KarmasTestDummy Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 OMG, I don't know where to begin. After yesterday morning him telling me yet again that he was still working on forgiving W and giving her a second chance we said our goodbyes. I asked him not to contact me' unless he was single. As has been very hot topic lately you know I have been questioning his honesty. Everyone opened my eyes to how far fetched his horror stories about his W were. I began to believe myself that I had the wool pulled over my eyes this whole time. But everything unfolded yesterday afternoon, and at 5:30 I got a text saying it was over and she was gone. I of course asked what happened. Yesterday as he got home from work she met him in the driveway. They had been arguing by phone for most of the day. First thing she does is start calling him names and wants to see his phone to do her inspection. It's clean. She still doesn't believe he cut the ties despite promising her. She has been having affairs too so he said well all's fair, let me' see your phone. She refused and he took it from her hand. She went ballistic on him and started clawing at him and punching him in the Face and pulling his shirt by the collar doing anything she could to get it back from him. Them she threatened to call the cops if he didn't give it back so he called her a psycho lieng bitch and handed it to her saying, so call them. So she pulls up the number and starts to dial then hangs up on the dispatch. She said f you and started walking down the street. A few minutes later the cops are at his door and ask who called 911 and if there was an emergency. He told them him and his wife had an argument but that it was over and she went walking off down the street. His shirt was still half hanging off of him, arms and neck welted and bloody and eye puffy. They assumed instant domestic violence and began questioning him while the other officer went to find W. When he returned he had spoken to her and seen she didn't have a mark on her. So when they got there they asked him what he wanted to do and said they could take her in for assault. He said he just wanted her to leave...and have it documented for his custody case. Because the children witnessed it the police told him that it would not only be documented but also they would have to turn it over to child protective services for investigation. At which point as they were coming in the house to make sure all the kids were safe he advised them that wife is a heavy pot smoker and he wants all her stuff confiscated and documented as well. Told him he wants it out of his house. At which point he walks them over to her stash and pulls out a garbage bag full of trimmings that are remnants from a dispensary as well as another gallon size freezer bag full of more. Cops were shocked and had to call supervisor to request permission not to have to take her in just based on the sheer volume. They left it at confiscating the marijuana and saying a report would be given to the DA to determine if they would prosecute as well as cps. They advised him not to let her stay in the home because she was an endangerment to the children. So when she came back to the house he told her what happened and to pack her bags and leave immediately. He took her phone, house keys, garage door opener, and told her not to come back to the house unless she set up a time to do so to get the rest of her stuff. So she did and left. He asked his mom to keep the kids last night. After talking to him most of the evening, still kinda shocked and him very shaken himself, he asked me' to come over and spend the night with him. Ive never been to his house. Met his family, but stayed away from their home. When I arrived all his story just fell into truths. He was physically tore up in marks all over him and the shirt he had on before was rui Ed from being so stretched at the collar. She had drug pariphanalia all over the house. Pipes, bongs, 6 lighters in her underwear drawer, even a fuzzy blanket with a pot leaf on it. He had also always said he never shared the bed with her...that he had been sleeping on either the sofa or an air matress for years, and sure enough there was an air mattress with a fitted sheet propped up against the living room wall, with blankets and pillows folded next to it on the ground. The next morning I jumped to the sound of banging on the window...and she was trying to get in the house. She started shouting through the window for him to open the door and let her in to get her stuff and just use the bathroom. He told her to leave or he was calling the cops...that she wasn't coming in the house. She then started to jump the fence and proceed to pull the screen off the window to get in. He had me' set in his kids room while he got her out of there. She climbed in and he started yelling at her to leave immediately. I could hear her scream g at him about turning in her drugs. She got irate. Heard him tell her to get her hands off of him. Then he called 911 and started to report her breaking in. She left.
desertIslandCactus Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 I'm speechless .. (for once) .. Except - stay away from the house KTD - until the divorce is final.
September Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 I'm speechless .. (for once) .. Except - stay away from the house KTD - until the divorce is final. HOLY ****e!! What a nightmare! I actually feel sorry for him. Drugs turn people evil, I have seen it first hand...
