hopesndreams Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 this is just the hardest thing isnt it? Yes, it's called grieving. Only your H is very much alive and has inflicted this pain on you. You still love him and it won't go away any time soon. You will have devastating lows but with those will come incredible highs. Do stick with NC. Read up all you can about it. It will empower you for whatever may happen.
2themoon&back Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 to the moon and back - thank you for your kind words... made me tear up.. i am doing what i want right now. my friend asked me if i wanted to get out of the house and go for a walk or go cinema and i said that for now all i want to do is sit and cry. i know that i need to pull myself together, and i will. one day i will wake up and not want to just sit and mope, that i will want to keep busy. but im not ready yet. my mum and dad keep checking in on me but its not helping me seeing them as upset as me. i need them to be strong and not disolve into tears everytime they look at me. seeing the pity in their eyes just makes me so much sadder. i still cant eat, although i am starting to feel like eating... like my appetite is returning. before i just couldnt even think about food. even if infront of me - everything about it made me feel like throwing up, even if it wasnt infront of me. but that constant sick feeling is starting to go. and i 'fancy' KFC but i dont think i could physically eat it... but im taking it as a positive step that at least im considering eating something. 'luckily' i have tomorrow off work. work have said to take as long as i need - but i dont know how long i need. i feel like i will take each day as it comes but i cant see wanting to go back, but then the longer i leave it the harder it will be. it might do me good to get back into a routine, get out of the house... but i cant face being there the whole day - not at the moment where im literally crying everyday... and my job is stressful anyway - i need to be strong at work and i cant be that at the moment. this is just the hardest thing isnt it? i am glad i could offer you anything positive at this point and you are not on a time line... of when you should or how long it takes...or what you need to do... no one can decide this for you but you.. Believe me i know!!! i will say this---your parents are not looking at you with pitty, it is with love and helplessness, that they cannot fix this for you. all parents do not want to see their children hurt, but if you tell what you really need from them right now(whatever that is--if anything-- if it is nothing --tell them that they will understand ) but, they will feel useful in helping you, when you give them some direction in what it is you need from them. as far as eating goes ... your body will get what it needs it always does, so if you don't feel like eating right now that is normal, it will pass, you will eat again. if you look at it this way no one can think rationally when they are hungry or sleepy, then you may want to eat a little something so you can think clearly !! Just a suggestion! and i am glad to hear you give yourself credit... that is great, you have suffered a blow and that you wake up is a fantastic start and a show of your will to survive--- so congratulate yourself on every baby step you take!! You have earned it!!! my heart goes out to you and i hope i again have given you something positive to think about .... be kind to yourself...you are winning because you have not given up on you !!
Author heartbrokenem Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 hopes n dreams, what is nc? im guessing its 'no contact' but what is it - is there a thread on here about it?
hopesndreams Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 hopes n dreams, what is nc? im guessing its 'no contact' but what is it - is there a thread on here about it? You will find the most information about NC in the coping forum. So, you’ve had your heart broken, probably begged and tried to convince your ex to get back together with you and failed. Realising that staying in contact is causing you more pain than you can handle, you take the step of implementing this ‘No Contact’ (NC) that we advocate widely on the forum. So what’s it about then? And what is going to happen? Hopefully, most of the answers will be in this thread What is No Contact? While a seemingly simple question, there are variations of what ‘No Contact’ can mean. 1) You tell your ex that you won’t be contacting them and that they shouldn’t contact you. 2) You don’t tell your ex anything, and just drop off the face of the Earth. 