alturrnababe Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 OK Married for almost ten years, Have been through multiple issues with husband, drinking, going out constantly and staying out late (without me, of course). At the end of August this year he went to a soccer tounament for 4 days in another province. Two days ago he was charging his phone on the laptop and was not home, and a very insistent voice told me to check his call history and messages. I did, and now wish I didn't. I found texts saying things like--"Let's do something" "I'm ditching my friends for you" "come to the hotel" "Thinking about kissing your soft lips" and the last one (two days after all these texts) I capitals "CALL ME I'M HOME AND I'M UP MISS THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE". I confronted him with the evidence and he lost it. He told me how he was furious that I had invaded hi privacy and that it was a bunch of drunk guys at the hotel all texting from eachothers phones. These texts sound personal to me, between two people. The majority that I found were in the same day. I texted her from his phone when he was in the shower and she said "who the hell is this?" and "I don't know anyone by that name"and please f**k off." so I texted her from my sister's phone claiming to be him too and she said the same stuff. I wonder, did he tell her that I knew and she pretended not to know the number? Or, did someone really use his phone to text like he said? All I know is he has deleted EVERYTHING from his phone, but I had already forwarded everything to my phone, because I knew he was going to do this. He wants me to shut up about it and move on but I am very hurt and this is horrible. We went on two family vacations since august when he did that and I am having a hard time wondering how he acted so normal. I am honestly considering moving away from him--I would have more respect for him if he just admitted it and apologized but he seems to feel as though he didn't do anything. He said there were a bunch of guys at this tournament and they were "texting and having fun". I hate to tell him but he's married! If he found this on my phone, he'd lose his mind and kick me out. I don't know what to do, because I feel like he was putting himself out there for some reason! Why is he blaming me for everything and keeps saying "It was just texting"? It just sounds weird to me.
Spark1111 Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 I am so sorry you are going through this. What does your gut tell you is the truth? Because that is all you really have to go on right now! If it is only guys having fun and texting each other, can you call those guys with your concerns? You may learn some truth in how they react to your questions. Yes, it is also true that you are being gaslighted by your spouse. A typical WS does get angry when accused of an affair and can go underground with their affair partner. Your instincts told you to save those texts and that is a good thing. Have you learned who the cell phone number belongs to through a reverse search? Sometimes you have to pay for that service but there are plenty of web sites that will look up the name and address associated with the number. I needed to do a lot of investigation privately without letting my spouse know I was doing this to gain the truth. But I am glad I discovered the truth. If it is true, what do you want to do about it? Do you love him? Would you be willing to try and work on your marriage? That is your decision to make. But if your gut is now telling you something is up, it very well could be true. Try to quietly gather as much info as possible before you confront your spouse, because they will deny, deny, deny and make you feel as if you are crazy. I wish you peace.
redmelon Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 how does he explain the text from 2 days later when he wasn't with "the guys"?
yoga18 Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 I've been through this....don't let him make you think your crazy. My ex was great at that he had me thinking I was crazy guess what??? I wasn't, I'm sorry but he blew up at you for what looking at his phone. He is your husband of 10 years not some guy you just went out with. When people cheat its sometime the thrill of getting caught most are not trying to get caught takes away the thrill and all the **** crumbles. I think you should be careful. My ex blamed me for everything cause the guilt would have been too much to handle. There is a reason your gut told you to look.
Spark1111 Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 Also, think on this: People with nothing to hide, hide nothing. If you love your spouse and they are feeling really insecure.....about anything.....wouldn't you go out of your way to reassure them????????????? Even if it was not true??????? Or would you grow highly insulted that someone invaded your privacy and discovered inappropriate texts and got angry at you.....and then deleted them all????? There are no secrets in a loving and intimate and respectful relationship.
