Hi, I'm new! Considering ending my inter-continental LDR... any thoughts?

[la vie est belle]

Hi everyone, I've been lurking but finally decided to register!

 

Oh man, where to start...?

 

I managed to fall in love with a charming Frenchman when I spent last year studying abroad in Paris. How romantique, non? We met in October, started dating in January, and we spent 2 months living in the same city until he had to move two hours north of Paris. So I guess that's when the long distance started. For the next 3 months, until I had to move back to the states, we spent all of our weekends together. So in sum, I've now known him for a year, and we've been dating for 9 months.

 

The 5 months we were able to spend together in France were sooo amazing... I think it's every girl's dream studying in Paris to meet a handsome local and fall in love lol. He's from the beautiful French countryside, so we would go there often to see his family. He comes from a close-knit family... I really love his family, and they're quite fond of me (from what he tells me anyway).

 

Just to give you an idea of how we spent our time together, he would take me on his motorcycle through the French countryside, he took me wine tasting, we'd do outdoorsy stuff all the time together like wakeboarding and waterskiing, he took me all over France... and even took me to Belgium one time. Needless to say all my American friends back in Paris were very jealous lol. I was living a dream. I am also very aware that this is all part of the "honeymoon period."

 

So then in June, I had to go back to the US for an internship in DC, otherwise I'm sure I would have stayed in France all summer. I spent the first month there lost and confused. This was a combination of reverse culture shock, leaving all my friends, leaving my beau, starting a scary new job, and being in a city I didn't know very well without knowing anyone.

 

Due to the circumstances of my job in DC, my living situation, him finishing up his job and degree, and a 6 hour time difference, we had a lot of trouble communicating for the 2 months I was in DC. We both have Blackberry messenger, so we were able to keep in touch mostly through that, and he would sometimes write me e-mails and call me when he could (usually like 3x a week).

 

It was ok though, the lack of communication didn't bother me too much because 1.) he decided to come visit me as soon as I got back to L.A. in August, so I had that to look forward to, and 2.) I knew that my time in DC was only temporary, so I could live with the sporadic communication until we were able to see each other again haha.

 

So, the day I arrive back in L.A., he arrives 7 hours later lol. He got to meet all of my family, and I got to show him my life here (which is really important because I knew everything about his life but he knew NOTHING about mine lol). I spent the first week showing him around California, and the 2nd week we spent back in L.A. We spent most of our time doing fun exciting stuff just like when we were in France...

 

Anyway, it's been a month and a half since he left, and since then I've been super busy and stressed finishing my last semester at school. Since he got back, he graduated, moved, and started a new job (he has not spent more than 1 week in the same place since then because of his moving and training for his job). Because of his crazy schedule since he got back, we've had WAY more trouble communicating than when I was in DC. Because he moved, he had no phone line to call me (he used to be able to call for free). His computer crapped out, so we haven't been able to Skype. Blackberry messenger just hasn't been cutting it and I find myself constantly frustrated. I know that until he's able to settle down these circumstances are only temporary... but THAT's what I'm worried about... he won't be able to settle down...

 

His new job requires him to relocate, internationally, every 3 weeks to 3 months. He hasn't left France yet, he's still in training, but he's supposed to be shipped off somewhere sometime this month. This means we won't even have Blackberry messenger anymore. The less we're able to communicate, the more negative thoughts I have about how bad it'll be when he actually gets shipped off somewhere.

 

I've never expressed my negative thoughts to him, because he's so positive about it and is so excited about this job that I don't want to piss on his parade, even if it sucks for us, I'd rather have him be happy. It's a great job... his whole salary will be pocket money because the company pays for everything. There's also no point in talking about it because he doesn't know where he's going or what the job will be like yet.

 

As of now, because of his an my schedules, we're only able to talk once a week on the weekends (on Skype), and chat sporadically during the week through the Blackberry... but we decided to cut down on the Blackberry for reasons that are too complicated to explain now lol. I don't know how long the relationship can last under these circumstances, and I'm worried it'll only get worse when he goes abroad.

 

I'm mainly worried because I'm scared they'll send him somewhere where he won't be able to access internet easily, or where he won't be able to phone me easily... or that he'll love his new job so much he'll just forget about me lol. Obviously there's nothing I can do to control that, so if that happens, it happens... but if he decides he still wants to be with me, and we're hardly able to communicate, I don't know if I can deal with that.