3) You don’t tell your ex anything, you stop contacting them…but still allow them to contact you and you reply. (potentially damaging) In my opinion, the most effective forms of NC are 1 and 2. They allow you to heal, as the ex isn’t given any way of providing you with hope (bait) or potentially emotionally damaging information (who wants to hear how great their life is without you?) When starting NC, it is up to you what you want to say to your ex. Most people seem to say something along the lines of “Don’t call me unless you change your mind and want to give us another try”. It might also help to let them know that the window of opportunity to reconcile (from your perspective) will not be open forever. You also may want to tell the ex why your cutting them out of your life – tell them it is so you can heal and move on. And in reality that IS why you’re doing it…… Why implement No Contact? First and foremost, you are removing the source of your pain (your ex) from your life. If they aren’t in your life, they cannot hurt you – it’s as simple as that. And while the loss of the ex from your life in itself is painful, the benefits far outweigh the initial emotional turmoil. No Contact allows you to get back on your feet and start to feel confident in who you are again. Remember a time when you were single and happy? Well No Contact is going to put you on the road to getting back to that point. Some may be reluctant to take steps to regain independence, but you are useless to anyone (including your ex if they want you back) if you are unable to be happy with yourself. No Contact can also serve another purpose, and this is the one that (if you are seeking reconciliation) will probably be used by you as inspiration to keep strong in avoiding picking up that phone or sending that email. And that is of course, to send your ex a wake-up call and perhaps make them second-guess their decision to end the relationship. Will No Contact bring my ex back? Perhaps, perhaps not. There is no fool-proof way to get your ex back…if there were, we would all be using it and would all have our exes back. There has to be some desire to reconcile inside your ex – NC will not create that desire, but it may certainly bring any underlying doubts they have to the surface. That does not mean that your ex will act on these doubts…but you can be certain that NC will at the very least make them realise just what life without you is like. Will my ex miss me? To be honest, it shouldn’t matter – you should be doing NC for YOU. Having said that, it is always easier to stay focussed on maintaining NC if you know that it is having at least some effect on your ex. So, will they miss you? In most cases (unless you have become a thorn in their side), yes - absolutely. For those who have exes that want to remain friends: Why do you think that is? It’s because they want you in their life. Exes very rarely stay friends…so in effect, when an ex asks to stay friends they are essentially saying “I still want you in my life”. They are not ready to let you go (yet), so by implementing NC you are forcing them to lose you right then and there. NC prevents the ex from using you to cushion the blow of the break-up….by weaning themselves off you slowly. Without NC you can be certain that once your ex is back on their feet emotionally (helped there by you), that the ‘friendship’ that seemed so important to them at the time will be non-existent. No Contact is a far better option than staying friends. Being friends causes you pain and allows your ex to heal quicker. NC causes your ex pain and allows you to heal quicker Not exactly rocket science, huh? When should I implement No Contact? ASAP but you must be certain that you can stay strong and stick to it. NC isn’t a decision that should be reversed until you are completely healed. If you keep implementing NC and then breaking it, it sends a message to your ex that you are needy and haven’t got the strength or the conviction to follow through on your commitments. Using NC without being genuinely committed to it is a recipe for disaster – you will break it and look weak. And you if you try to use NC again, your ex will not be too bothered….because “You said that last time”. That’s why NC should not be used as a ‘shock tactic’ – don’t expect to implement NC and for your ex to come running back to you in a week or even a month. If you use NC, you have to be in it for the long haul. Will No Contact push my ex away? If there is hope for your relationship, then no it won’t – it will make your ex think about their decision. After a few weeks of NC, you’ll probably get worried and start deluding yourself with thoughts like “Maybe they’ve forgotten about me…and maybe they think I don’t still love them”. If that’s the way you’re thinking, then how about considering this: If you have NC with your ex for a few weeks and then contact them to tell you that you still care…what message does that send? It says to your ex “I implemented NC to move on and heal…and now 3 weeks down the track I haven’t moved on or healed at all.” The ex will again know that they can still have you if they want you…and even if they don’t hear from you for another few weeks, they won’t be overly concerned – the last few weeks hadn’t diminished your feelings, so why would the ex think the next few will? Not a bad little (HUGE) security boost for the ex there, huh? Not to mention a huge step backwards for your good self. How long will I keep hurting? For as long as you allow yourself to. Remember, the ex is now out of your life – they cannot hurt you. So if you’re still feeling pain it is coming from within you – not from them. It is perfectly normal to miss your ex, and by miss I mean that some days will be almost unbearable. Go out, meet with friends (don’t talk about the ex!) or if it’s late at night think about the things you didn’t like about your ex…and even revisit arguments you may have had with them. If you have to think about your ex, think about the negatives. Thinking about the good times is pointless – there is no possibility of having them back at the moment, and to dwell on what you once had is ultimately self-destructive. Ideally, you should be doing your best to not think about your ex – do whatever