next step

[diormidnightpoison]

Hi all, I joined over the summer because my MM was given a chance to get out of his relationship, he didn't. instead he took motorcycle lessons, etc. just so she would be happy. They are still together. When I ask him, he tells me he is depressed more now. I broke the NC rule and even offered to get together with him. He says no because it would depress him even more. Today, I finally told him that he can't contact me. (I was the one that always initiated contact before.) He only called me once, for sex he said. I guess I need to know what the next step is. I don't imagine him contacting me since he never did before. It was always me that contacted him. We work in the same school district; thankfully now I am in a different building. I have decided to avoid popping in to see friends there just so I wouldn't have to see him. I am still hurting so badly. Can someone help me and tell me what I can expect next, what to do next. I can't go through this alone.

[Star_Bright]

Hi, I'm sorry you're hurting, I would recommend asking yourself what is so great about him that you would want to be with him when he disrespects you like that? I would say focus on your friends and family and work and any hobbies or take up some new hobbies. Also counseling. I am in the same spot as you except MM does initiate contact. So I know it's hard but we have to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and trying to move on towards what we know is best for us. Good luck.

[ladydesigner]

I would stick to the NC and just focus on your healing. I'm so sorry you are hurting. What a azz not only does he not initiate contact, but when he does it is for sex. Leave him far behind you. You do not deserve this.

[on a learning curve]

I am still hurting so badly. Can someone help me and tell me what I can expect next, what to do next. I can't go through this alone.

 

I am new here, but reading this part made me feel very sad for you, and I wanted to respond. It's so confusing sometimes, isn't it? In a healthy relationship, we wouldn't be questioning what to expect next, or asking others what we should do next. I am going to echo the other posters and suggest that you consider your willingness to give this man any of your time? He clearly doesn't respect you, and you deserve so much more.

[BB07]

Hang in there and post when you feel weak.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this.

[my story]

Hi all, I joined over the summer because my MM was given a chance to get out of his relationship, he didn't. instead he took motorcycle lessons, etc. just so she would be happy. They are still together. When I ask him, he tells me he is depressed more now. I broke the NC rule and even offered to get together with him. He says no because it would depress him even more. Today, I finally told him that he can't contact me. (I was the one that always initiated contact before.) He only called me once, for sex he said. I guess I need to know what the next step is. I don't imagine him contacting me since he never did before. It was always me that contacted him. We work in the same school district; thankfully now I am in a different building. I have decided to avoid popping in to see friends there just so I wouldn't have to see him. I am still hurting so badly. Can someone help me and tell me what I can expect next, what to do next. I can't go through this alone.

 

Sorry you are hurting, big hug. You are not alone and most of us here are going through the same, let's pray for each other. One day we can all look back and laugh at this.

[diormidnightpoison]

Thanks to all for the posts. Please stay with me through this. I think one of the hardest things about being an OW is that we really can't talk about it to people. I'm feeling a little stronger today, just so depressed. I am so embarrassed about how pathetic I have been with him the past two weeks. So weak, confused, etc. Now I know that only one of us is going to come out of this between him and me. It has to be me. I have to let him go and focus on getting healthy. The depression is really bad, though.

[my story]

Thanks to all for the posts. Please stay with me through this. I think one of the hardest things about being an OW is that we really can't talk about it to people. I'm feeling a little stronger today, just so depressed. I am so embarrassed about how pathetic I have been with him the past two weeks. So weak, confused, etc. Now I know that only one of us is going to come out of this between him and me. It has to be me. I have to let him go and focus on getting healthy. The depression is really bad, though.

 

Totally understand how you feel about "can't talk about it to people". xMM and I work for the same company and most of my best friends are in the same company also, so I just can't tell them. It's really really hard, suffering by myself makes it even worse. Thanks God for LS, all of you, I know I am not alone and I hope we could get through this together.

[Jane Doe]

My suggestion is to maintain strictly no contact and focus on yourself. Clearly he's where he wants to be. He's not even contacting you. Regardless of what he's said, look at what he's doing. He's with his wife. You need to see this for what it truly is -- an affair. Nothing more, nothing less. Pull yourself together, hold your head up, be good to yourself, keep yourself as busy as possible, and open yourself up to the possibility of meeting a single man who will put you first and who will respect you. Aren't you worth that?

[BB07]

Thanks to all for the posts. Please stay with me through this. I think one of the hardest things about being an OW is that we really can't talk about it to people. I'm feeling a little stronger today, just so depressed. I am so embarrassed about how pathetic I have been with him the past two weeks. So weak, confused, etc. Now I know that only one of us is going to come out of this between him and me. It has to be me. I have to let him go and focus on getting healthy. The depression is really bad, though.

 

 

Maybe get some IC or lean on friends and family.

