prettybaby Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 My bf's brother & wife have made it a habit to drop off their kids to my bf's parents so they can go out and have fun. My bf lives just 1 block away from his parents, so the kids often come knocking on his door unexpectedly. My bf and his parents are sick of it, and I'm starting to reach my limit too. They have all told the brother & his wife that they need to stop going out so much and stay at home with their damn kids, but they don't care. So long story short: my bf & I were making out this morning, when the kids came running to the front door and started knocking and yelling for him to come open the door. I was so pissed! He was too, and neither of us felt like getting out of bed. So we decided not to respond and we basically laid there in bed not trying to make a sound while waiting for them to freaking leave. Talk about a mood killer. Ugh. I told him I'm sick of it, and he is too. He told me they (= him and his parents) have already been pretty blunt about it, but they apparently don't care at all. Whenever they feel like it, they put the kids in the car, stop by the parents' house and are like "see ya tomorrow". Seriously, what can be done to make it stop? Apparently, telling them flat out is not working.
brainygirl Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 Call child protective services ans tell them that the kids have been abandoned at the house and if you are going to be expected to care for them and reaarange your lives for them, you need child support. The social worker who shows up at the inlaw's house will proabably scare them enough to get them to at least pay a sitter.
Author prettybaby Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 (edited) I don't think my bf's parents would want to go that far, and honestly, I'm not sure my bf and I would either. No point getting into a legal mess when the kids themselves are actually always in good hands (be it with the grandparents or my bf or whichever member of the family). I just wish we could figure out a way to get it through their thick skulls that this is getting ridiculous and that it needs to stop, or at least happen less often. Besides, what would qualify as child abandonment? One night/week? Two nights/week? How many days/month? I mean, they're very often at the grandparents or at my boyfriend's place, but not in the sense that they're there full time. It's not like they don't love their kids or don't want anything to do with them. They just like to go out A LOT. To the point where it bothers everyone who has to babysit for them. Edited October 10, 2010 by prettybaby
brainygirl Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 I don't think my bf's parents would want to go that far, and honestly, I'm not sure my bf and I would either. No point getting into a legal mess when the kids themselves are actually always in good hands (be it with the grandparents or my bf or whichever member of the family). I just wish we could figure out a way to get it through their thick skulls that this is getting ridiculous and that it needs to stop, or at least happen less often. Besides, what would qualify as child abandonment? One night/week? Two nights/week? How many days/month? I mean, they're very often at the grandparents or at my boyfriend's place, but not in the sense that they're there full time. It's not like they don't love their kids or don't want anything to do with them. They just like to go out A LOT. To the point where it bothers everyone who has to babysit for them. Its sort of purposeful over reaction. If I took my son to a daycare who's hours were seven am to five thirty pm, and then didn't pick him up until 1am the next day . . . that would be abandonment. Aside from the fact that the kids are being dropped with family, how is it any different? The parents need to spend their own money and hire sitters, and they need to go out less.
Author prettybaby Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 I don't think we'll do that though. It's messed up and will traumatize the kids for sure.
brainygirl Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 I don't think we'll do that though. It's messed up and will traumatize the kids for sure. All the kids would know is that a nice lady asked them about mommy and daddy.
Author prettybaby Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 All the kids would know is that a nice lady asked them about mommy and daddy. Those kids are smart, they'll know exactly what's going on. Besides, the family drama resulting from such a radical move will be enough to mess them up. Nobody's trying to cause world war 3 here. We're just sick of them dropping off the kids all the time.
FryFish Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 I think something "intervention" style with the parents is what it will take. And make them pay for the babysitting time.... Then they have less money to go out as often.
Author prettybaby Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 I'm seriously looking into some way to get them a babysitter as a Christmas present or something. There's a company here that sells all kinds of vouchers for trips, and spas, and all kinds of services, but apparently they don't have anything for babysitters Sucks. I would sooo love to give them that!
