Is she cheating?

[unappreciated]

I would really appreciate a women's perspective on this. My fiance and I have been together over 5 yrs. Our sex life was very good up until roughly 2-3yr marker and even worse the last year. I have done everything I can think of to make it better and to get her to want it more. I am always willing to please her first, in other words I am anything but a selfish lover. Even with my efforts still nothing, in fact when we d have sex she is the one that rather it be quick. She hardly lets/wants me to pleasure her. I dont thinkk its because I am bad at it because it does work if you know what I mean and I listen to her if she tells me to do it a certain way. What alarms me the most is just the lack of intimacy in general. For example, when we have sex it is always "doggy" which I must admit is my favorit but sometime I like to be close to her and more passionate. Doggy is more like just F@$%ing, which can be fun at times too. In addition to that we never kiss passionately anymore either. We do kis and if there is any tongue its like a split second and thats it. I just gives me the impression that either, A) she is cheating and cant bare being that passionate w/me anymore or B) she just doesnt find me attractive anymore, or possibly both A&B. We have discussed the lack of sex and I have given her time to see the docter and check out possible causes for her low sex drive, which I believe that she could very well have some issues with her birth control and other things. Yet, that still doesnt explain the general lack of affection. Every time I ask her about it she doesnt give me a very good answer. Its always, "I never really liked making out" or "I still find you attractive". We used to "make out" all the time and very passionately either during sex or not, so I dont really by the never liked making out response. As far as the sex goes, she tells me she she feels bad but if I were her I would make more of an effort to at least try to satisfy my needs. I dont get angry about it and I try to be understanding but sometimes I so get upset but its mostly because my feelings are hurt. I feel like she doesnt want me. I work a graveyard shift 5 nights a week so she could be cheating and I would have a hard time finding out if she was. I am even more concerned lately because I found something to be a little odd. I apologize ahead for the detail of this. When we have sex she uses a vibrator for stimulation, and she only uses it during sex. A few days ago I was getting socks from my drawer where she keeps it and picked it up to move it. It had dryed...resedue on it which is normal after sex but I had just cleaned all of our toys a day or 2 earlier because I think its gross not to. There is the possibility that she used it alone but she swears she never does that and it probably wouldnt be so messy. If she does ever use it alone I know for a fact that she would use it for more then clitoral stimulation cause she does not like to put it you know where. I am trying to think that maybe I just never cleaned that one or we did use it since cleaning but I am pretty sure we didnt. I know this is long but please give me some feedback. No matter how hard I try I will never know how a woman works so any input from a women's complex mind would really help.

[Bryanp]

There really is no solid proof of her cheating. The fact that she refuses intimacy is a huge problem. Something clearly is going on. You sound like a very considerate lover. She is emotionally rejecting you because of something. If she refuses to be honest with you then maybe you should ask yourself whether it is time to move on and find someone else who can appreciate you. I wish you luck.

[unappreciated]

Thanks for the inout I really appreciate it. We did go through a rough patch not too long ago because I had lost my job and and wasnt really progressing in life. Since then I have done a 180. I have been in school with 4.0GPA for the first time ever and have since found a new job, which is really crapy schedule on top of school. I never really noticed my issues until the big fight. I am only 23 and up until now I aways had ambitions but never really did anything about them. My fiance comes from a wealthy family that only cares about money on one side and her other parent is more about what is really important. So she has tendancies from the two. Once I lost my job I was pretty much wrthless in her families eyes and I know this caused some issues but like I said Im only 23 and just beginning to figure things out. She also is a very worrysome person which leads to a lot of stress, which leads to not a lot of sex drive. I also read that a lot of women's birth control will deminish their sex drive as weel. So considering both those issues I am willing to accept that as an explanation for the lack of sex. The thing that concerns me the most is the lack of affection because those issues staed above dont account for that. I dont expect you to have much advice/explantion on that because I think only a woman could understand or know the cause. But if for some reason you do have any experience or knowledge on that I would love to hear it. Thanks again for the advice. I have been considering my options but dont want to lose her and the good things we still share and shared.

[MissWild]

First off let me just say that i felt that i had to reply to this thread to give you her side of the story so to speak...

 

About 6 months ago, the EXACT same thing had happened to my fiance and I so i know how she feels as well as yourself. I Honestly DO NOT think she is cheating on you. Has there been any recent severe stress in her life?

