After our 10th date last week he hasn't asked me out, but has sent 3 msgs this wk

[Girlygirl1977]

I went on several dates with this guy and last wk Thursday was our last date (jazz concert - first date idea which was mine). He was affectionate throughout holding my hand whole time. We came back to my apt after and were intimate (1st time was on an overnight trip which was our 4th date - he planned trip). Then we talked about a book which he then wanted to borrow and I gave it to him.

 

I usually see him 1-2x a week and he said when he left on thur that the wknd was bad but this wk was fine. Since we usually just follow-up about dates after (vs on the date), I didn't say anything as I had door open.

 

This wk, he has sent 3 texts with some questions which are silly (not important). I have responded (first took 2 days bc was considering ignoring) and then 2 others with the last one being this morning.

 

he is in his late 30s and i'm early 30s and we know people in common. Should I just ignore this last text at this point? What do you make of this behavior?

[atlnay]

he is in his late 30s and i'm early 30s and we know people in common. Should I just ignore this last text at this point? What do you make of this behavior?

 

Are you two in an exclusive relationship? Is he seeing other people?

[colliejoanie]

Gah! Why is dating so hard? I don't have any suggestions for you, as I am in the same "what the heck is going on" mode with a guy I just started dating. I hate that we have to play these stupid games.

 

I guess my only answer would be, if he liked you he'd be making more of an effort. It shouldn't be that hard to get together and talk. I'll take my own advice on this one, haha!!!

[Girlygirl1977]

Before the sex I asked if he was sleeping with anyone and that I wouldn't want to do so if that was the case. I also said if that changed I would want to know. So that is more monogamous but not necessarily exclusive. I would say I think he wasn't seeing others before but I don't know for sure and also can't say that now. He wakes up at 545am on weekdays so that limited him during wk bc he likes to sleep by 10.

 

I would say I felt comfortable with him early but usually wait a little longer for sex.

[atlnay]

OP it's hard to say. I get monogamous but not exclusive, you're not his girlfriend, but after 10 dates + sex, you're expecting at least consistency.

 

Maybe the bad weekend through him off. Without having spoken to him, it's hard to gauge anything more from his texts other than, he reached out. From his POV he might be confused as to why you are now taking longer to reply to him than you usually do.

 

What tool do you guys use most to communicate? Phone? Email? Text? Face to face?

[Girlygirl1977]

OP it's hard to say. I get monogamous but not exclusive, you're not his girlfriend, but after 10 dates + sex, you're expecting at least consistency.

 

Maybe the bad weekend through him off. Without having spoken to him, it's hard to gauge anything more from his texts other than, he reached out. From his POV he might be confused as to why you are now taking longer to reply to him than you usually do.

 

What tool do you guys use most to communicate? Phone? Email? Text? Face to face?

 

I'm trying to play it cool because I feel I will get my answer this way regardless. We use text generally most and then phone to plan dates after we decide. I do like to be fair and look at both sides.

 

Right now he is asking if I'm excited about my beloved yankees. We went to a game together a few wks ago and now they are up for playoffs. I did initiate last date and since he had busy last wknd I feel like ball is in his court. I keep playing friendly on texts or ignore to see if he pursues?

[atlnay]

I'm trying to play it cool because I feel I will get my answer this way regardless. We use text generally most and then phone to plan dates after we decide. I do like to be fair and look at both sides.

 

Right now he is asking if I'm excited about my beloved yankees. We went to a game together a few wks ago and now they are up for playoffs. I did initiate last date and since he had busy last wknd I feel like ball is in his court. I keep playing friendly on texts or ignore to see if he pursues?

 

If your instinct is to play it cool then follow your gut as to how to handle when your next date will be (waiting for him to ask officially I'm guessing).

 

I'm not a fan of playing games (ignore and see if he pursues is slightly gamish in my book) but were I in your shoes, with the facts you posted here, I'd friendly reply to someone that took the time to acknowledge something they know I have a passion over. Good luck to ya

[Girlygirl1977]

Thanks for your thoughts atlnay.

 

Anybody else have an opinion here? Should I ignore or keep up with the friendly back and forth?

[waynebrady]

Gah! Why is dating so hard? I don't have any suggestions for you, as I am in the same "what the heck is going on" mode with a guy I just started dating. I hate that we have to play these stupid games.

 

I guess my only answer would be, if he liked you he'd be making more of an effort. It shouldn't be that hard to get together and talk. I'll take my own advice on this one, haha!!!

 

More of an effort? Let's see the OP states the last date was the first one that was her idea.