Fieldsofgold Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 I'm speechless .. (for once) .. Except - stay away from the house KTD - until the divorce is final. Yep, stay away from the house. Even better, stay away from him til the D is over, or you could find yourself dragged into the middle of it. Why would he allow all that around his children? Raises more questions than it answers.
Fieldsofgold Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 Why would he allow all that around his children? Raises more questions than it answers. Why would he feel he needed to give *her* a "fair chance?" Perhaps the pot didn't bother him as much as he acts like it does? Something doesn't quite add up. Maybe there is still more to the story.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 Yep, stay away from the house. Even better, stay away from him til the D is over, or you could find yourself dragged into the middle of it. Why would he allow all that around his children? Raises more questions than it answers. There's really not that much can be done unless you want a divorce. My XH was a heavy potsmoker and though he kept it in the garage and smoked there, as a spouse there is nothing you can do until you're ready to leave. GEL
my story Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 I agree you should not be in his house until D is finalized. It's too big a mess for you to get involved now, but I am sure you feel so bad for him that you want to be there for him. Be strong.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 KTD: I wouldn't stay away from my MM until his D is final, and I took my own advice. If you want to be with him, then be with him. You KNOW he's telling the truth now. I probably wouldn't stay away from the house either. She's been evicted and your MM has shown he has no problem calling the cops and getting her off the premises. Just be careful-she's a nutcase.
Fieldsofgold Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 KTD: Just be careful-she's a nutcase. Exactly! With all that true, I just don't understand why he felt he needed to give her a fair chance?
jennie-jennie Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 So all the planted seeds of doubt from LS posters were false. The MM was telling the truth the whole time. I am not surprised. I hope other OW/OM learn from this. Beware of those who try to poison your mind with distrust for your loved one. KTD, listen to GEL. I agree with her post. She's been there, done that. She knows.
jennie-jennie Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 I think the fact people, who advise OW to wait until the divorce is final, fail to realize is that the OW and the MM are already in a relationship. You don't just put a relationship on hold.
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 I know everyone's just looking out for my best interest, so i appreciate it. I plan on being there for him through whatever means he needs. Though I also plan on being guarded as well. I've been in an abusive relationship. It isn't that easy to cut ties especially when the person is very manipulative. He may very well still fall for her bs.
fooled once Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 Quite frankly, CPS can have a case against HIM too for allowing that in the house and putting those kids in danger. Doesn't matter if it wasn't "his" - he knew of it and yes, he and her can BOTH lose those kids. Sorry, but I find him pathetic for allowing all the drugs in the house AND for NOT being there for his kids. Can you image if one of those kids ingested the drugs, not knowing what they were? Can you image how many of them have been affected by the pot smoke in the house? Disgusting. IMHO, you would be a fool to insert yourself into all this while things are so messed up. Let him divorce and not drag you through it all. You can be a friend to him with out being a part of it all. And even though drugs were found, that does NOT mean he will get custody. Seen it too many times (I know a great deal about the court system as I have worked in that field - with the Department of Social Services). He still has an uphill battle; and he will have to explain to the court why he allowed a known drug user to be left alone and raising the kids, especially if it is found out that he was off having an affair and willingly leaving the kids with her. People post their views; I know some women don't like the fact that others heavily caution OW to not believe all they are told; but the statistics on here alone SHOW that MANY, MANY MM LIE to the OW; and not just the wife It is more the rule than the exception. Karma, be careful. I know you love this guy; but he has a lot of sorting out of things to do. Love him, care about him and want to be with him; but LET HIM sort it out. Be a friend to him; but do NOT continue to go to his home and for the love of God, do NOT start inserting yourself as "mom" to his kids nor let his kids know about you. It it TOO SOON and will do a lot of damage to them. They are already going to be having to deal with their parents and their drama, they do not need to have you around and wonder about you taking their dad away from them. They need stability and time to adjust. All this is just the beginning of a very long and drama filled journey. Good luck with dealing all this.
