How do I get over my divorce, four years later when I never had closure....

[livingbutbroken]

My ex-husband left me four years ago and I felt that I was left without any closure....

 

Let me go back to the beginning. We were married for 13 years and have three children. We lived in a small apartment in a congested city and decided to take our savings and buy a home. After searching for 6 months we found a beautiful new home perfect for our family. Right before closing is when I noticed that things were strange with my husband. He'd start getting so called "wrong number" calls during the night which he would stay on the phone for about five minutes. Then on closing day my family and I wanted to celebrate the big deal with dinner at a nice restaurant to which he was not interested in participating claiming that he was tired.

I let it go as buyer's remorse and fear of the new responsibility we were getting into and paid it no mind.

 

We started painting the children's rooms and making plans for the new home. My husband even sat four hours with our oldest son and talked about summer barbcues and furniture we'd buy for the home. Everything seemed perfect.

 

A month later we moved into the home. Two days after moving and unpacking the boxes for our master bedroom, my husband returns home from work and removes his ring and says "I'm leaving you". I thought I heard wrong, that maybe all the unpacking had caused some type of damage to my hearing but no, there it was. He actually had to repeat it again after looking at my face in disbelief, "I'm leaving you. Don't make this harder than it already is".

 

To make a long story short. Yes, he left. I ended up having a nervous breakdown and ended up in four different hospitals over a course of a month due to severe depression.

 

As it turned out, my husband was having an affair with a woman who had two of her own children from a previous relationship. I happened to find this out by listening to a recorded message she left on his cell phone I was paying for. It hurt like hell. Here I just finished putting down all my life's saving's into a house that we were supposed to be responsible for together, and he left us.

 

It turns out that I could not pay for the house on my own and had to let it go after a month of living there. I packed my kids up and moved to another town altogether.

 

My husband never ever gave me a reason as to why he did this to us. When I was in the hospital after having a breakdown from the whole thing, I managed to reach him via phone. I just wanted to ask him why, when and how did this happen. What had gone wrong. how could you build up all these dreams and then leave us? Leave me with so much responsibility.

He never answered me. He hung up on me and served me with a divorce a week after coming out of the hospital.

 

It's been four years. He does not have any type of relationship with his children. Has never called them on their birthdays or for holidays.

I put the children through therapy and they for some part, moved on. The light in their eyes have changed as have mine.

 

We go on. I work. My kids are doing great in school and we hardly mention his name but.....

 

it still hurts. He never gave me closure. He never allowed me any kind of civil conversation where I could ask what went wrong and why he did what he did to us.

 

It's been four years and I still hurt. I have horrible trust issues with everyone, not just men. I cannot see myself being in a relationship with someone ever again. I don't think it'd be fair. It feels as if I am functioning but not living. I feel so broken and just want the pain to be gone but don't know how to go about letting go. I have constant dreams where I am asking my ex husband why he left and him just walking away as I stand there crying.

 

Is there any way to move on without closure?

[Crazy4what]

wow I am sorry you had this kind of experience, I thought mine is worse. After reading your thread I kinda got some boost to hold on and be strong on my part. If you held that long with all those trouble.

 

I am no expert, but I think you need to have a long vacation. You are just in the same area of Negative experience. not saying all is negative.

 

I envy you for being strong though. dammn I may even need an advice from you!

[yoga18]

I had a similar experience. My husband and I were together for 7 years married for 4. One day I came back from my annual girls weekend and he was done. Just looked at me and said I don't love you anymore I don't want to be with you. I was so shocked. We didn't have children but we began plans to start a family. I still had a year to finish school. Conveniently he graduated and then left. I did what I had to do I moved on. He wasn't man enough to admit that he was cheating. He started messing around with a new nurse at the hospital and moved her in the day I moved out. It took me about 4 years to really move passed what he did. What I realized is that I deserved so much more than he could have ever offered me. They married but I hear that she feels it was a really big mistake bc she is finding out who he really is. Oddly enough me and the mistress get to rub elbows in a few months at a mutual friends baby shower. Guess what??? I'm excited to meet her bc I have realized how happy I could be without him. I would have never walked out of our marriage so he gave me the gift...its called a second chance. Your man didn't sound like a man or a father. The best way to move on is to live your life, workout, read, enjoy your kids. If you are broken your children know you are. Even if you think you are hiding it well they know

[lkjh]

sorry about your divorce and your ex is a punk for dipping out on his kids

[poopierabbit]

My ex-wife and I divorced when I was twenty five. We had three kids, a house and two cars. She left for another man, and made life a living hell for my entire family. I too felt that I didn't have closure, but for a different reason, and carried anger and resentment with me for a very long time.

 

I also felt broken, as if the heart and soul of who I was had no feeling left to offer. Good people, good women, came and went and it wasn't until I finally asked a rhetorical question "what good will come of these feelings and being broken in my heart?" I had no answer, and started to look at reality. It was then, that I realized that too much time had passed and I let this horrible woman that I no longer loved control those feelings.

 

Don't make the same mistake. Live life and "make yourself happy." It starts with the little things, but it can be done. Do date and create a life. Only then will you realize that you've wasted too much time on the past when you have a potentially bright future in front of you. You may never have proper closure, but don't let that stop you from living your life. Concluding he was a heartless man is probably good enough.

Edited October 9, 2010 by poopierabbit

[willowthewisp]

Similar experience here. My X of nearly 20 years left me 19 months ago and I also did not have any closure.

