unsure10 Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 Ok so I am just about to end a soon to be full on affair . . . but MM has just sent me a text telling me he loves me which has shocked me to be honest. So, I would just like to hear from some of the OW on here where you stand with your MM if you wouldn't mind sharing some info with me?? Has your MM said he loves you? If yes, then when did he first say this? Does your MM tell you he is happy with his wife? Does he ask you things about your future/where you see yourself etc? Has your MM said he will leave his wife? If yes, when is this supposed to happen? Has he taken you out in public (somewhere he knows people who know you will probably be there)? Thankyou, just curious as to how the rest of you are being treated by MM
Dexter Morgan Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 Ok so I am just about to end a soon to be full on affair . don't worry about those questions. Just concentrate on what you just said above.
BB07 Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 If you are going to end it why does it matter????? The reason you keep asking all these questions is you want to feel like your mm is "different" and your affair will be more "special". You are looking for the answers that you want to hear and I have a feeling that no matter what answers you get, you will find a way to dismiss the ones that paint your situation negatively. He doesn't love you hon......he is infatuated with you and yes I'm sure he likes you, but he is in heat and he is working on the next step.....(sex) with you. He is feeding his ego, you are making him feel alive, giving him something that he hasn't had in a while, some excitement. He probably feels that his life with his wife is quite boring. So........he says he won't have an affair with you, well that is BS, he already is and you are allowing it. Keep going on with this and you are going to be back here, I give it 2 weeks tops, and you two will have done the deed and yes at first it's gonna be great, but a few months later your story is going to be much the same as the other women who are here because the affair is bringing them more pain that pleasure. It's the rare woman who can find more pleasure than pain in an affair and I don't think you are one of them.
ladydesigner Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 If you are going to end it why does it matter????? The reason you keep asking all these questions is you want to feel like your mm is "different" and your affair will be more "special". You are looking for the answers that you want to hear and I have a feeling that no matter what answers you get, you will find a way to dismiss the ones that paint your situation negatively. He doesn't love you hon......he is infatuated with you and yes I'm sure he likes you, but he is in heat and he is working on the next step.....(sex) with you. He is feeding his ego, you are making him feel alive, giving him something that he hasn't had in a while, some excitement. He probably feels that his life with his wife is quite boring. So........he says he won't have an affair with you, well that is BS, he already is and you are allowing it. Keep going on with this and you are going to be back here, I give it 2 weeks tops, and you two will have done the deed and yes at first it's gonna be great, but a few months later your story is going to be much the same as the other women who are here because the affair is bringing them more pain that pleasure. It's the rare woman who can find more pleasure than pain in an affair and I don't think you are one of them. Yes I agree spare yourself from the intense pain you will feel later from the fallout of this. It really is not worth it and I think deep down most OW who appear happy to be the OW are not, unless they are just in it for the sex. I would serve out those 4 weeks at work and then move on to where you are heading and don't look back.
lilbunny Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 This is retrospective but I don't mind answering your questions. Ok so I am just about to end a soon to be full on affair . . . but MM has just sent me a text telling me he loves me which has shocked me to be honest. So, I would just like to hear from some of the OW on here where you stand with your MM if you wouldn't mind sharing some info with me?? Has your MM said he loves you? Yes he did, many times. If yes, then when did he first say this? A few weeks into the PA. Does your MM tell you he is happy with his wife? Yes and he always said he loved her and she was a good person. Does he ask you things about your future/where you see yourself etc? We talked about the future, plans, hopes etc, being together. Has your MM said he will leave his wife? He said he wasn't sure a lot, said he wanted to but didn't no if he could, left and fell apart so I sent him back, said he couldn't leave, I've heard them all. If yes, when is this supposed to happen? not really applicable to me Has he taken you out in public (somewhere he knows people who know you will probably be there)? Yes we went to places where there was every chance someone could see us who knew either one of us, or more likely both of us. Thankyou, just curious as to how the rest of you are being treated by MM Hope this helps you, but if the general gist is did he make all the right noises then not follow it up then yes that is exactly it. What I hope you will ask yourself is if there is any real happiness in this for you. What he says doesn't mean much, it is what he does that really counts hun.