jthorne Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 Yep, stay away from the house. Even better, stay away from him til the D is over, or you could find yourself dragged into the middle of it. Why would he allow all that around his children? Raises more questions than it answers.I agree. More questions than answers. And I'm still trying to figure out exactly how those "seeds of doubt" are now invalid. So she's a drug user, he didn't lie about that. Big deal. He still made a pack of babies with her, knowing what she was, and he still threw KTD under the bus when he could have admitted there was someone else. He still told her she was FWB and nothing more. He still... Other than proof of the drugs, I don't see that anything has changed. Except now KTD has had sex (I presume) in the BS home, and inserted herself where she doesn't belong. So there was big drama at MM's house and the police were called. Did divorce papers get filed in the meantime? If not, the bus is still rolling. Proceed with caution.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 Quite frankly, CPS can have a case against HIM too for allowing that in the house and putting those kids in danger. Doesn't matter if it wasn't "his" - he knew of it and yes, he and her can BOTH lose those kids. Sorry, but I find him pathetic for allowing all the drugs in the house AND for NOT being there for his kids. Can you image if one of those kids ingested the drugs, not knowing what they were? Can you image how many of them have been affected by the pot smoke in the house? Disgusting. IMHO, you would be a fool to insert yourself into all this while things are so messed up. Let him divorce and not drag you through it all. You can be a friend to him with out being a part of it all. And even though drugs were found, that does NOT mean he will get custody. Seen it too many times (I know a great deal about the court system as I have worked in that field - with the Department of Social Services). He still has an uphill battle; and he will have to explain to the court why he allowed a known drug user to be left alone and raising the kids, especially if it is found out that he was off having an affair and willingly leaving the kids with her. People post their views; I know some women don't like the fact that others heavily caution OW to not believe all they are told; but the statistics on here alone SHOW that MANY, MANY MM LIE to the OW; and not just the wife It is more the rule than the exception. Karma, be careful. I know you love this guy; but he has a lot of sorting out of things to do. Love him, care about him and want to be with him; but LET HIM sort it out. Be a friend to him; but do NOT continue to go to his home and for the love of God, do NOT start inserting yourself as "mom" to his kids nor let his kids know about you. It it TOO SOON and will do a lot of damage to them. They are already going to be having to deal with their parents and their drama, they do not need to have you around and wonder about you taking their dad away from them. They need stability and time to adjust. All this is just the beginning of a very long and drama filled journey. Good luck with dealing all this. Why do spouses not leave when infidelity is staring them in the face? For the same reason: IT'S HARD TO LEAVE. CPS can't do anything to MM. Even if the lady had a pound there's not much that can be done with Marijuana, contrary to popular belief. Unless there is enough for her to be charged with distribution, it's a misdemeanor. Like it or not. CPS only steps in with severe abuse cases. Unfortunately, there is little to be done in a case like this unless the mother makes a case against herself with constant arrests and it can be documented. But that would be against her, not MM. It makes a better case for MM for custody reasons. Don't try and scare KTB. GEL
GreenEyedLady Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 KTB: Some people also hate when posters post support and encouragement and don't tell the poster to wait til the ink is dry. Why? Because they don't like that a spouse was stolen or because they didn't get THEIR man. Do what you feel in your heart you should do. You'll find support from many here. PM whoever you feel comfortable with. I supported my man because I loved him. I didn't care what other people said, here or in real life. The road is hard and bumpy but like anything worth having, in the end it was worth it to me. I acted in a way that was true to myself-my heart and my soul. Act true to yourself, no matter what that may be. And be aware. Be safe and protect yourself. And if you ask many OW off the record, many have been to their MM homes at some point. So don't think that any of the OW judge you for that. We understand. GEL
whichwayisup Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 The next morning I jumped to the sound of banging on the window...and she was trying to get in the house. She started shouting through the window for him to open the door and let her in to get her stuff and just use the bathroom. He told her to leave or he was calling the cops...that she wasn't coming in the house. She then started to jump the fence and proceed to pull the screen off the window to get in. He had me' set in his kids room while he got her out of there. She climbed in and he started yelling at her to leave immediately. I could hear her scream g at him about turning in her drugs. She got irate. Heard him tell her to get her hands off of him. Then he called 911 and started to report her breaking in. She left. I just need to ask, why you are there and involved so quickly? Those kids, how awful for them but how do they feel with you in their house now? I mean, all this JUST went down and you're sleeping over there already? Sorry ,I really don't mean to sound judgemental, i'm not judging you, but is it wise to be this close to the situation with all that's going on? She's out of her rocker, what if she tries to go after you?
