ARL Posted February 29, 2004 Posted February 29, 2004 I wasn't sure if everyone read posts from every topic, so if you've already read this, no need to respond... Here goes... Fiance's from FL, we live in NY. His sister's best friend is also very tight with him and have known each other since HS (he's 30). They had crushes on each other and tried to date but realized they were "too much like family". Still, on family outings, they would share the same bed and "nothing ever happened". I was skeptical at first but he assured me I had nothing to worry about. March 2002 we fly down for a b-day party and they spend the whole day together leaving me and OUR daughter sitting around like fools. My suspicions were brought back to life and that night I told him if I'm wasting my time with him, let me know so I could go home and send his stuff back. Now he knows I don't really like her. So, She flys to NY to visit her "man" but spends most of the time at our house. We went out one night with my cousin and his girlfriend and even they were surprised at how close they looked and I was looking and feeling like the third wheel. We fly down to FL again for Easter 2003 and at a club with her and another friend, I told him that feelings have not changed and again, he reassured me that nothing was amiss. I came home before him because of work and that Saturday morning I couldn't get a hold of him. After 15 calls, I got "her" number and when I called her house HE answered the phone. He said that after a night of clubbing and drinking it was too late to go back to his mother's house so him and a friend stayed at her house. Meanwhile the night before he wasn't feeling well and said he was just going to chilli's with his sister and her husband. I was ENRAGED...but he thought I was over-reacting. I was so upset I was ready to tell him to just stay in FL and to have a nice life with her. But I cooled down and basically told him there should not be a next time and if there is, I'm out. Our next trip was December 2003. He left Thursday and I was leaving Monday with our daughter. That same night he got there, they all went out. The next morning, I couldn't find him. I had to bother his sister on the job (she's a teacher) to find out that AGAIN, he slept at her house. He didn't think he did anything wrong. Again, he figured since they were out late drinking and it was a bunch of them, they could all crash at her house. There was no excuse for him not going home that night because this time he was staying at his sister's house and HAD THE KEYS TO GET IN! I went off this time leaving nothing untold of how I felt about the whole situation and threatned to not even get on the plane and spend the holidays with my family in NY. And again, I was accused of over-reacting and being "silly". A few hours later, SHE calls me on my cell phone because "she felt bad about what happened between me and him and she doesn't want me to feel like I can't trust them because they all see her as one of the guys", and that she knew I was coming on Monday and she didn't want things to be awkward...that she understands where I'm coming from because she's felt like that before in previous relationships. Whatever. I said it was a little too late for all of that and let her know just how pissed I was and that I thought she was just as disrespectful as he was. And she tried to say that "she never meant to disrespect me". What made it even worse is they BOTH knew that he could've gone home that night... Funny because whenever he goes to Florida they're together almost all the time. This time around, she was hardly in the picture. This woman is 30 years old, can never keep a man because she likes to go clubbin with all of her other male friends, and most (if not all) of her female friends are hoes (I know that for a fact because I seen it for myself). We argue about this woman and their close relationship a lot because he TRULY feels like there's nothing wrong with how they are with each other and acts like he just doesn't want to let her go...it seems like he needs her in his life because he constantly tells me, "I love her like a sister and you want me to just stop talking to her...". I told him after the night with my cousin that I won't ever ask him to do that because I have dear friends that I couldn't just cut out...but at this point with all the crap that's gone on, I would love nothing more than to not see her ever again. I just don't think it's right ESPECIALLY when I get the feeling that everyone who's close to him (family and friends) know that they have some kind of history. And whether or not it was short lived, the fact still remains that they had huge crushes on each other and have dated. Everyone around them knows what's up and that's one reason why I feel like I"m being played like a jackass. His sister understands where I'm coming from, and every other woman I speak to about this feels the same way. Why can't he see where I'M coming from... I try not to talk to any male figures in my life about this because so far they all say the same thing, "yup...he's hittin that!" I need advice from any if not all of you. If you've been in this situation tell me how it panned out, if you agree, disagree...please. We're supposed to be moving to Florida for good and I really feel like this is going to be an ongoing problem if she's constantly around and I'm afraid that could potentially ruin our marriage (we're supposed to be getting married this August)
moimeme Posted February 29, 2004 Posted February 29, 2004 Do not marry this man. That he is compelled to be with her means that, whether or not he acknowledges it to you or even himself, he has strong feelings for her. This is no way to conduct a relationship. You will not be able to fight his compulsion to be with her. If you move to Florida, you will only get more of the same, and you will get it constantly. He's hooked on her. He may love you, too, but he's hooked on her. You need to face facts. This marriage will be a disaster. Do NOT believe what he says; observe his actions. They tell you the truth, which is that he cannot stay away from her.
