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After our 10th date last week he hasn't asked me out, but has sent 3 msgs this wk

Girlygirl1977

By Girlygirl1977
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2sunny Established Member

2sunny

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I am not waiting. i went on a setup date last wk friday (coffee) and last night i was out and met an interesting guy - hope he calls. So no I am not waiting per se at all. I'm going back out there and looking for someone new/interesting and enjoying my life.

 

I'm not one to sit at home and do nothing and have a busy life. I'm traveling for work tomorrow for 2 days to a resort (yes and it is for work). You may be getting a different impression of me than I am.

 

I just feel like I don't want to be that predictable woman that calls and tells of a guy. I don't know what it gets me really. you know? Isn't going back out and living better?

 

I don't know what his issue is but I think everything comes out in the wash. My mind is a relatively good place and calling him and telling him off I dont think improves that. What does it get me?

 

i never said tell him off. i would never suggest handing him all that power.

 

i suggested telling him your truth. big difference.

dispatch3d Established Member

dispatch3d

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this thread is silly.

 

You are passing on a guy because he was busy for one weekend.

 

you also didn't act mad directly or show any hint of this being a problem.

 

You are also being passive-aggressive which I hate.

 

Lol I don't know what else to say.

TaurusTerp Established Member

TaurusTerp

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Seriously...good luck being miserable for the rest of your life. WTF is this?

Angel1111 Established Member

Angel1111

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this thread is silly.

 

You are passing on a guy because he was busy for one weekend.

 

you also didn't act mad directly or show any hint of this being a problem.

 

You are also being passive-aggressive which I hate.

 

Lol I don't know what else to say.

 

It's not because he's busy for one weekend. It's because he has been evasive about what he's doing, and he's using a method of contacting her in a way that is weak when they should be more connected than that by now. Pretty much any guy here will tell you that what this guy is doing is seeing another girl, while keeping OP on the sidelines. And if he isn't, he has given OP good reason to suspect it, or at the minimum, to conclude that she's not that important to him. Any guy who thinks that impersonal texts for several days to someone he's been dating for 2 mos and having sex with is ok, is nuts. Excusing this kind of thing is exactly why women stay bad relationships. You call it passive-aggressive, I would call it not wasting time on such a person.

Edited by Angel1111
Str8noChaser Established Member

Str8noChaser

Posted
Posted
It's not because he's busy for one weekend. It's because he has been evasive about what he's doing, and he's using a method of contacting her in a way that is weak when they should be more connected than that by now. Pretty much any guy here will tell you that what this guy is doing is seeing another girl, while keeping OP on the sidelines. And if he isn't, he has given OP good reason to suspect it, or at the minimum, to conclude that she's not that important to him.

 

OP already stated they are no exclusive.

 

 

Any guy who thinks that impersonal texts for several days to someone he's been dating for 2 mos and having sex with is ok, is nuts.

 

Huh?

 

OP also stated: "We use text generally most and then phone to plan dates after we decide."

 

Excusing this kind of thing is exactly why women stay bad relationships. You call it passive-aggressive, I would call it not wasting time on such a person.

 

How did you get this was a bad relationship because the guy had a busy weekend and then they went back to their regular mode of communication? Except without a hard date planned?

 

Sorry to sidetrack GG, back to you:

 

there are things that did make me think I wanted to end this on my own 2 wks ago even bc I told my friends that and then he invited me to yankee game and I thought that was fun so I continued.

 

I've had some red/pink flags along the way but now I can see it very clearly.

 

Sounds like you already made up you're mind and hopefully it wasn't based on him having a busy weekend. Sounds like you had some things happen you weren't comfortable about and if that's the case, continue dating and meeting others as you bring this relationship to an end.

waynebrady Established Member

waynebrady

Posted
Posted
It's not because he's busy for one weekend. It's because he has been evasive about what he's doing, and he's using a method of contacting her in a way that is weak when they should be more connected than that by now. Pretty much any guy here will tell you that what this guy is doing is seeing another girl, while keeping OP on the sidelines. And if he isn't, he has given OP good reason to suspect it, or at the minimum, to conclude that she's not that important to him. Any guy who thinks that impersonal texts for several days to someone he's been dating for 2 mos and having sex with is ok, is nuts. Excusing this kind of thing is exactly why women stay bad relationships. You call it passive-aggressive, I would call it not wasting time on such a person.

 

Well atleast he put in alot more effort than the OP. He initiated the texts, he initiated and planned almost every date, he put in pretty much all the effort.

dispatch3d Established Member

dispatch3d

Posted
Posted
It's not because he's busy for one weekend. It's because he has been evasive about what he's doing, and he's using a method of contacting her in a way that is weak when they should be more connected than that by now. Pretty much any guy here will tell you that what this guy is doing is seeing another girl, while keeping OP on the sidelines. And if he isn't, he has given OP good reason to suspect it, or at the minimum, to conclude that she's not that important to him. Any guy who thinks that impersonal texts for several days to someone he's been dating for 2 mos and having sex with is ok, is nuts. Excusing this kind of thing is exactly why women stay bad relationships. You call it passive-aggressive, I would call it not wasting time on such a person.

