Not ready to settle down? or phase

[confused_son_of_a]

You can bash me, hate me, call me a douche, selfish all you want. I just want to be honest with you so you can be honest with me. I am really looking for help here because I don’t want to make the worse mistake if it’s something I can grow out of. I am looking for someone maybe in the same boat as I, but found a way to correct it.

 

It has been hell these past few weeks. I realized, after my trip from Miami that I am not ready to stay in a committed relationship with my girlfriend of 7 years. I’m simply not ready to settle down, there are too many beautiful women out there. I’ve felt this way for quite some time now, but was unsure of my feelings. I thought it would pass me by, and I thought it is normal for a guy to feel this way. Now I’m starting to stress out and it’s getting to me. I’m 28, and would like to be free to date other women. We have been through this road before, only for me to return back. I’m not sure if we got back together because I missed her, or because I felt bad for leaving her. She’d call me, come knocking at my door, she would cry, she’d do nice things. Being with her for so long, and loving and caring for each other, I felt like I was hurting her during our time apart. Every time I look at her I know she is hurt, when I go to bed at night I know she is tossing and turning. I hate doing this to her, I'm having a hard time letting her go because of this.

 

We talked about kids, marriage, a big house. I feel really bad I do not feel the same as of late. I am lost, I am confused, I am simply not ready. I’d like to give her my all, and be the man for her but I can’t.

 

Has anyone been in this situation? Am I just going through a phase in life? Will I get over this immature selfish feeling of dating other women? I know my girlfriend will be good for me. Great looking 9 out of 10, 26 year old women with excellent personality and here I am, not ready to settle down. How do I stop this feeling? Or do I not? and just break it off and do my thing. Has anyone broke it off and wished they did not and regret it?

 

Am I making the right decision by breaking it off?, or should I stop going out, stop drinking, stop hanging out with my old highschool buddies, get rid of my m3, downgrade my luxury apartment, give my money to my girl so I don’t spend it on stupid stuff. Maybe I am too spoiled? I seem to have everything and only want more. My current girlfriend isn’t enough? Break it off? help me, as you can see I need some guidance from someone who has been in my shoe.

 

Please, guidance from people with experience. Help a confused guy out. Bring on the hate, I am willing to listen and learn.

[Mad Max]

It's your call and the longer the wait, the worse it'll be for your GF. You do realize that the grass isn't greener on the other side, right? Many people seem to think that the grass is greener and once they realize what they had, it's too late.

[atlnay]

You can bash me, hate me, call me a douche, selfish all you want. I just want to be honest with you so you can be honest with me. I am really looking for help here because I don’t want to make the worse mistake if it’s something I can grow out of. I am looking for someone maybe in the same boat as I, but found a way to correct it.

 

It has been hell these past few weeks. I realized, after my trip from Miami that I am not ready to stay in a committed relationship with my girlfriend of 7 years. I’m simply not ready to settle down, there are too many beautiful women out there. I’ve felt this way for quite some time now, but was unsure of my feelings. I thought it would pass me by, and I thought it is normal for a guy to feel this way. Now I’m starting to stress out and it’s getting to me. I’m 28, and would like to be free to date other women. We have been through this road before, only for me to return back.

 

Then you need to be HONEST with your girlfriend and tell her, "I am 28 and would like to date other women. I no longer wish to be in a committed relationship."

 

Realize that you may lose her forever. Accept that yes, she will be hurt. She may make you feel bad. You will miss her. Down the road you may realize what you lost, so keep in mind the risk of trying to go back and she may have moved on. Especially if she is ready for marriage and kids, don't be surprised if she's engaged or married shortly after you.

 

Think this through. Can you see yourself settling down at 32? 35? Is she your Mrs? The mother of your children?

 

If she isn't please let her go so she can find her Mr. If she is, but you need more years, you need to tell her that too. Give her the facts, so she can make a decision about her life.

 

I don't think anything is wrong with what you are feeling. You've been in a relationship since you were 21?? That's a LONG time in your young adulthood. Not wanting to be tied down, to the ONE person you've seriously dated, isn't odd. You never really sowed your oats & if that is your desire, better to let her move on so you don't make both of you miserable. You by cheating and she by keeping you "tied down". Good luck

Edited October 8, 2010 by atlnay

[Surrealist]

Agree with Mad Max, most of those questions only you can answer and resolve in yourself. I can understand the feeling of ambivalence you may feel, where you don't want to hurt her yet want to date other women, kinda like get it out of your system. Do you realise you may never find another woman so faithful to you? That is the one thing you should consider, because next you'll be on this site bemoaning about not being able to find an LTR and so on. However if you are fully comfortable in the fact that you may not find another LTR, at least not in the immediate short term, and you really feel to break from her, then as advised, you are really going to have to be honest with her, sooner or later. What about consider taking a break? Rather than annulling the relationship entirely, maybe consider a break? I have to say I don't know how many people have broken up from a good relationship to regret it later on.