 

However, his feelings about it are totally opposite to mine... he says things along the lines of... "I hope they send me to the US," "I'll have so much money to buy plane tickets," "Maybe you'll be able to visit me," etc, etc.

 

The reason I'm considering ending it is because until now it has just been SO hard, and if it stays like this, or gets worse, I don't know if I can handle it... I think I could deal with it if we knew when we would see each other next, but we just don't know anything... and it's really hard.

 

I love him and I don't want to lose him, but I don't know how to sustain a relationship where we can hardly communicate and where the future is so ambiguous...

 

I know I should just wait until I find out more about his job, but I can't stand the thought of it getting even worse than this and having to end it under those circumstances... should I quit while I'm ahead?

 

Wow, I'm SO sorry about such a long post... sometimes you just need to let it all out, you know? haha. I appreciate your thoughts on this...

Edited October 10, 2010 by la vie est belle

[aerogurl87]

I'd wait things out, see where he gets sent. Who knows he may get sent to L.A and then you'll really be kicking yourself.

[la vie est belle]

I'd wait things out, see where he gets sent. Who knows he may get sent to L.A and then you'll really be kicking yourself.

 

Haha, for sure. I'm pretty sure he won't even get sent to the US though. Mainly developing countries due to the nature of the job. Never know though...

 

I just re-read my first post and realized how ridiculously difficult it is to read. Got a little carried away lol.

 

I want to cut out a lot of stuff to make it easier to read... know how to do this by any chance? It won't let me edit anymore.

[folieadeux]

I agree with Aero and would wait it out. It won't be easy, but it seems like you both are committed to making things work the best you can in the meantime.

[chelle21689]

lol, just reading your post was like one of those "stories" from the movies haha!

[Idalis]

First off, what a cute story

I understand where you're coming from. And I think your SO has been pretty good at setting your mind at ease about the future, which is good. I know it can get frustrating but maybe you should wait, at least until his job training is over, and see where that leads.

 

In my LDR I also like to know the next meet up date. It just makes me happy to know that we have plans. We both have busy lives so it takes some planning, and all that synchronizing can be a bit un-romantic. But once we have a plan in motion we both are excited about seeing each other, and we don't allow for frustrations to take over

 

A good idea might be to just have you and your SO plan that at the first opportunity that he is able to he will use the money he is saving up to come see you. That way you know that there is a plan in place.

 

But just based on what you said I would not give up yet.

[la vie est belle]

I'm waiting it out for the moment. It's been 3 weeks since he started and they've been sending him back and forth all over France (he's been living in hotels, the company pays for everything even on weekends). So rightfully so, he takes advantage of this situation and uses his weekends when he's not working to go visit friends he hasn't seen in a while (he's basically getting paid to go do that on weekends).

 

I would do the same thing if I were him, but I can't help but feel extremely jealous that he's doing all this awesome stuff and I'm sitting stuck at home stressed out trying to finish my last semester of school with good grades, waiting like a loser for every weekend so we can FINALLY get to talk.

 

At the same time, (I know it's totally irrational) it kind of bothers me that every time we're actually able to talk on weekends he's like always at a friends house or somewhere either where he's 1.) distracted; 2.) can't do fun webcam stuff lol; 3.) time is shortened because he has an obligation to his friends he's staying with. I guess it bothers me because I feel like he can't give me 100% of his attention even ONCE a week.... I'm also just jealous because I know if I were there, somewhere even remotely close and doable in a weekend, he'd be visiting me instead.

 

he's even going to spain next week go to visit a friend (who's a girl) who he hasn't seen in a while, and has known way longer than me. i've never been the jealous type, and I don't have a problem with him having girl friends.... but I have no idea who this girl is... is it wrong for me to be jealous? I trust him, but like... I can't help but feel it's a little inappropriate... especially considering the only time we can talk are the weekends, and he's going to go visit some girl I don't know. I hate this!!!

[la vie est belle]

First off, what a cute story

I understand where you're coming from. And I think your SO has been pretty good at setting your mind at ease about the future, which is good. I know it can get frustrating but maybe you should wait, at least until his job training is over, and see where that leads.

 

In my LDR I also like to know the next meet up date. It just makes me happy to know that we have plans. We both have busy lives so it takes some planning, and all that synchronizing can be a bit un-romantic. But once we have a plan in motion we both are excited about seeing each other, and we don't allow for frustrations to take over

 

A good idea might be to just have you and your SO plan that at the first opportunity that he is able to he will use the money he is saving up to come see you. That way you know that there is a plan in place.