 

Well it is passive aggressive. You can't really call it anything else. I mean, avoiding conflict is a lot easier than confronting any conflict.

 

It takes two people to communicate poorly. I'd say they are both contributing equally here, it's not just his fault. Which I guess is why I think this is silly. If you communicated your problem with this then he still was evasive that's one thing.

 

As it is, it's like because you've been on 10 dates you feel you have the right to know exactly what he's doing on the weekend, or to have at least some of his time. Otherwise your out. Well, if you had stated that and he still disobeyed/act evasive then sure I can get on board. However, none of this is stipulated/said/whatever at all.

 

It's not like if you brought it up, why can't i see you this weekend, that he wouldn't act evasive if he did have a date. He may say it outright, he may not (he probably won't). I just think penalizing a guy for a phantom problem is very silly. You have very very little proof that the reason he's busy is because of a girl. That's just your biggest fear. It's much more likely he has a lot of work, got invited to a bunch of social events, is at a conference. It doesn't take all weekend to go on a date with someone. I'd say a date is the least likely reason. If all he had was a date he could have penciled you in the other day (if his date is saturday, he could do it friday).

 

So that's why I'm just not seeing the sense in this.

dispatch3d Established Member

dispatch3d

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furthermore, if she was a guy and he was a girl, the responses in this thread would be 100% different. I realize it would be an entirely different situation, but guys would literally be telling the guy to chill out, call her in a couple days, it's probably nothing major.

 

Actually, switching the roles in this scenario is pretty entertaining, and lends some light as to why it's so hard to apply a girls knowledge to guys situation..and probably vice versa (hell if I know tho!) :)

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

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I went on several dates with this guy and last wk Thursday was our last date

 

i'm unclear about what you mean when you say "last Thursday" - has ONE weekend passed now or TWO weekends? you posted on the 9TH - was your last date Thursday the 30th of Sept or Thursday the 7th of October?

 

my response was based upon two weekends passing...

 

please clarify.

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Girlygirl1977 Established Member

Girlygirl1977

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i'm unclear about what you mean when you say "last Thursday" - has ONE weekend passed now or TWO weekends? you posted on the 9TH - was your last date Thursday the 30th of Sept or Thursday the 7th of October?

 

my response was based upon two weekends passing...

 

please clarify.

 

Yes you are right two weekends have passed. And he even sent me a msg during this wknd. I think that's why it is foolish to me - I responded to the first msgs starting mon last wk bc sometimes that's how we communicate anyway and then he will ask when I'm free and then we would talk on the phone to plan.

 

So I thought he was warming up (and perhaps he thought i was upset from the last wk) and so was reaching out that way to read me first. So I responded for that reason and was friendly in my responses.

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

Posted
Posted
Yes you are right two weekends have passed. And he even sent me a msg during this wknd. I think that's why it is foolish to me - I responded to the first msgs starting mon last wk bc sometimes that's how we communicate anyway and then he will ask when I'm free and then we would talk on the phone to plan.

 

So I thought he was warming up (and perhaps he thought i was upset from the last wk) and so was reaching out that way to read me first. So I responded for that reason and was friendly in my responses.

 

seeing as the second weekend has passed and he didn't ask to see you with no explanation of what he was doing - it either needs to be discussed with honesty as to how you feel or he gets written off.

Star Gazer Established Member

Star Gazer

Posted
Posted
I did initiate last date and since he had busy last wknd I feel like ball is in his court. I keep playing friendly on texts or ignore to see if he pursues?

 

You've had 10 dates and are having sex with him. What's with the "ball is in his court" nonsense? This far along in the "relationship" you shouldn't be so rigid about who's turn it is to initiate a date or contact. You're playing games now... If YOU want to see/talk to him, why don't YOU reach out?

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Girlygirl1977 Established Member

Girlygirl1977

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I am traveling for work, but I decided to call. I had to leave a msg but he called back pretty quickly.

 

We had an open discussion and I was surprised. He had picked up on me ignoring his last msg and noticed I was also distancing myself. He said he would have felt compelled to deal with it within 1-2 days. He said he had some doubts but he had also enjoyed his time with me including the last date.

 

He wants to meet for dinner. I'm pretty busy so I can't meet till next wk. I hemmed and hawed a bit but I agreed to next thursday. Anyway I didn't expect this reaction and I did call to really put a fork in it 100%. We'll see.

OceanGirl Established Member

OceanGirl

Posted
Posted
I am traveling for work, but I decided to call. I had to leave a msg but he called back pretty quickly.

