New persepctive on the "one"

[YSS]

As I read the many threads about how we are all coping, the struggles of understanding how the "one" could of done what they did to us and the possibility was that person really the "one"....I put this question out there.

 

Perhaps the only thing we really need to perfect is our perspective?

 

In my own IC counselling, my counsellor is pushing to me look at the this exact question. Relationships are all about give and take. From time to time any partner can feel doubt, insecurity, fear, confusion, joy, peace and certainty etc. When the emotions of doubt, confusion, fear, possible pain/rejection arise....is it ok to walk away from the other person? Would we have done that to our respective EXs if the shoe was on the other foot? These emotions can be triggered by things that have nothing to do with us...past hurts, work stress, childhood isssues, indivdual self-beliefs or even things we have done. Reagrdless, would we have done this to our partners? Grant you, at times, we can all have a moment of bad judgement, over-reaction (no one is perfect)....but does our love, admiration, acknowledgement of the good person and healthy relationship that we have found not merit "swallowing our pride" and working things through?

 

It was in posing these questions to me, that my counsellor was trying to show me that perhaps the only thing that we really need to perfect is our perspective -- as as opposed to what many of us here struggle with...perhaps I was not thin enough, rich enough, confident enough etc.

 

In a nutshell, the "one" would not have done this. They would not have walked away and even if they did, at some point in time they would have recognized their error and made their way back cause we are worth it. Do we want to be with someone that when the going gets tough....they somehow make it OK in their minds just to bail? My counsellor also stressed to me that when you really care for someone and truly believe in your rel'shp you will fight for him/her and work for it. Its not a sign of weakness rather the opposite - strength. Its far easier to run, find someone new and start the whole process again and most likely hurt another. As my counsellor said, we live in a throw away society, so if you find someone taht will stand by you who has that that emotional health and character, one should hold on with both hands and feel fortunate.

 

If any of you are like me, intellectually I get all this, but my heart....is still trying to play catch up. I was advised, sometimes, we need to let our head lead as opposed to our heart. Trying to share the $$$ I pay hourly with the hope it helps someone else out there.

 

Good luck to all.

[dragonwave]

Good thread and question. I totally get what you are saying and feeling.

 

From my own experience, I let past hurts and unresolved feelings cause me to bolt from a great woman. I now understand the line your counsellor said about when you care and know you found a good thing in someone on many levels, you fight for him/her and the rel'shp. She fouhgt, but I was too stubborn and had my head up my butt over other crap that had nothing to do with her. bad timing....thats an easy excuse. While I was willing to swallow my pride once i got my butt out of head and took a hard look at my life....she had moved on, literally moved to another city. Very painful lesson for me, in knowing what I lost and how much I had hurt her.

 

All that to say, you are correct, the "one" would not hurt us the way many have been hurt and if a decision was made in haste or out of fear and other stuff that had nothing to do with the current SO, our EXs SHOUld and WOULD make their way back. If you cannot say your are sorry and swallow your pride for love...then what can you fess up to in life.

 

Good post YSS!!!

[Billie The Puppet]

The "one" for me doesn't necessarily mean I am the "one" for her.

 

I very much see my ex as the "one" , now more so the "one" that got away.

 

It's true

For Richer or Poorer,

For Better or Worse,

In Sickness or In Health

 

I'd take her under all those circumstances

 

Since she left me I wasn't her "one" however I did stuff that kind of forced her to make the decision she has made. It just sucks because the things I have done she has too but I stuck around because of Thick or Thin I worked through it.

 

I hurt her just as much as she has hurt me.

 

Almost every fight we had I broke up with her in person but we instantly reconciled as she had her ways of changing the mood this ways were not sex either she just knew how to turn the situation around. The truth is all the times I have tried to break it off where in times of fights and I was always comparing our relationship to those of others instead of living ours. I never ever actually wanted to break it with her when I tried and she knew this. I told her not to listen to my words when I am fighting with her as they are never the truth.

