Divorce Long Overdue but No Money.

[Suerenity]

Ok so I was intending to post for quite some time now but my account was disabled and I had to reactivate.

 

So my DH and I have been married for 6 years and have had many, many issues such as numerous counts of infidelity (on both parts), but mainly on his. He just recently confessed to serial cheating even when I was pregnant and treated me like dirt for most of the marriage. (see other posts). I cried many nights and even attempted suicide about 4 years ago because the pain was too great.

 

So...at the beginning of the year (February), I met this guy who had recently started working at my place of employment. He used to come out front to say hi to me and it eventually lead to him bringing me lunch and offering me rides home and to pick up my daughter from school, etc. He was really sweet and we developed a relationship because at the time he was the shoulder I needed to cry on after a young lady called my job and said that she and my husband had had a relationship for over 3 years. (Imagine my devastation)! So needless to say we've been "together" ever since. He told me by March that he was in love with me and I tried my best not to feel the same way about him. Eventually I fell for him and we've been practically like husband and wife ever since. I see him almost everyday and we do whatever we can to help each other out. Now he no longer works for the company but things really haven't changed between us. He always tells me that he wants to marry me one day and I really want him too.

 

Problem is...my husband. He has no idea that this is going on, even though he's caught him dropping me off about twice. I have become a complete and utter liar to him and hate myself for it. I love my OM but just want to be honest to everyone and leave my H instead of putting him through all of this embarassment. I love H but I'm no longer in love with him and haven't been for a few years. My daughter is nearly 2 and I can remember crying everynight when I was pregnant with her because he was verbally abusing me. Calling me a burden on his shoulders because I wasn't working and begging me to go live with my parents and "get off his back". Now I know people love to give one side of the story but I can say for sure that I was nothing but a good wife. Home, work, kids, and that's it. I lost many friends because wanting to be such a good wife, caused me to cut them off so to speak and only stay home with my 7yr. old son. I worked for about 85% of the relationship and always pulled my weight when it came to household duties, bills and taking care of my kids. I would go out of my way to get what they needed and sometimes wanted.

 

This man has hurt me so much that I no longer want to remain in this marriage but must do so now only because I don't earn enough to get out and go find an apartment for me and the kids and must endure this torture. I don't know what to do to get out. OM treats me really special and in these 8 mths, I've never been so happy. He would buy things for me and the kids. He asks about them all the time. We have so much in common. He's 43. I'm 27 and the age difference makes it even sweeter. He understands a lot about life and has expereince in so many areas. He used to fly and I did as well so we both have a passion for similar things, unlike me and my husband. H and I agree on nothing. All he loves to do is smoke weed, complain and then talk about God. (Such a hypocrite).

 

I'm scared that if I take too long, OM will get tired waiting and leave me. I'm scared that ****'s gonna hit the fan also if I don't do something soon. I want to move on with my life and be with somebody that loves me and that I love. I was lonely for so many years and begged God for someone in my life that truly cares. I was in a terrible car accident exactly one year ago and told myself that by this year, I wanted my life to be totally different. I want to put the negatives behind me and strive for happiness and fulfillment. I know what I'm doing is wrong in God's sight but I can't lose this man. He has done so much for me I can't believe it and is so super sincere. He cries on my shoulder and tells me that he never wants to let me go and will make me his wife. (He's so cute when he cries). I do beleive him and always tests him to see if what he says is true and it always is. I've met all his immediate family and anyone he encounters, he introduces me as "his wife". I truly think, and he's even said that he feels like I'm "The One" and that he feels like we were made for each other.

 

Any suggestions on how I can make this transition smooth and effective? Please I would appreciate if I didn't get berated and scolded for sinning. That's what this forum is all about. Love issues, not religious ones.

 

Thanks!

[The-Zen-Warrior]

Please I would appreciate if I didn't get berated and scolded for sinning. That's what this forum is all about. Love issues, not religious ones.

 

All I'm going to say, for now, until I can fully absorb what your trying to say here is this. This little quote of yours above, I don't think it's very realistic. Yes people come here for "love issues" as you say, but within each and every L.S. member there might be a strong pull of religion or spirituality in their opinion. By trying to detour someones honest opinion, by advertising what you did, might only make them be that much more strongly opinionated with you.

 

Nice try, but you gave us a "glimpse" of your story here, you put it out there, and how others may approach it and talk to you about it is completely up to that forum member that wishes to do so!

 

I will re-visit this later and chime in again at that point.