Madgick Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 As long as the grandparents keep accepting the kids, the parents will continue to drop them off. Next time the parents drop off the kids, the parents need to say, "Take them with you, we aren't going to be taking them this time." And then the kids need to climb back in mom and dad's car and go with them. Same with you and BF. When the kids knock on the door, your BF needs to open it and tell them they cannot come over unless they call first, and if no one answers the phone, it's not a good time to come over. If you act like doormats you will be treated like doormats. I feel very sorry for those kids.
Citizen Erased Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 Yeah, the parents should just say no when they try to dump the kids on them.
Author prettybaby Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 Yeah. I'm tempted to organize a dinner with my boyfriend and his parents and have a serious talk between the 4 of us about this situation. Because today really pushed me to my limit. At this point, it's not gonna take much for me to flip out, so I feel we need to talk before this happens. My boyfriend and I are both very busy; we barely see each other twice a week and the only time we actually got to be intimate this week was RUINED. Our morning shag should not be interrupted by someone else’s kids. Especially not when the parents in question are actually enjoying a lazy morning LIKE *WE* SHOULD. I don't think any actions are gonna work unless the four of us agree on something. I mean, if the grandparents are too weak to say no, then we need to know, and we need to make it clear that it can no longer affect us, because it's really becoming a pain. Same goes if I lose my patience and get mad at his brother & wife. I risk putting myself in a bad position with things firing back at me if I don't know for sure at that point that we're all on the same page. I guess that's all I can do for now, right?
Ariadne Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 I guess that's all I can do for now, right? No, Just put a sign on the door that says "do not disturb" or something like that, and tell the children that when that sign is on you are kissing each other and not to disturb, that you'll see them later. Children understand. I don't know why people can't talk to each other anymore.
Author prettybaby Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 To be honest I'm doing all the talking. They just don't really discuss issues in detail in his family. Apparently they DID tell them clearly that they're sick of them leaving without their kids all the time, but I don't think it went any further than that. They clearly expressed their frustration, but it's never triggered an actual conversation. Since the 4 of us are stuck with the kids, I feel like we need to at least talk about it amongst the 4 of us and agree on rules about when they can come over to my boyfriend's place and when they can't. We're not gonna put "don't disturb" signs at his doors, it shouldn't even get to that point is what I'm saying. Besides, we don't want the whole neighborhood to see when we're sexing it up as if his whole house was a freaking hotel room lol
sb129 Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 My MIL has this problem with my Hs stepsister, she dumps her kids there all the time, because she assumes that because MIL and step FIL are retired, they have nothing to do all day. I have said to MIL that she needs to put her foot down and start saying "no"- things like when she turns up with the kids, to say "Oh, what a shame, we were just going out, or we have tickets to x,y, z tonight, so we can't have them" Hs step sis tried to pull it on us when she was recently in town and I told her it just wasn't a good time for us to have her and the kids to stay. (Not least because H can't stand her and she was only using us so she didn't have to pay for a motel) She got the message.
sb129 Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 As an aside- I have a daughter and we have no family living where we live, while I would LOVE to have a free sitter more often, I would never abuse the fact, I would hate for everyone in the family to be talking about me like this.
Ariadne Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 we don't want the whole neighborhood to see when we're sexing it up as if his whole house was a freaking hotel room lol Ok, figure out a way then.
Ariadne Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 As an aside- I have a daughter and we have no family living where we live, while I would LOVE to have a free sitter more often, I would never abuse the fact, I would hate for everyone in the family to be talking about me like this. People complain and these are the most special moments for the grandparents. Then time goes by and they never get to see them.
