tidal Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 Quick backstory: Been dating him for 4 years, do not live together, we are in our late 20's. A year ago, coming back from a club, he was very very drunk in the passenger seat, I was driving and his two friends were in the back. I wanted to pull off at a rest area to eat and he didn't. I started to up the ramp and he lunged at me putting his hands around my neck and started shaking me. We immediately broke up. He claims he was so drunk he does not remember doing that at all, as though he blacked out. We continued hanging out and slowly began dating again; he has controlled his drinking and hasn't drank pretty much at all since then. Last weekend, we were arguing in the car for a while when I became very frustrated and yelled very loud at him. He punched me in the arm (it didn't hurt, but was definitely out of anger) then threw his iPhone at my dashboard so hard that the plastic broke & shattered. We had a very very long talk after, in which I learned another story... After two years of dating his exgirlfriend, they were arguing in the car (he was driving) when he lashed out at her by pushing her rather forcefully into the car door. They immediately broke up. The way he explains it is that when he is angry/being yelled at, he just needs something to take his anger out on and in the car he feels trapped and behaves in that way. He knows it isn't right but feels uncontrollably angry at that time. Now, I know I should not have been yelling at him like that either. But of course, I should not be touched in anyway no matter what! It almost seems we are a bad match because if we continue dating, I probably will get angry and yell at him again, which would result in him overreacting. So, here's my question: Other than breaking up (which is pretty inevitable at this point), is his behavior "fixable"? Is it something counseling/anger management/anything could help him control? Would individual be better than couples? Are we just a bad match? We both had bad childhoods and he has been to counseling before and said "they didn't help" but I am pretty much at the point where I do not want to continue the relationship unless he goes. Aside from this really bad thing, everything else is absolutely perfect! Really! Except this one crazy thing that happens once a year. I know it is bad enough to make me end the relationship, but it makes me really sad knowing that something so good has to end. I really really really love him and my heart physically hurts thinking of him not in my life. All advice is really appreciated!
SadGirl23 Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 I can't even read this. This is domestic abuse. How terrible! This isn't a relationship, you are about doomed to get knocked the hell out sooner or late. If it takes alcohol for him to be this way, he obviously has it in him. You need to get out of this relationship. Why are you making a excuses by explaining what he did to you, but then come back and say "It didn't hurt" or "It was because he was really angry" .. No excuses. You are in danger of getting hurt sooner or later. PLEASE GET OUT FOR GOOD!!!!!
Jane Doe Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 Run, don't walk, to the nearest exist of this relationship. Drunk or not, abused as a child or not, he makes CONSCIOUS decisions to assault you. Isn't your life worth more than that? Don't you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity? He's already shown you he's a repeat offender. If you hang around for more, you'll be getting what you ask for.
harmfulsweetz Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 It can only be fixed if he wants to fix it. Is he prepared to do that? I personally never by into the 'uncontrollable anger' bull, if it was a man of six foot seven, built like a boulder, I bet he'd control his anger. It's because he can get away with it with you. He knows you're not about to turn on him and knock him out, he knows you probably won't walk away. Why? Because you're there now aren't you? You haven't walked yet. You've sent the signal that it is perfectly acceptable for him to treat you such, when it isn't. If he was that bothered by his behavior he would have got help for it by now. He hasn't. He's just waiting for someone who will put up with it. As others have said, leave him. It's not an overreaction, it's assault. If you stay, it'll get worse as you've shown him he can get away with it. And the problem is, eventually no one will care to listen because you know what he is like, and you stayed.
Feelin Frisky Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 (edited) It's up to you if you want to risk this. But no one can change him--perhaps not even himself. I don't believe in "anger management". It's like saying one can out-speed one's feelings and apply sober rationale before deciding what to do in the heat of argument. Maybe it "appears" to work for some people but I would not be surprised if it only appears to work because they learn to avoid confrontation--but sometimes confrontation happens faster than one's ability to opt out in time. The only way we know how to sustainably change the chemistry of excessive fight or flight is with medicine that retunes the balance of neurotransmitters so that a person develops a new presence of mind he or she never knew how to apply before--in effect such a person becomes "normal" in the sense that there's new capacity to decide feelings rather than just "react" to being over-taken by them. If both partners in a relationship agree to leave no stone unturned in recovering from patterns of violent conflict, it is more possible today than ever to indeed achieve that recovery. The question is if you're not trying to say, save a marriage and haven't gone so far as to commit your life to each other, are you sure you want to take this on with this guy? He has to take charge of self change and there can't be any half-steps. And you will have to do your part in not being confrontational. If you're not willing to brave this then end it. I had the reverse where my g/f socked me in the eye. It brought me to slap her back and I never hit anyone before. I couldn't change who she was and she accepted no responsibility to change. It had to end. I did not accept violence. Edited October 10, 2010 by Feelin Frisky
Author tidal Posted October 12, 2010 Author Posted October 12, 2010 I want to thank all of you for taking your time to respond. It's difficult to swallow your replies but I know it is all true. Being inside of it, it is hard to tell sometimes if it is "really that bad". And of course I don't realize I am "making excuses for him", although I can see this when I go back and read what I wrote. I hate that I am in this situation and of course it hurts to end a long relationship. But I know that all of you have insight that I just cannot see right now and I have taken your advice. I appreciate your honesty.