[jnj express]

If you want to be with this lover of yours---then you need to get a D.----you will get half of everything, and with a decent job, you should be able to make it

 

Question really is---what is this lover of yours all about----he must be somewhere close in age to you---he has left the work place---does he have another job???

 

If he doesn't are you gonna support him also.

 

If you want this on a bottom line basis---right now all you are doing is shacking up with this so called lover of yours

 

THE ONLY THING IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE IS YOUR CHILD---that's it bottom line, that is where all energy goes

 

If your schack-up boy friend wants to take you out, make sure he pays for everything---cuz all of your pesos need to be for you and your child

 

As to your H.---Divorce him, make sure you get adequate child support, and a proper division of marital assets and move on

 

Do not under any circumstances continue to support, or be with your shack-up boy friend till he can prove without a doubt, that he can substantially support you

 

You have already made one mistake in picking a partner---don't make a 2nd mistake----what you feel for your shack--up at this point is not mature love---it is passion--infatuation--it is an answer for your lonliness, and failing mge., but it surely is not what you need for another permanent relationship

 

BE VERY CAREFUL, AND WARY----remember as i said before---you have already made one mistake don't make a 2nd one-----good luck and stay strong

[Suerenity]

Well both of us are at an age now and have experienced enough to know what we want. (Like I said, I'm 28 he's 43). I also believe that we're not trying to get into this with unrealistic expectations. We both understand that everything's not going to be perfect all the time which I guess is why we've spent all this time getting to know one another better. All I know is that I have gone through too much drama and injustice with H to ever feel an inkling of passion and romance for him.

 

Now where money is concerned, we both make less than we would like to ideally and have financial obligations that make it a tad difficult to just spend frivolously on each other at the moment but I am quite confident that whatever I need, he would do his best to help me or the kids, like I would for him. It's not about me playing the victim role and falling for the 1st guy that I can mooch off of. We're both taking responsibilty for ourselves and kids.

 

All I want is to get out of this M as easily as possible (which I know it's not easy for practically anyone, even millionaires). I'm looking for advice, suggestions, support and I guess constructive criticism.

 

H and I have 2 kids, (8 and almost 2). Married for 6 years, together for 9. Separated once back in 2005 but I returned because he was using our son against me and threatening when he visited him that I would never see him again. I came back because he had withheld him from me for 5mths and he was terribly ill at the time and I guess the guilt and immaturity mixed together made me want to try and 'work things out'. I knew in my heart that it's never healthy to stay in a toxic relationship for the sake of the kids but I was very depressed at that point.

 

Ever since, he's thrown that in my face. That I'm like a leaf blowing in the wind. I hate that. I know just what I want and where I want to be. Even if OM turns out to be something other than what I thought or want, I want to be out of this.

[jnj express]

If you want out of your mge., definetly get your D., and get out of the mge.,---that is a given

 

IMHO, you are about to make another mistake-----you never answered my questions about your present lover's, status as to job, wage-earner, whatever you wanna call it----Is that cuz he doesn't earn anything----

 

You wanna hook up with a 43 year old who I am willing to bet doesn't work, and has no savings----Am I right????

 

You have already made one giant mistake----don't make a 2nd one----this new guy may say all the right things, but he is 15 years older than you, with out any substance----you already have 2 kids to take care of---are you gonna also take care of the guy you are shacking-up with

 

You may look at my post and say to yourself I don't know what I am talking about------just step back and look at this new guy from outside your own skin----what is really there----a 43 year old loser----

 

Get your D., and move on by yourself for now----you need your kids, and you need to spend your time concentrating on them----That's it---No more loser guy's for now

[TLCbear]

Sorry to hear of your situation. Anyway, according to what your have stated, your marriage has been down for numerous of years. If you really want out, there always a way to get out. Do you not have any family? If money is an issue, why haven't you not been putting money aside for a place to stay? Not sure I understand that. Also want about the guy you are having an affair with? Can he not help you?

[yoga18]

Be really careful! You might not see it now but down the road that age difference will matter. I was 28 when I met a 42 year old guy now granted our situation was a little different than yours but trust me he was pretty set in his ways. I was never the bar/party girl but I still wanted to go on dates he liked staying at home. At times he treated me like his daughter rather than a partner. Marriage wasn't a big deal to him, it was to me. What really caused our relationship to go down was I wanted kids eventually. He said he wanted more but when push came to shove he only wanted them after I walked out on him, to try and save us. It didn't work.