Angel1111 Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 The only thing his parents have to do is say, 'We can't keep the kids today. Sorry.' I'm not sure which part of that is difficult to understand.
sb129 Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 People complain and these are the most special moments for the grandparents. Then time goes by and they never get to see them. I am happy for my daughters grandparents to see our daughter as often as they want- but I wouldn't want to be dumping her on them every 5 minutes. They have made it clear with step SILs kids that they don't appreciate being used as a free daycare centre. Grandparents have lives too!
brainygirl Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Op, I am wondering if this really is every one's issue or just yours? Maybe YOU need to have a talk with the BF about what YOU consider to be appropriate and inappropriate with regards to childcare on date weekends?
Ariadne Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 They have made it clear with step SILs kids that they don't appreciate being used as a free daycare centre. Grandparents have lives too! Yes, but this is not your problem. In the case of prettybaby, she can tell the kids not to go to her house or something like that.
Author prettybaby Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 The problem that my boyfriend's parents have is that everybody in the family knows that it's never a bad time to stop by, because they are literally home 24/7 ever since someone broke into their house. They do go out for groceries and stuff once a week, but that's it. I feel like those poor people are too honest and just cannot lie and say "sorry, we have plans" when obviously they don't. My boyfriend has already managed to cut down his part of the babysitting job a lot. Because from what I heard, they used to dump the kids on him every Saturday night so they could go out. That really pissed me off when I first heard that because he was the single one who needed to go out more! Not them! When we started dating, we weren't home a lot so they stopped asking him directly. But the past few months, we've actually started being home a little more because his schedule got so crazy we decided we'd spend our time together relaxing in the sofa or in bed or whatever instead of going out. So now we're actually there when the kids try to sneak over while at the grandparents house. I'm guessing maybe they did the same before, but we just weren't home to notice. Anyway, I'm getting fed up. At least he and I are on the same page, so that's good. I just feel like we should have a talk with the grandparents and tell them we either all stick together and put our foot down, or my boyfriend and I will have to set clearer limits for ourselves.
Author prettybaby Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 Op, I am wondering if this really is every one's issue or just yours? Maybe YOU need to have a talk with the BF about what YOU consider to be appropriate and inappropriate with regards to childcare on date weekends? Yeah, we had a long talk about it today. But we haven't decided about any clear solution yet. Basically I expressed my frustration and asked him how he feels about it, which also lead him to tell me about how his parents feel and how all of them have already tried to make it clear to the brother & his wife. I told him that, clearly, it's not working. So they need to figure out a better strategy. At this point, I think if his parents can't put their foot down, then it's their problem. But we're gonna have to put our foot down and set our boundaries. They all need to realize that he's with someone now, and there are limits to respect.
D-Lish Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 My bro and his wife are stressed to the limit with regard to their 2 young boys and their jobs/life. My bro works days 7am-4pm, and my sil works afternoons 5pm-2am. They struggle to make ends meet and spend time with their kids. Basically, my bro comes home from work, they spend half hour together as a family and my SIL goes off to work. She gets home at 2:30 am, and the house is silent while they sleep for a few hours before the kids get up and my bro gets up to head off to work- then my SIL is up after 4 hours sleep to be with the kids until my bro gets home from work. Tough times. It's a tough life. Their marriage is strained, they are both sleep deprived, and any spare time I can spend with the kids as their aunt helps out. Sometimes I feel put out- but it's my family, and I love my nephews. A part of me wants to say to my bro and his wife "hey, you guys asked for this, so deal with it!!"... Especially when the boys are acting up while I watch them. But wow, these are my nephews and I love them like crazy. I agree that you have to set boundaries with family- and it's annoying to have children inconvenience you when they aren't your children... I myself couldn't imagine ever being annoyed "enough" to turn away my nephews, ever. I can understand if I was dating a guy and he got annoyed by it, because it's not his family. I am not even a parent and I am going to say from observation- it's hard being a parent. Family support is really makes all the difference. Having said that- of course it's an issue when parents take advantage of family.... But it's a bounday issue- not a child protective services issue. The parents only need to say "no, we can't help out today". It's not the kid's fault, and it's too bad if they get caught in the middle.
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