it takes and keep busy. The less you think about them, the less you will hurt. Soon enough, not thinking about them will become normal. What if the ex breaks NC and calls/emails me? Two options: Respond or don’t respond. If you have completely given up hope or don’t wish to reconcile with your ex – ignore the contact and keep ignoring any further attempts at contact. Easy. If you are seeking reconciliation, then it depends on what the ex says when they contact you. If they are calling for a ‘catch up’, politely tell your ex that you were serious about NC and that they must respect your decision. This call may come after a few days, a few weeks or a few months. Don’t get into any discussions about yourself and what you’re up to – keep it short, and make it clear to your ex that NC isn’t just a whim….you are serious about it. Remind them, if it comes up, that friendship is not an option. Make it clear that you are respecting their decision to end the relationship, and now they have to respect your decision to end contact. If you are seeking reconciliation, you also have every right to question your ex about their intentions if they contact you. Do so at the beginning of the interaction – there’s no point having a great conversation with the ex and getting your hopes up only to find out at the end of the call that nothing has changed. Save yourself the trouble and find out at the start - if their motivation for calling you is anything short of what you are after, terminate the conversation politely…but quickly. Tips Remove any photos and reminders you have of your ex from your life. Put them in a box and pack them away. You don’t need things like that preventing you from moving on. Copy down your ex’s email address and phone numbers on a piece of paper, and put them in the same box. Then delete the email address from your computer and their numbers from your phone. If you are strong enough to delete their contact details without writing them down, then do it! If not, do the above – it will remove the temptation to contact your ex (especially when you are out having a couple of drinks or at home alone in front of the pc ). Stop talking about your ex with your friends. They’ll get sick of it, and it won’t help you one bit.
Author heartbrokenem Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 i havent contacted him today. i dont plan on contacting him. i understand that i cant keep on at him at trying to give things a go. when he came yesterday to talk - so i could get some answers - i told him that once he'd gone i didnt want unanswered questions. that if he told me there and then that he needed more time, i would wait. but if he told me that it was definitely over then i would have to accept that decision and begin to move on. he understood this and said he knew i wouldnt wait forever. i told him i couldnt. that my heart will start to heal and if he changes his mind i wont be able to open it back up to him. so at the moment, there is no contact. i cant specifically tell him not to contact me etc... as we have so much to sort out yet. i still have all of his clothes and belongings here. we both arent ready for him to pack up all of his things. i expect that he will want all of his stuff in a week or so. at the moment he just has his work uniform and a few clothes. we will then at some point need to decide how we are going to pay the rest of the loan off, what we will do about our dog, what we will do about our joint account, about our joint belongings... after that is done - there will be no need for us to have contact. i have always told him that i could never be friends with him if we ever split up. i wouldnt want to know when he moves on or what his been up to in his life without me. he said yesterday that he knows ive always said that but that he would always be there for me if i ever needed to talk to him. maybe he is trying to keep his options open as far as thats concerned. but in all seriousness - i do not think i could get back with him after this week, after what he has put me through. if he was to tell me now that he made a mistake and wants to work at it i would really need to think about it. i definitely would not be jumping straight back in there. if he tells me in a week or two i think it will be too late. plus i dont think i have the balls to accept him back after putting our families through this and friends. my friends have been extremely supportive, it helps me to talk about it - but i am consious that i will become the annoying whingey mate who keeps going on about her failed marriage... so as much as they want to be there for me - right now i dont want to be around them. because its all i want to talk about. i want to get to that stage where they can ask how im doing and i can say its hard, but im getting there. whereas at the moment all i can say is that im a wreck i miss him, i want him back, i wish this never happened, i cant eat, i cant sleep, why is this happening - - blah blah blah... so i think im naturally sticking to these little rules... time is what is needed.
health Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 heartbrokenem - Your ex may not have anyone else. As I understand everyone who replied to you had this happen to them. It's understandable that people whould give advice based on their biographies but you will see in time what the truth is. Really, it doesn't even matter. You deserve someone who will love and appreciate you for you!