 

She "breaks" but calls and we were LC for the break and end up together again and go ring shopping only for me to accuse her of cheating which is the end of the relationship as I violated her trust, and became a phone, text and fb terrorist all in the same night discussed things about this email with her family before I could her because I couldn't get a hold of her etc. I basically embarrassed her but I was not in the right mindset. I'd break up with me too if I were in her position.

 

Sometimes us dumpees are at fault but it's too late to notice.

 

Even though I'm still pining for a second chance and since I'm in NC I have no idea what she is doing with her life a second chance seems less viable because we have broken trust. Though we have proven to each other trust can be rebuilt post break up while we were in LC. I mean she gave me her email password after setting up a new one again a week after the BU . Though I set her up with a new password again (She isn't 100% computer literate so I had to get the reset password links for her)

[Shadowburn]

Totally agree that this is a matter of perspective.

 

To me, anyone who could leave me, is not THE ONE. THE ONE will stay with you through the thick and thin, come hell or high water. THE ONE would never put you through this pain. THE ONE is exactly that - THE ONE.

 

Blaming yourself for whatever you have done/haven't done, said/haven't said, being not this or not that, too young, too old, too good, too bad, whatever - it's all totally irrelevant to the question whether the one who dumped you was THE ONE or not.

 

So relax and keep moving toward the future. The guy in the past is never THE ONE.

 

Good luck and hugs to all.

[TLCbear]

Sometimes us dumpees are at fault but it's too late to notice.

 

Exactly..and it's a shame many have not a clue. I decided to end my relationship Friday because I got sick and tired my SO doing stupid things. Off and on thoughout our 2 1/2 relationship I have been having problems with him and cell phones. A couple of days before Friday, I found a cell phone charger behind my sofa so I knew he had a secret cell phone. So I've been ignoring his calls since Friday and he leaves a message today saying how evil I was and he doesn't know what is wrong with me...trying to make me the bad guy and him the victim...when he knows exactly what he has been doing. So when I read many of these posts about guys in NC and coping, I often wonder what did they do to push their women away...not to say it's always the men fault, but alot of times it is.

[Billie The Puppet]

Exactly..and it's a shame many have not a clue. I decided to end my relationship Friday because I got sick and tired my SO doing stupid things. Off and on thoughout our 2 1/2 relationship I have been having problems with him and cell phones. A couple of days before Friday, I found a cell phone charger behind my sofa so I knew he had a secret cell phone. So I've been ignoring his calls since Friday and he leaves a message today saying how evil I was and he doesn't know what is wrong with me...trying to make me the bad guy and him the victim...when he knows exactly what he has been doing. So when I read many of these posts about guys in NC and coping, I often wonder what did they do to push their women away...not to say it's always the men fault, but alot of times it is.

 

I broke my ex's trust twice and hurt her 3 times with fake break ups it's all my own stupidity and now I lost her.

 

- Broken trust: Once a co worker stripped for me on webcam I didn't ask for it but I should have never been having a web cam convo with this girl. I told my ex about this right away as I can't keep it on my concience.

 

- Broken trust: I checked her email after she completely gave me the cold shoulder on a weekend saw an email to her current boss and it was very flirtatious and seeing as I was her previous boss it was all too familiar. Trust is sort of broken both ways here but as fare as I know she hasn't acted on this. How I came across the email is sort of fishy she did give me the password but I didn't deliberately check the email she was signed in and I thought it was my account obviously until I read it but my actions after this were far worse bombarding her with calls, texts fb messages etc.

 

- Every major fight I broke up with her but we instantly reconciled as she had her ways and to be honest I never really wanted to break up.

 

It's too late for me but I know I did her wrong yet I still hope.

 

As for your story I couldn't do that and I am behind you, you made the right choice and like my story trust was broken which is hard to regain.

 

I still have hope that one day I'll be happy even though right now I still want that hapiness to be with my ex I don't see it being able to be revived.

[YSS]

Good thread and question. I totally get what you are saying and feeling.