Author alturrnababe Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 Hey all, thankyou for your replies. I have had a horrible day/night and I hate that he ruined my weekend. I have put up with so much from him, he goes out all the time and comes home when he feels like it! And, Redmelon, you are right about that. He must think I'm a complete idiot. I'm starting to think this marriage is a colossal waste of my time. He's away at yet another sports tournament today, is coming back tonight and know what? The house is gonna be empty!!! My sister took the kids for the night and I'm going out with some friends. He hates that. Maybe I'll get some numbers and start texting..and let him find them on MY phone.
Spark1111 Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 Hey all, thankyou for your replies. I have had a horrible day/night and I hate that he ruined my weekend. I have put up with so much from him, he goes out all the time and comes home when he feels like it! And, Redmelon, you are right about that. He must think I'm a complete idiot. I'm starting to think this marriage is a colossal waste of my time. He's away at yet another sports tournament today, is coming back tonight and know what? The house is gonna be empty!!! My sister took the kids for the night and I'm going out with some friends. He hates that. Maybe I'll get some numbers and start texting..and let him find them on MY phone. It sounds like your husband has some sense of self-entitlement. Where does he go on these sports tournaments? What does he do? Does he invite you to go with him? Why or why not?
whichwayisup Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 You have put up with alot from him A. I remember you from a while ago. He's taken and taken, you've given and compromised, tried your best. Maybe this time the marriage isn't worth saving. He's not showing any remorse, he's defensive, denying stuff to you, and acting like a big jerk. Is he worth fighting for? Is the marriage worth saving? Are you willing to work harder than him (again) to keep being his wife? Maybe take time for you, think about it. Talk to those closest to you, even go seek some counselling to help and guide you if need be. Now, if he changed his tune, admitted everything, promised to do counselling with you and on his own, and shown you genuine remorse, that's one thing. He hasn't and he won't because he's selfish and has always done what HE wants to do, without thinking of you. He isn't much of a husband.
whichwayisup Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 Maybe I'll get some numbers and start texting..and let him find them on MY phone. Don't do that. Don't stoop to his level. YOU need to be the bigger one here and climb above the crap that's floating your way. Be distant. He is going to do what he's going to do, whether you like it or not. Right? So, focus on you, the kids and what to do next. No need to clue him into any plans of you leaving him/separating/divorcing. Keep track of everything, write down stuff so you don't forget.
redmelon Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 I hope you will try to actually have FUN on your outing, it sounds like it has been a while since you've enjoyed yourself. So, try to not think about the situation, and just have a good time! You can figure the rest out later...
Author alturrnababe Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 Well i did go out and he called me 10 times, called my sister, my friends, my other sister, and was mad when i went home. He wa still denying so ths morning i kicked him out, and he called said he wanted to come home but was still belligerent. He told me last night he wanted to kick ME out. when he left this morning he took MY phone and my keys to the car. He also took my laptop. He's here now and I left him with the kids while i went to the store. The kids told me they heard "beeping" and that they thought he was texting. I confronted him and he denied everythng and told me to f**k off. I am frustrated with it all and I wish he had stayed gone. Again. Thankyou for all replies, you are all so nice and it feels great to have some support. I don't thnk this will end well as long as he is not accountable for his actions.
You Go Girl Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 The texts are one thing, that we can't prove, weren't done by guys kidding around, although HIGHLY unlikely. However, if I as an objective observer, look at this situation what I don't see from your husband is respect, regardless of where the texts went to. Yes, you invaded his privacy. But I think an honest loving husband would have honest loving answers to the questions that arose. Not anger, arrogance, and entitlement.
Author alturrnababe Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 Thanks go girl-- yeah I know it was bad for checking the phone. I do feel bad. I wish I had not. I hate thinking about him sitting on tha bed in the hotel room texting her when he did not call me. I hate this, it won't go away, and I will never feel the same. Ever. we had our problems but this--this--I never expected.I can't trust hm again and when I try to talk things over he loses it and tells me I have to leave.