 

So the guy has initiated and planned 9 dates while the OP has planned 1 date if I got that right. Yet you think the guy doesn't make enough effort? Women really are ridicilous at times when it comes to this. It's always up to the guy to do everything and put in all the effort, while women do virtually nothing and doesn't put in any effort what so ever.

[waynebrady]

Thanks for your thoughts atlnay.

 

Anybody else have an opinion here? Should I ignore or keep up with the friendly back and forth?

 

Most women here will tell you to ignore him and continue to play silly games. But as a guy myself, if a woman did that she could **** off . Women who play games are not relationship material and never will be. I don't got time for games.

[Girlygirl1977]

More of an effort? Let's see the OP states the last date was the first one that was her idea.

 

So the guy has initiated and planned 9 dates while the OP has planned 1 date if I got that right. Yet you think the guy doesn't make enough effort? Women really are ridicilous at times when it comes to this. It's always up to the guy to do everything and put in all the effort, while women do virtually nothing and doesn't put in any effort what so ever.

 

Whoa! To be fair there was some teamwork in the dates before. So if he said we should get dinner by the 5th date or so, I also gave restaurant suggestions. So it wasn't exactly the way you wrote. He made a lot more effort in the beginning though - that's how I got into all this.

 

I wouldn't call my contribution - virtually nothing. . .

[Girlygirl1977]

Most women here will tell you to ignore him and continue to play silly games. But as a guy myself, if a woman did that she could **** off . Women who play games are not relationship material and never will be. I don't got time for games.

 

I didn't make up my mind on this yet but you might have a point there. Anyone else?

[welikeincrowds]

first took 2 days bc was considering ignoring

 

Why?

 

ignore this last text at this point?

 

WHY?

 

What do you make of this behavior?

 

RETARDED!

 

You have no right in fearing for his flakiness because you are being a flake yourself. If you want to see him, call him. You're not going to "lose" by doing so. Make another thread when he really starts avoiding you.

[Angel1111]

I've never had a guy do this to me but I know what I'd do if he did. My guess is that if he's making excuses about not being with you after that many dates and is only texting you, then he's seeing someone else, but wants to keep you hanging around waiting for him. If I were you, I'd move on. You can't force relationships to work and if you have slept with him and still don't mean that much to him, then call it day. You can find a guy who's truly attracted to you.

 

Stop responding to his stupid texts and if he does at some point bother to actually call you, then tell him that you're no longer interested in seeing him. He thinks you're sitting around waiting on him. I wouldn't be waiting - I'd be out with someone else.

[2sunny]

i suggest calling and asking him directly why he's been absent all week and what he has going on all weekend that he wouldn't have asked to see you...

[Angel1111]

i suggest calling and asking him directly why he's been absent all week and what he has going on all weekend that he wouldn't have asked to see you...

 

That's a good plan, provided that you believe you're going to get an honest answer, which is doubtful. I think actions speak very clearly all by themselves. After that many dates and sleeping together, usually a couple is very open and he would've explained what was going on, and they would be talking on the phone. He's hiding something. Time to move on.

[Girlygirl1977]

That's a good plan, provided that you believe you're going to get an honest answer, which is doubtful. I think actions speak very clearly all by themselves. After that many dates and sleeping together, usually a couple is very open and he would've explained what was going on, and they would be talking on the phone. He's hiding something. Time to move on.

 

Hi and thanks for your very insightful responses. I think I will definitely not call him about this because I do think actions speak louder than words. I was just out with some friends and did meet an interesting guy - hope he calls. Also I did go on a setup coffee date last Friday, so I'm pretty intuitive too.

 

When I look at things, there are things that did make me think I wanted to end this on my own 2 wks ago even bc I told my friends that and then he invited me to yankee game and I thought that was fun so I continued. But I think I had some inkling which is why I did a setup date even last friday (i had to agree to that a month ago).

 

I took some comfort that we knew people in common but what often happens when I date I guess is I am very sweet outwardly while absorb info versus actively make it known when I see issues. So I do think in some sense he thinks I am a bit more of a pushover than I am. And so I can imagine that Angel is right that he thinks I will be waiting around (which is definitely not the case!). For the right guy, my style is obviously perfectly fine bc I am relatively trusting on the outside so they end up talking a lot to reveal their issues which this guy did do.

[Girlygirl1977]

I've never had a guy do this to me but I know what I'd do if he did. My guess is that if he's making excuses about not being with you after that many dates and is only texting you, then he's seeing someone else, but wants to keep you hanging around waiting for him. If I were you, I'd move on. You can't force relationships to work and if you have slept with him and still don't mean that much to him, then call it day. You can find a guy who's truly attracted to you.