Author heartbrokenem Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 hi i had an ok day yesterday. im still in the fog of despair but i hardly cried and have stopped thinking why/what if etc... i think im just beginning to accept it and start to think of how my life will now be without him. what i want to do next. i felt strong enough this morning to take off my wedding and engagement rings. i also took down all of our wedding photos. i now feel pretty ****ty, but being on here helps. im thinking that in the next few weeks - or however long, i dont know, i will go salsa dancing. its always been something i've wanted to try but H has no sense of rythm, he said once that he would come and give it a try but i knew he wouldnt so we never went. my friend asked me months ago, when we were talking about getting more exercise/losing weight - if i wanted to go salsa but i didnt reply because i knew that time spent there would be time spent away from H - it felt like we hardly saw each other anyway so, just put it out of my head. but i love dancing, i used to line dance (stop laughing!) and i remember the escapism. u could only concentrate on the steps so it stops you thinking of anything else, the excercise makes you feel better, and its fun... so salsa... when im ready for that. also, im pretty depressed about now being stuck living with my parents. we only came back here to save to buy a place of our own. i hate living here. i moved out of home 4 years ago because it literally did my head in living with them and i wanted to spend more time with H. This past year living here has been hard and now not only am i devastated to have lost H, but i feel like hes abandoned me here. I have two younger brothers - one who is moving out in the next few weeks with his GF and another who is getting married in June, as Christians they will be moving in together soon after their wedding... as the oldest i feel like the one who has regressed at the moment. like ive been left behind. my life was sorted and now its not. now im living at home with mum and dad... so! ive decided that im going to keep saving up - and i will still look to move out next year. i wont be able to afford to buy somewhere but i'll rent. either with one of my friends or on my own. i could probably afford to rent on my own but it would take ALL of my wages and i would be lonely. so hopefully a friend would be willing to share with me. the only reason H and i stopped renting was because i want children before im 30 - renting meant that we couldnt save to buy anywhere, and i didnt want to have children whilst renting - its so uncertain with renting, landlords could sell at any point and you have to keep moving around, plus you cant make a rental 'your own' because theres all these rules about decoration etc... and you wouldnt want to change anything drastic about the property because theres no point adding value to it when you dont get anything back when you leave... so thats why we wanted to buy... i hope today will be a better day. i might go for a walk later... i think im starting to get fed up of laying in bed all day. his stuff is still here - like everything - i still cant bear to touch it but i also dont want it here anymore. like it being here is making me think - maybe he will come back to me - but i know thats not going to happen. but once all his stuff is gone, its final. it will be a slap round the face - like 'this is really happening' but now, i know hes got to come back here. ive got to see him again. we've got to go through stuff. watching him leave with all his things is going to hurt so so much, but i think after that initial pain i will be like 'thats it, its done'. i will be able to take a deep breath and plan my life without him in it.
Author heartbrokenem Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 i feel strong or empowered today. the wedding ring and engagement rings are off, the wedding photos have been taken down. it felt really *****ty after, but we're now a few hours later and it hasnt crushed me. i havent cried. i am ok. i feel like i have done enough moping and praying he is going to call to tell me this is a mistake and he wants to try. its not going to happen. i have to believe that. i have been concentrating today on life without H. i feel like im detatching from the pain. im not sure if thats the right thing to do or not? i feel like i should just let my feelings play out. sit here for weeks on end, cry everyday - come to terms with it. but at the same time i know i cant do that - i would just spiral into a deep depression. what should i be doing? regarding his stuff - i am trying to not contact him but i feel like i need his stuff to be gone. i dont want it gone in one way but i need it gone. i feel like i have accepted his decision now. i feel like - if we wait another week or so and then he comes to get his stuff i will take a backwards step - it will throw me, i will be back to crying and face the realisation that it's over all over again. if it goes now, at least i can get that over with sooner. what i dont want is to have felt really ***** last week, be feeling ok now - feel stronger as the days go on and then for him to come get his stuff and to be back to feeling like i did last week. you know, thinking 'why is this happening? why doesnt he love me? why wont he try?' etc... i just want to get that all done now. so... should i contact him to tell him to come get his stuff asap? we both said we werent ready for that yet on saturday - i dont know if im ready yet but i feel like i need it gone. to face up to this reality... help?
hopesndreams Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 feel like i have accepted his decision now. i feel like - if we wait another week or so and then he comes to get his stuff i will take a backwards step - it will throw me, i will be back to crying and face the realisation that it's over all over again. Agreed. Take the bull by the horns and pack up his stuff into boxes and garbage bags. Is there a garage to store it? Is there someone around to help you? When he contacts you, tell him matter of factly that his stuff is packed and he can pick it up anytime. When he does set a time, have all the boxes and bags put on the curb for pick-up. Doing this is not heartless it's meant to protect your heart. Deal with past hurts and have no more future hurts from him. Doing this shows him that you are strong, confident and can live life without him. It will throw him for a loop. He is fully expecting you to hang on and wait for HIS say so on what will happen to the marriage. Don't give him that pleasure. He chose to leave you. The truth of why hasn't come out yet and it may never. Time to go salsa dancing!