Skittles Posted February 29, 2004 Posted February 29, 2004 "I love her like a sister and you want me to just stop talking to her hah!...my brother never loved me like that... Where there is smoke, there is fire and I agree with moi, your fiance is addicted to this woman.. We have had many discussions about "emotional affairs" at this forum, and imo your man is full-tilt -boogie into one with his "sister". Whether they are FWB's or she band-aids some fear of intimacy thing, he will make your life miserable and your self-esteem will erode... Please, take it from me, I had one of these boyfriends with his " just- like- a -sister " song and dance and it turned out to be FWB whenever she pulled into port! These things are hard to prove , which makes it even more maddening.. D-U-M-P H-I-M
UCFKevin Posted February 29, 2004 Posted February 29, 2004 Generally when there's someone else that's like a brother or sister, in reality, one at least one side, there is more than that, more feelings than just platonic love. Whether he's screwing around or not, he's being disrespectful, and who knows what the future would bring? Do you really wanna stick around and find out? Screw that. Life's too short to have s*** like this happen to us.
EnigmaXOXO Posted February 29, 2004 Posted February 29, 2004 I'm with everyone else on this one, ARL. Do not marry this man. He won't change a thing after you're married if he's not willing to make some compromises now. I think you've already shown him that your bark is bigger than your bite. If you keep delivering ultimatums without ever following through, he has no reason to ever take you serious. Let his sister take care of him. They can remain alone and single together forever. A wife deserves much better. Dump this sophomoric loser and go find yourself a grownup!
Girlie Posted March 1, 2004 Posted March 1, 2004 You're man sounds clueless. Sorry, but I have a best friend who is a guy and who is engaged and he would NEVER ignore his fiancee when I'm around or stay the night at my house or do ANYthing that would make her uncomfortable. And I wouldn't want him to. He's found the perfect woman for him and that's not something I would ever get in the way of and I would hope he wouldn't be stupid enough to screw up. It's very possible that their feelings are platonic. I may be in the minority, but I do believe you can have brother/sister type relationships with the opposite sex outside of blood relations and have had them. However, I do NOT act like this woman does with my brothers or the guys who I am just friends with. I don't think either of them is behaving appropriately especially in light of your feelings.
jenny Posted March 1, 2004 Posted March 1, 2004 agree with above. worst case scenario: he's a liar. best case scenario: he's a moron. either way, not a canidate that you want to settle for. do you really want to live your life with this kind of uncertainty and this kind of drama? don't you deserve better than this kind of juvenile horse$hit? really re-read what you wrote. your answer is already there. this is not what men do; this is what boys do. if you marry this man, you are knowingly making a victim of yourself.
Kat Posted March 1, 2004 Posted March 1, 2004 This isn't a nice situation to be in, but I am sorry, if I was you I would let him loose. He is nothing but trouble and will never let her go.
Skittles Posted March 1, 2004 Posted March 1, 2004 worst case scenario: he's a liar. best case scenario: he's a moron. jenny, I so appreciate your ability to identify and quantify!............... Arl I hope these posts are all the convincing you need.
Author ARL Posted March 1, 2004 Author Posted March 1, 2004 I thank you guys for all of your feedback. It's a shame that I had to turn to strangers for advice on this one. But after all of the altercations we've had about this I can finally show him how others feel as well. Although in the end, it shouldn't matter how others feel, he's just that "tunnel-visioned" about the whole thing. Thanks...I'll be sure to keep you posted.
UCFKevin Posted March 1, 2004 Posted March 1, 2004 Strangers are unbiased. Best way to get an honest answer.
moimeme Posted March 1, 2004 Posted March 1, 2004 ARL - you seem to think that showing him what others think will change his behaviour. The point is that it will not. He is ADDICTED to this person. You can expect that he'll tell you he won't see her as much, but then he will continue his behaviour exactly as before. You somehow think that handing him our posts will change him. Not gonna happen, girl. Wake up and smell the disaster brewing.
Bronzepen Posted March 1, 2004 Posted March 1, 2004 Sounds like he does'nt have his priorities in order. He is way too involved with that woman. Stay in NY.
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