Plastikk Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 The wife and I are currently working on the paperwork to file for divorce. She fell "in love" with another man... read more about it in my other thread. Anyway we both come from divorced families and we know how it feels as kids of a divorce. We once vowed that we would never get a divorce because we know what it feels like. She kind of threw that out the window. So here is the question of the day: Did you have the feeling that you were going to ruin your child's life forever by getting a divorce and if you did (which I do) how did you get over it?
trippi1432 Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 The wife and I are currently working on the paperwork to file for divorce. She fell "in love" with another man... read more about it in my other thread. Anyway we both come from divorced families and we know how it feels as kids of a divorce. We once vowed that we would never get a divorce because we know what it feels like. She kind of threw that out the window. So here is the question of the day: Did you have the feeling that you were going to ruin your child's life forever by getting a divorce and if you did (which I do) how did you get over it? You don't...you try to stay on the same page and forget that it's about you....it's about your child now. I spent 20 minutes on the phone yesterday with my ex making sure we were on the same page...and in the end, everything my son spun was a lot of lies. Then again he and his dad are good at spinning those these days. My concern is our son..in the end, that is all that matters.
Dad_of_2_great_boys Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 I wrestle with this dilemma constantly. For me it was the worst when I decided to file. I cannot be true to myself and allow the adultery to continue. As I explained to my sons when we told them we were going to be separating and living apart: "I cannot be the dad you need when I am unhappy around your mother" "When the three of us are together (2 boys and I) things are terrific and I am there for you at my best 100%. This is not the same when you mother is around me." My shrink and I are going through an explanation of "Bowen's theory" where by the troubles between spouses impact the children (Triangulation). I know it will not be in there best interests if my wife and I remain together. Painful as it is - it is still for their long-term good. I am sorry for you and offer my prayers for you and your child.
MemphisMan Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 I wrestle with this dilemma constantly. For me it was the worst when I decided to file. I cannot be true to myself and allow the adultery to continue. As I explained to my sons when we told them we were going to be separating and living apart: "I cannot be the dad you need when I am unhappy around your mother" "When the three of us are together (2 boys and I) things are terrific and I am there for you at my best 100%. This is not the same when you mother is around me." My shrink and I are going through an explanation of "Bowen's theory" where by the troubles between spouses impact the children (Triangulation). I know it will not be in there best interests if my wife and I remain together. Painful as it is - it is still for their long-term good. I am sorry for you and offer my prayers for you and your child. I am so sorry. let me preface by saying i am not currently seeking divorce from my wife. We have 2 beautiful children. A niece we adopted when she was 4, now 8yrs-old and a son of our own who just celebrated his 3rd birthday. We are living in separated homes not knowing what the future may bring. After only 5 weeks the kids began to show some emotional trauma from the separation. I work in the healthcare field and was always told to explain the situation on an age-appropriate level. It is so hard when they are young/ I am from a divorced family. A strict catholic upbringing. I felt responsible for my parents divorce when I was only 15 years old. Currently my wife and I are trying to let our beautiful children know they need not change a thing. They are perfect. Its hard but we do love each other and we genuinely express that feeling to the kids. We let them know that an absecnce of a parent is not a reflection upon them but a reflection upon duties not fulfilled by husband and wife. The children only strengthen our resolve to be better people, lovers, spouses. This is such a fragile time. Hold your children if it were your last breath. Encourage the fact they are indeen held to normal standars by 2 parents who love them dearly.
Author Plastikk Posted October 12, 2010 Author Posted October 12, 2010 I spent 20 minutes on the phone yesterday with my ex making sure we were on the same page...and in the end, everything my son spun was a lot of lies. Then again he and his dad are good at spinning those these days. My concern is our son..in the end, that is all that matters. Trippi, I am sorry that you are being lied to by the dad. I am going through a lot of lies myself with the mother. It begins to get hard to tell what is the truth and what is not. I want to thank you all for your kind words. We are currently filing the paperwork and right now it is a lot harder to imagine what she is thinking. I think the only thing I have going for me is that she is so young (almost 2) that by the time its all said and done its all she will know. I hate the thought that she will only know us (mom and I) as separate people instead of that loving caring household. I know that it is for the best to move on and get this finished before she gets old enough to remember. It will be better in the long run.
Minnie09 Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 I am constantly struggling with the reality of my son growing up in a broken home. Whether or not I am trying to make his life as pleasant and normal as I possibly can, it WILL affect him somehow and it will influence his relationships as an adult. What I'm trying to do is keep the greater picture in mind; the fact that he won't witness a negative marriage, a father disrespecting his mother, verbal abuse etc. I did try to keep that from him while we were still living under the same roof, but even though he's still little, it is flabbergasting how utterly aware he actually was of everything going on around him subconsciously. This is what I got him out of. This toxic home. And while I have no respect and love left for his father, I'm still trying to be fair and keep him in my son's life. And what really relieves me is that in today's society kids of divorced parents are no longer treated like outcasts. That makes coping a lot easier.
trippi1432 Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Hi Plastikk - I will have to go back and look at your other thread, but it's not an easy place where you are at. There is no easy answer, nor is there a right age for the kids. I remember my dad telling me that he thought I was old enough when he left that I would be fine (I was 12). Recalling my own past and how hard it was and also seeing my own teenage son go through it, I just try. My daughter was 3 when her father left, I actually think that was easier on her, but would have been better for her if her father had been a part of her life. Today, I can say that I am blessed with 2 dads and 2 moms as they compliment each other very well. Took some mistakes to get it right, we all suffered for that really, but it's also hard to tell how it would have all turned out had it been different.
Author Plastikk Posted October 12, 2010 Author Posted October 12, 2010 I am going to do my best to keep the mother in her life. I am willing to do anything for my daughter and if that means dealing with the pain of seeing my ex then that is what I will do. She needs a mother in her life. Its nice to know that there are other parents out there who are making it work.
bestplayer Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 I am going to do my best to keep the mother in her life. I am willing to do anything for my daughter and if that means dealing with the pain of seeing my ex then that is what I will do. She needs a mother in her life. Its nice to know that there are other parents out there who are making it work. Great attitude .keep it up.
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