Author heartbrokenem Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 Hello I dont want to go through all of his stuff on my own, dont want to pack it for him. i dont want to make this easy for him. i want him to have to go through it - to go through that motion. packing up his stuff, realising the gravity of what he has decided. how easy would it be for him to just swing by, collect his stuff and go? why should i be the one with that responsibility? he can abandon me and his stuff and i will sort it for him? nah. i have decided that i am going to make sure all of his stuff is clean so it is ready to take, i will put all of his underwear etc into bin liners but as far as putting stuff in boxes or bags? no, he can do that himself. im also not going to go through all our dvds and separate them, cds, not going to go through our photos so he can take the ones of his holidays etc... if he wants them he can do that. im not going to go through the boxes of our stuff, the cards we kept from each other and school photos etc... he can do that. i shouldnt have to go through that on my own. i understand its going to be painful and he will see me weak having to go through that together but i feel like we need to go through that together. i do not think he should 'get away' with not having to deal with any of that. so, im going to start now on getting his underwear etc... all together, doing a wash of his laundry and then im going to text him to tell him that im ready for him to come and get his stuff and i would like him to do that asap. (hopefully today or tomorrow). i just need it done.
hopesndreams Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Why can't you bin his dirty underwear? I hope for your sake he doesn't drag it out and does shows up today or tomorrow to take care of it all. If he is a no show, seriously consider my previous post. Don't show him weakness. No tears. Ok? It will have the opposite effect on him. It will not draw him closer to you. He knows you still love him. He is the one bailing, not you. Do not be an emotional support for him during this time. You might just find something in his belongings to put the pieces of the puzzle into place. That would be a good thing. A very good thing.
willowthewisp Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Don't do his washing, I did that and I regreted it ever since, made me feel like a push over. Simply put his dirty washing in a bin liner - he wants to be alone, let him do his own d**m washing!
Author heartbrokenem Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 because im not that kind of person. he had only very few clothes in the laundry and thats now in the wash. i text him and asked when he can come get his stuff. if he doesnt come today or tomorrow i think i will HAVE to go through it all. just to get it out of sight. i really want him to have to deal with that tho. i feel otherwise like he made the decision to leave and its just a clean break from him. hes moved back to his mums and hasnt had to do much of anything! im the one who has been left in our room, in our bed, having to look at all of our stuff everyday. he needs to do something. what do you expect me to find by 'going through his belongings'? receipts of where he has taken his ''new woman'' out to dinner? he doesnt drive, we're always together. he works with men. when do you think he could go out and start an affair? no, if he has been starting anything up it would be online - and seeing as he has changed his FB password, im just not going to find out. i've accepted it, i really dont understand why it seems to be in the forefront of your mind... how do you suppose i would feel if i find out he has been seeing someone else? do you think i would be relieved? because there was a 'good reason' for the break up? do you think i would be angry, and therefore transform that anger into strength? do you think it would make it easier to get over him? no. it would crush me even harder. it would make me question every single part of our relationship - go over the last few months, wondering if he slept with her, when they could have hooked up... it would cause so much more mental anguish - i really cannot understand why you think bringing up that he might have cheated would make this any better? is it that you just want to get it out there, so that if it's true you get some kind of validation? so that you can feel smug about 'being right'? it's not exactly helpful is it?