 

Stop responding to his stupid texts and if he does at some point bother to actually call you, then tell him that you're no longer interested in seeing him. He thinks you're sitting around waiting on him. I wouldn't be waiting - I'd be out with someone else.

 

This is an awesome comment. Thanks it really hits home. Yes I am definitely not responding to his texts. It's quite lazy and I'm not a fan. Especially after his nonsense, I do need to impose my boundaries. There is definitely something wrong with what's going on and no need for me to enable it further. Please keep in mind that I got into this more bc he was so enthusiastic (at least in his act) in the beginning. I'm thinking he likes the thrill of the chase perhaps and when things get real and close, he pushes it away. I've had some red/pink flags along the way but now I can see it very clearly.

 

I agree with you that there is no use in calling him out - that is not my style because I can read between the lines.

[Girlygirl1977]

i suggest calling and asking him directly why he's been absent all week and what he has going on all weekend that he wouldn't have asked to see you...

 

In many ways I would love to do this but then I also feel like silence is golden and speaks more strongly to this guy. At least early on in dating when he was less sure that I wanted to see him, he definitely noticed when I didn't respond or follow-up. I have to admit I became a bit predictable.

 

I don't think he deserves a call now and I also think that the predictable thing would be for me to call him out.

[OceanGirl]

If I were you, I would talk to him and clarify. He is more than likely blowing you off, but why are you even indulging in power games at this point by not contacting him or responding to texts? You are not only being passive agressive, you are letting him take up space in your mind by trying to guess what he is thinking...

 

You will never know what another person is thinking and most find it hard to completely move on without talking things out. So ask, clarify then move on with no regrets.

[Girlygirl1977]

If I were you, I would talk to him and clarify. He is more than likely blowing you off, but why are you even indulging in power games at this point by not contacting him or responding to texts? You are not only being passive agressive, you are letting him take up space in your mind by trying to guess what he is thinking...

 

You will never know what another person is thinking and most find it hard to completely move on without talking things out. So ask, clarify then move on with no regrets.

 

Thanks for your post. Somehow I lost th desire to call and clarify. I had that feeling middle of the past wk but it has subsided. To be fair I've also gone back for some sessions with therapist during some of this too. That has helped me a lot. I'm not planning to ignore his texts as part of a game more I think we treat ppl how to treat us. If he wants to tall genuinely he can pick up the phone. I already had some doubts along the way and the recent stuff sealed it. I don't like this bc I've never not had some discussion but he has been leading the relationship all along so he can and should be more direct now too.

[2sunny]

we treat ppl how to treat us.

 

uuummmm, to clarify:

 

we TRAIN people how to treat us.

 

so you've now trained him that he needs to make no effort in order to have some response from you.

 

tell him to kiss off unless he steps up his effort. he SHOULD know! YOU should tell him.

[Girlygirl1977]

uuummmm, to clarify:

 

we TRAIN people how to treat us.

 

so you've now trained him that he needs to make no effort in order to have some response from you.

 

tell him to kiss off unless he steps up his effort. he SHOULD know! YOU should tell him.

 

Sorry - yes that was a typo from me. I meant "we teach people how to treat us". So definitely I agree with you.

 

Well I'm not responding to him now (as of the last one) while I simmer on any next action. So he would have to try a little more with the current effort.

[2sunny]

Sorry - yes that was a typo from me. I meant "we teach people how to treat us". So definitely I agree with you.

 

Well I'm not responding to him now (as of the last one) while I simmer on any next action. So he would have to try a little more with the current effort.

 

he's not trying. forget him! he's out with some other gal... men do that when they find someone else they are more interested in for that moment.

 

if it were me, i'd take my power back and call and tell him what a dork he is for not being honest.

 

stop waiting. DO something. take action. tell him your truth!

[Girlygirl1977]

he's not trying. forget him! he's out with some other gal... men do that when they find someone else they are more interested in for that moment.

 

if it were me, i'd take my power back and call and tell him what a dork he is for not being honest.

 

stop waiting. DO something. take action. tell him your truth!

 

I am not waiting. i went on a setup date last wk friday (coffee) and last night i was out and met an interesting guy - hope he calls. So no I am not waiting per se at all. I'm going back out there and looking for someone new/interesting and enjoying my life.

 

I'm not one to sit at home and do nothing and have a busy life. I'm traveling for work tomorrow for 2 days to a resort (yes and it is for work). You may be getting a different impression of me than I am.

 

I just feel like I don't want to be that predictable woman that calls and tells of a guy. I don't know what it gets me really. you know? Isn't going back out and living better?

 

I don't know what his issue is but I think everything comes out in the wash. My mind is a relatively good place and calling him and telling him off I dont think improves that. What does it get me?