[luvnpain]

Well, to offer a female pov I think it's good that you have realized this before major commitment. I don't see why a woman would want to MAKE a guy be with them who is not all in. However, I am not the one who has been there for 7 years. It's going to be tough no matter how you approach it, but you need to back away if you are not happy.

 

Now, just for myself, I would seek counselor out that I respect to mediate this whole thing. I know, it may be corny, but I would want a qualified 3rd party there to explain to the SO in words I couldn't so there is no miscommunication and no automatic assumptions that it's a selfish whim. If you have been contemplating this for a while then it's cannot be considered impulsive IMO. Also, the 3rd party can make the woman realize that she should not desire less than 100% commitment. That may not be what you want for her to consider, but it's not really fair to expect that she will wait in the wings for you to make up your mind.

 

I hope you find what you're looking for, but I hope that you don't miss something great waiting for a fantasy that does not exist. Good luck.

[Mike B.]

If you are looking for a guy that was in your position to identify with, you have found him. The story is almost like reading my biography. I was the same age and every thing when I went through the exact same thing.

 

I'll just be as brief as I can. First, most importantly, it has been several years since I broke it off with my ex and I have yet to find a relationship as fulfilling as the one I had with her. I spent years trying to find a relationship that was similar after I got over my "phase" and have yet to find it. Just about two months ago, I finally gave up and came to terms with the fact that what I had with my ex was a once in a lifetime thing and that it would be very unlikely for me to have something that great again.

 

I decided to just date a lot and I am really happy now but I still think about her occasionally and wonder what my life would be like if I would have just married her and let her have my kids. She was just so freaking sexy, beautiful, smart, educated, supportive, witty, funny and just completely into me. I could kick myself in the butt for a long time for breaking up with her.

 

 

Someone had snatched her up rather quickly after we broke up. Not really quick but too quick for me but I was not surprised considering all the guys that were slobbering over her while we were together. For years it was so tough to know she had gotten married and had some beautiful kids. You don't know how tough this was for me. I gave up the love of my life and had to sit by while she was married to some other guy and gave birth to his kids.

 

This summer I finally came to terms with every thing. I decided to stop searching for someone to replace her and to just live and have fun. Honestly, I am in my later 30s and I am currently having the best dating years of my life but I still think it would have been great to grow old with my ex and watch our children grow up and have their own family.

 

 

My advice, is to not leave your woman if she is as great as you say she is. It sounds like you have no complaints with her directly so allow this to pass. I wish so much that I can just take over your body right now and make you do the right thing because I do not want you or anyone else to go through the pain I did from letting "the one" get away. The regret will burn your mind like hellfire.

[Mike B.]

OK I forgot to comment on this part.

 

No, you DON'T have to stop doing any of this stuff (at least not yet, until you have kids/house/mortgage). What does this stuff have to do with other women? Nothing, really. Just remain faithful to your gf and don't bang other women.

 

 

Please don't bang other women. Keep your woman and watch others envy you. I wish I could just come to you during the night like the Ghost of Christmas Future and show you what your life would be like if you throw this woman away and stop caring for her.

[Disillusioned]

It's your call and the longer the wait, the worse it'll be for your GF. You do realize that the grass isn't greener on the other side, right? Many people seem to think that the grass is greener and once they realize what they had, it's too late.

 

If the grass isn't green enough, some guys will say the heck with it and replace it with Astroturf. My buddy Ruben the truck driver is 71, has emphysema, and is still hitting the party circuit. He'll only settle down when he croaks.

[that girl]

God this story reminds me so much of a good friend and her ex. Awesome girl, wants something serious, guy is lukewarm, multiple break ups but she'd beg him to come back, etc.

 

In that situation I always wondered if one of the reason the guy went back to her was because women weren't crawling out of the woodwork for him the way he expected. OP- was one of the reasons you've gone back to her after break ups loneliness/a lack of women?

 

You don't want to be with her, so you should end it. But you need to really close the door. If in the past you've talked about how you could maybe be together someday(after you've gotten other women out of your system) , that is incredibly unfair and leads to her hanging on.

 

Now, just for myself, I would seek counselor out that I respect to mediate this whole thing. I know, it may be corny, but I would want a qualified 3rd party there to explain to the SO in words I couldn't so there is no miscommunication and no automatic assumptions that it's a selfish whim. If you have been contemplating this for a while then it's cannot be considered impulsive IMO. Also, the 3rd party can make the woman realize that she should not desire less than 100% commitment.

I cannot imagine being dumped in a therapist's office. I think that is kind of cruel.

[robaday]

I was in a similar situation-awesome looking girl, besotted with me, was with her for 7 months-she wanted weekends away with parents etc etc. I broke up with her for same reason and within three months had slept with four other women (none as attractive, smart or nice), I spent a fortune on partying with the boys and was left at the end of it craving stability and missing her.

 

The few things Ive learnt are that I can't win either way...the independent life Id craved still finds me not doing much more than I was when in a rel, the dreams of motorbikes, roadtrips, legions of adoring women were just that. And then my mind goes back to "why didn't I try harder to achieve everything i wanted within the relationship, and to try and make it work instead of quitting?"

