Author alturrnababe Posted April 18, 2011 Author Posted April 18, 2011 Yeah so. I am still here, and husband has quit his sports and been staying home, doing nothing, just trying to spend time with me. Problem is, Me. I can't forget about what he did. He admitted kissing her, but it's a bull**it story, he said he met her outside a bar and talked to her for 20 minutes, ended up kissing her and then he and his friends left. SO then why did he get her phone number then?? And why still texting and calling 3 days later AND asking her to come to the hotel room the night after he met her??? He won't answer me and gets extremely verbally abusive calling me horrible names. He says I need to get past it or move out and move on. I am finding it increasingly hard to forget about the whole thing, infact, it's getting worse. I just feel that, even though he is home all the time, it will happen again I just don't know if I shouldn't just forget about him and move on...what he did was horrible, even if he said it was just texting and a "20 second kiss" you just don't ask for someone's number after talking to them for 20 minutes as he claimed. And trying to get her to the hotel room...for what??? Does he think I'm stupid??? I am tired of thinking about this every day! I emailed the girl, but her email was de- activated. I do still have her phone number though..I feel like I need some closure. I don't know if phoning her this late in the game will get me any results...I just feel like this marriage isn't going to work if he doesn't come clean with me.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 I got your PM, thank you... The marriage won't work unless he does come clean with you. Get into MC, if he won't go then you go. ANd guess what? Polygraphs only cost $500 in Rocky Mountain House. Let him put his money where his mouth is. I would DEMAND IT in your circumstance.
imagine Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Recovery may take More than two years. Honesty will help it. I'm with dreamingodtigers -get a polygraph.
Author alturrnababe Posted April 18, 2011 Author Posted April 18, 2011 Sad...what a great letter. Thankyou. I really feel everything you just said here. He would laugh his head off if I suggested a polygraph. He will NEVER tell me anything..and in fact, just yesterday he told me I needed "help" and that I have gone "completely mental". I have lost 46 pounds, am on medication, and lose hair like crazy, since October. It is not fair that he has done this...he needs to realize he should never, ever, done it in the first place. He said to me "it's been MONTHS since this happened. You need help. Stop asking me what happened. I've come clean". The only reason he "came clean" is because I busted him. People are correct when they say "you'll never look at your spouse the same way again" That is 100% true. I have absolutely ZERO trust...therefore, the marriage is not real to me. I could threaten him with anything and he would never tell me what really went on. Thanks for all replies..it does help to know I'm not the only one going through this sort of thing.
Owl Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 It sounds to me as though you already have your answers. You've outlined his view and stance on things pretty well, and clearly feel that there's not going to be any change on his part. The question then becomes...what do you do from here? What are you going to do with that information? If he's not going to change, that leaves you with the choice to either accept it, or end the relationship. Or, I guess there is the third choice of not changing anything...and continuing with the both of you being unhappy. What are you going to do from here?
Author alturrnababe Posted April 18, 2011 Author Posted April 18, 2011 Well..Owl..I'll tell you..after all that went down it's been a rocky road for sure. I was doing not too bad...putting money away..biding my time...then in February, my Dad died unexpectedly and that left me reeling. Still am. I don't even remember most of the funeral or Memorial..pure grief just took over. I just remember laying in bed one day not long after the funeral thinking " I just wish I had my husband to lean on." He was really trying to be supportive. I just wasn't letting it happen. Like now...he keeps trying to do nice things for me, stays home with me, does little things that he never would have before. Everything but discuss THAT. He just keeps telling me how much he loves me, that he was tremendously stupid in doing what he did and to please forgive him and get past it. I am starting to think I am getting past something...and it's him. I think I've just grown so far away from him after what happened and all of the horrible sadness and bad feelings and devastation. I just don't seem to know how to progress from here, maybe after what happened with my Dad I'm just starting realize that life is too short to be stuck in this cycle of unhappiness? I just know what he did WAS NOT ok. I am so f**king angry at him for putting me through this, yet I know that the only person that can get me out of it all is me. I did phone his friend that was with him at the time...of course he covered for him. I have also threatened to call the girl in question..not to be mean to her of course. I just need some closure on her part.
PollyIvy Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 I'm so sorry you're going through this. I would be willing to believe the goofing around with friends thing except for this: the morning message. If it were with guys, it would just be gay and sincere, not joking around straight guy stuff. So please. Your man is up to something. I'm so sorry. I always want to believe the lame excuses too. It's ok that you looked on his phone. He is trying to make you feel guilty, but you did nothing wrong because of the messages you found. The problem is that the messages were there in the first place, not that you found them!
Mimolicious Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 FYI: There is NO privacy in a M. People who think like this are the ones that fack up the same institution. Unreal... Rather than texting call the person. Either that or search who the number belongs to and take it from there. I don't think you are going to get an honest answer out of your H. If he is in fact having an A, trust me, brace yourself for what is to come. Good luck!