HappyAtLast Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 (edited) The reason you keep asking all these questions is you want to feel like your mm is "different" and your affair will be more "special". For whatever it is worth, my affair was different and special. And my affair partner and I have been very happily married for many years now. I never led her on with questions and certainly never told her I loved her until the day that I showed up at her door with divorce paper and diamond ring. edited to add: I am not suggesting that you continue on into a full-blown affair. If it is meant to be, tell your man that you will be happy to begin dating once he has left his wife. Edited October 8, 2010 by HappyAtLast clarity
jennie-jennie Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 It's the rare woman who can find more pleasure than pain in an affair and I don't think you are one of them. Where did you get the idea that it is rare to find more pleasure than pain in an affair? I am a member of another OW forum as well, and there are plenty of OW there for whom the pleasure outweighs the pain. Most of these OW just prefer other forums than LS. Most likely because LS is so pro NC.
siuys Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 Has your MM said he loves you? Yes, a few times If yes, then when did he first say this? About 3 months into the A. Does your MM tell you he is happy with his wife? His words: 'I wouldn't be here if there was nothing wrong with my marriage.' Does he ask you things about your future/where you see yourself etc? Yes Has your MM said he will leave his wife? He is separated, has been for 5 months. The way things are going right now, I don't think he will go back although I know anything can happen. If yes, when is this supposed to happen? Has he taken you out in public (somewhere he knows people who know you will probably be there)? Nowhere high risk. The A is still a secret. Thankyou, just curious as to how the rest of you are being treated by MM I met MM 8 months ago. He moved out 5 months ago. Things have been a roller coaster ride since he moved out to say the least, but all seems to be slowly stabilising now. He is sorting himself and the mess out. He has intention of being with me but I still have my doubts and remain skeptical at times. I take a wait and see approach while I get on with my life. A steep learning curve this 'relationship' but as he calms down and becomes more emotionally stable, it helps me stay anchored. The best thing I've done to date is walk away from his mess - I no longer want to know every detail, and don't need to know. If it's meant to be, it will be.
TigerCub Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 Has your MM said he loves you? Yes, many times. He said it before I said it to him If yes, then when did he first say this? A few months after we became friends, a few days after he went back to baby momma cuz their 2nd child was born. I guess that would make it a few weeks before the A started. They were separated when we met, so it didn't become an A until he went back. Does your MM tell you he is happy with his wife? He says he's content, not happy, but is there for the kids mainly Does he ask you things about your future/where you see yourself etc? Oh, he tells me that one day he's going to come for me. He'll do what it takes to be with me I told him I found that insulting and that if he doesn't want me now, why would I even look at him twice years from now?! Has your MM said he will leave his wife? Said he would if things got really bad - I think he's lying more to himself thanme - that guy is never leaving baby momma. If yes, when is this supposed to happen? If things get really bad, or his maybe when his kids grow up.. probably never is my guess Has he taken you out in public (somewhere he knows people who know you will probably be there)? Yes Thankyou, just curious as to how the rest of you are being treated by MM Honestly, it really doesn't matter what MMs say, the great majority of them are liars, and once you go NC with them for a while, logic replaces emotional thinking and you begin to see how big of a fool you were for giving them the time of day. He said he loved me, he said that he's never felt this way before and that being with baby momma was a huge contrast in comparison, but who gives a crap about that - actions speak louder than words.
BB07 Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 For whatever it is worth, my affair was different and special. And my affair partner and I have been very happily married for many years now. I never led her on with questions and certainly never told her I loved her until the day that I showed up at her door with divorce paper and diamond ring. edited to add: I am not suggesting that you continue on into a full-blown affair. If it is meant to be, tell your man that you will be happy to begin dating once he has left his wife. You are the EXCEPTION and you did it RIGHT. Congratulations! I just hope that unsure reads ALL of your post and gets it. That there is a right way and a wrong way to do this.
on a learning curve Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 I would answer if this wasn't so fresh for me right now. I tend to agree with some of the other posters though regarding MM lying to keep you invested in the A. That is the simple (and hard-to-swallow) truth of it all.
