i request u to let me know ur thoughts:urgent

[shia]

hi

me and my ex broke up a few mths ago coz i was acting insecure and needy.since then he has been in touch with me every 2 weeks or so.i was avoiding him initialy(i followed a no contct period of 2 mths). He once dropped by at my area to meet me,n after dat he started becoming distant from me and wasnt contacting me for days together, wen i asked him y he said he is worried abt his career.he wud initiate contact only once a mth or so thru text , but one good thing was dat he suggested a meeting after a couple of mths and we met.the meeting went great and he was dyin to touch me but didnt coz i had already told him dat i wudnt want dat to happen before we are back together.

 

but i had again grew a bit clingy and anxious to get back together and i suggested to him about getting back together and he refused, but my clingy and insecure behaviour had reached its peak.den he said he had to concentrate on his career and hence he mite be movin to another country for his further studies coz dats more imp to him right now.

 

a mth later he contacted me again and said he has decided to give his career decision a shot. to that i said i have always supported him with whatever he thinks is good for him and wished him all the best. he replied, thanks,i knew u will wish me from ur heart.

 

a mth later, he contacted me on chat to which i didnt respond,and he called me "heartless". a few days later i had to contact him coz i was in some trouble and he wasnt available on his fone so i had to email him and i got a response from him sayin he is in canada(i m from india) and if i tell him the prob he will try to help me if he can. i said its ok and den let him know that i agreed with his decision of not getting back together and thanked him for everything he did for me and apologised saying that i might have come across as being very demanding and pressurizing for him.he replied, yes he did feel dat a lot esp in the later mths of dating, but the first 6mths were a "rocking dream" to him. he also said he is not blaming anyone and he will meet me wen he is back to india, after a year. i replied back saying that i dont want us to be freinds and we wud be sticking to his decisions, and i m moving on with my life and things are going great for me. he didnt reply to that, and a day later, he got back to me on chat again, acting as if nothing had happened, and tryin to make a pleasant conversation with me. i cut it short after a few lines and said i m getting late i have to go.

 

i have 3 options now:

1. ignore him completely for a while since i have already told him i dont want us to be friends and dat i m moving on

 

2. talk to him on chat but casually.

 

3. not talk to him wen he is online but just get back to him after a while sayin that i have been busy and lettting him know casually whats happening in my life, and telling him i will get back to him for a chat maybe wen i m not so busy.

 

whatver info i have found on net they are all saying that u shud be responding to ur ex if he is keepin in touch with u.but my ex is just contacting me once in a mth or so...i dont know how shud i be handling this...dat day on chat i spoke to him very casually and just cut short the conversation after a few lines and i thot by doing this, he will be tempted to make his contact with me more frequent, but he doesnt seem to be eager to make further contact, its been more than a week now. i know he will contact me sooner or later but he is acting very cold and not at all eager.

 

plz tell me how do i make him to contact me more frequently ?he seems to be interested in talkin to me still but its like so infrequent. plus he is now in another country so howdo i reignite our relationship on the net?plz let me know ur views. should i ignore him coz i have told him i m moving on and dont want to be friends, or shud i respond to him like casually , or shud i respond to him saying that i m busy and i have things to do with other friends, and will get back to him?whats the best approach here?how do i make him intersted in me again?

 

thanks buddies!

shia

[Weekender]

Shia,

 

I don't know much about you and your ex other than what you have described, but here is my opinion. He said he would be away for a year, I suggest use that time to work on your needyness. Don't do it just to get him back, but do it for yourself. Don't need another person to validate your worth. If you can work on that in a year he may be impressed when he returns, but do it not with the hope of winning him back but improving yourself.

 

Also remember that if he is studying in Canada the time difference with India and the possible heavy work load he is doing for his career. So when you do get to chat he may have a schedule to keep or could be tired.

 

Remember he is using this year to improve himself; you can also do the same. Definitely try to work on the insecurity. If you insist or complain about lack of contact it may come across to him that you are still needy and insecure and you already know he doesn't like that.