 

But just based on what you said I would not give up yet.

 

That is going to be really hard... we've talked about it a little... but one thing he found out was that sometimes he may not know where he's going or for how long until like a week before. Even when he's there, if they say he's going to stay for like a month, they might shorten it to 2 weeks and ship him off to the next place without much notice. Under those circumstances, planning a meeting seems pretty impossible...

 

I feel like all I can hope for now is that he has a layover in LA so I can see him for a couple hours. lol god, how ****ty is that????

[la vie est belle]

lol, just reading your post was like one of those "stories" from the movies haha!

 

I know, right? I sometimes ask myself if that's one of the reasons I can't bring myself to let him go... it was just such a dream, and more exciting than any other relationship I've ever been in.

 

Our relationship is just so unique and mysterious, amplified by cultural and language barriers haha. Well, there's not much of a language barrier, not on his side anyway... because we speak French all the time. All my friends and family were impressed how we would speak French together all the time lol. It is pretty cool, when I think about it.

[Idalis]

I hate distractions when I'm talking to my bf. There needs to be more communication between you two. Have you let him know that it bothers you that his attention is divided on the few chances you two get to chat?

He might not know that it is bothering you, and when you let things like that fester they can grow in to something bigger, when really all you needed to do was tell him upfront the issues you are having.

If that was me I would tell him that although its cool that he can take advantage of the perks of his job he still needs to make you a priority. And if it takes him inconveniencing himself to make sure that you feel important, then thats what he needs to do. It doesn't have to be EVERY weekend but it does need to happen enough to where you feel comfortable and feel prioritized.

But do make sure you are keeping the schedule you would normally keep if he wasn't in your life, with hobbies, friends and whatever else you normally do. It should not revolve around what he's doing and where he's going, otherwise you will drive yourself crazy!

[la vie est belle]

I agree, there definitely needs to be more communication.

 

However, I've been really hesitant to bring it up anytime soon... just three weeks ago we agreed that we'd talk only talk once a week, on the weekends, and exchange BBM messages sporadically during the week. I actually felt good about our decision at the time because I felt like I was going crazy not being able to talk during the week, even though neither of us could make the time. I was glad about not having to worry about talking to him during the week, and just happy knowing I would get the once a day "I love you, thinking about you" text.

 

However, now that we've had this system for 3 weeks, I'm not sure this is going to work out either. We just don't talk enough, I really don't feel like 3 hours on Skype once a week is going to cut it. That's like, 4 times a month. It's kind of ridiculous when you put it in perspective. He doesn't know half the stuff that's going on my life and I don't know what's going on in his either (only the main things...) The problem is though neither of us have time during the week, I'm ALWAYS at school or driving or just doing something where I can't talk. Then when I'm able to talk, he's sleeping.

 

I think I do this as a defense mechanism... but most of my week is spent trying to forget about him so I can get on with what I need to do. I'm SO good at this, that when we actually do get to talk on the weekends I almost start to dread it because I have conditioned myself so well during the week to detach myself that I'm scared to admit how in love with this man I actually am. However, once we start talking its fine and I feel so good after, for like a day, then I feel like **** again knowing I'm not going to be able to talk again for another 5 days. Clearly, this is not working on my side.

 

However, I feel like if I were to bring up how this is making me feel now, it would be kind of pointless, because we can't really make more time for each other right now... not at least for the next 2 months anyway while I'm still in school and he's still in training, so I can't help but feel it would cause unnecessary drama.

 

And yeah, it is really crappy that he hasn't been able to give me 100% of his attention when we're able to talk, but at the same time I know it's just a temporary situation while he's still in training... and I can't really blame him. I wouldn't really want him to stay all bored in a hotel in a small crappy city he doesn't know during his weekends, ya know? So I guess I just have to deal with it for now if I want to keep this up, even though it is really frustrating.

 

And you're right, he does have no idea it's bothering me... he's one of those guys where things need to be spelled out to him or he just doesn't get it lol. I feel like I don't have a compelling reason to complain either... I know his life is pretty crazy right now, so I don't want to come off as needy or demanding when he already makes the time and effort to talk... even though it's not under the most ideal circumstances... however, the Spain thing, I may have to bring that up lol.

 

He's so level headed about it, and always tells me I need to be patient... I try to hard to heed his advice, but patience is not one of my strong points. I really feel we need to find a good sort of balance... I suppose this is just the adjustment period, realizing what our needs are and what we are and aren't able to do...