Author unsure10 Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 (edited) I have read all of this and I am still handing my notice in on Monday. IF he wants me he will do as happyatlast did and make a move AFTER he leaves his wfe and not before!! I know I could have an affair next week if I wanted . . . and yeah it would be exciting and fun for a while but I don't fancy being anything but his main priority . . . actually feel a bit scared right now at how close I came to becoming a person I don't want to be. Still got to get through handing my notice in on Monday though and then working there for 4 weeks before leaving . . . don't think he will be expecting this after he has cancelled his Christmas holiday to keep me sweet and told me he loves me. IF he is genuine though he will prove it . . . as I have heard so much on here actions speak louder than words. Thanks guys and I reckon the same advice for clothes should be given for MM . . . if you haven't worn it for a year you never will - if he hasn't left his wife to be with you after a year he never will. Edited October 8, 2010 by unsure10
HappyAtLast Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 You are the EXCEPTION and you did it RIGHT. Congratulations! I just hope that unsure reads ALL of your post and gets it. That there is a right way and a wrong way to do this. Thank you BB. I don't really think that I am the exception or did it "right" because I did allow myself to fall in love with another whilst married. What I did do "right" was to not try to keep both women. (if there is a "right" in these situations) Unsure, stay strong. If this man loves you, truly wants to be with you, and it is meant to be, believe me, he will make that happen.
BB07 Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 Thank you BB. I don't really think that I am the exception or did it "right" because I did allow myself to fall in love with another whilst married. What I did do "right" was to not try to keep both women. (if there is a "right" in these situations) I stand corrected and I didn't mean to imply that all of it was hunky dory, but the point is......you didn't string along two women and you didn't behave as a selfish ass by keeping both of them.
on a learning curve Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 I have read all of this and I am still handing my notice in on Monday. IF he wants me he will do as happyatlast did and make a move AFTER he leaves his wfe and not before!! I know I could have an affair next week if I wanted . . . and yeah it would be exciting and fun for a while but I don't fancy being anything but his main priority . . . actually feel a bit scared right now at how close I came to becoming a person I don't want to be. Still got to get through handing my notice in on Monday though and then working there for 4 weeks before leaving . . . don't think he will be expecting this after he has cancelled his Christmas holiday to keep me sweet and told me he loves me. IF he is genuine though he will prove it . . . as I have heard so much on here actions speak louder than words. Thanks guys and I reckon the same advice for clothes should be given for MM . . . if you haven't worn it for a year you never will - if he hasn't left his wife to be with you after a year he never will. Don't concern yourself with his Christmas plans. It's likely he would make excuses anyway. I admire your resolve - stick to it.
wheelwright Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 Ok so I am just about to end a soon to be full on affair . . . but MM has just sent me a text telling me he loves me which has shocked me to be honest. So, I would just like to hear from some of the OW on here where you stand with your MM if you wouldn't mind sharing some info with me?? I was shocked by this after 11 months NC. But what really shocked me was that he said he thought about me every minute of every day. Has your MM said he loves you? Yes once. If yes, then when did he first say this? When we had broken up. But kind of before. Does your MM tell you he is happy with his wife? He didn't - but he did say he thought an awful lot of her. Does he ask you things about your future/where you see yourself etc? Yes. Has your MM said he will leave his wife? Yes and no. If yes, when is this supposed to happen? When kids were grown. He had it in his mind for then even before the A. Has he taken you out in public (somewhere he knows people who know you will probably be there)? Thankyou, just curious as to how the rest of you are being treated by MM I am still confused by my A. I don't know what he really felt. NC. But I do know that whatever he felt, what I feel matters more.