 

I am just recently in IC and I think it could help you, it seems to be helping me, my counsellor has shown me that the lack of closure was a symptom of my X's issues. Without going in to detail my X left b/c of HIS issues, totally independant of our relationship, it wouldn't have made any difference if I did or didn't do something differently because it didn't go wrong, he did, it was just easier for him to blame me and I took it due to low self esteem issues.

 

Whilst my X did not cheat (to my knowledge), the one thing I can tell you is that your XH is a ****! It does not matter why he left, or why he choose to cheat, all that matters is what he did TO YOU. It shows the type of person he really is and that is not someone who you would have ever loved. He even left his children, that in itself should tell you that he did not leave because of anything YOU did or didn't do, because if that were so then what on earth did the innocent children do to deserve this? Do you see?

 

There is a book that has been recommended on here before (I haven't read it myself) by Vikki Stark, called Runaway Husbands (she has a website as well with some info).

 

I would really urge you to go to IC if you can and to keep posting here, there are many many people here who have had similar experiences who can offer you support.

[livingbutbroken]

thanks to all of you for writing.

 

I hear ya on getting back to life and doing things. I've done these things. I go to the gym, am an active member of the PTA at my children's school and take care of what I have to financially (best I can).

 

I even try to get involved in as many things as possible. Just this Oct. 2nd, I joined a Spin-a-thon at my local gym to raise money for the Lance Armstrong foundation. It was beautiful, moving and inspiring to be a part of it.

 

Like I said, I function. I've taken my kids to countless of movies, take them out on warm days and even get out on my own (local town museums, art exhibits).

 

Only thing is, my ex is always somewhere in the back of my mind. I usually find myself doing things and thinking about him. It goes from missing him to being angry to missing him to being angry all over again. Most times I hear myself thinking how he won. I feel as if he left and went on with his life. Able to love again and be happy. While I sit here and think to myself about how I can't love again because I am so fearful that someone will hurt me and my children again.

 

My little girl was 6 years old when this happened, my middle son was 11 and oldest 15. It was awful having to feel the pain of being left but it was even harder having to see my kids hurt as much as they did. Feeling that I left them with the legacy of a divorce that I had no idea was even coming. Like I said in my first post, they've moved on best they can but so much of their innocence was lost during this situation. My oldest son is away in college now but he is so shut down to the world. Just focused on becoming something to prove to himself and his dad that he did it without him. My 15 year old has become "hard" for a lack of a better term. He does not like to be touched, hugged or told that he is loved. My little girl, now 10, she clings to me for dear life. She's not slept in her own bed since this whole thing occurred. When this all happened she thought he left because she was not good enough or pretty enough. Now I see the the whole "little girl left syndrome" happening. My little girl becoming vain, trying out so many outfits before going to school because she wants to be accepted and does not want one thing out of place.

 

They go for counseling and all but these changes are who they are now and it hurts me and scares me like crazy.

 

So yeah, I go on and do what I must but its hard. It's hard to let go of something without any answers.

 

It's easy to say he's an as****, or that he wasn't man enough to come forth with the truth regardless of how much it would've hurt but in the end, he still left me and our kids.

 

My little son once said, "It's almost as if he recycled us. Drank up the very last ounce of soda, threw us in a recycling bin and left us there to rust".

 

sometimes that's exactly how it feels, as if we were all thrown away.

[Meatballsmom]

The man is a low life. I understand your desire for answers, but in all honesty, with his back ground of cheating on you and lieing during your marriage, how could you believe anything that he would say after the break up.

 

Cheaters lie!

[trippi1432]

Dear Living - Above all, don't put yourself through this...it is on him...not on you as Willow has clearly pointed out. You cannot change someone who clearly does not want to be changed. I have been where you are...I have a daughter who sometimes under exceeds my expectations..but she is mine..and for God or Glory, I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

I found myself at the young age of 21 with a toddler...I had no idea where I was going to go in life...and I dealt with a man who not only divorced his wife, but divorced his children in the interim. You cannot do anything about that...you can only BE for your children.

 

My ex wanted back in to run from the woman he got pregnant...that was my closure..sometimes it is found when reality smacks you upside the head.....closure, as some people taut to, is NOT full of I'm sorry's...and I hate that I hurt you...sometimes it is simply reality. He later remarried and had two more children...of the four children that we know about..one that was put up for adoption...he has nothing to do with any of them.

 

Now..you tell me... is it possible that one man can be so righteous that two women who are so different can have the same thing happen to them...one man that cast out his entire heritage? I have a beautiful baby girl..yeah I would like to strangle her sometimes...but she is MINE....if he didn't participate...he lost out on the best thing HE WILL EVER HAVE IN HIS LIFE.

 

Living - your children are your love...it shows here in your posts. It's not about him anymore, it's about you...your children and what makes you happy...everyday that you look on their loving faces...and your heart swells with pride..that's the only closure you need...it is the closure they will remember for all their lives.

[2.50 a gallon]

To totally shut his children out of his life tells me this man is psycho sick and you are never going to get any kind of honest answers from him.

 

If I may, try to be greatful that he did move on and leave you alone. A man this sick is capable of just about anything evil. What I am trying to say is he killed your family, and try to be greatful that he didn't literally murder them

 

This is an extreme and rare case and had nothing to do with you, it was all him.

 

I know it is difficult, but understand that most men are not like this.

 

I suggest you read Tojaz's threads, and understand there are many men who feel the same and are looking to fill the voids in there lives. Tojaz just has the knack of being able to put it into words that we can all understand.