 

From my own experience, I let past hurts and unresolved feelings cause me to bolt from a great woman. I now understand the line your counsellor said about when you care and know you found a good thing in someone on many levels, you fight for him/her and the rel'shp. She fouhgt, but I was too stubborn and had my head up my butt over other crap that had nothing to do with her. bad timing....thats an easy excuse. While I was willing to swallow my pride once i got my butt out of head and took a hard look at my life....she had moved on, literally moved to another city. Very painful lesson for me, in knowing what I lost and how much I had hurt her.

 

All that to say, you are correct, the "one" would not hurt us the way many have been hurt and if a decision was made in haste or out of fear and other stuff that had nothing to do with the current SO, our EXs SHOUld and WOULD make their way back. If you cannot say your are sorry and swallow your pride for love...then what can you fess up to in life.

 

Good post YSS!!!

 

Dragonwave -thansk for offering the perspective of the "dumper" vrs the many of us how are the dumpees. I found it comforting cause my EX reassured me so many times how certain he felt about me, us and did everything to earn my trust and then bam....threw me off a cliff (at least its how it felt and still feels). Guess I will never know if he has regrets the way you do and if he did, would he have the courage to do something about it, like you did. Cause really, it you felt certain about how you felt about someone that you cared deeply about who did nothing to alter that view....one would only think (to quote you) get their heads out of their butts!

 

Shadownburn...you are right, the past is behind....we can only move forward.

 

Billie the puppet - you offer great insight, in that, we all must live in the realtionship we are in and not be comparing it to others. I too am a strong believer in this and not comparing our SO with others, it becomes a zero sum game, cause each person brings their own unqiueness to us. AL that matters is do they bring out the best in us, inspire us to be better, accept us for who we are and makes us feel happier. That is the only benchmark to measure someone against. Sorry for your pain.

[dragonwave]

YSS - you are most welcome.

 

I have been on many sides of the relationshp equation: dumper, dumpee and shamefully even the OM (affair). Who knows what your EX is thinking and feeling and truth be told, my great lady most likely was left to feel like I did not care much about her and felt I walked away so easily. I can now see that while unintentional, I may have come off cold - not my finest hour. I live with that everyday. Truthfully, I never had anyone fight for me and on some strange level it made me uncomfortable. I have a horrible pattern of wanting to be the "rescuerer". I literally blocked her from my mind after I made my decision to end things, even convinced myself my feelings had faded, in actuality they were just buried. Men tend to do that alot.

 

Following that break up, I can honestly say my choices were not great...had an affair with a collegue from work, thought about my EX wife non stop etc. It was only when my sister gave me a kick on the side of my head and reminded what my marriage was really like, again your point of perspective, I started to see things once again in the right light and took a hard look at myself and ask WTF am I doing.

 

You see, my great woman was the first time I had the opportunity to be in a healthy rel'shp, she really was wonderful on so many levels and our connection was real. But I was so hung up on the pain caused by my EX wife in walking out cause she just did not want to be married anymore and residual feelings I still had for her, that the thought of getting close to anyone again, risking such a breakup and again heartache, I convinced myself to bolt and made it ok in my mind. It was not OK and while a part of my heart will always belong to my EX, like your original post, my EX wife was not the "one", casue the one does not cause that much pain. For my EX-wife I was comfort, her best friend, her soulmate on a frienship level but not lover level. Like my own IC said to me, a young couple with lack of passion and intimacy early in theri marriage should be red flag. While I should of been hurt that my wife left, should i have been "surprised" was the question posed to me by my counsellor. Talk about a kick in teh nuts and reality check. He was right, my wife loved me like a friend, not a lover and friend. Big difference!!!!!

 

With that great girl, she was both (lover and friend) and the rel'shp had real potential but I *&*^(^ it up. The sad part is that she is probably sitting ther thinking I did not care, when I actually did, I merely buried/denied my feelings until I got my head out of my butt. So who knows what your EX is thinking....you may never know. BUT ..... you are taking the right steps to move on, to heal and to see things with new perspective. I am in my mid-40s and man, I hope to spare those here alot younger much angst by sharing my hard learned lessons.

 

Chin up YSS and its great that you post these perspectives her for all of us to learn from.

[Shatter3d]

Dragonwave, how long did it take you to realise that you made a mistake and get your head out of your butt so to speak? In that time were you both NC? When you realized you had made a mistake, did you try to contact her? I'd so, what did you say?