fooled once Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 If you are going to end it why does it matter????? The reason you keep asking all these questions is you want to feel like your mm is "different" and your affair will be more "special". You are looking for the answers that you want to hear and I have a feeling that no matter what answers you get, you will find a way to dismiss the ones that paint your situation negatively. He doesn't love you hon......he is infatuated with you and yes I'm sure he likes you, but he is in heat and he is working on the next step.....(sex) with you. He is feeding his ego, you are making him feel alive, giving him something that he hasn't had in a while, some excitement. He probably feels that his life with his wife is quite boring. So........he says he won't have an affair with you, well that is BS, he already is and you are allowing it. Keep going on with this and you are going to be back here, I give it 2 weeks tops, and you two will have done the deed and yes at first it's gonna be great, but a few months later your story is going to be much the same as the other women who are here because the affair is bringing them more pain that pleasure. It's the rare woman who can find more pleasure than pain in an affair and I don't think you are one of them. Ditto Ditto Ditto I have read all of this and I am still handing my notice in on Monday. IF he wants me he will do as happyatlast did and make a move AFTER he leaves his wfe and not before!! I know I could have an affair next week if I wanted . . . and yeah it would be exciting and fun for a while but I don't fancy being anything but his main priority . . . actually feel a bit scared right now at how close I came to becoming a person I don't want to be. Still got to get through handing my notice in on Monday though and then working there for 4 weeks before leaving . . . don't think he will be expecting this after he has cancelled his Christmas holiday to keep me sweet and told me he loves me. IF he is genuine though he will prove it . . . as I have heard so much on here actions speak louder than words. Thanks guys and I reckon the same advice for clothes should be given for MM . . . if you haven't worn it for a year you never will - if he hasn't left his wife to be with you after a year he never will. I am laying odds you won't turn in your notice and you will be sleeping with him by the end of the month. I am not intending to be snarky or mean, but the way your posts have gone, you are so obsessed and LOVE the attention he is giving you. A YEAR????? Quite frankly, if a man who says he loves another woman isn't filing for divorce or already filed by 6 months, why wait around? A year?? That gives him 12 months to have his cake and eat it too!
pureinheart Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 Has your MM said he loves you? Yes If yes, then when did he first say this? I can't remember:o Does your MM tell you he is happy with his wife? No he didn't, he didn't say much of anything about her Does he ask you things about your future/where you see yourself etc? I think so, we talked about all kinds of stuff Has your MM said he will leave his wife? Back then, he said the next time she talked about D, he was not going to stop her If yes, when is this supposed to happen? No time was ever set, I knew it would go down though Has he taken you out in public (somewhere he knows people who know you will probably be there)? Yes Thankyou, just curious as to how the rest of you are being treated by MM A bit of background...he chased me for years and we had an EA ...prior to this I knew the M was over. I couldn't take the confusion and stress from him anymore so I bailed and told him not to contact me until he was D. They separated and D'ed. I went through the D with him, it was horrible...he was cruel and I was stressed. I am still traumatised from that experience, and was already severely traumatised by several things that had happened prior....I did not deserve how he treated me.
pureinheart Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 I am still confused by my A. I don't know what he really felt. NC. But I do know that whatever he felt, what I feel matters more. You know what the really weird thing is...I wasn't confused about the A...what happened afterwards confused the shyt out of me. I am still trying to understand, and WW, deep down I know I'll never get the answers I seek because it was that unreal...I don't do unreal, I don't deal with unreal/fake people. HE CHASED ME FOR YEARS!!!!!! WHY?????? How can a person be that self-centered? He had my brain twisted into a pretzel with the mind games and the off and ons...and what I cannot wrap my brain around is the fact that (at that time), those were supposed to be the GOOD times....OMG, thank you for this rant ...your reply triggered and opened up more understanding...
