amy12344 Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 Ok, my partner of 7 years works a LOT, close to 70 hours per week. When he gets home, he is tired, and this continues into the morning. He has a stressful job and often acts miserable, possibly even depressed. We have sex maybe 5 times a year, because he is rarely home and when he is, he likes to have a few drinks and then goes promptly to bed. He complains that I am not supportive of him going out to the bars with his friends. He likes to get drunk and stay out until closing time. I would be more supportive of it if I had the intimacy I need from this relationship. I feel completely rejected, neglected and his last priority. We are essentially roomates, I feel. There is so sex, hugging, cuddling or kissing. AM I wrong to want him to be more intimate and put me before his friends? I think this relationship is over.
redmelon Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 I think you are well within reason to feel pissed off and fed up.
Author amy12344 Posted October 9, 2010 Author Posted October 9, 2010 He says he BECAME distant and unhappy as a RESULT of me not being enthusiastic about him going out with his friends drinking. Of course we could do the "chicken and the egg" all day long but the bottom line is that I am heartbroken, and can sit in the other room crying for an hour and he won't come in to comfort me. I will try and try to reason with him and get him to understand my viewpoint and he just gets defensive. I spent the night in a hotel room not too long ago out of utter frustration, and he didn't care where I was, or attempt to convince me to come home. If he feels ANY love for me, he does not convey it.
redmelon Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 your situation sounds awful. I hope it's gotten to that time when you are tired of it and ready to call it quits. It sounds like you've done all you can to try and communicate how you feel. What is the reason to stay?
Author amy12344 Posted October 9, 2010 Author Posted October 9, 2010 I question if I am "in the wrong". Should I keep my mouth shut and let him go out with the boys? Am I being too controlling or demanding? Do I have false hopes that he will realize how much he loves me? I do have two kids - if leaving didn't mean disrupting their lives, I'd start packing tonight.
redmelon Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 I question if I am "in the wrong". Should I keep my mouth shut and let him go out with the boys? Am I being too controlling or demanding? Do I have false hopes that he will realize how much he loves me? I do have two kids - if leaving didn't mean disrupting their lives, I'd start packing tonight. I don't think restricting him has accomplished anything, so why bother? I don't think you are in the wrong, hardly. It sounds like he won't come to his senses unless his life is disrupted (by you leaving or asking him to leave), if at all. Your kids likely know there are problems, and at least they wouldn't be subjected to that energy anymore.
Author amy12344 Posted October 9, 2010 Author Posted October 9, 2010 I should rephrase that... it's not as though I stop him, I just get frustrated and I let him know it. He equates it to me "making him feel guilty". You're absolutely right though about not accomplishing anything. He has tunnel vision and only thinks about what makes him happy.
Spark1111 Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 Well, if everytime you tell him what you need, he makes you feel guilty for telling him....you are in big trouble, my friend. Is that what you want? Because you need to define what you want, tell him kindly and ask him to meet those needs. he has to do the same for you. If drinking with the guys is more important than making you happy, having a happier relationship together, that's a problem. If it is a deal breaker for you, you need to inform him. These things, like all else in a relationship, need to be negotiated kindly together. Good luck to you.
crazedteacher Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 He takes you for granted. Leave him, life is too short. Trust me!
luvstarved Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 I think it is quite relevant and surprised nobody has asked: HOW OFTEN is this "drinking out late with the boys" going on? Twice a week, twice a month? If it is once a week or less and does not practically interfere with your life then he might have a point. It sucks that he works so much, and would be nice if that could be lessened somewhat??? Obviously he feels ragged on about it...and "unsupported". DOES he have a point? I am not saying he does or does not but that you should ask yourself that. You might feel that he is already gone 70 hours a week working, and should therefore spend his precious available time at home. He might feel that he works his fanny off and is entitled to some unwinding time on his own with friends. One of you might be right, or the truth could be in the middle. I think that he is entitled to some "him" time but that he also has to be senstive to how that affects you, and show some love and care for your feelings and point of view.