[Suerenity]

To answer Jnj's question OM IS working and has been for our whole relationship. He has a car that's paid for in full and his own place. I'm NOT shacking up with him because I still live with H. He also is a total saver but like I mentioned, has had financial obligations which has devoured most of that. I, on the other hand, make less than he does and have/had my own financial responsibilities which has caused me to save very little in the last year. Also, my family and I were in a car accident last year, which covering medical expenses has played a role in the money situation.

 

I feel that the age does make a difference in certain areas however I grew up with only 'older' people such as my Grandmother and Uncles, etc which has even him surprised at the amount of knowledge I have for a 28 year old in terms of politics, religion, life, general knowledge, etc. I'm mean not to toot my horn but I must say that I can teach him a thing or two and have on many occassions. I'm no show off or anything but I do feel like we are a whole lot more compatible than my H and I ever were.

 

I must add that I never planned on moving me and my children in with him straight away. I would like to move into my own apartment for a while to get them used to not being 'with Daddy' anymore and to give them a chance to get used to 'P' being around. I want it to be done is as healthy a way possible and give H a chance to get over the break-up before he sees us or knows we're together. Psychologically speaking, I don't want my little darlings exposed to the kind of lifestyle where there are different men popping in and out of their lives, as it would not be setting a good example, endangering their lives, confusing the hell out of them and making me just look like a bad mom.

 

I feel physically stuck right now. I do have family members and so does he but the unfortunate part is that they all live on different islands (Bahama Islands) and the ones that do live here with us, we're not that close with.

 

Now I am in the process of saving, however it may take a while to get to the goal I have. I know what the plan is just need other peoples input because going through it alone is quite hard at times. I have a few friends that I can talk to but some I don't want in my business at all because of their affiliation with H and his family.

 

I do realize that you never really know a person until you live with them which is why I would like to take my time in this whole process to understand more about what I'm getting myself into. He has his ways to be honest and some of them I have a problem with and have brought to his attention. By doing this, it gave me an idea of how his conflict resolution skills and showed me whether or not he cared enough about me to acknowledge my feelings. I must say that those things were not an isssue anymore and he is more in tune with what I like and dislike, vice versa. I'm sure one cannot expect to jump out of the frying pan and onto a silver platter (some lucky ones do, which comes with it's own set of problems). Love is always give and take. Once certain boundaries aren't crossed, I'm prepared to compromise if my needs are being met as well.

[jnj express]

Hey S----I am on your side----If you need to end your mge.---then do so----you will make it----there is always a way-----sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do

 

I am coming at you on 2 things-----1st your kids come 1st OVER ANY GUY---they are your flesh and blood, and they always come 1st----You have really faced no reality with the guy you are now spending time with----also let me make myself clear-----If you are having sex with him, whether living together or not---and you ain't married----then yes you ARE shacking-up

 

2nd thing----you only know this guy on a very un-pressured level----you have no idea how he will act/react to pressure situations----you certainly know how things are with your present H., was it like that before you married him----Get to know this new guy, under situations demanding real choices----you have never had any of that with him-----the well being of your kids demand that you know what this guy will do and how he will react/handle situations and living that are way tougher than the level of life you are in with him now-----

 

Also if you do end up with him----the 15 years may make one very large difference/problem, when he is 60 , and you are 45----and when he is 70, and you are 55------Believe me at 70 he will not wanna do the things you at 55 will wanna do----makes for problems you don't need to, nor should you have to face---considering there are thousands of men out there----many with baggage yes, but there are also some good ones, who will be closer in age to you-----everything makes a difference-----but 1st comes 1st----get your Divorce

[Suerenity]

I must add that H is just now recently trying to improve his act. For the past 6-7 years, he has been like Jekyll & Hyde. One minute he hates me, thinks I'm a burden on his shoulders, can't wait for my parents to "take me off his hands" and then in literally an hours time, he's "oh baby you know I love you and no one will ever love you like I do". BullS***! This is the reason I guess I'm a bit torn because all the years of him stealing stuff that I bought and selling them behind my back, cheating, cussing me out for nothing, sneaking out of the house, etc. I can remeber just last year me talking to him and trying to come together and work things out and him going "There's nothing to work out, I give up. I don't care what you do." to now, every second he's trying to kiss me or wondering why I don't want to have sex with him anymore. Go figure! My feelings have been crushed too many times. I no longer feel respect for him, much less any type of romantic feelings. To me now, he's just like a best friend or room mate that I've known for a long time. One time ago I would've loved for us to be a happy couple and enjoy life together with our kids but now, I'm just tired of him. I want a new start, a new shot at love. I miss having someone to call and say "I love you" when he's at work or someone that makes my heart skip a beat when I think about him. I miss having someone to roll over and look deeply in their eyes and share my innermost feelings and dreams. The lines of communication between H and I are almost nonexistant. I don't care to talk to him anymore about personal issues because for all our relationship, all that's lead to was quarrels and disagreements. I don't even know for sure if it was a conscious thing or if my sub-conscious just doesn't let me do it. He and I are like 75% incompatible, (which I knew before we got married but did so because we were already 'shacking up' and didn't want to disappoint my family by 'living in sin'.) I was 21 when we did so that's rather young.