hopesndreams Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 because im not that kind of person. he had only very few clothes in the laundry and thats now in the wash. i text him and asked when he can come get his stuff. if he doesnt come today or tomorrow i think i will HAVE to go through it all. just to get it out of sight. i really want him to have to deal with that tho. i feel otherwise like he made the decision to leave and its just a clean break from him. hes moved back to his mums and hasnt had to do much of anything! im the one who has been left in our room, in our bed, having to look at all of our stuff everyday. he needs to do something. what do you expect me to find by 'going through his belongings'? receipts of where he has taken his ''new woman'' out to dinner? he doesnt drive, we're always together. he works with men. when do you think he could go out and start an affair? no, if he has been starting anything up it would be online - and seeing as he has changed his FB password, im just not going to find out. i've accepted it, i really dont understand why it seems to be in the forefront of your mind... how do you suppose i would feel if i find out he has been seeing someone else? do you think i would be relieved? because there was a 'good reason' for the break up? do you think i would be angry, and therefore transform that anger into strength? do you think it would make it easier to get over him? no. it would crush me even harder. it would make me question every single part of our relationship - go over the last few months, wondering if he slept with her, when they could have hooked up... it would cause so much more mental anguish - i really cannot understand why you think bringing up that he might have cheated would make this any better? is it that you just want to get it out there, so that if it's true you get some kind of validation? so that you can feel smug about 'being right'? it's not exactly helpful is it? Knowledge is power. I'm not a smug person and I don't post to help people in order to get validation. It's too bad you've misread my intentions. I know you are hurt, upset, angry, desperate and lashing out. I've been in your shoes, it hurts like nothing else. If your H is not cheating on you, then you stand a good chance of getting him back, BUT, the same game plan still stands.
Author heartbrokenem Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 (edited) sorry for snapping - i know that a lot of the people on here are going through or have been through the same thing. i know that a lot of the time another woman or man's involvement is the reason for a relationship breakdown. im not saying 'no way, not ever' or 'he would never do that' im saying there is NOTHING to lead me to believe that he has been playing away. i am not going to 'dig' around to try to find stuff. if it is the case that he has met someone else and that is why, im better off not knowing. the explanation he has provided to me is good enough for me, i understand his reasons. i do not agree with them, but i understand them. if i found now that he has been seeing someone else or embarking on something new it will make me extremely bitter. do you understand? ETA - also, i dont think i want him back. i have been thinking a lot of the last few days and i dont think i could go back there again with him. i was wishing he would change his mind, want me back - but really, thinking about it, i dont wish that. what i wish is that this never happened. that he never said anything. i would have happily stayed with him for the rest of my life if this never happened. however, it has happened and i really dont think that i could just pretend it hasnt. that he hasnt got these doubts about us, that he wouldnt do this again. plus i dont think i have the balls to accept him back after this week and what our families and friends have been through with this. there is no game here for me. part of me wants him to want me back but i dont actually think i could go there. of course i dont know how i would feel if he changed his mind and did want me back... angry probably. Edited October 11, 2010 by heartbrokenem
Beebie Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Heartbrokenem - some people (myself included) have a desperate need to find out the truth behind their spouse's sudden departure from a marriage. If you don't want to know that reason, then that's perfectly OK. You must do whatever feels right for YOU. I also understand your feelings of not wanting to "sweep his path" for him and MAKING him pack up his own things. However you're hurting enough already and (for me) the sight of H packing up his things to leave me would just be too much. I would do as others suggest - put his things in boxes/bin liners and let him pick them up. It shows enormous strength (on your part) that you've been able to carry out this task and leaves him in no doubt that you're a strong lady who isn't going to be left dangling on a string. I think the salsa classes are a great idea and good for you for planning ahead. I hope you're eating something now Heartbrokenem. As the days go by, you will get stronger. It takes time but you're heading in the right direction.
