Author KarmasTestDummy Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 Karma, I see it differently. If you were still involved in an A with MM, your future would be dim. You would be his OW, his FWB, nothing more. Now you are just yours, your own person, your own woman. You are free to love yourself and focus on yourself instead of MM. And eventually find a good single guy who makes your future together even brighter. I know it is hard to break free from an all-consuming relationship; I am trying to do it myself and I am not as far along in the process as you are. I KNOW it gets hard. I know it feels so much easier to stay with these guys than live life on our own. But really staying with them may feel easier in the short run, we get our fix and have our distraction and have hopes that they will give us more, give us what they really want... but in the long term they are so very damaging and toxic. So we have to get out of them to start healing. That's really what I'm starting to think. I need to be totally without him to even know how much better my future is going to be. Same for you. RIGHT NOW you don't have to listen to his BS, to second-guess him and doubt him and feel down. You can just focus on yourself and yes that's hard but it's necessary right? Try to stay positive... I've found that I can kind of "train" myself how to think. If I want to have hope and buy every load of BS that MM feeds me, I can (for awhile anyway). If I want to question every little thing he says and does and be suspicious and cynical, I can (for awhile anyway). BUT if I want to just say screw this, I am done questioning and settling for less than I really want, I am going to be HAPPY on my own without him... I know I can do it, for good. I know I can and you can too. I know you're right...I just have to feel it too. Easier said than done. I'm just glad it's Friday. My friends won't let me' sit and fester. I've got an 80's dress-up birthday party to go to tomorrow. Hello big hair, tight cuff jeans, leg warmers and pumps. Ought to be good for a few laughs, and you never know...might meet the man of my dreams dressed up as don Johnson from Miami Vice while I'm there.
Star_Bright Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 I know you're right...I just have to feel it too. Easier said than done. I'm just glad it's Friday. My friends won't let me' sit and fester. I've got an 80's dress-up birthday party to go to tomorrow. Hello big hair, tight cuff jeans, leg warmers and pumps. Ought to be good for a few laughs, and you never know...might meet the man of my dreams dressed up as don Johnson from Miami Vice while I'm there. This is great! I'm so glad you have a good support network. The 80's party sounds fun. This weekend I will be celebrating a friend's birthday both nights. Tonight was supposed to be "couples night" and MM was going to come--she's one of only two friends plus my sister who knows about MM--but he is no longer on the invite list! I will be going stag and I am fine with it. Tomorrow night is girls' night out dinner and dancing. I told my mom I have been depressed (not why) and she offered to come out and visit me or have my dad visit (they live far away). And my sister, who has hated MM since Day 1 - should have told me something!! - and I are going to NYC in two weeks. I want to see Rent again while we're there because I find the lyrics so inspirational.* It makes me feel good to concentrate on the family and friends who love me. I really hope it will help me forget about MM more quickly, even though I know it will be hard. I'm glad you're doing the same, I think we will both be much happier in the long run! *"There is no future, there is no past, I live this moment as my last. There's only us, there's only this, forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way, no day but today.
fooled once Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 KTD........what I see is a man who is telling you not to expect much if you continue seeing him. I also see a lot of bs and spin to make him sound like the poor baby. That timing thing......it comes straight out of the mm handbook. It's such a set up and I hope you can see that. He works on building you up with compliments but in the same breathe offers you crumbs of his time. It's really pathetic but when you are invested as you are, it's hard to see it. I almost hate to say this but is there any way you could do some snooping concerning his wife? I say this because if you found out he lied about her being the druggie and all that other stuff, it would help you shut the door and I'm sorry to say I think this guy has lied a lot to you to invoke your pity and get you to look at him through rose colored glasses. I have a feeling his wife is NONE of the things he said she was. BB07, I have to disagree with the bolded. Karma, IMHO, needs to back away from this marriage/these 2 people and build her own life up. She doesn't need to be nosing around in their life, asking questions, checking up on the wife, etc. It is time for her to put all this behind her and heal. Thanks. He didn't try and turn it into more though. He honestly said he is still trying at home, that they are communicating more, and *gasp* even admitted they're having sex again to rekindle the romance. If all was that lovely I don't think he should have wanted to drunk text me' last night for sex, but I don't pretend to understand his thinking anymore. I just see he is not what I thought. He is not the man who is going to swoop in and give he all the love I've been missing out on for so long. I am going to just saw be careful with your thinking here. Don't worry about what they are doing. Nor concern yourself if things are lovey dovey at home. The mere fact that many MM have routine sex with their wives and still seek out an affair doesn't mean things at home are bad. It means things within the cheater aren't right. And you are darn right, he isn't the man for you. There is a better one out there... just wait....when the time is right, he will be standing in front of you. Please dont take this the wrong way... Sorry, but this guy comes across as a real slimebag. I hope you'll keep NC and then come back in a couple of weeks and re-read your OP. I hope then you'll see him as what he is. I'll give you credit for sticking it out through the conversation. After the first couple of paragraphs, my stomach started to turn. I would have told him to eff off at maybe text #3. I agree. KTD, I'd like to reiterate my advice to you from before. Take active measures to remove him from your life. Remove his contact info from your phone/pc/communication accounts/etc... And block him from yours. Change accounts where applicable/possible. Prevent a recurrence of last night. Don't give him an avenue of approach to breach NC with you casually again. Make him have to WORK to get ahold of you, rather than allow yourself to be available when he comes. Hang in there friend. Owl is right on!!
Owl Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 Owl is ALWAYS right!!! The sooner that people realize this...the sooner happiness will be achieved!!! :D :D
donnamaybe Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 Owl is ALWAYS right!!! The sooner that people realize this...the sooner happiness will be achieved!!! :D :DThat's it! Out to the barn with your feathered arse!
EricaH329 Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 Karma, i'd like to say that i've been following your story from the beginning, and I must commend you on your strength. I know it's not easy doing one thing, when your heart is telling you to do another. I think that's why we are all here. But know that you are doing the right thing, even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment. You are a very strong woman. To be able to stand up for yourself the way you did, and stick to your guns... many women would die for that sort of strength. The respect and love you have for yourself is admirable. Feel blessed. Many women stay in relationships with men like this because they cannot muster up the courage (and strength) to walk away, even though they know it's bad for them to stay. You are a very strong and wonderful woman. You deserve someone who can appreciate that, and understands what they have. Good luck to you
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