 

Right now I am focused on my kids' well being as well as my own. H is not working right now (for the past month or so) and that is making it extremely hard to save or do the things I need to do to prepare myself for leaving but I know in due time things will work out as long as I keep focused.

 

Although 'P' and I have discussed, I want to sit down with him and have a full on conversation about this to make sure that we're both on the same page here. I mean he wants me to leave, especially when I tell him about the arguments that H and I have and how the kids are around during all of them and the no good things he says to me when he's angry but still I want to have a normal convo about it in detail in order to point out all of the things that are going to change and find out whether or not this is REALLY something he's prepared to handle. He has been married before and has 2 kids (14 and 15) so it's not like he doesn't know what that entails but it has been quite some time ago.

 

Ultimately, I just want me and my darlings to be happy. Life is like a box of chocolates though. But hey, I don't know how much worse than this it can really get. Kidding! It can always be worse OR BETTER!!!

[jnj express]

Have you EVER actually threatened your H. with Divorce??---Does he now maybe think you are serious about getting a Divorce??

 

His attitude may be changing due to the above. If he has been threatened with loosing half of everything, and having to go out into the world as a single again----he just may be changing his attitude about how he treats you----he may just be trying to keep the status quo, by attempting to win you back----or something to that affect!!!!!

[Suerenity]

Well yes! He does now think that I'm serious about 'D' because I have threatened him on numerous occassions as well as I have 0 tolerance for him being a jerk. Plus, he figured I was serious because quite frankly, I stopped caring what he thought. He was the one who got in a very silly collision in my car last year and refused to get it fixed. The car didn't run for about 8mths and so when P and I were on a 'friends only' basis, if it was raining, he would take me to pick my daughter up from nursery and drop us home. Now I know that this was disrepectful to H, however we were only friends at the time and I saw no harm in it considering we worked for the same company which was nearby where I lived but a considerable distance if you're walking with a 30lb baby on your waist in the rain. He was being a good samaritan and Lord knows I needed one of those at the time. He raised a huge issue of it and even went outside once and confronted 'P'. He said that he appreciates what he did to help but no longer wants me in his car, etc. He wants his marriage to work, blah, blah, blah! This whole change in attitute came because of him feeling threatened by another man.

 

Let me say that in no way was I attracted to 'P' because of his car. (Like H insists) I have a car of my own (although not working at the time). I'm no user and was just truly appreciative of the favors but he and I just got close by spending so much time together, talking and sharing life experiences, hanging out sometimes, etc after the fact. H just absolutely hated the fact that some other guy had to step in to offer me the help that I needed instead of him. I since had to get the car fixed myself and no longer needed to hike rides but the damage was done already. 'P' and I were already seeing each other romantically. I never intended to go out there and look for someone to cheat with, it kinda just happened and we fell in love. I loved his company. He was like a breath of fresh air. H has since seen him dropping me off about twice when I said I was going out with 'girlfriends' and so he knows that he and I still talk which has him on the edge.

[jnj express]

If you are sure about this other guy---then stop playing games and file for a D.------Do not use the excuse you can't/won't make it-----Perish the thought but if your H., died, or was maimed---you would have to go out on your own----

 

Your H., based on what you are saying is a jerk, and you should rid yourself of him----but have the decency to get the D., before you move in with your other guy

 

Stop being afraid---just do what you gotta do

[Suerenity]

You're absolutely right. For all these years, it's just been a fear of being 'on my own' with the kids. H and I got moved in together straight from home and have never been all by our lonesome. But you're right, if something did happen to him (Heaven forbids), I would be on my own anyway and have no choice but to survive. Everyday I think about my Mom who has been married to my Step-dad for about 24 years and is in a completely verbally/emotionally/mentally abusive relationship. Step-dad is a heavy drinker, a self-proclaimed atheist (Mom's Christian, doesn't drink) and THE most anti-social person you can ever meet. But, because Mom is scared of suffering on her own and not being left the house, she stayed. Her self-esteem has been irreversibly damaged seems like.