2.50 a gallon Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 (edited) I have read your thread and worry that what I have to say might trouble you. I know this might hurt now, but from one who is standing back and is a lot older and can see things from a different point of view. First be greatful that he had the courage to tell you now instead of years down the road, when as you acknowledge with a mortgage and kids it might be even worse. And you admitted that you too also can see how you are different. You say you are afraid that you have wasted 8 years of your life, how much more tragic would it have been that this number grew even higher into the teens and twenties, and been stuck trying to stay together for the kids. Reading between the lines, the two of you fell in love as teenagers and have been together ever since. You don't need to answer this here, but in your mind how many other men have you kissed? Not many I would guess. In short, my guess is he sees that the two of you settled, and tried to live a life with your first love. But with time, the two of you changed. You admit that the hugs and kisses had fallen way off. Those 8 years are not wasted if you can figure out what you really want and need in you next relationship Edited October 11, 2010 by 2.50 a gallon
2.50 a gallon Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 (edited) "ugly and useless . . . and if he doesn't want me . . . how will anyone else?'' You are under 30, which means you are still young. You hung your star on one man and have not given the others in this world a shot at you. My guess is, once you get into you salsa classes, and yes that is a fantastic idea, that you are going to have lots of men wanting to get close to you. Your problem is going to be selecting the right one instead of some player. Speaking of players, as a former player, I was on the lookout and used to be able to pick out girls like you, just out of a marriage, low self esteem, and probably only had one or two sex partners in their lives. There is nothing wrong with playing with that type of guy, you might learn a lot, but just remember, do not let yourself get too involved, as there is always the next flavor of the month. And speaking of sex, you said you had a good sex life, and the last time was great. How do you know that you might not find even better out there. Again, you don't need to answer this on this forum, but could you H give you the big O from across the floor at a party with the room full of people. Find one who can do that then get serious. There is nothing wrong with line dancing. Even if you live another hundred years, life is still too short, and if you enjoy life, get your buns up off the chair and boogie, while you can. It matters not, how you do it, line, salsa, disco or stomp, just do it. And if there is not a guy to partner with, dance by yourself. What I am trying to say, you H has given you a new shot at a different life. Your old life had gotten stale, yes it hurts, but take this opportunity to move on and upward through your life. Trust an old man who has been there, there are many new good days ahead of you. Almost everyone who posts on this board, has been in the pit that you now find yourself. The best way to get out of it is to take a firm grip on yourself and move on, scary as it seems at first to move on alone. But you are going to learn that it is alright to live alone, that you can survive living alone, and then when you do find that new guy, you will be less dependent on him and more dependent on yourself. Edited October 11, 2010 by 2.50 a gallon
Author heartbrokenem Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 2.50 a gallon, im not exactly sure what you are trying to say? that it was never going to work because we met as teenagers??? his parents met at 17. my parents met at 19. my grandparents met at 16... what does it matter when we met? why does it matter how many men ive kissed? (8, if it's important to you) would you like to know how many men i've slept with and how many women he has slept with? we grew up together and experienced life together. what i am trying to appreciate in all this is that in years to come i may feel greatful that he 'freed' me to go and grow on my own. to experience life on my own and on my own terms... thats what i am desperately trying to concentrate on right now. that maybe i will go on to find someone with whom i share similar interests. like i said i understand his reasons for ending it but i do not agree with them. if he wanted to make this work, it would have worked. whos to say that in years to come we wouldnt have had similar interests? we have common ground, we are 'into' the same things (watching street dance, tattoos, comedians, live concerts) but never spent enough time enjoying these things together. over years we could reflect on our past together, previous holidays and events. in time children would come and who knows - our child could have gotten into a sport or something to which we would both have an interest. we would spend time as a family... god, who knows! its not going to happen now, im not going to torture myself with thoughts of the life i had planned out... maybe i will never find what we had ever again. maybe i will always love him. always compare the next men to him.
Author heartbrokenem Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 ok... i replied before you posted your second response... i have been posting on here, just how im feeling and how im doing. it helps to get it out of my head. how i felt last week is not how i feel today. im bound to have ups and downs and feel all kinds of things, today is a good day.
willowthewisp Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 because im not that kind of person. Implying what? That I am some kind of bad person for suggesting it? what do you expect me to find by 'going through his belongings'? receipts of where he has taken his ''new woman'' out to dinner? he doesnt drive, we're always together. he works with men. when do you think he could go out and start an affair? no, if he has been starting anything up it would be online - and seeing as he has changed his FB password, im just not going to find out. i've accepted it, i really dont understand why it seems to be in the forefront of your mind... how do you suppose i would feel if i find out he has been seeing someone else? do you think i would be relieved? because there was a 'good reason' for the break up? do you think i would be angry, and therefore transform that anger into strength? do you think it would make it easier to get over him? no. it would crush me even harder. it would make me question every single part of our relationship - go over the last few months, wondering if he slept with her, when they could have hooked up... it would cause so much more mental anguish - i really cannot understand why you think bringing up that he might have cheated would make this any better? is it that you just want to get it out there, so that if it's true you get some kind of validation? so that you can feel smug about 'being right'? it's not exactly helpful is it? People who are replying to you on this thread are doing so because they want to help, becaus ethey have been where you are right now. We don't take time out of day to reply to someone just to get validation. I unerstand that you are upset right now, but please try to remember that other people who are replying to you here are also hurting, even those further on, myself included. Heartbrokenem - some people (myself included) have a desperate need to find out the truth behind their spouse's sudden departure from a marriage. If you don't want to know that reason, then that's perfectly OK. You must do whatever feels right for YOU. . This is why people were trying to offer explanations for his behaviour. For some of us here, we were literally abandoned with no warning or expalnation and it takes a long time to try and discover what happened. That can be very painful, it was and STILL IS for me, I am a year and half on and in counselling because I am not able to move forward due to the way in which I was left. If you don't need that, that's OK, we're here to give you whatever you need, but please don't attack those of us that are trying to help you.
