Hold fast Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 I am just posting becasue I feel really alone. To quickly set the scene I am seeing a MM, on Monday he decided he was going to leave his family (not for me, for him, he says he needs space) and last night Friday he moved into a room which sounds really grotty, however, he also owns a flat and has given his tenants notice so he will be able to move there if he can bear to wait two months but I suspect he is already having second thoughts as his son is in bits and he is his everything. It is my ultimate ambition to be with him, he knows this but I know he can't give me much right now and I do not want to put pressure on him. So I need to know how to support him whilst not becoming his carer or losing the romantic side to our relationship, how can I help him make this transition whilst not giving my all to get nothing back, if he goes back or decides he doesn't want to be with me. Also how do I keep myself strong and develop a safety net to survive. I am a mess, I am hurting so much but can't show this to him. I have started to see a counsellor as you advised but so far they have just asked what do I think I should do? Which isn't too helpful I need more concrete guidance. I just don't understand some stuff like why has he moved into such an awful room and why is he still hiding me from his wife. He says it so he can introduce me later but I think it because he wants to keep options open. He has also said he's worried about repeating patterns with me. I just feel so alone and can't turn to him. So sorry for posting again but it hard to get my Plan B going when I don't know where to begin or want to focus too much on it as that may cause me to lose faith in him. Arggghhh!
desertIslandCactus Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 Hold Fast, It sounds as if he has become your world. You are hurting because of uncertainty and nonreciprocation of - your world. All responsibility must be put with MM. It is his life - or double life, and it is for him to work through. The best thing you can do is to take care of yourself, build yourself up in the spirit, and strengthen yourself. Devotion such as yours - is given only in marriage.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 I just don't understand some stuff like why has he moved into such an awful room and why is he still hiding me from his wife. He says it so he can introduce me later but I think it because he wants to keep options open. He has also said he's worried about repeating patterns with me. I just feel so alone and can't turn to him. So sorry for posting again but it hard to get my Plan B going when I don't know where to begin or want to focus too much on it as that may cause me to lose faith in him. Arggghhh! Ok, let's just look at this "as if" he is leaving. Why would he tell his W about you? It is not clear he or she has even filed for D. This could turn the D from amicable to opposite side of the spectrum. For you, the longer she doesn't know about you, the better for you. Once YOU are identified, in many BS's competition kicks in, whether the BS really wants her H or not. She wants to keep her man and "win." If you can't turn to him for support, then get out of the R. I married my MM and we were always there for each other (although we did move in together right away; she didn't know about me for another month after that and we are talking a 3 year A at that time). I didn't have an experience like most OW who have d-day. My H's XW really didn't care. It was done within 6 months of filing, in California! But she could have made my life less happy, but she didn't. My experience seems atypical in many ways though. He could be keeping options open, but why aren't you discussing this with him? He is your lover. From what you've written, it sounds like you two are looking at a future together. Now whether or not that is what he has in mind-YOU HAVE TO TALK TO HIM! This is something that people who love each other do. They talk about their feelings. Tell him how you feel. And give examples like I feel like you're just keeping your options open when you don't tell your W about me. Then see what he says. If he can't be there for you then your R won't work out because it takes two. And just because he's leaving him M doesn't give him a pass for his behavior. You are partners and you both have to act like one. GEL
siuys Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 Holdfast, Your MM sounds like mine when he first moved out in terms of emotionally all over the place. You also sound a bit like me a few months ago - unhappy, confused, the world all about MM. I understand every situation is different. When I look back, I made the best move by stepping away from his mess. The longer I've been out of it (am in touch with MM, but not regularly - he needs to sort out his crap), the better I've been. I started concentrating on my own life, removing myself from addictive behaviour, and respect myself more. The time and space we've given ourselves has allowed both of us to see how we feel about each other. The truth is, MM couldn't give me what I wanted back then. He is in a much better place now, but I am still cautious. There is a lot of baggage he has to work through, and you being there can be a distraction and if you're there all the time no matter what could actually backfire. This experience is his to experience, his to sort out, his to make sense of. I know you feel you're in it as much as he is, but you are actually not. By keeping a bit of distance and concentrating on your life, you will get your sense of self back, and if it's meant to be, he will be back. All the best.