It's hard.......but you sound like you know that it was a no win situation for you and you ARE doing something about it even if it hurts, you are doing what you feel is best for you, so pat yourself on the back, treat yourself.

 

Hugs.....

[Star_Bright]

Thanks to all for the posts. Please stay with me through this. I think one of the hardest things about being an OW is that we really can't talk about it to people. I'm feeling a little stronger today, just so depressed. I am so embarrassed about how pathetic I have been with him the past two weeks. So weak, confused, etc. Now I know that only one of us is going to come out of this between him and me. It has to be me. I have to let him go and focus on getting healthy. The depression is really bad, though.

 

I understand what you are feeling, I am the same way. I feel like LS has helped me start moving on from MM but then I get addicted to LS. Because of what you say... that it's hard to talk to people in real life about it, and the ones I do talk to, I don't want to burden with all of my current drama, so I come post here instead. And I'm so grateful that people read and respond and really help me. I do feel pathetic, because I am getting more support from people online that I don't even know... but it is my way through it and I understand that it's your way through it. It makes perfect sense to me. I'm here and will stick with you! Feel free to PM me any time.

[Fieldsofgold]

I don't really have anything to add to what has already been said.

 

Take care of yourself. Do the basics - get plenty of sleep on a regular schedule, eat regular, healthy meals and snacks, get exercise, do something to pamper you. Read or watch something every day that will make you laugh. Try to be around positive, optimistic people as much as possible. Also, I found that volunteering to help those less fortunate, helped me get my head in a good place.

 

((((((((hugs))))))))

[diormidnightpoison]

Thanks to all for your kind words. I have been navigating through the depression, going out a lot with friends. I still feel sometimes that I am on such a destructive path now. It feels like, now that I am so damaged from him, I don't matter anymore. I was at a bar and saw a friend that I barely knew. The next thing I know we were in a cheap hotel room having the worst sex of my life. No intimacy, no compassion, just hooking up. There is a really nice guy that is interested in me; I can't get myself to be with him. He doesn't know about all my drama. The past week went well; for some reason my brain spent so much time reminding me of all the things my exMM has done to me. I was feeling pretty strong until Friday (when I hooked up with the friend.) I went to dinner with a mutual friend of ours (mine and the exMM's) and she was telling me how happy he has been this past week. It hit me like a ton of bricks. i felt like he is probably so happy because we aren't communicating and he feels more comfortable showing his true emotions. Up until Friday, I felt like his life would be crappy without me (because of what he told me about his w) and mine would be great without him because of how he treated me. On Friday I almost cried because she was telling me how happy he has been. She doesn't know about us. I was so sad. The bar incident happened right after that. I am determined now to keep up with the NC. I can't talk to him because now I feel like I would be ruining his life by getting into contact with him again. I'm so embarrassed. He tried to break things off with me and I couldnt' handle it. Even last week, he told me he wanted to be with me, he knew it would it would be mindblowing, but he would still be "stuck with her." Now he seems so happy. He lied so much.

[sc58]

I felt like his life would be crappy without me (because of what he told me about his w) and mine would be great without him because of how he treated me.

 

I felt this way, too, and I know that it is really hard. Because of all the things my MM told me about his marriage, about how unhappy he was, etc., that without me, he would be miserable. And now that I don't have to deal with this lying, cheating scumbag (that I unfortunately fell in love with), my life was going to be great and I was going to be happy.

 

Instead, I feel the same way you are now. I'm the one that's miserable and he's the one happy with his W and family. It really does suck. I just wish I didn't care. I wish I didn't care whether or not he was happy or miserable. Because if I heard he was miserable without me, I know I would want to be there to make it better for him. So I just want to NOT GIVE A SH*T about him and his (their) life.

 

From what I've been reading here, it'll get better. I just don't know when. Hopefully sometime in the very near future. I hope you are doing better today, and know that you are not alone in all this.

[diormidnightpoison]

Thanks, SC58. It sounds like you and I are both going through the exact same thing! It is so hard. When I think of how he treated me, wow. It has been so obvious from the beginning that I was nothing to him. I am glad he isn't miserable and contacting me; but it just hurts me to know that the four years he spent with me was a joke. He treats her so much better; he has changed everything for her. I feel so stupid and lost. The guy I slept with the other night emailed me without a care in the world. I can already tell that he thinks I'm a joke. The great guy that wants to be with me, he is ever patient. I just wish I could have feelings for him.

[sc58]

It is really hard, but what I've come to realize from reading and posting here on LS, is that while they may be "happy" with their W and family, it's all fake. In the same way he was "pretending" with me - telling me how much he loved me, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, etc. etc., he is also pretending with his wife. He is going to the movies with her, holding her hand, playing with the kids together, but it's all FAKE. Behind her back, he was saying awful things about her to another woman whom he told "I love you" and spent many intimate moments with.