Author heartbrokenem Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 im not implying anything. im not that kind of person means im not angry. i dont want to 'get him back'. this isnt one-up-man-ship. i dont think he would have been particularly bothered if i left his dirty clothes dirty. it was something i had to do. to organise. to structure. to take control. i dont think im attacking anyone. do you think i have the energy to do that? to pick arguments? im just fed up of the comments and insinuations that hes cheated. you can only go by what information i have typed here. i didnt come here for judgements on my relationship or to be told he must have cheated on me because that can be the only reason our relationship would have ended... i have said so many times that I dont think he has cheated. i would guess that none of you know me or him...? so have no real way of actually knowing. i have said that in the event he has met someone else that i do not want to know. so why keep pushing?
willowthewisp Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 im not implying anything. im not that kind of person means im not angry. i dont want to 'get him back'. this isnt one-up-man-ship. i dont think he would have been particularly bothered if i left his dirty clothes dirty. it was something i had to do. to organise. to structure. to take control. i dont think im attacking anyone. do you think i have the energy to do that? to pick arguments? im just fed up of the comments and insinuations that hes cheated. you can only go by what information i have typed here. i didnt come here for judgements on my relationship or to be told he must have cheated on me because that can be the only reason our relationship would have ended... i have said so many times that I dont think he has cheated. i would guess that none of you know me or him...? so have no real way of actually knowing. i have said that in the event he has met someone else that i do not want to know. so why keep pushing? WOW, how rude! Well, I felt attcked by what you said to me and others on this board and again by your above post. I won't bother trying to explain again as you seem determined to percieve anything and everything said to you in a negative light. Is this the way you always behave towards other people?
MemphisMan Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 We have a bit in common. My wife and I began dating at 17yo and married at 23. Weve been married for a little over 11 years. We do have 2 beautiful children. I moved out 5 weeks ago and it is still hard. I have always been the dependent type and it wont magically change but she has come around a bit. Ive changed face about contacting her.. only about the children or emergent things. I do believe she is taken aback how i am not there seeking approval or needing her opinion. She was the unhappy one. Life not feeling fulfilled. We spoke for the first time in 4 weeks this past saturday. She wants to see the type of person i become ..she wants to see how we both evolve and she feels pained about the strain we both have felt emotionally, finanacially and foremost the pain the kids are experiencing. Literally 5 hours after talking we were in bed together. yes it was physical. she stayed the nite. The kids came in the next morning and it felt like xmas morning ya know? Infedility. Too many look at that for the initial reason imo. I do believe it is easy to read about one's predictament and automatically assume the worst. Very well true in cases. IMO you know your husband. Know him as a man. I could be wrong but I dont think their is infedlility but take it with a grain of salt. My wife and I arent reconciling anytime soon but i do want to flip a switch and have all this end. The pain does get easier but i still cry daily if only for 5 mins. We grew up together. Please keep posting. It can be therapeutic for you.
Author heartbrokenem Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 i really do not have the energy for this. what are you trying to acheive here? i am sorry if you feel attacked. i havent said anything to attack you. i dont know why you are taking this personally. its always hard to perceive tone in a typed message. i do not think that anything i have said is offensive though. it is offensive to me to have people cast aspersions on my relationship. i understand that people wish to share their own experiences, but i guess i will get a biased view here... people will project their own experiences onto others. maybe they see the same patterns or signs, but really, no one else knows your relationship like you do. i came here to vent. i came here to see if anyone else has gone through anything similar to my situation. i came here to see if anyone has sucessfully reconciled. quite clearly, you are offended by my postings. i think i will just continue to journal as a release and just come here to read advice rather than seeking it out.
Recommended Posts