Fieldsofgold Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 (edited) Ok so I am just about to end a soon to be full on affair . . . but MM has just sent me a text telling me he loves me which has shocked me to be honest. So, I would just like to hear from some of the OW on here where you stand with your MM if you wouldn't mind sharing some info with me?? Has your MM said he loves you? He told me multiple times a day that he loved me and had never met anyone like me. I was the woman he always hoped he would meet, but never thought he would. If yes, then when did he first say this? About a couple of months after we started seriously dating. Does your MM tell you he is happy with his wife? He told me he loved her but she didn't want to be bothered with him, she didn't understand him, she neglected him, didn't make time for him. He also told me they were divorced. And when I found out he also had an OW for 10 years, whom he supported and lived with - (that's right, he was married but separated, lived with the OW basically full time for 10 years, spent hot love weekends with the wife, saw me nearly every day/evening, convinced us all that we were the one he loved, and dated as many other women as he could behind our backs!) he said he had cared about the OW at one time. He said she neglected/didn't understand him/ didn't make time for him, either. Just like the wife. But now just felt an obligation to her because she was too weak and poor and helpless to take care of herself. He said the same about his wife, that he had to take care of her, too. It turned out not to be true. They were both financially independent - but unbelievably, pathetically emotionally needy. Does he ask you things about your future/where you see yourself etc? he talked about my and his and our future all the time. Said our future plans were incredibly compatible. it sounded like it to me, too. I learned afterwards that he even threw it up to W that she could/should have the same future plans as me! Has your MM said he will leave his wife? Oh, as soon as he can afford to do so, he's outta there! Of course, when you are fully supporting two households, plus 6 grown stepchildren, it stretches your divorce fund thin. He was supposed to leave the OW as soon as her daugter and sil returned from military duty overseas and she could go live with them. If yes, when is this supposed to happen? It was supposed to happen almost immediately after I found out about the two women LOL! Has he taken you out in public (somewhere he knows people who know you will probably be there)?Oh, yeah. All the time. The jerk even went to church with me every Sunday morning, the church where I serve as a Trustee and associate pastor! He even helped me prepare and serve communion! (Told his W he was going to church with his stepdaughter or to visit a sick friend!) Thankyou, just curious as to how the rest of you are being treated by MM I would like to add that after he was busted, he told me he had been to a counselor who told him he would not change until he met and had a significant relationship. I was supposedly that woman, that relationship. But to this day, he has not left either the W or the OW. He told me that the W and OW didn't understand him, make time for him, etc. I think he really believed they didn't. When I asked him for details, specific examples, it was really minor, insignificant, or unreasonable stuff. Like OW couldn't go sailing with him because she had to work assigned shifts. He wanted to move in with me (before I found out about the W and OW) I would not because of my moral standards and religious beliefs. If I had, there is no doubt in my mind that it would not have been long before I was the woman who didn't understand him/make time for him. Edited October 9, 2010 by Fieldsofgold
Fieldsofgold Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 (edited) I am still confused by my A. I don't know what he really felt. NC. But I do know that whatever he felt, what I feel matters more. I was extremely confused by bf/mm after I learned of his true situation. To this day, I would say that he made me feel, convinced me that I really was the one he loved. I think it is a delusion of his mind. Just as the W and OW almost identically neglected him (in his mind), I think in his mind I WAS the ONE. And I would continue to be THE ONE, until he got me and the new wore off. Then he would see me as just as unloving and negligent as the W and OW. I really believe the women weren't the problem. It was his view of things. Or maybe like another poster said recently, he really loves whichever woman is with him at the moment. I do know that trying to figure it all out kept my thoughts focused on him long after I ended the R. AND it made it harder to go NC because I was looking for clues, some way to make sense out of an irrational situation. I couldn't totally go NC until I let go of trying to figure him out. Well, when I really resolved it was when I realized that if he had actually loved me, he would not have put me in a situation that would be so painful to me. But I could quit thinking about him and reading his emails when I gave up on trying to figure him out. Edited October 9, 2010 by Fieldsofgold
hopeless4u Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 Ok so I am just about to end a soon to be full on affair . . . but MM has just sent me a text telling me he loves me which has shocked me to be honest. So, I would just like to hear from some of the OW on here where you stand with your MM if you wouldn't mind sharing some info with me?? Has your MM said he loves you? xMM....yes, all the time. If yes, then when did he first say this? about 6months in, when I tried to end things. Does your MM tell you he is happy with his wife? xMM said he wasn't unhappy but the feelings he felt for me he had never felt for his W. Does he ask you things about your future/where you see yourself etc? Yes, he even told me he had thought of a way to ask me to marry him and still to this day he won't tell me what is was in case it ever happens. Has your MM said he will leave his wife? No, he always said he had to leave because there was nothing in his M to save and not for me. If yes, when is this supposed to happen? N/A Has he taken you out in public (somewhere he knows people who know you will probably be there)? Always, our A wasn't secret, he met my friends, family and everyone at work thought he was seperated and we attended work functions as a couple. We even went on holiday where he grew up and he showed me his fathers old house. Anyone could of seen us, he didn't care. His friends also knew and used to txt and talk to me when they went away. Thankyou, just curious as to how the rest of you are being treated by MM All that above and he still threw me under a bus!!