TurboGirl Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Just read the thread and I feel for you. I've been there (not recently, fortunately, but in the past several times). As a woman I feel we are born with intuition and we know deep inside when someone we love is doing us wrong & up to no good. When you sense that hubby is doing something wrong, he just might be. I would have checked the phone too. He has some nerve to be mad at you for "invading privacy"! BS... you are his wife and you sensed something was up, and you are trying to maintain & protect your marriage! All these sporting events, he's away on the weekends...? What the heck is THAT now? Why aren't you invited to go? and why away all the time? Sounds like hubby needs a reality check and maybe to grow up a little bit - he's a married man not some single guy out with his buds to pick up chicks. Advise you to not "do the same" to him with texts, etc. That would be giving him persmission to continue doing whatever he is doing. And he might not even care about texts on your phone, and THEN how would you feel? Yeah, I know you're mad... but hold your ground and think things through before acting/saying and you'll come out on top.
Author alturrnababe Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 Thanks for the reply turbo! I feel so bad for everything. Last night he started giving me the "silent treatment" and is acting all depressed and stuff. I wonder, is he depressed because he hurt me so bad or is it becuase he got caught? He won't let me near his phone now. I have checked it-- and he has deleted everything off of it. I just don't know how to get over this awful feeling and I hate myself for crying over it. He wants to go on like before it seems but at the same time he seems very angry at ME. I didn't do anything here. He says that I need to stop talking about it. I have, and am being silent right back at him. I just feel for my kids. My 18 year old son is SO embarrased about the situation and thinks my husband acts like a teenager. I can't believe, 10 year has gone by and I have sat here alone at night while he has gone out. He was at that tournament for 4 days and he couldn't even be "married" for that? I wonder if that girl even knows if he was married??!! I feel I have no choice but to move. My gut tells me he is not texting her anymore (remember when I texted her from his phone and she said "please f**k off) I don't know if he tipped her off but he was in the shower when I did that. He still wants to be intimate with me (all the time) and wanted to the night he got home form that tournament too, but then texted her a couple of days later. I have seen no evidence of anymore communication--but then again he could be doing it when I'm not around. I just think if it did not work out with her, he'll find someone else and do it again. I think me finding this stuff might have been as much of a gut punch to him as it was to me, but he doesn't seem remorseful enough. I would never do this to him. I am not going to bring it up anymore because his anger is too much to take.
Owl Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Don't be afraid to INSIST on what you need here. He's deleting his messages, denying access to your phone, lying to you and treating you like dirt for one reason... ...because he's not suffering any real consequences for doing so. Pull up your big girl pants. Tell him point blank that he's got a choice...either start working to FIX this situation, and working WITH YOU to do so...or he's out. Now...this only works if you're willing to go that route. Maybe instead of "he's out", it's more along the lines of "if you don't, the kids and I are moving to my mom's"....or something along those lines. But the bottom line is this...he's still getting away with treating you like this. He needs to see that you're serious, that he'll lose you if he keeps doing what he's doing, that he's going to suffer conseuqences for his behaviors. Point blank...spell out for him what needs to happen...or he's out the door. Marriage counseling. Full open book access to his phone/email/etc... You get the idea. If he refuses...then 'girl up' and enforce that boundary. It'll be the only way he'll actually see that you mean business, and that he has to change.
BellaBellaBella Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Don't leave, make him leave. Is the place in both your names? If there is any leaving to be done the betrayer should leave. If your 18 yr old, knows make sure he knows that it isn't right for the Dad to have a GF. Bella
turnera Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Go to a lawyer, get separation papers drawn up, pack his clothes, and leave them on the front porch along with the papers and a letter. In the letter, state what he will have to do to be able to come home: 1) No longer going out with friends without you; if he does, you file for divorce 2) No contact with other females; you WILL monitor his computer and phone and if you find contact, you file for divorce 3) Total transparency on phone and computer, any time you want to look; if he refuses, you file for divorce 4) Commitment to marriage counseling; if he stops going and you feel no progress has been made, you file for divorce 5) Treats you with respect, including no longer using foul language at you; if he doesn't improve, you file for divorce You DO have the right to do this. You DO have the right to have him respect you. You DO need to leave him if you are unable to get him to commit to the above. We teach people how to treat us - by allowing him to abuse you the way he does, you have taught him to feel entitled to do so. Time to start respecting yourself, so HE will. But it will never happen unless you're willing to kick him out.
