thatsonlyme Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 I had a great day today, went with my friend to the bar, we had brunch, went shopping then we just sat at her home and talked. She's married to my good friend but she's got some girl friends and she'll try to hook me up. After that I went out all alone, so I went to this bar where I used to hang out with her. I figured she's not gonna be there because it's saturday night and she'll be clubbing. That was pretty much the only place I used to hang out lately as I wasn't going out much. When I arrived the bartender who I know was standing in front and few of her co-workers smoking. So I said Hi and we started talking. Her co-workers went back inside but this random guy came out of the bar and asked for a cigarette. I started smoking after breakup and it seems like a great way to socialize So we were just standing in front and talking and I was just about to get in when she showed up, said hi to the bartender and entered the bar! She obviously didn't see me because she approached from behind. So I stood there for a minute or so and left pissed! WTF she's always in my way? Why I feel obligated to avoid certain places and people because of her? she can go wherever she wants and I have to set boundaries for myself even though I did nothing wrong! Is it normal to think this way? Is it just dumpee mentality? Seeing her doesn't bother me so I don't know why I'm thinking this way. Why dumpees care more about avoiding their exes than dumpers? How can I learn to live my life without thinking about her whereabouts, because she's obviously not thinking about me at all. And I keep bumping into her all the time! This city has over 3 million people, how's that even remotely possible?
stoploss11 Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 Don't avoid places that you go to, or places that make you smile. It will only make you weaker and suffer more. i think when you go out of your way to hide and avoid the healing will be slower. I recently thought the same and i work with my "situation". I was so hurt everytime I saw her I wanted a look or a smile form her, I decided to lower my chair all the wy down so I couldnt see her if she walked down the hall or so i didnt look up and everyone that passed. But after 2 weeks, i was hurtin more, more curious, my work was affected other people were like what s wrong with you...etc Not to mention my back was killing me. Now I don't go out of my way to see her, if I pass her I smile and keep on trucking. One day if her pain and suffering of her situation pass, maybe we'll get sorted as well. But I can't change parts of my life becasue of her, and neither should you. A month ago I almost put in my 2 weeks becasue it was so painful to see her sad and stressed and zombie like and want to be there for her and her not want any help. But i didnt, and got a promotion 2 weeks later...
skydiveaddict Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 I'm not so sure I agree. How did it make you feel seeing her? I know I wouldn't have liked it. You're not being weak by avoiding her and her hangouts. Go find somewhere else to go, something else to do. Give yourself a chance to heal up. I know you weren't expecting to see her there, but from now on (for the time being anyway), go where you KNOW you won't see her. That way you can have a good time, relax and have some fun.
Author thatsonlyme Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 I guess you're right but I still keep thinking about stupid things. Like what if I get there with a girl friend and someone tells her that, she'll think I'm trying to make her jealous and I'll look pathetic in her eyes. We're on good terms now but honestly I don't think it will last long. We still have unfinished business and after that I might just go NC all the way. I don't really care about her that much anymore but seeing her so happy and living her life like nothing happened bothers me because my life is still hell! I'm struggling making new friends, I have to go out alone often because I have nobody to go with, I need a girlfriend and more than anything I need sex! I don't need her, but seeing her having all this while I have nothing is really making me mad because she doesn't deserve it!
Author thatsonlyme Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 I'm not so sure I agree. How did it make you feel seeing her? I know I wouldn't have liked it. You're not being weak by avoiding her and her hangouts. Go find somewhere else to go, something else to do. Give yourself a chance to heal up. I know you weren't expecting to see her there, but from now on (for the time being anyway), go where you KNOW you won't see her. That way you can have a good time, relax and have some fun. It's hard to avoid her because she's all over the place! and I don't really have that many options because of lack of friends and going places alone is kinda depressing. I saw her the other day, even gave her a ride and in general she's acting fine towards me. I don't have problem seeing her or talking to her I feel no attraction anymore, but I hate seeing her being so happy, she has places to go, friends to hang out with and I have none of that! If I was only smarter and tried to maintain my social life instead of spending all my time on her I wouldn't give a s**t! Normal people keep their friends and it makes it easier to move on but I was a fool! One friend told me that her husband was wondering before why I would never go with him to hang out! I dedicated 5 years entirely to her and now I feel abandoned and alone. I swear I will never make the same mistake again. Now it could take years to rebuild my social life while she kept hers all the time! She is 5 years ahead of me now and that's a long time. I think I hate her now and I'm living for the day to see her all broken up and in tears. I know this is wrong but that's how I feel.
The-Zen-Warrior Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 thatsonlyme : I kind of know what your going through, granted in my case, it's been like 2.5 years since anything like this has happened. My divorce was officially finalized 2.5 years ago, shortly there after, due to being a creature of habit, I started to get out there again, mainly hanging out at my ex-wife's and my old places. One night, while enjoying a nice dinner alone at what used to be one of our favorite restaurants, she arrived with the man that replaced me. She didn't see me at first, it was like 20 minutes into their stay, then my ex-wife was glancing across the place and spotted me. I felt that burning white hot feeling in my guts that made me think...."oh sh*t not this"! But at that moment of feeling very uncomfortable and wanting to pay my bill and jet out of there, I told myself, "Zen you have just as much right to be here as your ex-wife does"! So after about 10 minutes of regaining my composure, I ate the rest of my meal, stood up and didn't even bother looking in my ex-wifes direction, I just paid my bill, and left. But I know what you mean that our ex's have a funny way of showing up when you least expect them. It's happened maybe a total of 2-3 times in the past 2.5 years, strange when it happens!
Author thatsonlyme Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 Familiar places make us feel more comfortable, I know how you feel. I bet seeing you alone gave her an ago boost: "look at that looser, he's still alone and I'm having fun with someone else" I don't want to give her that. If I could show up there with the hottest girl in town I would definitely do it.
swfc_77 Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 im going through the same thing here, my and my ex met through a bunch of friends. we were all good friends, she lived with me for 18 months and then left me for some 1 else. just dropped me, my family and my efforts. we got back together after he turned out to be a bit mental, and 2 months later she dropped me AGAIN. situation now is i dont go out much because all of my old "friends" go clubbing every weekend with her and her pals. i see her facebook and there's no evidence that she was even with me. i tried my best for her and it wasn't good enough and i think about her a lot (she only lives 1 mile up the road) but i feel used and rejected, like someones come into my life taken the good stuff and walked away. to do this once to me was hard but she has done it again which is worse, anyway thatsonlyme i know what your going through just take each day as it comes.
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