 

In this case a break sounds like a good idea. Book yourself a trip abroad for 2 months on your own, figure out what you want but dont cheat.

[skydiveaddict]

It's your call and the longer the wait, the worse it'll be for your GF. You do realize that the grass isn't greener on the other side, right? Many people seem to think that the grass is greener and once they realize what they had, it's too late.

 

 

I agree completely with this. The grass will NOT be greener and that's no way to treat your girlfriend

[Ruby Slippers]

Your heart isn't in it. I say let her go so she can find a man who loves her all the way and you can go chase rainbows.

 

I don't think you're unusual at all. I think few men really want to settle down before about 40, when their hormones shift and reproductive faculties begin to wear out, and they start getting scared about the prospect of ending up alone.

[Mad Max]

Your heart isn't in it. I say let her go so she can find a man who loves her all the way and you can go chase rainbows.

 

I don't think you're unusual at all. I think few men really want to settle down before about 40, when their hormones shift and reproductive faculties begin to wear out, and they start getting scared about the prospect of ending up alone.

 

 

I think it's more 30-35. I don't know too many that age that are still playing the field.

[confused_son_of_a]

Mike B, if you are being completely honest with me then you are my savior. I also think you just saved my life and my relationship with a few paragraphs. If this will be a mistake I will regret then I don't need to go through it to know it. You wishing you were me, was enough for me to handle.

 

I know it's probably hard for some people to understand my situation. However, I know it's my ego and spoilage from my own success. I have looks, personality, popularity, a lot of money, every where chic magnet guy. I have everything a lot of people do not have and I know this. This is why I feel like I'm on top of the world. I feel like there is only 1 life to live, if I have all this why not go all out, spend it and do whatever the heck you want right?. Who knows, maybe my next life, I will be a poor no life guy that lives on the street (which is similar to how my parents started actually). However, from Mike B post and others, and thinking hard about it in my lonely apartment, it didn't take long at all for me to realize I can not attend to this lifestyle over my girl.

 

With that said, this seems like I might have to change as a person. I might give up my chick magnet baby (my car) and go back to a old Honda or something, I will only drink on occasion, stop hanging out with my single buddies too often, direct deposit all my money to my girlfriends account and have her manage it and ask for an allowance because i do spend money on stupid stuff. I need to change my life around even though it doesn't appear to be anything wrong, but it is, my love life. I need to start from square one.

 

Thank you all for your help, you TRULY did help me and I will remember this thread for years and years to come.

[Ruby Slippers]

With that said, this seems like I might have to change as a person. I might give up my chick magnet baby (my car) and go back to a old Honda or something, I will only drink on occasion, stop hanging out with my single buddies too often, direct deposit all my money to my girlfriends account and have her manage it and ask for an allowance because i do spend money on stupid stuff. I need to change my life around even though it doesn't appear to be anything wrong, but it is, my love life. I need to start from square one.

Now I think you are a troll trying to teach us all some kind of lesson.

[atlnay]

Now I think you are a troll trying to teach us all some kind of lesson.

 

 

lol I agree. All his "pat" solutions are just that...pat. *sigh*

 

In the event the OP is sincere, I still say that you being in a LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP from 21-28 makes sense to me on why you are not eager to marry and you want to sow your oats.

 

So you need to make a choice and accept whatever consequences come with it. Lose a "great" girl and live to regret it or stay with her but learn to control your emotions and deal with that urge to cheat internally.

 

Good luck to ya!

[Mad Max]

Eh, I don't believe in the "sowing wild oats" BS. I think it's just an excuse to sleep around.

[atlnay]

Eh, I don't believe in the "sowing wild oats" BS. I think it's just an excuse to sleep around.

 

Sowing wild oats is a euphemism for sleeping around which one can do when they aren't in a committed relationship right?

[Mad Max]

Sowing wild oats is a euphemism for sleeping around which one can do when they aren't in a committed relationship right?

 

 

Of course they CAN do it, but I don't believe in it. Supposedly it's to "get it out of your system". I don't buy it.

[atlnay]

Of course they CAN do it, but I don't believe in it. Supposedly it's to "get it out of your system". I don't buy it.

 

Ahhh ok, different strokes for different folks I suppose. And if you don't buy in it for you, that is perfectly understandable. Luckily for you, most women don't have that tendency...lol

 

It's usually the phrase attributed to men who don't want to settle down or won't settle down. So nice to hear there is a man that doesn't believe in it

[welikeincrowds]

I have everything a lot of people do not have and I know this.

 

Those are things. You have things. Look at you. You're confused and unhappy, just like anyone else.

[Ruby Slippers]

So nice to hear there is a man that doesn't believe in it

I agree! These are little rays of hope in what can seem a dark world of men.

[yoga18]

Just remember the choices you make well they all have positive and negative impacts the question is could you live without her and if you did would you regret the choice later those what if's could haunt you for the rest of your life its going to be a tough choice I wish you luck but plz think with the right head