bella8464 Posted February 29, 2004 Posted February 29, 2004 my cousin has been dating a guy for about 13 months now. everything (from what i hear, but who really knows) seems to be good except for one problem....my cousin was sexually molested by her father twice. i believe the first time was at the age of 15 and the other 17. not only that but her father also cheated on her mother, which when they finally found out, had been going on for 5 years or so. now it wasnt just the kind of cheating that you could forgive, it was very tedious. the dad stole money from the mom because he was unemployed at the time and he needed the money to bring gifts to the other woman. much more to it than that, but anyways...my cousin has been somewhat disheveled and emotionally unstable because of this, as you could imagine. because of this, its so hard for her to trust men although she tries so hard. also, because shes been hurt so many times by her own father, sometimes she just overreacts at certain situations, particularly situations that remind her of her father. her boyfriend cannot comprehend what her past has done to her and how it sometimes shapes the way she thinks of men. of course she doesnt expect him to understand completely but it seems he just wont accept it as a reason for her lack of emotional stability. he just sees her as dramatic and in his eyes she has no reason to be. he feels in no way, shape, or form should she have reasons not to trust men. i think she does have reasons to be cautious and i believe that if truly he loves her (he has said he wants to spend the rest of his life with her and if they do not marry, he never will marry another girl because he will just be settling) he will stick by her. now she is a wonderful girl. she loves him unconditionally. she will make a great wife and mother. shes smart, gorgeous, all the things i think all men would want. i think he should try to understand and if he doesnt, she should get rid of him. but of course im biased, so im asking you guys for your opinions.
dyermaker Posted February 29, 2004 Posted February 29, 2004 It's very unlikely for a girl who has been through as much trauma as you've described to maintain a healthy relationship without help. It's very unlikely that you'll be able to help her. She should see a proffessional.
gaia Posted February 29, 2004 Posted February 29, 2004 It's not surprising that your cousin has problems trusting men. She may well need professional help, particularly to deal with the sexual abuse issues. Maybe her boyfriend feels hurt that she doesn't trust him, as he feels he has done nothing wrong. If he has never had his trust betrayed in such a profound way, he will find the depth of her feelings difficult to comprehend. It sounds like he is committed to her and it also sounds as if they have tried to talk about this. Maybe he needs to speak to someone who can explain that this is how people feel in this situation, not just her. He might also feel that he doesn't know how to best help her with her feelings and feels uncomfortable with them. It may be that there is a self-help group for survivors of childhood sexual abuse - locally or on the web - and someone there might be able to talk to him and give him some advice.
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