Banker Chick Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 First off, I'll admit this is a weird situation, which is why I need advice. I'll try to keep it brief but try not to leave out pertinent info. Ex and I were together for 10 months and he at one time asked me to marry him. I said no, we weren't ready (I'm 42 he's 39) and we had planned on moving in together in August but moved it back to December. Started bickering more (mostly my fault) and the middle of August during a fight he told me he couldn't keep doing this emotional warfare bc of trying to work full time and go to school full time. He asked for some time and space. I specifically clarified that we weren't effectively going to be working on it during this time (just taking some time off but still being committed to only each other). He kept saying he didn't want me dating but didn't think it was fair to ask that when he wasn't sure what was happening. Fine, I told him I couldn't just be "friends" if we weren't still working on "us". I told him I had to go NC. He sobbed like a baby, That lasted a week and I e-mailed him. Thus began a slow progression towards being a couple again. We started being friendly and talking and admitting we weren't dating anyone else. Then he came to visit as a FWB situation that ended up as way more than that, then we started talking/texting more, then I tried to call it off and not be friends and he couldn't handle that because he admitted he thought we were working on us, then we met up again (both of these times it was wonderful and it was obvious neither of us wanted to leave), then we admitted we still love each other, and now (2 months later) we are texting/talking regularly and talking about when we'll see each other again and we say I love you and call each other baby and whatnot regularly. We've also broached the subject of moving in together in December but tabled it because it's too soon to really know if that's the right decision. Ok, here's the rub. I've been dating other people. Yes, he's aware of this and last weekend admitted that he HATES it. However, he has yet to really step up and say he wants to be committed to each other and be "official". No, he's not dating others and I know that for sure (I even for awhile encouraged it). We dance around the subject and while I think maybe that's what he wants, I also think he's hesitant bc he thinks it's not what I want. I'm not sure what I want. Part of me wants to be official again but the other part of me feels I need to take this time to really know for sure. Sometimes I feel dating others is wrong, given our level and type of communication, but I also feel like I run the risk that he'll decide in the long run that he doesn't want to be together and then I will have wasted my time ... especially considering due to his schedule we are only able to see each other a couple times a month at the most. He lives an hour and 1/2 away which is why the moving in together was a big part of our plan. Thoughts? And please be gentle ... it may not sound like it but this whole thing has confused me to no end. I've lost 15 lbs and my sleep patterns suck! I have not and will not have sex with anyone else until I know what's happening with this which is not an issue since I don't have sex until I'm in a committed relationship anyway. Help!
Billie The Puppet Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 I think this is 100% fair. I also am a new believer in breaks are = to break ups. You are not committed to him and he is not to you. He has every chance of stopping you dating others if he rekindles the relationship himself. Personally the only reason I believe he would feel the way he does is if he wants you else whats the point of caring. He has no right to prevent you from seeing others (not that he is) however he has every right to feel the way he does and be angry about it but reality you can't put your life on hold because he can't decide to be with you or not. Basically I am saying he has a right to his thoughts and feeling towards this as you have your right to do it. really he needs to decide to be with you or not.
Author Banker Chick Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 ^^Thank you. Most of the time this is the way I feel but then sometimes I hesitate because a couple of times he's tried to feel me out about being in a relationship and each time I admit I'm not quite sure I'm ready to be a couple again. Because of this, I think he backs off. He's always been the kind of guy to do what he thinks I want and what's best for me. Not sure he'll be one of those guys that will just come right out and say "That's it! No more dating other people". I think he'd be too scared of the rejection from me. Just seems bizarre sometimes to have this good, flirty conversation with him and say "I love you" and "I miss you" and talk about a future together and then still be talking to other guys. I'm just not ready to make that final leap to being committed and until I hear it from him ... well ... all bets are off I guess. It just hurts my heart sometimes because I know it will crush him if I do find someone else. He's said he can hardly bear the thought of me being with someone else. He asks me questions about my dates because he says he'd rather hear the details instead of what he imagines in his mind. How sad is that?
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