broken19 Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Hi..so sorry to hear what you are going through. My ex relationship (broken up for three weeks now) is sort of similar. My ex used to hit himself and harm himself and I used to have to use all my strength (I am not a very tall or strong woman) to stop him from doing so. It's like he was possessed by a demon. At first it would not take much to calm him down but in the 9 months we were together he got worse. I stayed with him because I love him and also I felt he did not do it on purpose. I thought it is a mental illness (not sure what it is now as his doctors have not diagnosed him with anything). He never hit me but made me feel so low at times. I used to think it is my fault he became like that but he used to tell me he was like that even before he met me..just not so aggressive. I was his first relationship and he is a teenager and it just made it worse. My neighbours also called the cops one night as they thought he was hitting me but he was running around, hitting himself, screaming, swearing, foaming at his mouth and just ripping his clothes off. I never saw such vilolence but I tried my best to hold on to him just in case he went on the road and had an accident. I have chronic fatigue syndrome and a heart condition. Despite that I wanted to be with him (and as sick as it sounds some part of me still wants to be with him and help him but I am trying my best to get rid of those feelings). And he has been having therapy for about 5 months now. He has a lot to learn about how to grow up, how to not blame things in his life for these actions of his. There is a lot going on in his head and he needs a lot of work done but it depends if he wants to get better. I constantly used to break up with him as I could not bear to see him like that. he never hit me once but I knew if this carried on one day he might. Anyway, every time I decided to break up I could not get through with it as I really love him. My first love. Apart from his this problem, we had so many good times, dreams, wanted to grow old together, he proposed to me, trip to paris was on the way etc. This problem of his and some issues I had in my mind were the only things ruining this relationship. And one night I said to him I could not do this to both of us. I knew I wanted him and wanted to be with him but it was weird how something inside me just had enough and was telling me to break up with him and I did. But then I realised I could not and told him I did not want to but it was too late. He said he can't do this anymore. I know I blamed myself for putting him through so many break ups and maybe that's what I have to get over. He said he can't help feeling how he feels in his head and how he hits himself constantly. I told him he can have a break but he said he just wants to move on and for me to move on. he said he loves me so much that he cannot do this to me. I do believe him. I miss him so much and I thought if he loves me he will say that he needs a break and will get better and come back to me as I was the one for him. But I understand he does not want that pressure on himself and he does not want me to wait. I believe if we love each other as much as we feel we do he will get better one day. Whether he returns to me is another question but I can't hold on to that. And I cannot tell you if your BF will do that. The important thing is to recognise you have a problem and want help. My ex is very young but it will still take him a lot of years to grow up. If your BF can accept that he has problem let him deal with it on his own. I thought I could help him as I have a medical background and I have been helping him but he does not want me to do that. I respect all his decisions even though it hurts and I have not stopped crying for three weeks. But I want him to get well. Even if we are not together to know that he is better is what true love means. And I love him so much that I can do this. People have given you advice and I guess it is not what you want to hear but it is from experience we say this. Get out now before you get consumed by this. Yours is worse as he hits you. But I know you love him very much. We can't help it. let him go. It will be painful but if you make that decision it will be easier for you to move on. In my case it is harder as he chose to end this. It will hurt like hell but know that in years to come you will not have to go through the same things betatings again. Hope this helps:) take care
Angel1111 Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 These incidents are the beginning stages of an already abusive relationship. Even when he throws his phone at the dash, it's a threat of violence directed at you. Eventually, you'll stop yelling at him because he will have "taught" you that disagreeing with him is dangerous. To save you the suspense, no, it's not fixable, and 'but I love him' isn't a good enough reason to stay. I strongly recommend that you read the book by Lundy Bancroft entitled, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" and then you'll understand the person that you're dealing with.
Capthxc Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Doesnt matter if he was drunk or not. I'm a violent drunk myself and i would never get physically aggressive towards the one i love, even if i found her sleeping with with a random dude in my bed. Saying he doesnt remember is just an excuse. It was bound to happen sooner or later.
Author tidal Posted October 17, 2010 Author Posted October 17, 2010 I strongly recommend that you read the book by Lundy Bancroft entitled, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" and then you'll understand the person that you're dealing with. Thank you for this recommendation! I bought it and started reading it last night. Wish I had read it years ago.
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