[dragonwave]

Dragonwave, how long did it take you to realise that you made a mistake and get your head out of your butt so to speak? In that time were you both NC? When you realized you had made a mistake, did you try to contact her? I'd so, what did you say?

 

It took me almost a year. Like I said, I made some stupid decisions after we split and regressed to my post divorce days. Thinking back, I had a bit of depression going....it was all about me, my pain and how life did not turn out the way I ever thought. It was mostly NC but she did try to reach out a few times and I was pretty much non-responsive. In actuality I was a coward and I did not want to see or face the pain I caused. Again, not my finest hour.

 

When I realized what I had lost and got my head out of my butt, I tried calling her but her # was no longer in service and then i wrote her a letter. The day I was off to mail it, ran into her friend at the dry cleaners and she told me she had left the State. NEver mailed the letter. I remmeber asking her friend how she was...at first she started off by she is good, got a promotion and is moving our of state for her new job etc....and then looked at me with dagger eyes and said "you broke her, you broke her heart". We can never under nor over estimate the impact we have on another. My great lady was far from weak and needy....she had smiling eyes and a sexy smile and very compotent and independent. I messed it up. I know with certainty she would of never done to me what I did to her. Would give my right nut to have her back.

 

This post is not about me.....its rather YSS's efforts to share different perspectives on how we can all better cope and heal from our loss. To look with the rose coloured glasses off to really see our SO/EX and its relationship in the right light so we can move forward. Often in coping with loss, we do need to lead with our heads (clear perspective) and not our hearts. For the most part, the heart is not seeing things clearly but it eventually will.

[1/2moon]

Agreed - what requires effort is our perspective and a willingness to open our minds up to a different truth.

 

 

In reading John Gray's "starting over" he stresses that "good endings make good beginnings" in that the baggage of trust and commitment we often bring forward and are left to sort through is less.

 

I would also quote the following for a new perspective.............."No one is meant to live a life without love. More tragic than anything is continuing to live with a broken heart. To love again does not mean that we have stopped loving those whom we lost. Unending sorrow is not a testamentt to our undying love, but rather a sickness that requires a cure."

 

Thanks YSS for the thread.

[YSS]

Agreed - what requires effort is our perspective and a willingness to open our minds up to a different truth.

 

 

.............."No one is meant to live a life without love. More tragic than anything is continuing to live with a broken heart. To love again does not mean that we have stopped loving those whom we lost. Unending sorrow is not a testamentt to our undying love, but rather a sickness that requires a cure."

 

Thanks YSS for the thread.

 

1/2moon - You are right, no one is meant to to live a life without love. Such a life would be very sad and tragic especially if its caused by a broken heart we could not find the will to heal and move past and just pushed new love away because of it.

 

Dragonwave - thanks for being brave to share your story. I guess there is a very hard lesson there. I think I got the following message from your story......we all should find someone and try to make an emotional bond with them. When we do, take help when it is offered and don't turn down a good thing because your stuck in the past.

Sorry you had to learn it the hard way.

 

Good luck to all.

[YSS]

Dragonwave - meant to say, if we find someone that we have an emotional bond with, we should take help when it is offered and don't turn down a good thing because your stuck in the past.

I don't believe we can have an emotional bond with just anyone - but when we do, we can't sabotage it from past pain. This is what I am trying to work through so I can love and trust again.

[dragonwave]

Dragonwave - meant to say, if we find someone that we have an emotional bond with, we should take help when it is offered and don't turn down a good thing because your stuck in the past.

 

I don't believe we can have an emotional bond with just anyone - but when we do, we can't sabotage it from past pain. This is what I am trying to work through so I can love and trust again.

 

 

You are bang on.

[Perhaps]

Totally agree that this is a matter of perspective.

 

To me, anyone who could leave me, is not THE ONE. THE ONE will stay with you through the thick and thin, come hell or high water. THE ONE would never put you through this pain. THE ONE is exactly that - THE ONE.