whichwayisup Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 I wouldn't stay away from my MM until his D is final, Gel, it's one thing to quietly keep seeing your MM while he is finalizing his D, it's another to have sleepovers RIGHT AFTER his wife left and all this stuff going on. It JUST happened and she's sleeping over there, being around their kids? Those kids have to come first right now. And if that means K staying away from MM and his wife's house, being around their children, then that's what has to happen. Even if the circumstances were different, going into the marital house so quickly and being around the kids like seconds after, is just plain wrong and not fair to those little ones.
whichwayisup Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 CPS can't do anything to MM. Actually they can. He knowingly left his wife alone with the kids, knowing she was doing drugs and whatever else. Overnights and being away from the house during his affair. Maybe they aren't goign to take the kids away from him but they can question why on earth he did nothing and left the kids in her care while he was out. Those kids will need counselling and he needs to be there for them as much as possible. not saying you will, but I hope you slow things down with him. He's a mess, and has alot to sort out and deal with.
fooled once Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 Why do spouses not leave when infidelity is staring them in the face? For the same reason: IT'S HARD TO LEAVE. CPS can't do anything to MM. Even if the lady had a pound there's not much that can be done with Marijuana, contrary to popular belief. Unless there is enough for her to be charged with distribution, it's a misdemeanor. Like it or not. CPS only steps in with severe abuse cases. Unfortunately, there is little to be done in a case like this unless the mother makes a case against herself with constant arrests and it can be documented. But that would be against her, not MM. It makes a better case for MM for custody reasons. Don't try and scare KTB. GEL Actually GEL, you are wrong. Marijuana is illegal. Depending on the quantity, it can be classified as a felony. Additionally, if both parents knew of the drugs in the house, BOTH parents can be charged with possession. Scare her? Heck yes she should be scared. Please don't give inaccurate advice regarding possession and drugs. There is a lot involved in cases where CPS is involved - children can be removed immediately or they can be removed after an investigation. I DO know what I am talking about. As someone posted on another thread, some OW want other OW to join their misery club, which is why they are so quick to tell them to hang in there and allow themselves to be treated poorly. I would think ANYONE would want a fellow friend (even an internet friend) to be on guard, especially in situations where there have been lies, minimizing and now drugs and police. What is MOST important are the children of this married couple; not the OW, not the MM and not the wife. The CHILDREN are the ones who need protecting, they need stability and they need to know that the parent left raising them are focused on them, not on their next intimate encounter. The OW is a grown adult; she knows that dating a MM is not the best decision and I would hope and pray that involving herself in the middle of another couple's divorce and all the drama surrounding it is something she doesn't need so she can "stand by her man". There are ways to support him without invading the home of the children and without pushing herself into the situation. It is called respect for the kids and their lives. So many are so afraid that if they aren't up the butts of the MM, he will not "choose them". What is very telling in this story is the fact that the MM dumped the OW, telling her he wanted to give his wife another chance. That should be telling the OW something. Perfect opportunity to leave, and he doesn't. And if the wife begs and pleads for yet another chance....wonder if the MM will give it. This is why I think KTD is going to glue herself to the MM - so he won't give his wife another chance or allow himself to be talked into reconciling. The fact that he didn't walk away, shows me he isn't emotionally ready to be done with his wife. As an OW, that would make me leary, not wanting to get too close for when/if he does that again.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 I just need to ask, why you are there and involved so quickly? Those kids, how awful for them but how do they feel with you in their house now? I mean, all this JUST went down and you're sleeping over there already? Sorry ,I really don't mean to sound judgemental, i'm not judging you, but is it wise to be this close to the situation with all that's going on? She's out of her rocker, what if she tries to go after you? Because she's in a R with him and has been for some time. That's what people in R's do. They don't just leave when the other person needs them most. What if, what if, what if? What if everything turns out fine? Why isn't that a possible what if? Because of stats? Sorry stats don't mean anything to an individual. It's only their outcome that matters. And now that a MM has left, everyone is now saying leave him alone. That is the answer to everything on this forum, leave him alone. It's proven that he's telling the truth and that he left and still the answer is leave him alone. Sorry, don't agree. BTDT and I have the ring now. Sometimes they do love the OW, they leave and they NEVER go back. Why isn't that ever given as an outcome? It's no wonder that more MM don't leave. As soon as they do, the women they're with and love goes NC until the divorce is final. That sounds like great partner material. But maybe that is the ulterior motive. Because OW define morality the way they choose too, maybe some don't think they deserve the ends. So the more distrust and doubt they can spread, the better. Because maybe the OW and the MM don't deserve to ever be together. They are never to be forgiven or to live a happy life because they were together when they shouldn't have been. Sounds like a different type of Salem to me. GEL
whichwayisup Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 Yet before his wife went nuts and all this happened, he made a choice, he ended things with Karma and went back home. All I suggested is, she stay away from the kids and keep things quiet and slow it down. Just my opinion, like yours and everyone else's, am allowed. At the end of the day, Karma and MM need to be able to sleep at night, knowing that they're handling this the proper way. The fair way and honestly, I think MOST would agree, her being in the house during this time isn't a wise choice. The kids need to come first. Bottomline.
