wien7777 Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 I'm aware of how utterly childish the following incoherent mumbles will sound, but it's been said that.. um, ranting about your personal problems on Internet forums will help you clear your mind? Ancient proverb, obviously. Let's go with it. The situation: LDR with essentially the most perfect person on Earth for two years. Simultaneously the happiest and saddest two years I've known - no one made me happier (even despite the sporadic, silly bickering), but the exhausting emotional heaviness that is being apart from a loved one for such a duration was beyond words. Were very serious about a future together; a lifetime. Had a regular “discussion about life, etc” talk in July within which it was constituted that it will be a longer wait than initially anticipated for us to be able to live together. (We are both students, which complicates the situation considerably. It wouldn’t be for another ~two years that we would both be finished with school/able to pursue additional schooling/work in either country.) The outcome: Maybe it was something of a bout of temporary madness/impatience/stubbornness or maybe it was something that has been brewing beneath the surfaces, but I decided to end the relationship a week after said discussion in late July. I loved him immensely, as he did me, but .. timing in life is a fickle thing, and it was not on our side. The first two years without him were hard enough, but to wait another two years? .. To see what, how we would gradually fall apart over time? We had a very strong relationship, and yes, “we could still always visit each other”, but -- call it pessimism or aggressive realism – another two years apart would have been the beginning of the end. One can only wonder what kind of madness those two years would have brought and the ways in which something would have ultimately destroyed us. Isn’t it better to have just… called this a matter of circumstance and to have ended it while we only have good memories to reflect upon? The result: Heartwrenching messages from him until late September about how this is a mistake and how “if I truly loved him, I wouldn’t have given up this easily.” He will not (“does not know how”) to remain civil friends with one another as he still has feelings for me, and despite having the same feelings for him, we ... cannot go back to how things were. What would it solve? What would have changed? The pain: Incredible. I really do miss him every day. But even if it were a good idea to get back together.. it's.. too much time has already gone by. It's already too late; it wouldn't be right. The dilemma: the little voice inside my head (which probably was created upon watching one too many ridiculous Hollywood films) which persistently asks, “.. but what if?” What if, just like you made it through the first two years, you made it through the next two as well? You grew closer and stronger every day- what if there is no freak reversal of this, and what if it were to continue? What if, despite all alleged better judgment, you tried to make it work? The question: My dear fellow posters... what do I do? Any morsel of semi-sane advice – please, enlighten me. … The apology: I’m sorry for the ungodly overuse of curt sentences above. Ironically enough, I thought they would make this post less hideous in length… Oops. EDIT: As I hit enter, an Internet ad pops up for a (scam-alicious) "movie deal" pops up. Main movie being advertised? Snow Falling on Cedars. Tagline? .. "First loves last. Forever." (Please, .. help me so that Ethan Hawke's movies don't mock this melodrama of mine for the rest of my life.)
Trovador Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 You are a damn fine writer! I enjoyed it! (maybe it wasn't supposed to be enjoyed?) Well, I think LDRs are in the minority so it will hard give you a valid insight into your situation, however, are you aware that people does the same in close relationships? I mean, couples split up because a lot of circumstances get in the way and sometimes love is not enough... I am with you in that is better to have nice memories than bitter resentments. It requires both courage and wisdom to end a relationship when all it's good but certainly in the future it won't be so... I have done it, both "normally" and in a LDR, and it is painful but it is something that eventually had to be done... I can only tell you what I did. I got away without a what if, because it was sad to wait for something that probably never would happen, eg living together... there was no what if when the distance, the difficulties and the elongated hope would kill sooner than later our love... Thanks for sharing... PD. I am writing a story (in my native language) and I am using a lot the "what if" to expand the plot. Again, good piece of writing...
Author wien7777 Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 Thank you (although I wouldn't say the same about my writing - but then again, I don't exactly put any thought behind the phrasing, etc) for your words. Does anyone else have any pearls of wisdom to share?
Arabella Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 I was in a long-distance relationship for 2 years which ultimately ended with me moving away from my country to be with him. The relationship died a horrible death several years later. If I were to do it all over again... I would not. It wasn't worth all I had to give up to pursue the relationship. Yes, the question is... what if you actually made it another two years? Would it truly be the relationship you've always dreamed of, or would it just end up failing? Is it worth putting your life on hold for so long to find out? My advice is... move on. Two years is a long time, and even more so in a long-distance relationship. You love him, but you will love again, as will he. Like you said, it's all about timing. Arabella
Capthxc Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 All i can really do is give you perspective. I was in a LDR for about a year with my most recent ex. Best year of my life, she gave me a lot, we always talked about how we couldnt see a future without either of us in it. We are both students as well, so moving in together wouldnt be a possibility for another 2-3 years. I tried to approach her about long term goals and where she would eventually want to move, but i always got fed the "i just dont know right now" line. We had the usual LDR bickering, where id get down on myself for not being able to be there for her during stressful times, or getting paranoid about silly things, but we always worked through it. Then the last month of the relationship in August is when things took a turn for the worst. My over protectiveness took a hold of me. It happened shortly after my last visit. She would try and go out with friends and i would barrage her with texts. She said she felt guilty about going out and just stayed at home to talk to me during the last month or so. I got jealous over everyone she talked to for no reason. When i look back at it i realize how absolutely ridiculous it really was, and i wish i could take it all back. She became really distant from me during that month, no affection, i had to push the words i wanted to hear out of her. It made me scared, it got me even more paranoid then i was before. She eventually told me she was stressed out and if i kept pushing her then it would led to a break up, and she didnt want that, because the mere thought of us breaking up made her sick to her stomach. I kept promising change, but after a few days that vicious cycle hit us again. She eventually told me she wanted space, and i tried my damned hardest to comply but i got mad about something, and after about 12 hours or so i was back to sending her messages. I ended up asking her if she can still see a future with me in it, and if she still felt the same. I got fed the lines of "I dont feel the same right now, im not happy at the moment" and thats when the break up hit me. I begged, pleaded, asked for another chance but she said she couldnt give me one. I caved in, told her i couldnt do the friend thing, she seemed really upset over it but took the mature route and accepted it. We said our goodbyes, and then the next day i told her it wasnt what i wanted, and ill still keep the lines open if she ever wants to talk. Like you, i find myself asking the "what ifs" all the time. What if i didnt get mad? Would we still be going about that terrible cycle of anger->promises->anger again? Or would we have had a more vicious break up? She wished me well, she told me i have to change myself before i work on this relationship, and she told me she doesnt want things to end this way. In the end i have to realize that the what ifs will only make my situation worse. I have to respect the fact that she needs her space, and whether or not she comes back after she had that space, its something i will have to deal with, no matter how tough it may be. There is no going back and undoing the things you have done. But i feel as if there is always the chance to start over, once you have gotten over the negative feelings towards one another and get back on your feet again. Just my perspective from my whole situation, hope it helps a little.
alliance_820 Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 ... any thoughts whatsoever? Honestly, if you still have feelings for him, and same for him about you, I'd consider working it out. I was in a LDR and I know how hard it is, but I wouldn't have ever wanted it to end. If there is a certain point where you know the distance is going to end, don't give up. It's better to give it a shot, than to break it off for fear of failing. If you still have feelings now just work with them. You can do it
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