Author alturrnababe Posted October 12, 2010 Author Posted October 12, 2010 Thanks Turnera- Yeah I am thinking along those lines. He keeps telling me " it was just texting" if i hear that ONE MORE TIME I am going to lose my mind. I am sick of him bullying me and making ME out to be the bad guy here. Actually I plan on just leaving since I have always hated living here and now with a new job I can afford something else. I am so frustrated with him screaming at me when I ask him something. He is taking his phone and mine to get the numbers changed tomorrow. Is he afraid she will text me and tell me something? He even freaked out tonight when he came upstairs and saw me on the house phone-- and I was talking to my sister!!!! Seems to me he has A LOT to hide about the weekend in question. I am so ready to give up.
thomasb Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 If nothing else he is being emotionally abusive to you. But I do believe, by his angry, defensive behavior, that he is having an affair. There is a lot of truth in the saying that he who has nothing to hide, hides nothing. And what you said about your son thinking he is acting like a teenager is very telling. I would think you need to make a plan to protect yourself and your children from this asap.
YellowShark Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 (edited) If he had any remorse he would not be angry WITH YOU. Since he is angry with you he is telegraphing that he sees you as the villain in this story rather than him - the cheater. His anger towards you is a deflection from what is indefensible - his affair. His anger and freaking out on you when you're on the house phone with your sister is what is called gaslighting. Best of luck, sorry to hear about what you are going through. Edited October 12, 2010 by YellowShark
turnera Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Next time he says it is only texting, hold your hand out for his phone and say "Great! I love a good conversation. Let me see it." If he refuses, inform him: "An affair is any time you do something that you won't share with your spouse."
thomasb Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 I think its' more of a case of blame shifting. Rather than trying to make her feel she is crazy, he is deflecting anger and blame onto you for checking his phone, etc. Someone with nothing to hide wouldn't care if you touched his phone. Me and my wives' phones are interchangeable after working hours. We leave them on the counter, it doesn't really matter which one we grab to make a call. We both also have work phones that are there also. And work history is not ever erased, until full. That is her job. Makes her feel safer, I guess. If it helps her feel secure, I'm all for it.
scatterd Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 I am sorry for your pain your husband is showing no respect for you.Let him know where the bear ***** in the woods.Its time to get mad he has no right to treat you this way.Do what you need to if it means asking him to leave or go to counceling do it.You both are married if he is not doing any thing then he should not mind you and the kids going with him nor would he mind you looking at the phone.Tell him if he does not want you to look at his phone then not to give you reasons to beleive hes doing something.It seems since cell phones came along that sharing information with each other is a past time.Why did he delete evrything if their was nothing to look at.Let him know that the way he acts he has led their to be a reason not to trust him and if you cant trust him you both are wasting your time.Now is the time you need a counciler I told my husband counceling no more secrets or Its done.It helped us and if you can get him to go and he wants a better marriage it will do you both good.Again im sorry you hurt and good luck I hope you and your family happiness:bunny:
Author alturrnababe Posted October 13, 2010 Author Posted October 13, 2010 Again, thanks all for kind compassionate replys and some great advice. I have pretty much made up mind and I am putting every cent away for somewhere else for the kids and I. This is just too much to take, every time I think about it I hate him and the situation a little bit more. And, hate myself for letting him bully me! He is not reassuring at all. He just keeps repeating the same ond crap about "it was just texting" He seems to forget that HE was the one who got her phone number HE was the one who texted her, HE was the one who hid it from me (and who knows what else) and HE IS the one responsible for this whole mess. I also found out yesterday he told her he wasn't married. He has 3 tattoos on his arm with each of our kids names. I wish I could remove them, he doesn't deserve those lovely kids. I am past the upset stage. I may not show him but inside I am SPITTING mad.
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