Mimolicious Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Sorry, didn't see your update A. Oh boy... dayum! Let's see, where do I begin? Girl, MOVE ON! I know that it is easier said than done but you'll come back here in a year from now and tell us that things have not changed or that they are really sour. You have one big elephant in the room, either address it with some therepy or get out of the situation. Not trusting someone that you are in a household with is very very stressful. Stress leads to bad health and nobody is worth your health. Your kids need you! Be strong and make changes. (HUG)
Author alturrnababe Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 Thanks for the hug Mimo. Sure need that right now! Yeah..the elephant...is never going to leave, unless I get away from him. I don't even know who this guy is anymore. I am grieving the loss of my Dad AND the man I thought was my husband. Infidelity really does feel like a death. It's like, the person you THOUGHT you knew like the back of your hand just...disappeared. Unfortuanately, it will NEVER go away for me. Thanks again everyone, for support and stuff. I just feel so sad all the time.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Hun, I would be super-blunt. You tell him straight up that it has affected you to the point where you have lost feelings and hope for your relationship and unless he is willing to share, be honest and go for some counseling with you over it (maybe even polygraph) that you have done all that you can. You put the owness and responsibility firmly on him and drop it for a week or two. Pick it up from there and get the ball rolling if need be. Don't not speak up and tell him that avoiding it is causing more damage then dealing with the problem.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 As well I would plainly let him know that infidelity does have profound physical and emotional (mental) trauma attached to it and so in fact you may have gone "completely mental" and that he needs to own the fact that he created the dynamic in the relationship. LOL aturnababe, You aren't that far away, I can drive up and nag him to death if you need. (just kidding)
Silly_Girl Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I think its' more of a case of blame shifting. Rather than trying to make her feel she is crazy, he is deflecting anger and blame onto you for checking his phone, etc. Someone with nothing to hide wouldn't care if you touched his phone. Me and my wives' phones are interchangeable after working hours. We leave them on the counter, it doesn't really matter which one we grab to make a call. We both also have work phones that are there also. And work history is not ever erased, until full. That is her job. Makes her feel safer, I guess. If it helps her feel secure, I'm all for it. See OP... Thomasb's affair was a tiny slip-up (relative to most posts we see here) and he was pretty much instantaneously remorseful and in fact entirely disgusted with himself.... Yet after all these years his wife STILL does not trust him, still checks his phone and is in charge of declaring the content 'safe' prior to deletion. Your husband is not remorseful, is not making efforts to prove himself, is not offering his phone to you as in the above post. And he's being emotionally abusive. I don't think you will ever be able to trust this man, and all the while you don't you simply will not have a peaceful mind (or heart).
Woman In Blue Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 He told me how he was furious that I had invaded hi privacy and that it was a bunch of drunk guys at the hotel all texting from eachothers phones. Oh PLEASE tell me you don't believe that ridiculous nonsense. Men don't spend time playing with each other's phones and sending silly texts like that - drunk or not. Just the fact that he got FURIOUS with you is MORE than enough of a sign to let you know he's DEFENSIVE. People are only angrily defensive when they're lying. I wonder, did he tell her that I knew and she pretended not to know the number? Or, did someone really use his phone to text like he said? Of course he warned her. They're on high alert now and doing 'damage control.' Your discovery of their affair will just drive them further underground where they'll be much more diligent in hiding their communication in the future. He has ZERO remorse and simply doesn't care enough to try to save your marriage. What does THAT tell you? Good luck to you.
Woman In Blue Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I didn't realize that my post prior to this one was answering a thread that was started back in October. It's now April and you're still there? I thought you were putting money away to get away from this douche bag? It's been 6 months of his ridiculous LIES and gaslighting and you're still there, driving yourself crazy. Still being lied to and still being disrespected, every single day by this cretin. Why are you still there? I emailed the girl, but her email was de- activated. I do still have her phone number though..I feel like I need some closure. I don't know if phoning her this late in the game will get me any results...I just feel like this marriage isn't going to work if he doesn't come clean with me. Pretty sad that he's SUCH a lying scumbag that you have to swallow your pride and beg his affair partner to tell you the truth. I would have been SO gone by now.
Mimolicious Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Thanks for the hug Mimo. Sure need that right now! Yeah..the elephant...is never going to leave, unless I get away from him. I don't even know who this guy is anymore. I am grieving the loss of my Dad AND the man I thought was my husband. Infidelity really does feel like a death. It's like, the person you THOUGHT you knew like the back of your hand just...disappeared. Unfortuanately, it will NEVER go away for me. Thanks again everyone, for support and stuff. I just feel so sad all the time. Yes it will go away! When you decide that enough is enough and make a change. Nothing lasts forever...
Recommended Posts