 

Blaming yourself for whatever you have done/haven't done, said/haven't said, being not this or not that, too young, too old, too good, too bad, whatever - it's all totally irrelevant to the question whether the one who dumped you was THE ONE or not.

 

So relax and keep moving toward the future. The guy in the past is never THE ONE.

 

Good luck and hugs to all.

 

I disagree with the bolded part. If I was going through some issues, for example, there would be only so much my SO could do. What you're saying is quite idealistic but in real life, THE ONEs make mistakes, they leave, or you leave them, but they remain in your hearts. i don't want to say that you end up with them... because forever doesn't exist. Death may prevent you or THE ONE from being together 'till... well, death. I don't know, I guess I'm just trying to say that THE ONEs aren't 100% perfect demi-godly figures. They're people like you and I, who make mistakes. What makes them THE ONEs is the fact that they come back to you.. or THE ONEs that stay in your heart. I don't know. Honetly, I don't really give a crap... I've thought about this stuff WAY TOO MUCH. I can think and think and think and discuss with here or with friends till 2 in the morning... you can a better understanding of it from every discussion but you never quite fully understand it. For any mathematicians here, it's like limits... you can get REALLLY close.. but never quite Touch it.

 

I just want someone who will make me forget about my exes and share a real relationship with me. I don't want someone I'll learn from; I want someone I'll learn with...

[Shadowburn]

 

I just want someone who will make me forget about my exes and share a real relationship with me. I don't want someone I'll learn from; I want someone I'll learn with...

 

That would be THE ONE. Who'd stay with you despite hardships and having to figure it all out and not exactly knowing where it all headed but wanting you for a ride anyway. Who'd learn with you, not despite of you or from you.

 

You don't have to agree with me, but we're all entitled to our opinions. I like it simple. I don't want someone who doesn't want me. Period.

[Perhaps]

That would be THE ONE. Who'd stay with you despite hardships and having to figure it all out and not exactly knowing where it all headed but wanting you for a ride anyway. Who'd learn with you, not despite of you or from you.

 

You don't have to agree with me, but we're all entitled to our opinions. I like it simple. I don't want someone who doesn't want me. Period.

 

lol I don't completely disagree with you. You helped me sum up my thoughts.. but like you said, THE ONE is he/she who will stay with you despite the hardships... but I mean.. like.. I know of people who broke up and then re-united after months... stories ranging from 'we've been together since elementary school' to.. 'we broke up in high school and got back together after graduating from college'... but I guess it depends on the circumstances leading to the breakup. If it was something like cheating, then the cheater isn't THE ONE, at least imho. but if the breakup was due to other reasons like relocation or other stuff, I guess THE ONE may be that person.

 

I want to believe that there is a THE ONE.. but I see so many single/divorved/widowed people and it kinda makes me wonder about their THE ONEs.. ya know? I don't know if a THE ONE even exists.. but if he/she does... only a very few lucky souls find their other halves.

[YSS]

I want to believe that there is a THE ONE.. but I see so many single/divorved/widowed people and it kinda makes me wonder about their THE ONEs.. ya know? I don't know if a THE ONE even exists.. but if he/she does... only a very few lucky souls find their other halves.

 

Agrred - I think we all want to believe there is someone out there for us.

 

As I watched the chilean miners be rescued over the last day, they all had someone (for the most part their SO) waiting for them. This is what life is really about, those connections with the ones we love. While all of us here coping with the loss of having our hearts broken and hopes dashed, we know too well what those connections mean to us....perhaps we need to learn not to wear our hearts on our sleeves, maybe not to lead with our chin but definately not to become hardened or closed off because of heartache. Cause afterall, life is about the connections we make with people. We will not feel those connections with just anyone, but if any of you have experienced someone anticipating your arrival, whether after a surgery, at the airport, at a restaurant...anywhere....you know that look of anticipation and it cannot be contained. Much of what I saw with the miners today.

 

Maybe we all just need to hope, hope that our hearts will heal and that they will not harden in that we do not let love in again. When we get that right perspective about our current loss, maybe that is when hope starts shining through. Here's hoping.....

 

Good luck to all.