whichwayisup Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 (edited) Ok, my partner of 7 years works a LOT, close to 70 hours per week. When he gets home, he is tired, and this continues into the morning. He has a stressful job and often acts miserable, possibly even depressed. We have sex maybe 5 times a year, because he is rarely home and when he is, he likes to have a few drinks and then goes promptly to bed. He complains that I am not supportive of him going out to the bars with his friends. He likes to get drunk and stay out until closing time. I would be more supportive of it if I had the intimacy I need from this relationship. I feel completely rejected, neglected and his last priority. We are essentially roomates, I feel. There is so sex, hugging, cuddling or kissing. AM I wrong to want him to be more intimate and put me before his friends? I think this relationship is over. Print this out and show it to your partner. He need to see how close you are to calling it quits. Maybe he just needs a swift kick in the pants to wake up! Tell him how you feel and why. Tell him what you expect of him and how you hope together you two can reconnect, and find that passion you once shared years ago. It's there, it's just buried due to resentments and growing apart. It takes two to make it work. IF he isn't willing to go all out and be a better lover, a better partner to you and you're unhappy, then maybe it is time to throw in the towel. He does sound selfish and immature, putting himself first all the time. After 7 years, he needs to shape up or ship out. Edited October 10, 2010 by whichwayisup
luvstarved Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 Print this out and show it to your partner. He need to see how close you are to calling it quits. Maybe he just needs a swift kick in the pants to wake up! Tell him how you feel and why. Tell him what you expect of him and how you hope together you two can reconnect, and find that passion you once shared years ago. It's there, it's just buried due to resentments and growing apart. It takes two to make it work. IF he isn't willing to go all out and be a better lover, a better partner to you and you're unhappy, then maybe it is time to throw in the towel. He does sound selfish and immature, putting himself first all the time. After 7 years, he needs to shape up or ship out. Well I still think there is a little chicken and egg mystery here. She also said he claims that he grew distant because she did not support his desire to go out with friends. This does happen and it could be a basic misunderstanding or situation that just needs some negotiating. People do withdraw from others at times because of what they think the other person is thinking without the benefit of finding out what the other person is actually thinking. Yes it is true that with the lack of affection there is damage to repair...but it is still unclear to me that there is one distinct jerk here. She is right to want his time and participation but a man working 70 hours a week is also right to want some kickback time with friends. That's why I want to know, what is she objecting to? Gone every night with the boys? Or does she give him crap about it no matter how infrequent it is? I'm not sure either of them are seeing the other's point of view. Maybe he is a selfish jerk but I don't have enough info to really understand what is going on.
Feelin Frisky Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 He sounds like a drunken douche. You deserve to be loved--not blamed for not supporting his beer calls with the guys. Cut your losses as soon as you can and give yourself a chance with someone who deserves you.
Author amy12344 Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 thanks so much everybody for your input!! I'll try and answer some of the questions. I also want to know - he is approaching age 40 - isn't it time he "grew out of" going to the bars and drinking for 5, 6 , 7 hours straight and rolling in the door at 3 a.m.??? I would be so supportive if he went out, had a few pints, and came home after maybe 3 or 4 hours. Is that not reasonable???? To whichwayisup, he is ready to call it quits as much as I am. I believe he is clinically depressed - he is miserable every day, cannot sleep through the night, detached from the relationship and kids, and is always exhausted. WHenever I try and address this possibility, he throws the focus back on me - how I am the problem. I said "this" four months ago. I did "this" 7 months ago. He says he is holding anger and resentment for our spats that happened in the past, but I think he is really just not wanting to look at himself. I can sum up the issue in one tidy sentence, (he behaves as though he is depressed, drinks far too much [gets drunk 4x or more per week], and is completely detached from home life/relationship/kids) where as he struggles to defend his "argument" with broad accusations and judgments.
luvstarved Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 Well I wish relationships were all this simple. Your original post asked if you were "wrong". A major complaint about your SO is his defensiveness. In most recent post, you claim that you are both ready to call it quits. Sounds to me like you both want out, so get out. The only residual question that seems to be of interest to either of you is, who's right? The answer to that is, who gives a s**t?
nycgirl6 Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Sounds to me like you are living with an alcoholic. My personal preference for myself and my family is to NOT live with an alcoholic.
mitchell Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 I don't think his behaviour is "normal". Not too many 40 year old guys with a family at home want to go out drinking regularly with the boys. This sounds like juvenile behaviour. I suspect he is just using this excuse as a way to avoid you and his family responsibilities at home. I'm not sure how you can live with such detachment. Leaving might be disruptive, but your present situation sounds unbearable.
Author amy12344 Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 I guess if I am "wrong", I need to work on some things about myself, and would commit to staying in the relationship. If HE is "wrong", and he justifies his position and won't budge or compromise, then that would validate my decision to leave. I just don't want to make a mistake in leaving an otherwise great guy, if I am the one to blame for his detachment. We both are on the fence - we want to make it work, but are unsure if we can. He claims he loves me and I know I still love him. It may look simple from the outside. Maybe it is. I don't know. Perhaps I am clinging to the small percentage of times when things are great.
AugustFool Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 I think this relationship is over. Do you want it to be over? Is he the man you want to be with? He doesn't sound too willing to change and you're certainly not satisfied with who he's acting like now. Don't ransom off the rest of your life simply because you've invested so much time and energy already. You'll never get the columns balanced with that approach. Good luck, sweety.
