chelle21689 Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 My bf and I have been together for 5 years since we were 16. We've been long distance for 2 years and he joined the Army Reserve a year and half ago. We talked about marriage seriously for the first time today and I found out that he is unsure whether he ever wants to be married or not. This in a way surprised me cuz he used to talk about how he would have his wedding, how he'd propose, etc. He said he hasn't seriously thought about marriage and he had no idea how important it was to me when I got upset. I don't plan to be married for another 5-8 years...after I'm 25. He wants a kid when he is able to support a family. What the heck right? I'm not having his baby purposely if I'm not getting married. It's easy to tell someone to break up because they are unsure about marriage..but it's hard to do. I mean, that's years from now...I think anything could happen. Should I just wait? I honestly do believe he is unsure because I know he tells me the truth even when it hurts.
that girl Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 This is a tough one. If he was 25 and wasn't sure if he would ever get married, I would say you should dump him if you want to get married. 21/22 is pretty young to know whether or not you want to get married. But I do think it is strange that he wants a baby but doesn't want to get married. Getting married is a serious committment, but once you have a kid with someone, they are never out of your life. I don't think you have to make a decision now, but I think this is a topic you should revisit at some point in the next year. Even if neither of you want to get married until you are 25+, if that is going to happen I think he would have consider marriage something he wanted well before that would happen.
Author chelle21689 Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 Yeah, it's a looong time from now I guess. Anything can change. It just sucks kinda...but at the same time I'm happy we talked about it. Now I know what to expect and kind of prepare myself for him to not want to marry. Now he knows it's important to me one day. If he is planning to stay in the military, it's kind of necessary to get married lol. I'm just glad he isn't opposed to marriage and didn't say "never". *sigh*
amerikajin Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 Personally, although I know it's not what you wanted to hear, I commend your boyfriend for having the integrity to tell you where things stand. It would be easy to feel pressured into saying something he doesn't really believe. Seems like your boyfriend is assessing the situation and thinking about marriage and his life in a prudent manner. Marriage isn't something you just do when you love your partner; you have to be mentally ready for it, and there are stages in people's lives when they might not be able to handle it. That said, marriage is important to you. If that's what you want, it's what you want. I think the thing you have to do in any relationship is compromise. Communicate and work things out together.
Author chelle21689 Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 I wonder if it's b/c he's unsure about me and/or unsure about his own life and his direction. I just don't want it to be one of those stories where you date a guy for years, break up, and then bam! He marries the girl he's been with for less than a year. 1
amerikajin Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 I wonder if it's b/c he's unsure about me and/or unsure about his own life and his direction. I just don't want it to be one of those stories where you date a guy for years, break up, and then bam! He marries the girl he's been with for less than a year. Yeah, I can see what you're saying. If it were me, I would just try to enjoy the time that I have with someone. You're young. You both have time.
True Love Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 When is a good time to get married? I thought 18 months is the standard time to be engaged?
Author chelle21689 Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 18 months? I think it depends on your age. Right now at age 21, I don't want to be married even if I've been with him for 5 years.
Lauriebell82 Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 I think you should just wait. You guys are so young, you still have plenty of time. It took my husband a long time to realize he was ready to get married but he came around. Your boyfriend may too.
BlackLovely Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 My bf and I have been together for 5 years since we were 16. We've been long distance for 2 years and he joined the Army Reserve a year and half ago. We talked about marriage seriously for the first time today and I found out that he is unsure whether he ever wants to be married or not. This in a way surprised me cuz he used to talk about how he would have his wedding, how he'd propose, etc. He said he hasn't seriously thought about marriage and he had no idea how important it was to me when I got upset. I don't plan to be married for another 5-8 years...after I'm 25. He wants a kid when he is able to support a family. What the heck right? I'm not having his baby purposely if I'm not getting married. It's easy to tell someone to break up because they are unsure about marriage..but it's hard to do. I mean, that's years from now...I think anything could happen. Should I just wait? I honestly do believe he is unsure because I know he tells me the truth even when it hurts. Your boyfriend may have just been telling you, what he believed you wanted to hear. Now he is being honest, which is a good thing for the relationship. If you don't plan on being married for at least another five years, you can afford to wait. I agree with LB82 that he may come around and also that you are very young. Lovey, marriage is not just about the dress and the wedding. It is a lot of hard work and sacrifice. Don't be in a hurry to take on such big responsibilities; enjoy your youth and your independence. My husband was a commitment phobe when we met. As I fell in love with him, I was honest about wanting to be his wife when the time was right. I had to firmly set boundaries, after he begged me to take him back the second time we broke up: "I love you and I want to be married to you someday. However, if you choose to be immature about commitment, I will not waste any more of my time. I will NOT play the on again, off again game with you or any other man. If you never want to be married, now is the time to tell me, so that I can move on and find happiness."