 

As stated 6 months ago, I was under a lot of severe stress with a lot of things building up and over time it all got the better of me. I reacted to this by becoming withdrawn from my fiance, I did not show him any affection. If we kissed, it was a quick peck on the lips as i was not interested in anything more. I stopped having sex with him and at first he was understanding but he became quite frustrated as we hadn't had sex in 3 months. We had many discussions about "what was wrong with me" but i could never give him a straight answer and tried to shrug it off as i did not want to worry him with my "issues".

 

At the time this was all going on i began taking a new birth control pill which made things worse and fell into depression.

 

After an argument one night i erupted into frustration and anger and it took awhile for my fiance to calm me down, after doing so we had a long chat about everything and it helped. The next day we went to the doctors office and changed my pill... as it was a contributing factor into my behaviour. After we worked everything out and I leaned on him a little (something i have never done in the past) Our relationship went back to normal and my high sex drive returned as did my affection for my fiance.

 

Needless to say during all of this my partner wasn't exactly feeling loved or wanted, he, like yourself thought i was cheating or that i didn't find him attractive anymore, Which was not true.

 

In regard to the toys. I think that, yes she has been using them to pleasure herself but is denying it because she feels terrible that she is not currently pleasuring you. If she is depressed then she will not have the energy or the drive to be "going at it" for the desired amount of time that you would like. I think that she is using the toys for a quick tension/stress release.

 

 

I think you need to talk to your partner and find out what is really going on in her life/mind, find out how she is feeling and take it from there.

 

I must make one other comment and say please be patient with her, i know it is hard as you have your needs as well, but if the situation with her is exactly the same as it was with me then i can only tell you that it will take time and you need to be supportive...

 

 

I hope everything goes well for the both of you....

[unappreciated]

Thanks you very much for your advice and sharing your experience. I know it must be hard for her to deal with the pressure and guilt of making me unhappy. I really do try very hard to make her not feel that way but it is very frustrating and sometime I just dont know what to believe. I really didnt think that her birth control would also cause the lack of affection but the way you explained it makes sense in fact by coincidence she just mentioned that to me. I have tried very hard to be supportive and have done pretty well for the most part but it can be really difficult at times. I feel stupid and bad for suggesting that she may be cheating but the whole situation is just very confusing and taxing. She did just get a new pill which she will be starting in a week or so it is called reclypsin and the one she is currently taking is desygin. On top of the birth control, she is just a overwhelmingly worriesum person. She is never happy with anything and stresses her self out to the extreme. She did see the doctor about that as well and was perscribed some anxiety medication. I am confident these will help but I guess i just needed a little reasurance. I really appreciate your advice, it was very helpful.

[FryFish]

What misswild said is all fine and dandy... but statistically there is a very good chance she is cheating. I suggest you snoop.

[MissWild]

On top of the birth control, she is just a overwhelmingly worriesum person. She is never happy with anything and stresses her self out to the extreme.

 

 

I would suggest that she goes back to the doctor and get either a different medication if the one she is on is not working or ask the doctor if there is a counsellor nearby that she can see...

 

The more i re-read your posts the more i believe that she has something that is really troubling her... You need to sit down with her and get to the root of the problem...

 

She is displaying the same signs I had when I was going through a difficult time in my life. As I said previously, I don't think she is cheating on you, however it is natural to feel the way you are feeling, because she has withdrawn from you.

 

Has she given you any reason prior to this as to why you feel that she may be cheating? Has she cheated on you in the past? If yes, how did she react towards you?

[MissWild]

statistically there is a very good chance she is cheating

 

There may be a very good reason why she is acting the way she is. I highly doubt she is cheating but it may be a possibility. Please enlighten me with your statistics...

 

I suggest you snoop.

 

Ever heard the phrase "Curiosity killed the cat"?

[fltc]

The OP posted under the title "Is she cheating" so obviously he wants/needs to know, he suspects that she is and the relationship cannot move in either direction until he does know.

 

I think that snooping is a very good answer under the circumstances.

[unappreciated]

Thank again everyone. I do wanna point one thing out that has me wondering. Every male who has responded immediately jumps to cheating...To answer your questions MissWild, She really is going through anything significant that I know of other than starting her new job. She has always had a hard time adapting to change so this does have her more stressed than ususal. We do share pretty much everything with eachother as far as things that are troubling us goes so if there were something she was going through she would most likely tell me. We have always had a good relationship, we dont break up every other month like a lot of couples our age do. We have never broken up period. We have never really had any issues other than what has gone on recently. So I have never had any reason to believe that she could be cheating and I dont really think she is now but I do feel it is something I needed to consider, which is why I posted. She just started taking that medication so only time will tell if it will help. Although, I would thing that meds like that usually start to make a big difference almost immediately, I know it was that way for me when I started taking Adderal for my extreme ADHD haha. I feel like we are moving in the right direction but like I said before its just hard not to have these emotions and thoughts. I do have a question for you though MissWild...The difficult time you mentioned you went through...was it something in your relationship or some other aspect of your life? I guess what I'm asking is what should I be looking for?

