rebeccajones Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 We both are out of sight. I have no connection to his friends or family. I took them all off my Facebook. I have no great desire to call him. Sometimes I wonder if he will ever call or how he feels. Sometimes I look at his pictures. He moved out after living together 9 months, dating almost 2 years. I'm not dying but I feel very ansy and sometimes bewildered on how we are not together. I am keeping busy, active with friends and family. I feel I'm doing all I'm supposed to it is still difficult. But overall I'm ok, I hope it gets even better and that I get completely over him. I still feel that I don't know the future or how he feels. We may just move on, I assume we will. I just find it hard to believe we will never speak again. I think I would reach out to him only when I'm completely over him maybe next summer. I am proud of myself that I'm not dying, I have definitely felt worse after a break up, this time I'm handling it better, I think! I still have some work to do. This board gives me relief, because it helps reading and helping others through their loss. Just letting out some feelings. Thanks for listening!
Author rebeccajones Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 (edited) I feel as if I did not give myself fully, I did not fall in love, but I loved him, maybe that is why it does not hurt as much. I did not trust, because how can I completely trust another with my heart? The pain is not worth it. I keep my heart to myself. I like this quote I heard, "Don't love someone or something that can not love you back" But I definitely miss him. Edited October 8, 2010 by rebeccajones
pandagirl Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 I feel as if I did not give myself fully, I did not fall in love, but I loved him, maybe that is why it does not hurt as much. I did not trust, because how can I completely trust another with my heart? The pain is not worth it. I keep my heart to myself. I like this quote I heard, "Don't love someone or something that can not love you back" But I definitely miss him. So you were never in love with him? Maybe that's why it doesn't hurt too much?
Author rebeccajones Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 Maybe Panda. Maybe I held it in and am in denial I'm not sure, I think I've been more angry than anything, maybe he was just so controlling that I feel freer to be myself now. I still have feelings though of wanting him back and I do/did love him. I wonder if he thinks of me all that. So it's still new and I just hope that I can move forwardand forget. Seems like I'm writing in a journal.
poopierabbit Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 I feel as if I did not give myself fully, I did not fall in love, but I loved him, maybe that is why it does not hurt as much. I did not trust, because how can I completely trust another with my heart? The pain is not worth it. I keep my heart to myself. I like this quote I heard, "Don't love someone or something that can not love you back" But I definitely miss him. I read this quote from you and it made my heart stop and a wave of grief has washed over me. Despite living with my girlfriend for four years, and who wanted to get married, I felt that she was holding back. The evidence was not necessarily in the loyalty, as much as it was in the committment of the relationship. When we started to have problems, my partner wasn't present and we continually slid into our present separate ways. I need to explore your feelings more so that I can try to parallel it to my girlfriends feelings. Perhaps then, I can start to cope with my own loss. Understand that despite my apprehension to marriage, I had freely and openly given her all of my heart. That is the reason why I'm left in a state of grief, while she has been able to flick it off like a light switch when leaving the room. God I miss her. To know I'll never see or talk to her hurts more than anything I've ever experienced. There is no finality in it. With death comes finality, however, I know that the love of my life is still out there and so is my love.
Author rebeccajones Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 (edited) I do think I was present if we had problems. Our problem was he was not clear on where he was going in his life, he was living off investment income and was not working. I am somewhat set in my career and I wanted to be married and to raise a child with him. I think I was good to him, I became frustrated because I felt he was not making an effort to get himself on track, he was lost and a big dreamer. I feel I am ready, responsible and able to raise a child and be happily married. It's the old she wants to get married but he doesn't dilemma. But I think maybe we were not right for each other or he is not ready now or maybe he did not love me enough. Either way he was not perfect and I became frustrated that he was not moving in ANY direction. I was tired of being controlled to an extent, but getting none of my wants / needs met. Edited October 8, 2010 by rebeccajones
poopierabbit Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 I'm trying to understand better. If you didn't give away your heart, why would you want to marry? It seems a bit of a puzzle to me and fits squarely within my own struggles with her in the relationship, even though your circumstances were different. She also wanted to get married, but admitted to (finally) near the end that she had never been able to give me all of her heart. That thought came back to me just now and I'm between crests in the grief waves. She told me during our break-up "something was missing" but didn't elaborate. I'm trying to find the "missing" piece. Was it me? Or was it just the absence of her heart that she was referring to? I'm starting to realize that perhaps I loved the ideal more than the person, the potential of who she was rather than the reality. I was also in love with the future, even when the present was in fact, fairly dead. I'm still searching for answers.
Author rebeccajones Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 (edited) If he did want to marry I would have felt more secure and I would continue to love him. Marriage is a commitment too not just being in love. I can't give someone all of me w/o knowing, feeling secure that he wants to be with me and grow and build a life with me. I feel he didn't give me all so I could not give him my all. For me the missing piece was "him" He could not give me what I wanted and then I lost respect for him. Maybe we both expected the what we could not get from one another. I'm not sure what he wanted really. I just know what I did. But he did blame me at the end. He said I fought with him, made him feel bad. So I figure he was not happy, and I just get mad because then why did he stay so long? So I'm like "whatever" when I think about that. Edited October 8, 2010 by rebeccajones
poopierabbit Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 I suppose that's the difference. I wanted her to give me all of her heart before marriage. To me, the love and respect must be there before the ultimate committment. If it isn't, there's no guarantee a marriage would work. And why would anyone want to marry someone that isn't "in completely?" It didn't feel like she was being a partner in our relationship. It felt like she was always on the shallow end of the pool, waiting for me to give and give and give, while she mostly took. I look back and still believe that is the case. I provided the sacrifice, but she did not. All I wanted was some "just us" time after she went to school and she could never find the time to include me as a priority. And yet, here I am, the devastated one, while she moves forward, probably without a single daily thought about us or me. That's reality. That's harsh, brutal reality. She got what she wanted.
Author rebeccajones Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 It's hard poopie I think we try as best we can. I did try. I do see your point about wanting respect and love. I tried to respect him and I did believe in him then gradually it faded. In time maybe we will understand more and in time I hope to meet the right one for me. I'm sure she thinks of you.
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