Thierro Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 I think it’s ridiculous that if someone doesn’t want to get married it can be a deal breaker. Not wanting to get married doesn’t mean someone doesn’t love you. Why do people want to get married that bad? It doesn’t give you certainty that your man/woman will stay. It’s not some kind of contract that can keep it all together. Distrust, anyone..?
Lauriebell82 Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 I think it’s ridiculous that if someone doesn’t want to get married it can be a deal breaker. Not wanting to get married doesn’t mean someone doesn’t love you. Why do people want to get married that bad? It doesn’t give you certainty that your man/woman will stay. It’s not some kind of contract that can keep it all together. Distrust, anyone..? It's true that it's not a contract, but it IS special committment, one like no other. I know some take marriage for granted, but there are those out there that plan to be true to their vows. Plus a lot of people are old fashioned/traditional (like me) and want to have a family only in wedlock.
TheLoveAdvisor Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Shake it up! The only way to truly know if he really wants to marry you is to set him free! Tell him you desire to get married someday, you have plans you want to fullfill... You have invested 5 years with him, and its time you need some space... I didn't want to marry, I was 23, we dated 6 years before she told me she wanted space... I then found out she found another man! I freaked out realizing what I had, and then lost cause I didn't wanna get married! She came back to me on her own, however I thought I lost her so I didn't keep contact with her... When I saw her on my front porch at midnight waiting for me, I was soooooo happy! I was sooooo in love with her! I wanted to marry her sooooo badly.... She set me free, and I had time to figure out what was more important, her or being single... I quickly realized I wanted her, in my life, forever! She was telling me in a nice way that she needed space, but in reality she was searching for a man that would marry her, when she found that man, I realized I really loved her all along, and needed her, wanted her.... She gave me the choice by going away, if I truly loved her I would chase her again, but for some reason she came back to me without the chase, but it opened my eyes to what I could have lost.... See, if your man is comfortable, has all he needs, he wont get married, but if you take away what he loves, he will surly open his eyes, or if he doesn't it will tell you the truth that he really doesn't love you and you can never change that, nor do you wanna be married to somebody that truly doesn't love you! You would be surprised at how many men that are married didn't want to get married, usually when you do something that creates a bit of jealousy, love will come out, or the opposte...Men are sissies when it comes to marriage... You gotta shake it up a bit!
allina Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 it IS special committment, one like no other. I know some take marriage for granted, but there are those out there that plan to be true to their vows. Plus a lot of people are old fashioned/traditional (like me) and want to have a family only in wedlock. I agree with this. It is not "just a piece of paper" to me. Also, no way would I have a child out of wedlock. Further, I'm a pretty desirable woman who is worthy of being a wife not a baby mamma/gf of 10 years :laugh: 1
Lauriebell82 Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Shake it up! The only way to truly know if he really wants to marry you is to set him free! Tell him you desire to get married someday, you have plans you want to fullfill... You have invested 5 years with him, and its time you need some space... I didn't want to marry, I was 23, we dated 6 years before she told me she wanted space... I then found out she found another man! I freaked out realizing what I had, and then lost cause I didn't wanna get married! She came back to me on her own, however I thought I lost her so I didn't keep contact with her... When I saw her on my front porch at midnight waiting for me, I was soooooo happy! I was sooooo in love with her! I wanted to marry her sooooo badly.... She set me free, and I had time to figure out what was more important, her or being single... I quickly realized I wanted her, in my life, forever! She was telling me in a nice way that she needed space, but in reality she was searching for a man that would marry her, when she found that man, I realized I really loved her all along, and needed her, wanted her.... She gave me the choice by going away, if I truly loved her I would chase her again, but for some reason she came back to me without the chase, but it opened my eyes to what I could have lost.... See, if your man is comfortable, has all he needs, he wont get married, but if you take away what he loves, he will surly open his eyes, or if he doesn't it will tell you the truth that he really doesn't love you and you can never change that, nor do you wanna be married to somebody that truly doesn't love you! You would be surprised at how many men that are married didn't want to get married, usually when you do something that creates a bit of jealousy, love will come out, or the opposte...Men are sissies when it comes to marriage... You gotta shake it up a bit! That sounds like some sort of game. I don't know if it applies to the OP's situation either, as she doesn't want to get married for quite some time (5+ years). It's possible her boyfriend will come around without tests and games.
BlackLovely Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 I agree with this. It is not "just a piece of paper" to me. Also, no way would I have a child out of wedlock. Further, I'm a pretty desirable woman who is worthy of being a wife not a baby mamma/gf of 10 years :laugh: When I was engaged, I ran into a lot of people who said marriage was just a piece of paper. I also ran into women who were quick to tell me that all men were dogs. People who are quick to bash marriage are usually embittered and SINGLE. Most have never married, so they have no idea what they are talking about. It's just an insult to make themselves feel better about being lonely or to justify having several kids out of wedlock. If my husband and I weren't childfree, I would have only given him a child after we were married. I've seen too many women give men children, only to wait years for a commitment that never comes. So sad. Nice to see you again, Allina.
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