[that girl]

My first question when a woman loses interest in sex is:

 

Is she on any kind of hormonal birth control? (the pill, the patch, some IUDs). Those can really effect someone's sex drive.

 

You could discuss it with her and maybe try a short term switch to condoms down the road.

 

I also wonder about how much time you spend together. If you work the graveyard, what are her hours like? Could it be that you just aren't getting enough time together?

 

When we have sex she uses a vibrator for stimulation, and she only uses it during sex. A few days ago I was getting socks from my drawer where she keeps it and picked it up to move it. It had dryed...resedue on it which is normal after sex but I had just cleaned all of our toys a day or 2 earlier because I think its gross not to. There is the possibility that she used it alone but she swears she never does that and it probably wouldnt be so messy. If she does ever use it alone I know for a fact that she would use it for more then clitoral stimulation cause she does not like to put it you know where. I am trying to think that maybe I just never cleaned that one or we did use it since cleaning but I am pretty sure we didnt.

I think it is quite possible that she masterbates but is embarassed to tell you.

 

I'm not getting a cheating vibe, but I am getting a drifting apart vibe. I would try to work on the other possible issues before worrying about cheating.

[MissWild]

Although, I would thing that meds like that usually start to make a big difference almost immediately,

 

Every medication is different as well as how people adapt to that medication. EG, for some it may take days for the meds to work, others, well it could take weeks as the meds need time to build up in your system. Like the birth control pill, it will take a month for it to work to its full power and this is why it is recommended to use protection during that time. I should also say that the birth control pill, depending on whether she is taking oestrogen only etc will play around with her emotions/hormones for the first 1-2 months.

 

I do have a question for you though MissWild...The difficult time you mentioned you went through...was it something in your relationship or some other aspect of your life?

 

It was not relationship related, is was due to an estate matter from my previous partner (which is still going on today) also during that time i no longer had contact with my mother (whom was like my best friend). I had also suddenly lost my nan to an overnight illness, who i had loved dearly.. There were a few other things but i won't go into details... So as you can see, i not only withdrew from my fiance i withdrew from all of those who loved me.

 

 

I guess what I'm asking is what should I be looking for?

 

Look for things like, is she spending more time around the house then normal? If she used to dress up for you, does she still do that? Or do you find her wearing sweat pants etc? I guess what i am saying is has she stopped taking care of her physical appearance? Do you find that she never wants to go out and have a good time but would rather stay at home instead? Has she become less commutative with those around her? Does she look depressed? Once you have answers to those questions and you can rule them out then it would be time to get to the bottom of the problem by asking her to either "come clean" on her behaviour or opt to see a counsellor...

Edited October 10, 2010 by MissWild

[unappreciated]

All those things you mentioned are not apperent at all. She does constantly complain about her weight and appearance just like every woman. She has gained some weight but I dont mind at all. I still find her very attractive and I make sure to tell her that almost daily. She really isnt over weight at all she is only like 130lb. I know for sure that my job is taking a big tole on our relationship right now especially with my school schedule on top of it. I work every weekend and its almost impossible to get a weekend day off. We have not gone out together for about six months and really only see eachother 4or5hrs a day on average. I just dont have a choice but to continue this job though. It is too hard to find a job now days and this one allows me to study all night or chat on forums haha. But I work from 10pm to 6am and then go straight to school until 4pm and then do it all over again. So when I am home I am usually sleeping. I do like my job but I hate what it is doing to me and our relationship. Its also kinda a double standard because it is causing some real issues but if I were to quite there would be just as many issues. We could probably afford for me not to work because she makes enough but I dont necessarily like the idea and she is totally against it. Her family is wealthy and pretty much centered around money but she is not as bad but still has some of those charactaristics. This one thing where I really have no idea what to do.

[MissWild]

It is uncanny how you and your partner are exactly like my partner and i, he works the grave yard shift and is away for work at the moment etc.

 

I feel like it is my fiance posting here... lol..

In response to the post on my thread, my fiance too has the same relationship with his father and was once an athlete until his father "dumped him" and refused to go to his games as he was told by his father that he has no "heart in it".