 

Although he may appear to be happy, I think in the long run, he will end up miserable knowing he lived his whole life in a great big lie. And he deserves it.

 

We really do seem to be going through the exact same thing. There's this great guy I met who is really interested in me, but I just don't seem to have feelings for him. I don't know if it's because my xMM is still in my heart and I won't allow myself to have feelings for him. But I sure wish I did. It would make this whole thing so much easier to deal with.

[kis]

Hi all, I joined over the summer because my MM was given a chance to get out of his relationship, he didn't. instead he took motorcycle lessons, etc. just so she would be happy. They are still together. When I ask him, he tells me he is depressed more now. I broke the NC rule and even offered to get together with him. He says no because it would depress him even more. Today, I finally told him that he can't contact me. (I was the one that always initiated contact before.) He only called me once, for sex he said. I guess I need to know what the next step is. I don't imagine him contacting me since he never did before. It was always me that contacted him. We work in the same school district; thankfully now I am in a different building. I have decided to avoid popping in to see friends there just so I wouldn't have to see him. I am still hurting so badly. Can someone help me and tell me what I can expect next, what to do next. I can't go through this alone.

 

I am wondering what excuse did he have for never contacting you while you were in the relationship?

[diormidnightpoison]

He always said he was too busy. From our first date on, he treated me as if he didn't respect me at all. The first time we hung out together? He offered me cheese and crackers from a get together he had attended earlier that day. I couldn't believe it but thought I was being too picky. Wow. I should have taken the hint.

[Star_Bright]

He always said he was too busy. From our first date on, he treated me as if he didn't respect me at all. The first time we hung out together? He offered me cheese and crackers from a get together he had attended earlier that day. I couldn't believe it but thought I was being too picky. Wow. I should have taken the hint.

 

That's sad. I'm glad you've moved on! How are you doing dior?

[diormidnightpoison]

i'm doing ok. I'm very sad about how he treated me. I just keep thinking of things that he said and did that broke me. I now feel like he was a very unkind person. I used to think he was the person that cared about me the most. I remember when we first met, how happy, carefree, and confident I was. He changed all of that. I keep watching the video of me changing in my mind and feel so sad about not stopping it sooner. I am still at the point where I won't go to the building where he works. I can't. I think I am just hurting, not just because of what he did, but because it is becoming more and more clear to me that he didn't respect and love me at all. It was all mindgames and nonsense for him. I still have moments where I think, "Did he seriously lie to me for over 4 years?"

 

The biggest thing that I have learned is that he lost me. I'm not perfect by any means, but I was the one person in his life that accepted him as is, no demanding that he change, no asking that he be different than who he was. I was nothing but kind to him. Even now, if I saw him, I'd smile, acknowledge him. I wouldn't approach him just because I'm scared of how he can hurt me. but I would still be kind. He took someone that truly just wanted him to be the best he could be and stomped on the relationship. To me, that says so much about who a person is, how they treat the person that is kind and . . .requires nothing. I wasn't demanding, obtrusive, etc. Nothing but kind. That just hurts to know that someone can be so mean to someone who tries to get to know them, let alone me. There is no going back now. I can acknowledge, but when I think of looking into his eyes, I start tearing up. I can't imagine looking him, someone who hurt me so badly, in the face. I feel like a dog that was beaten severely and won't look the abuser in the face for fear of another beating. He has hurt me very much.

 

Very sad that I met someone who can be that cruel. I never knew people to be that way before.

[Star_Bright]

That's so sad that you changed because of him. Do you maybe you can start changing back into the more positive, happy version of you? Because, looking at this from a positive perspective, it seems you have learned a lot in a short time and you're done focusing on him and instead you're living your life for you. That's a major improvement! How sad that he was not who you thought he was. But at least now you have realized that and you can move on with your life without him. Good luck! Let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

[Star_Bright]

And you're right. He's missing out on you, not the other way around. You gave him all you had, and that's all you could have done! It's his loss!!

[diormidnightpoison]

Well, all, it has been three weeks of NC. I have to see him on Tuesday for a short meeting at his building. It is only a half hour, and there will be so many people there I am hoping to hide in the back and leave as soon as they finish. Still so sad. I like my work schedule because it keeps me so busy that I don't think about him much then, but every other waking second, I think about him. Mostly, "Wow. He isn't who I thought he was." "How can he hurt me this way." I will be out of town on business next weekend. I am a bit worried. He used to always show up unannounced. I worry that he will show up. I know if he does, I will end up being with him. The other part of me doubts he will. I was always the one to break NC. He never did. I don't see him doing that now. I intend on keeping really busy in the evening.