Confused4Now Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 Ok so I am just about to end a soon to be full on affair . . . but MM has just sent me a text telling me he loves me which has shocked me to be honest. So, I would just like to hear from some of the OW on here where you stand with your MM if you wouldn't mind sharing some info with me?? Has your MM said he loves you? Yes even after I've stop seeing her she still says she loves me.....and misses me. If yes, then when did he first say this? I believe she was the first to say I love you on the first Valentines day 5 years ago. Does your MM tell you he is happy with his wife? No she doesn't like him or do anything with him. Does he ask you things about your future/where you see yourself etc? yeah...early on and recently but I asked her not to discuss or talk about the future till she was by my side. NO reason to discuss it if I don't have her all the way. Has your MM said he will leave his wife? Many times....just never executed yet. If yes, when is this supposed to happen? We don't go there....It will happen when it happens. We've gone through so many missed dates there is no reason to add to problems. Has he taken you out in public (somewhere he knows people who know you will probably be there)? Yes many times....but now we are more at LC to NC..... Thankyou, just curious as to how the rest of you are being treated by MM See in bold....
Circular Posted October 13, 2010 Posted October 13, 2010 Answering as an MM as well to give you my side Ok so I am just about to end a soon to be full on affair . . . but MM has just sent me a text telling me he loves me which has shocked me to be honest. So, I would just like to hear from some of the OW on here where you stand with your MM if you wouldn't mind sharing some info with me?? Has your MM said he loves you? I did, and she did and I would still if we were still talking. If yes, then when did he first say this? I said it after knowing her for 3 years and being seriously into the EA for about 4-5 months. I said it first and then she said it. Does your MM tell you he is happy with his wife? We both took the same route of not talking about our spouses much at all. For me, as hypocritical as it sounds, I didn't feel it was right to say anything about my wife. Sure, we talked about our relationships but I would never speak negatively about my wife. Odd, I know. Does he ask you things about your future/where you see yourself etc? When we were together we'd talk about our future, talk about our plans to go places. We had a lot of shared dreams, things we both wanted from life. Has your MM said he will leave his wife? No, I never said this. Nor did she about her spouse. She had children and to me that was the most important. If she had brought it up I would have said we needed to create a plan as it would be a serious disruption to a lot of peoples lives. Not something I would say off-the-cuff. If yes, when is this supposed to happen? As of now, never Has he taken you out in public (somewhere he knows people who know you will probably be there)? Nope, but that was because she was a MW and I'm an MM and we'd go out in public but in places far far far away from home. Thankyou, just curious as to how the rest of you are being treated by MM It's been interesting reading this thread. I can honestly say I relate to the post-A confusion. There were times I was confused during the A, wasn't srue what to do next, what steps to take, etc... or just sometimes confused because of mixed-messages. The greatest confusion I had was after I walked away, just so many things didn't add up. I'm less confused now as after coming here and reading so many threads I truly see that everyone becomes very conflicted and struggles with their decisions. I can only assume that she really struggled in the month or so before I walked away. it's the only explanation I have for the behavior I experienced. These things are not black and white and they're loaded with emotional turmoil, I think a lot of what people experience is just that... people having to deal with emotional upheaval and conflict and not having the right coping skills to handle it. As well, denying themselves something that they want... If you don't want to eat chocolate, then don't buy it and store it in your house.
fooled once Posted October 14, 2010 Posted October 14, 2010 Hey unsure....did you turn in your notice?
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