 

Anyway back to your thread, I think the only option you have now, is to ask her to "come clean" about her behaviour. If she won't then i am sorry to say but i think you guys may be growing apart.

[unappreciated]

That is odd but I guess thats why I find your advice so helpful. Our relationships is so odd too because we still will have such good things come out of each day and then all the negative with it. There has been a lot of changes lately and I think it has just thrown things a little off. But I will ask her flat out and explain to her why I am even asking such a thing. Hopefully she will understand. I added you to my contacts, whatever that means, because I enjoy talking to you and find your advice to be very helpful. I too thought for a second I swear this could be my fiance. I thought maybe I could private message you or something so we could talk more without having to go back and forth on this thread. If you know how to do that feel free to message me anytime. Considering the similiarities its kinda like talking to our partners about the things they dont fully reveal to us. Thanks for all the advice

[MissWild]

I am more then happy to talk to you privately but i am not sure how to do that as i am new here lol

[fltc]

I do wanna point one thing out that has me wondering. Every male who has responded immediately jumps to cheating...

 

Please look again at the title of your post, and:

 

I just gives me the impression that either, A) she is cheating and cant bare being that passionate w/me anymore or B) she just doesnt find me attractive anymore, or possibly both A&B.[\QUOTE]

 

Why would we think anything else?

 

Sorry for the misunderstanding but...... ?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I don't see any reason to think she is cheating. I see every reason to think she has simply gone off sex. Unfortunately that happens. Take a look at any one of the 'sexless marriage/wife' threads going on here. There are a lot of reasons that people struggle to find as to why it happens, but the sad fact is: some women just simply don't want or need sex in long term relationships, and really fail to see the importance of it. There are a few men here on the forums that can attest to that!

 

Now, that said - going off sex does not necessarily mean she will stop masturbating. For a lot of people those two are not the same. For the ones who have 'gone off' - sex is a chore, while masturbating is a simple release.

 

Now, she *might* be cheating but just from what you posted, I don't really see any reason to think so. Going off sex like that is all too common.

[TheLoveAdvisor]

I call them "ruts"... These will either help you grow together, or help you move on to separate ways...

 

You are both young, started dating right around 18, then college, bars, lots of changes from teenager to young adult...

You both appear to be more mature than others your age, as you have been together over 5 years, and that says alot! Congratulations! Lots of ups and downs and your still holding hands! Thats good...

 

Believe it or not, sex and girls are extremely complicated, and you will never, ever figure that one out...You can come close, but you will never figure out why women have different ideas about sex...It could be a number of factors, some being her age... I dated the same girl since she was 14, she is now 39 and we have been married 18 years. So I know about changes people go through, specially women..

Women have a tremendous amount of stuff on their plates, they deal with so much more than men..I know cause I see it first hand....

She is going through very tough changes right now, and sex is probably last on the list... Most women I have known over the years really didn't like sex that much until they got into their 30"s

The "Rut", things tend to fade, the Honeymoon doesn't last forever, and you soon find yourself sitting in a chair on the computer in your underwear thinking how did I get here??

The "Rut" is a time to reflect, try to fire things back up, but if she is in a time where she may need some space, this wont work, you need to back off, show some backbone, and let her know you can man up...

She is sizing you up, and comparing other men around her to make her final decision to spend her life with you or somebody else, this is why she is guarded with her body... On one hand, she is giving you some sex, but only a little, doesn't mean she will be like this forever, it may mean she hasn't decided fully to give herself to you 100%, and may be checking other mates out...

But, again, don't be alarmed if she asked for space, give it to her. If this space means you can see other people, make that clear to her and she should the same to you... But, if she says she wants space but doesn't want to see others, then be sure to keep an eye on her, she may have a man on the side.... But don't be alarmed, my wife did the same..

My wife gave me great sex, then about 5 years later while we were dating, she asked for space, I Gav it to her, but she was seeing another man, I told her to hit the road, 2 weeks later she was sitting on my porch... One year later we were married! It was her decision to come back, not mine, I didn't make her, course her..This told me she really loved me, and we are very happily married to this day....

If you really love her, take this time to relax, give her some space, I am not talking about space where you don't spend time with her, I mean space without any pressure for sex, be a friend now, if sex comes, enjoy it, if it doesn't, then masturbate, but always be cool and calm whatever she decides..

Set her free, if she comes back she loves you and will desire you!

Take this time to look into yourself, if she is wealthy, more than likely she has aggressive parents, be more aggressive, get some balls!

She either wants you to chase her again, or give her some space, one of the 2!

Hope this helped a bit...