whichwayisup Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 Sorry, don't agree. BTDT and I have the ring now. Sometimes they do love the OW, they leave and they NEVER go back. Why isn't that ever given as an outcome? Yes, it is. You are living proof. Yet you also have no problem suggesting an OW leave and not wait around if a MM isn't following through on promises. Yes, sometimes it works out and it's great. Obviously it happens. In this case, the MM ended the A, and chose his wife and kids. This guy is messed up, he's been in an abusive marriage for a long time. HE isn't thinkin clearly. This man needs to sort stuff out. IF there isn't a transition and things don't slow down, their relationship isn't going to be a healthy one. The way this guy copes with stuff, the way he reacts, thinks - ALL needs to be worked on and dealt with.
Fieldsofgold Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 Because she's in a R with him and has been for some time. That's what people in R's do. They don't just leave when the other person needs them most. What if, what if, what if? What if everything turns out fine? Why isn't that a possible what if? Because of stats? Sorry stats don't mean anything to an individual. It's only their outcome that matters. And now that a MM has left, everyone is now saying leave him alone. That is the answer to everything on this forum, leave him alone. It's proven that he's telling the truth and that he left and still the answer is leave him alone. Sorry, don't agree. BTDT and I have the ring now. Sometimes they do love the OW, they leave and they NEVER go back. Why isn't that ever given as an outcome? It's no wonder that more MM don't leave. As soon as they do, the women they're with and love goes NC until the divorce is final. That sounds like great partner material. But maybe that is the ulterior motive. Because OW define morality the way they choose too, maybe some don't think they deserve the ends. So the more distrust and doubt they can spread, the better. Because maybe the OW and the MM don't deserve to ever be together. They are never to be forgiven or to live a happy life because they were together when they shouldn't have been. Sounds like a different type of Salem to me. GEL My concern is that the man one day is willing to hurt KTD, telling basically that she is just FWB, and that he wants to give his W a fair chance. All that went on that day didn't sound like the MM had any love or concern for KTD. 24 hours later, he and wife have had a blow-up, and separate. My concern is that a blow-up may not be as permanent a separation as a well-thought-out separation. Things done in the heat of the moment and all. Especially after all he had said to KTD the day before. I very much want KTD to be happy and well, and I want the same for all involved. If the MM really loves KTD, and will be good to her, who could ask for more? I'm just concerned that what he said one day, might still be true the next day. I have no doubt that he NEEDS KTD right now. But need is not love. I am concerned that his feelings for KTD did not change overnigt, even with the blow-up wih the W. Just looking at it rationally. Because I DO want KTD to be happy!
jthorne Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 Well, some of us didn't marry cheaters or former cheaters. I know I married a man of integrity that could beat the pants off all the other men I've been involved with, combined. So, sure, my perspective and tolerance for bullcrap is different. If KTD were standing in front of me, my perspective would be the same. If the guy in question were actually separated, my perspective would be the same. If the guy were by Grace of God, actually divorced with a druggie xW, my perspective would be the same. PROCEED WITH CAUTION. Now, I have babies to feed, and a hubby to smooch, so I bid you good evening. (And still say to watch out for that bus.)
Recommended Posts