Fieldsofgold Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 I've not been in a situation like yours, but inhave a couple if thoughts about it. I would think that he would not want you known about until further in the process, so that when he introduces you to his son, family, etc., they won't be saying "oh, the OW!" Also I think it would keep the divorce simpler if you are not known about. As for supporting him, I would think this is something he needs to sort through by himself. I would be concerned that with too much input from you, or even too much presence, later on, if he's unhappy, he might blame you.
fooled once Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 I am just posting becasue I feel really alone. To quickly set the scene I am seeing a MM, on Monday he decided he was going to leave his family (not for me, for him, he says he needs space) and last night Friday he moved into a room which sounds really grotty, however, he also owns a flat and has given his tenants notice so he will be able to move there if he can bear to wait two months but I suspect he is already having second thoughts as his son is in bits and he is his everything. It is my ultimate ambition to be with him, he knows this but I know he can't give me much right now and I do not want to put pressure on him. So I need to know how to support him whilst not becoming his carer or losing the romantic side to our relationship, how can I help him make this transition whilst not giving my all to get nothing back, if he goes back or decides he doesn't want to be with me. Also how do I keep myself strong and develop a safety net to survive. I am a mess, I am hurting so much but can't show this to him. I have started to see a counsellor as you advised but so far they have just asked what do I think I should do? Which isn't too helpful I need more concrete guidance. I just don't understand some stuff like why has he moved into such an awful room and why is he still hiding me from his wife. He says it so he can introduce me later but I think it because he wants to keep options open. He has also said he's worried about repeating patterns with me. I just feel so alone and can't turn to him. So sorry for posting again but it hard to get my Plan B going when I don't know where to begin or want to focus too much on it as that may cause me to lose faith in him. Arggghhh! I actually think it is VERY smart of him to not introduce you to his wife!!! I mean, "Hi wife, here is the girl I have been cheating with you on". It is TOO SOON!!!!! If you truly aren't the reason he has left, then stop expecting him to move from his marital home and start bringing you around his wife and child. To me, that is selfish thinking. As for not being able to tell the man you love how you are feeling or show those feelings, that to me means you don't trust him. How can you build a true solid foundation in which to build on if you don't trust him? How can you love him if you can't be YOU in front of him? You state you half way expect him to return home. And you are already giving the excuse why - his child. Didn't he think about that when he decided to move out? You also admit you are giving him everything of you; and yet you expect so little in return. THAT is the problem with affairs, IMHO. The OM/OW doesn't expect much for the cheating person. They expect the crumbs they are given. That is so wrong. Would you expect so little from a single person? Why should you expect AND get less from this 'relationship' than any other relationship. I do believe he does need TIME without your inpatience, your neediness (and I don't mean that in a bad way) and without having to worry about YOU ... to a degree. But relationships take both people willing to give and take; not just one person taking. He needs to walk the journey of divorce without having you there to do the work for him. He needs to end his marriage with respect and dignity. He needs to know in his heart his marriage is over. I do not understand people who 'say' they are unhappy and want their marriage over, but then turn around and decide to work on things. Wouldn't they do that PRIOR to ending a marriage? I knew in my heart it was OVER and no amount of begging or pleading changed my mind. I wasn't indecisive nor was I undecided. I KNEW. I must be an different than others (and there was no cheating in my marriage). If he is truly ready to leave, he will. He will also respect his wife/ex wife enough to not throw you in her face NOR involve you in any drama, if he really is ready to leave and you aren't the reason. Additionally, I have to wonder why you are so concerned/frustrated/mad that he won't let his wife know about you...is it because you want to let her know you have her guy? I would think you would NOT want to be a part of any issues that will most likely arise when she realizes he was cheating on her with you. I find it very telling that he has been out of the house barely a week, and yet you are frustrated he hasn't told his wife about you...that would be the ultimate 'in your face' to her since he just left the house. She would KNOW he was cheating. Stop making it about you. He is ending a marriage; he needs space, just like he said. Give it to him. Are you worried that if he isn't with you all the time he will go back to his wife? IF you mean as much to him as he means to you, you have to trust him. But it sounds like there isn't a lot of trust...
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