 

Now, the worst of all things happened to me yesterday. Like I said, H wasn't working for the past 2-3 weeks and now has been offered a job. Yay!!! However,,,, the job is literally a stone's throw away from 'P's apartment. OMG!!! What am I to do? He was asked to start his first day at 7 this morning. (I start work at 7 as well). I still managed to sneak by 'P' this morning before work to let him know the "good news". He was totally bummed of course. But, the good thing is that he lives through about 2 turns from where the store is and the apartment has a back road that leads out to the main road a little further ahead of the store so we will have to detour when we're moving together around normal business hours. This sucks! It's like there's always something that tries to get in the way. I'm glad he's gonna be earning a salary (smaller than normal) but this is one job I wish he didn't get. Hmmm??? Should I cause him to quit/get fired? I definitely DO NOT want him to know where 'P' lives! If he knows that, he would have to move because he would go trying to create problems or try to spy on him to see if I'm there or not. I don't need that right now. All of this is making me want to leave more and more because life is becoming more and more complicated. For example, He sends the kids to school EVERYDAY knowing quite well that school fees have to be paid at the end of the week and he had NO JOB.

 

I must get my head together, start saving as much as possible and try to get a place. 'P' and I talked yesterday. Even though we both agreed all along that I would move separately for a while until my 'D' or close to it, he said yesterday that with me and his salary combined, we can just get a 2bed place, pack the kids and "get the * out!" I can tell that he wants this over as much as I do. I still plan to stick with my original plan but, hopefully things don't hit the fan before that because then I may just have to end up moving with P. I don't know how much I can save by December but I would like to get a move on by Christmas or at least before the New Year. I want 2011 to be a brand new beginning.

[Suerenity]

Just as I pray things don't hit the fan, they did. It's too long a story to type again so I'm posting from my online diary (if you see some things used out of context). I do NEED A DIVORCE.

 

"I reached home at 6:11p.m. and met H in the frontroom digging up all the dirty clothes and had ALL of my clothes out the closet and drawers heaped up in the corner. He looked at me and said that I need to let my ride come back for me. I told him that it took a while for me to get home because of the weather and me not having an umbrella, also having to catch the bus. I said I came home as soon as I could have. Then I went into the bathroom to avoid him. He said that I don't care about my kids, I'm a bad mother and everyone can see it. He goes "I tell you now you, you ga take care of these children!" I burst out the bathroom and pointed my finger in his face and said "Listen you mother******, no matter what i WILL take care of my kids!" He pushed me and I fought back. In the middle of the wrestling all over the ground, he punched me in the jaw and I managed to kick him square in the chest. All this while, DS is screaming at the top of his lungs and the baby's crying. I got up, barefooted, earrings torn out, hair everywhere and I ran across the corner to the police station. I reported it and as I went in the car for the officer to come talk to him, I saw him coming with the kids across the street. The Sgt. inside only gave him a warning and tried to talk peace and love with us and sent us home. I was like WTF? Bad mother??? Nobody's there or knows all the months of me scrubbing the WHOLE family's clothes in the kitchen sink or me stealing stuff to make sure DD had pampers and wipes when we had no money, or me laying beside DS in the front door at nights because the power got turned off or walking in the pouring rain with Milani in the stroller because he broke my car etc. These are things I can vividly recall. I think if he's not working and lives right across the corner from his mother's hous, HE should at least pick up the kids who go to school right around the corner and DS walks by his grandma afterschool btw. People just want someone to point their fingers at you and say "there! that's the bad guy!" But do it to him, the man who can't take care of his family, NOT ME! God! I don't know what to do. P said this morning when I went by him that he would go with me if I were to go to Long Island. Only trouble is, we won't be able to live with Mom and Dad. We'd have to get a place together because him, me or Daddy will kill one another and I don't want him living in the same house as my sisters who have no morals. Now I know Mommy will love him. I really want to do that. I know he would love the atmosphere. I must leave J (husband). I can't subject my kids to this kind of life. I'm tired myself. I've reached a point where I don't even want to live yet I'm not ready to die. The last time I got like that, I nearly lost my life in a car accident. I must survive for my children.