 

Whether you decide to have limited contact or no contact is up to you, but most people would recommend no contact if you cannot be just friends and need time to heal yourself. I will let others jump in and address that since I usually go no contact myself in that situation.

 

I hope this helps.

[shia]

thanks for ur reply.to me it seems to be the most logical thing to do.

 

buti have certain doubts.one is this, he hardly comes online ..i dont understand wht is stopping him from comin online..atleast he cud come online for his other friends...though he is online but he hardly comes on chat etc...anyways thats a different story but now,whatever articles i have read about seem to suggest to keep limited contact,and not avoid ur ex altogether.see we broke up 6 mths back and i have already followed a nc period of 2 mths and he was following up with me ever since but i didnt respond back and den he dropped me at my area also and we met.but alas , i failed to take it slow,sincei was so needy.now my question is, shud i again start with the no contact ?

 

another thing which bothers me is dat he hardly comes online on chat.he has made a fb account only last month(all this while he was never on fb ).he was on orkut 4 yrs back but ever since we met, he has made his visits there very very infrequent. wen we met ,he used to be there on yahoo chat but after 6mths or so, his visits decreased der also.he wud hardly be seen even on gmail chat and if i wud send him a card or something he wud check it weeks later, so i knew that he isnt even regularly accessing his gmail account.

 

anyways after our first fight, he had actually deleted me from orkut.but he didnt delete me from yahoo messenger or gmail.it was me who deleted him from gmail and yahoo messenger,but he used to keep sendin me msgs so i knew he hadnt deleted me from there.i added him again on gmail but he wud never initiate chat though i wud see him online and once i asked him y and he replied that his chat icon shows me as offline, he never understood i m online he was thinking all this while dat i m always offline...i dint understand y dat happened.and anyways since i was so needy and insecure, i wud hate seeing him online coz i wud feel he is talkin to someone else and so i deleted him from gmail finally.

 

so now its like he can see me online only on yahoo messenger and he has made a fb account last mth but he hasnt sent me a friend request or anything.

 

so its like i can make a no contact again but he hardly contcts me once in 2 -4 weeks dats just so less contact dat i dont know how effective its gonna be...its so difficult for me to keep no contact, it really sucks. ...and its so difficult to do so..... i m finding it so difficult to be so strong...findin it very difficult to heal myself out of my insecurities...i m meditating , praying , talking to friends, making new friends, meeting guys, shopping, concentrating on my work, doin things that i like, takin care of myself, and its all going well...but i mstill insecure and needy...its like none of these things is changing me from within...

[Weekender]

Sometimes real and lasting change takes time. There is a saying "Things worth doing seldom come easy." The first step is to admit we have a weakness in ourselves. The second step is to take action to change it.

 

I don't know what sort of career he is in but I know I myself have several emails for different things and will neglect one or more for a long period of time because I am involved in something else.

 

Also, I was a student too not too long ago and would need to be online to do my work; I would have many open windows with volume down and would end up having missed chats with people because I was so focused on my work.

 

That is what I would recommend for you; focus on something. When you are busy you will think less about him. It will be much easier that way. Do not worry about him on chat or FB. I know many people who are on FB and rarely check it. His situation on chat may be like mine was. Remember, students have strange hours and more than likely the period of midterms may be coming at the end of October. He may not have the time to chat for long periods if at all for a few weeks.

 

I would also recommend reading through some of the other posts here and seeing what others are also dealing with. You will see you are not alone in this. Many others are here struggling too.

 

Stay strong

[shia]

thanks weekender...

 

thank u so much...wht u are saying does make sense to me...iits making me feel so much better...i shal try to be strong...i know its difficult but i have to do this for myself....i will try my best...

 

god bless u...

[Weekender]

God bless you too!

 

Remember we are all works in progress. And do this for yourself. Don't do it thinking it will win him back, because then you really aren't doing it for yourself.

 

I would also caution that as you can see here on the boards, many times the break-ups are for good. It is not easy, but there is good support here! Learn and help as much as you can.