 

Sorry this was so long, had to let it out again. lol

 

 

 

I hate distractions when I'm talking to my bf. There needs to be more communication between you two. Have you let him know that it bothers you that his attention is divided on the few chances you two get to chat?

He might not know that it is bothering you, and when you let things like that fester they can grow in to something bigger, when really all you needed to do was tell him upfront the issues you are having.

If that was me I would tell him that although its cool that he can take advantage of the perks of his job he still needs to make you a priority. And if it takes him inconveniencing himself to make sure that you feel important, then thats what he needs to do. It doesn't have to be EVERY weekend but it does need to happen enough to where you feel comfortable and feel prioritized.

But do make sure you are keeping the schedule you would normally keep if he wasn't in your life, with hobbies, friends and whatever else you normally do. It should not revolve around what he's doing and where he's going, otherwise you will drive yourself crazy!

[Idalis]

I agree, there definitely needs to be more communication.

 

However, I've been really hesitant to bring it up anytime soon... just three weeks ago we agreed that we'd talk only talk once a week, on the weekends, and exchange BBM messages sporadically during the week. I actually felt good about our decision at the time because I felt like I was going crazy not being able to talk during the week, even though neither of us could make the time. I was glad about not having to worry about talking to him during the week, and just happy knowing I would get the once a day "I love you, thinking about you" text.

 

However, now that we've had this system for 3 weeks, I'm not sure this is going to work out either. We just don't talk enough, I really don't feel like 3 hours on Skype once a week is going to cut it. That's like, 4 times a month. It's kind of ridiculous when you put it in perspective. He doesn't know half the stuff that's going on my life and I don't know what's going on in his either (only the main things...) The problem is though neither of us have time during the week, I'm ALWAYS at school or driving or just doing something where I can't talk. Then when I'm able to talk, he's sleeping.

 

I think I do this as a defense mechanism... but most of my week is spent trying to forget about him so I can get on with what I need to do. I'm SO good at this, that when we actually do get to talk on the weekends I almost start to dread it because I have conditioned myself so well during the week to detach myself that I'm scared to admit how in love with this man I actually am. However, once we start talking its fine and I feel so good after, for like a day, then I feel like **** again knowing I'm not going to be able to talk again for another 5 days. Clearly, this is not working on my side.

 

I know EXACTLY what you mean!! I did the exact same thing last year when I was out of the country for 3 weeks on a mission trip. Well maybe instead of your conversation being about needing a compromise it can be more of a "status update". I know for me it really helps to know my bf MISSES me, even if we can't see each other for a week or two and I know it I still like to HEAR that I'm missed & that he is feeling the same thing I am. Although we might not be able to change it for that particular week

 

However, I feel like if I were to bring up how this is making me feel now, it would be kind of pointless, because we can't really make more time for each other right now... not at least for the next 2 months anyway while I'm still in school and he's still in training, so I can't help but feel it would cause unnecessary drama.

 

And yeah, it is really crappy that he hasn't been able to give me 100% of his attention when we're able to talk, but at the same time I know it's just a temporary situation while he's still in training... and I can't really blame him. I wouldn't really want him to stay all bored in a hotel in a small crappy city he doesn't know during his weekends, ya know? So I guess I just have to deal with it for now if I want to keep this up, even though it is really frustrating.

 

My bf and I have made some compromises for each other that we wouldn't make for other people, such as driving 8 hours in ONE day to see each other. Not fun, but doable, and worth it maybe once in the next two months he can stay in his hotel room and talk to you?? I don't think ONCE would be that unreasonable

 

And you're right, he does have no idea it's bothering me... he's one of those guys where things need to be spelled out to him or he just doesn't get it lol. I feel like I don't have a compelling reason to complain either... I know his life is pretty crazy right now, so I don't want to come off as needy or demanding when he already makes the time and effort to talk... even though it's not under the most ideal circumstances... however, the Spain thing, I may have to bring that up lol.

 

He's so level headed about it, and always tells me I need to be patient... I try to hard to heed his advice, but patience is not one of my strong points. I really feel we need to find a good sort of balance... I suppose this is just the adjustment period, realizing what our needs are and what we are and aren't able to do...

 

Oh, yeah, Spain! I forgot you mentioned that. Maybe that can be one of the weekends you guys can talk more? After all another female should be more understanding about him needing to talk to you in a more private setting. Don't you think?

 

Sorry this was so long, had to let it out again. lol

 

No worries, sometimes just typing stuff out helps me see things more clearly