 

We had an open discussion and I was surprised. He had picked up on me ignoring his last msg and noticed I was also distancing myself. He said he would have felt compelled to deal with it within 1-2 days. He said he had some doubts but he had also enjoyed his time with me including the last date.

 

He wants to meet for dinner. I'm pretty busy so I can't meet till next wk. I hemmed and hawed a bit but I agreed to next thursday. Anyway I didn't expect this reaction and I did call to really put a fork in it 100%. We'll see.

 

This sounds quite bad... be prepared for a break up dinner.

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Girlygirl1977 Established Member

Girlygirl1977

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This sounds quite bad... be prepared for a break up dinner.

 

 

Well I called to breakup with him already. . .I started out with: "I have been thinking and from what i see it isn't working out between us". Is that confusing?

 

He said he really likes me. I'm ready for whatever since i was done. He said he didn't say anything about his doubts bc he kept having fun with me and if you say you have doubts then you doom the relationship.

 

I'm going out and about and looking for others. so i have nothing to lose.

 

I broke up with him already though - so not sure how that happens then twice?

Edited by Girlygirl1977
OceanGirl Established Member

OceanGirl

Posted
Posted

Basically, this kind of happened with the guy I dated for a month. I broke up with him (although he never went missing in action or anything, I just felt he wasn't a good personality match for me). Anyway, he responded with "I have been having some concerns over the lack of common interests which made me doubt that we would last long term"....

 

So it looks like he would have broken up with me if I didn't do it first. He also said all the other nice stuff too such as that he really enjoyed my company and found me very attractive and interesting etc BUT doubts the long term. So you really need to listen to the but part. All the nicey-nicey stuff is kind of like white noise and is often used to soften the blow.

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Girlygirl1977 Established Member

Girlygirl1977

Posted
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Basically, this kind of happened with the guy I dated for a month. I broke up with him (although he never went missing in action or anything, I just felt he wasn't a good personality match for me). Anyway, he responded with "I have been having some concerns over the lack of common interests which made me doubt that we would last long term"....

 

So it looks like he would have broken up with me if I didn't do it first. He also said all the other nice stuff too such as that he really enjoyed my company and found me very attractive and interesting etc BUT doubts the long term. So you really need to listen to the but part. All the nicey-nicey stuff is kind of like white noise and is often used to soften the blow.

 

I did read your story and can see what you are saying. I can say that I broke up with him already at this point. So it is his idea to meet. I chose the phone to reduce the time to discuss it and even started off that I had a massage scheduled in 30min. I do feel we haven't had a frank discussion till now. I didn't expect his honesty and openness. This relation gave me doubts bc it started off too quickly and I think that is part of his concern too. I would need to hear all or any other doubts to determine if there is anything salvageable here.

dispatch3d Established Member

dispatch3d

Posted
Posted
I am traveling for work, but I decided to call. I had to leave a msg but he called back pretty quickly.

 

We had an open discussion and I was surprised. He had picked up on me ignoring his last msg and noticed I was also distancing myself. He said he would have felt compelled to deal with it within 1-2 days. He said he had some doubts but he had also enjoyed his time with me including the last date.

 

He wants to meet for dinner. I'm pretty busy so I can't meet till next wk. I hemmed and hawed a bit but I agreed to next thursday. Anyway I didn't expect this reaction and I did call to really put a fork in it 100%. We'll see.

 

This seems like a normal reaction. Some girl goes cold, if the guy doesn't have doubts about how things are going I'd slot the dude into desperate/chump/doormat category pretty fast.

Chocolat Established Member

Chocolat

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I think he may have said he had doubts to protect himself. Or perhaps he started to have doubts when you did not respond to his text.

 

Either way, I don't think he would ask to meet for dinner -- especially after you more or less broke up with him -- unless he is interested in seeing if there is the possibility to continue the r/s.

 

Go into it with an open mind, unless you know for sure you don't want to see him any more.

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Girlygirl1977 Established Member

Girlygirl1977

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I think he may have said he had doubts to protect himself. Or perhaps he started to have doubts when you did not respond to his text.

 

Either way, I don't think he would ask to meet for dinner -- especially after you more or less broke up with him -- unless he is interested in seeing if there is the possibility to continue the r/s.

 

Go into it with an open mind, unless you know for sure you don't want to see him any more.

 

Thanks for your thoughts. I think we kind of needed this bit of a blow-up to see where things stood unfortunately. I did explain I prefer the phone and some other things on th call.

 

Well he called me today and he said this is the new/improved X and he gave me the same type of compliments as he used to when we first started dating. He wanted to plan for our date on Thursday and see if had anything in particular otherwisehe will plan (i gave it to him to plan).

 

So at least he seems to have responded well to the feedback and it seems Thursday is a date. . .so let's see. . .

Chocolat Established Member

Chocolat

Posted
Posted

Sounds good. I hope it goes well. :)

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