off starting early in the morning and was home by 4 in the afternoon. I think she now wants to pay attention to him because she doesn't want to lose what she has and really, I don't blame her.... I see, thank you for clarifying. Sounds like he does a lot for her. She should be taking care of what is important to her then. I completely agree.
greengoddess Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Yes, he did help - a lot. He cooked a couple of nights per week the other nights they got take away. He also took their 3 children to their sports training sessions/games/lessons. Dropped them off and picked them up from their part time jobs. He tended to the garden and did all of the finances/bills. Washed her car every week and filled it with petrol. The list goes on. He provided a very, very comfortable lifestyle for his w and children, they never went without. He worked his butt off starting early in the morning and was home by 4 in the afternoon. I think she now wants to pay attention to him because she doesn't want to lose what she has and really, I don't blame her.... When did he find time to be with you then if he was coming home and sharing with the responsibilities?
September Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 When did he find time to be with you then if he was coming home and sharing with the responsibilities? We spent all day together Monday-Friday (we worked with each other) and had the odd evening out with each other. I too was married and these hours also suited me. Where there is a will, there is a way... We made sure that time with our children and our responsibilites/duties at home continued without interruption.
September Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 I see, thank you for clarifying. Sounds like he does a lot for her. She should be taking care of what is important to her then. I completely agree. Yes, he certainly did/does do a lot for all of them. But, what was missing was physical and emotional love. Apparently, it's just not the way she is though. He loved cuddling and talking, the very basic needs of a relationship. It was never part of their relationship, it's just not the way she is. I have a couple of girlfriends that are like that and they will never change, it's just the way they are. Without sounding too harsh, almost Ice Maiden like. Throw a few children into the mix and time for the partner reduces immensely. He was very lonely and craved love and affection, all the things he wanted from home but just didn't get. She didn't want to know about him until someone else came along. Hopefully he is now getting everything that he needs but to be honest, I doubt it. It's hard to be something you're not...
Author 20Seconds Posted October 12, 2010 Author Posted October 12, 2010 It's not about the BS. Why would an OW spend any more time on the BS than the BS would spend on her? GEL Do you mean why would I think about the BW, GEL? I do. I don;t know if she thinks about me (despite thinking she knows). The morality of affairs confuses me. I act in a certain way which is contrary to what I feel is right, and I do not understand why I do it. What is it that stops us from doing certain things (stealing for e.g.) because even though we would like something, we know it is wrong to take it? Yet the same doesn't seem to apply in an affair. Does that imply we all - MP & AP - have to justify it to ourselves in some way?
Author 20Seconds Posted October 12, 2010 Author Posted October 12, 2010 He provided a very, very comfortable lifestyle for his w and children, they never went without. He worked his butt off starting early in the morning and was home by 4 in the afternoon. I think MM justifies things in a similar way. He used to get up at 4.30 am, drive 100 miles, do a day's work, see me, get up early, do another day's work, drive back 100 miles, take his children to their activities...etc, then start all over again. They too want for nothing and he works extremely hard to provide it.
MorningCoffee Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Do you mean why would I think about the BW, GEL? I do. I don;t know if she thinks about me (despite thinking she knows). The morality of affairs confuses me. I act in a certain way which is contrary to what I feel is right, and I do not understand why I do it. What is it that stops us from doing certain things (stealing for e.g.) because even though we would like something, we know it is wrong to take it? Yet the same doesn't seem to apply in an affair. Does that imply we all - MP & AP - have to justify it to ourselves in some way? I do think there is a lot of justifying to oneself, in order to try to stave off the guilt one might otherwise feel at doing something that is at odds with one's own usual morality. I know my behavior certainly was contrary to what I thought my values were, as well as how I'd want to be treated, and how I raised my kids to act. It really is self-delusional, to some extent, too. While I was involved with my ex-AP/MW, I told myself that she was the one with the vows being broken, not me. I thought her BH HAD to know, the signs were all so obvious -- he always knew (well, almost always) when she was spending time with me and where we were. It was weird. I just told myself (1) he really doesn't care or (2) he knows and is just waiting it out, hoping I'll go away, or (3) he is glad she is getting her emotional fix with me and he doesn't have to deal with her need for it, so he is willing to put up with me in her life (of course he did not know it had become physical), or (4) (my personal favorite) "all's fair in love and war" or, in other words, if he can't hold on to his woman, that's his tough lookout. But every once in a while I'd look at myself in the mirror and think, what the F are you doing??!! Maybe it's part of the "affair fog" one reads so much about.
September Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 I do think there is a lot of justifying to oneself, in order to try to stave off the guilt one might otherwise feel at doing something that is at odds with one's own usual morality. He never once said to me the reason he was having an affair was because my wife does or doesn't do that, he didn't have to justify anything to me, as I was dong the same thing and I knew why I was there. Over the 2 year relationship, I learnt a lot about him. What he loves, wants and needs. He obviously wasn't getting that at home and he found it in me (and I am not just talking about sex by the way). He didn't sit there and put his w down to me to make me feel sorry for him or let me think he was justified in what he was doing. I worked out a lot about his marriage and it's issues myself and from people that knew them very well.
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