Minnie09 Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 "I just don't want to make a mistake in leaving an otherwise great guy, if I am the one to blame for his detachment." "We both are on the fence - we want to make it work, but are unsure if we can. He claims he loves me and I know I still love him." This sounds like there's still a basis there. Have you considered MC at all?
luvstarved Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Aha! When it comes to it, you don't seem so certain about it being over. Until your last post, you did not convey the "otherwise great guy" part AT ALL. So maybe the answers aren't so simple, but the questions may be simpler than you think. It isn't about who is "wrong" at all. As long as you are trying to resolve these things through blame or "identifying the more flawed one", you won't get far. It is about needs and feelings and whether you two can work together to meet each other's needs SUFFICIENTLY and have your own needs met SUFFICIENTLY to allow happiness in the relationship. Needs and feelings are not "wrong". They just ARE. You need sex, intimacy, cuddling. He needs space, unwind time. Whatever they are, the first step is not to identify whose unmet needs are the "correct" ones. The first step is to acknowledge that you each have them, and to try to approach things from a sense that the other's needs are as important as one's own. Then you can try to express your needs, which are not met, and figure out what can and cannot change so that each need's are better met. You can't meet all of his needs, and he can't meet all of yours. But trying to understand each other and do what you CAN to meet the other's needs shows that you care and are willing to work together to make things better, though never perfect. MC I agree could help a lot with this. We also found a relationship needs assessment online that helped...it revealed our basic similarities and differences in needs (there is a book His Needs Her Needs that I read and found value in, but it is somewhat faith-based and tends to draw things along stereotypical gender lines, both of which you can filter out and/or adjust for your situation). There ARE things that are objectively "wrong" in a relationship. Abuse, addiction, etc. But not enough sex, not enough time alone, not enough time together, in the absence of severe issues like abuse can be resolved if both parties are open-minded, genuinely caring and willing to do the work to understand and accept each other.
Author amy12344 Posted October 12, 2010 Author Posted October 12, 2010 It was actually him that suggested couples counseling, and I agreed - we think our relationship deserves this one last chance. (What is "MC"? I'm guessing marriage counseling?) Yes, he does have some great things about him - but I think I also have abandonment and/or codependency issues. WHen I am "fed up", I feel strong and justified in dissolving the relationship. But then the fears and insecurities take over and I second-guess everything. Luvstarved you are absolutely spot on with trying to meet each others needs rather than play the blame game. Logically I totally understand this - it's just so hard to do!!! For ME anyway. I would like to complete the relationship needs assessment online you mentioned. Do you have a link? Thank you again for all of your thoughts, it's so helpful, and I definitely appreciate the different perspectives.
luvstarved Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 It was actually him that suggested couples counseling, and I agreed - we think our relationship deserves this one last chance. (What is "MC"? I'm guessing marriage counseling?) Yes, he does have some great things about him - but I think I also have abandonment and/or codependency issues. WHen I am "fed up", I feel strong and justified in dissolving the relationship. But then the fears and insecurities take over and I second-guess everything. Luvstarved you are absolutely spot on with trying to meet each others needs rather than play the blame game. Logically I totally understand this - it's just so hard to do!!! For ME anyway. I would like to complete the relationship needs assessment online you mentioned. Do you have a link? Thank you again for all of your thoughts, it's so helpful, and I definitely appreciate the different perspectives. Correct guess on MC. It is very hard to do the logical thing, I fail at it all the time, but if you can at least try, and then reflect/do damage control when you fail, you will make progress and it will get easier over time. Resentments build up. We all have selfish moments, we all fail at treating our SO with love and respect at times. Perfect communication is not going to happen, but it can improve greatly and am glad to hear that you are both up for MC. It helps me a lot to really try to see the other's point of view, while factoring in the things that are known "weaknesses"...e.g., my H can be pretty thoughtless at times, but I do know that he isn't being malicious, just ... thoughtless! A lot of it gets down to intent for me. Both my H and I have things that bother the other, but we are learning that nobody is perfect, and that the things we do that are frustrating to the other are just a part of us. That does not give anyone carte blance to embrace their flaws, but it does buy you some slack as you strive to improve. I really do feel in your case that what is happening boils down to a lot of misunderstanding. It also helps me sometimes instead of getting angry with my H, to try to understand why he is doing the thing he is doing to bother me. Sometimes, I conclude that wanting a change is fair and reasonable, other times I conclude that it isn't too much to be expected to tolerate...and proceed accordingly. I will try to find the link on needs assessment. I looked for about 5 minutes and did not find it right away...but I wanted to find it again for myself (thought it would be interesting for my H and I to do it again and compare results with the one we did 2 years ago). Your H's willingness to participate in MC is a FANTASTIC sign.
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