Stupid stupid stupid

[KarmasTestDummy]

Frigger barely made 3 days of NC and "Giving her a fair chance". And just as was predicted, everytime he comes back to the playing field he has less and less to offer. After the initial talk here's where the convo led...

 

Mm: I know but you knew I was technically married and living with her. It's really nothing to me...A chore

Me: I know I know..I'm just being stupid maybe, but damn what is it u want? If ur still trying to save ur marriage talking to me' is only going to keep u in a place of lies and deceit

 

You help me and I hope I help you. I still love you. That doesn't go away. Just bad timing.

 

I want you so bad, and not just in a sexual way or someone to talk to. Timing is everything...if I'm too soon thats one thing, but too late could be disastrous to me

 

I just want to make you feel good.I owe you so much.

 

I don't want to feel good, I want to feel loved. You kinda threw me' under the bus.

 

Your right, and it is what u deserve. Nobody deserves it more. Nobody has ever been as good to me as you have.

 

I have been okay. I'm not sitting here crying in my cheerios. I saw it coming the second I didn't hear goodmorning the day of (son's) birthday party

 

I see I've hurt you enough. I'm so sorry

 

It's different from your pov...u get me' and u get ur family...I get u only when u can

 

I thought we were backing down for the time being because I knew you were already getting frustrated

I understand ur side. Ur single and free.

 

I know I'm making it confusing. We were and did back down. But my feelings never changed so it's my fault I put more stock into it

 

But what's the harm in me coming to please you and you pleasing me every once in a while. For now I can't promise more nor did I from the beginning.

 

The harm is in wanting more...I see that now. But I only harm myself, I don't ever ask anything more of u

 

Mine didn't either but I forced myself to hold back some because your single and I couldn't be there for you like I should or like you deserve. I only want a little of your time and you know that it's our time and we are one in our time together and it gives us both thoughts to make us smile in our own boring days alone. I do love you but in my situation we are going to have to keep it simple. I can't stop you from dating and moving on. All I can offer is my time when I get a chance to put a smile on your face and make you feel wanted and good. Help give you the confidence and self worth you cut yourself short on. Like a therapy session for the both of us.

 

I don't think I can keep sleeping with u. I welcome the communication but I know I won't move on so long as I remain intimate with you. I actually have a belief in being true to one person at a time

 

I respect that but I thought it worked well with your busy schedule.

 

Being with someone who would drop me' like a hot potato if his wife found out we were talking isn't all so great for a persons confidence and self worth

 

Be selfish for once. Ok, ok. I won't push. I'm sorry

You deserve someone full-time. I'll stay out of your way

 

Seriously though, what IS your plan with ur marriage? U still just gonna stay til she decides to leave on her own accord?

 

I'm concentrating on my kids and there all about daddy and we've been having a blast. (Wife) hates that too.

 

 

So, that was the best he could offer me'. No groveling but at least not a ton of false promises either. I opted not to take him up on it...still feels so disrespectful of me'. He's unhappy, I get that but you can keep using the same excuses over and over. I'm sure I'll still hear from him. I didn't tell him to stay out of my life, just that I want more and getting it isn't ever going to come from him.

[jennie-jennie]

So, that was the best he could offer me'. No groveling but at least not a ton of false promises either. I opted not to take him up on it...still feels so disrespectful of me'. He's unhappy, I get that but you can keep using the same excuses over and over. I'm sure I'll still hear from him. I didn't tell him to stay out of my life, just that I want more and getting it isn't ever going to come from him.

 

I'm glad you had an honest conversation. On some OW sites the trend is to recommend the OW to accept things as they are, as just an extramarital affair, and not expect and hardly not even acknowledge that you want more. I don't agree with that. If you want more you want more, and it should not be a secret in my opinion.

 

I take it the FWB did not work out for you. It seems that is what he wants. I would be pissed at that too. Well, good thing you cleared the air and got everything out there.

[TigerCub]

The only thing I'll give him credit for is finally being honest with you about how little he can give you.

 

I know you love him, and I understand that maybe in a few days, maybe a week or whatever you're going to miss him and want to be with him again - but honestly sweetie, fight the urge. try to slowly get him out of your life, if you can't do it all at once.

 

As long as you stay attached to him (emotionally), you wont be able to move on.

[anne1707]

But what's the harm in me coming to please you and you pleasing me every once in a while.

 

 

This tells you all you need to know

 

He has basically said it's sex and nothing more. You deserve so much better than him (as does his wife!)

[BB07]

KTD........what I see is a man who is telling you not to expect much if you continue seeing him. I also see a lot of bs and spin to make him sound like the poor baby. That timing thing......it comes straight out of the mm handbook. It's such a set up and I hope you can see that. He works on building you up with compliments but in the same breathe offers you crumbs of his time.

It's really pathetic but when you are invested as you are, it's hard to see it.

 

I almost hate to say this but is there any way you could do some snooping concerning his wife? I say this because if you found out he lied about her being the druggie and all that other stuff, it would help you shut the door and I'm sorry to say I think this guy has lied a lot to you to invoke your pity and get you to look at him through rose colored glasses. I have a feeling his wife is NONE of the things he said she was.

[bentnotbroken]

Lying about the wife again and covering his intent with flowery language.....oink, oink.

[desertIslandCactus]

I agree with the other posters KTD.

 

Sounds like he's been honest with you in letting you know where he stands. He is where he wants to be. If he weren't - he would be with you. He just wants more.

 

Don't continue to be the mortar for someone elses marriage. Make your own life as the whole complete woman you were born to be.

[donnamaybe]

Don't fall for the "poor me" BS Karma. Poor him my arse!

 

You just worry about your life. You owe him nothing. NOTHING! He's used you enough. POS! So he's honest that all he wants is sex with you while he lies to his wife. Big f'ing deal!

[KarmasTestDummy]

The story continues. He just text me' again this morning. Apologizing profusely. He said he had a few drinks last night and he texted me' when he shouldn't have and it was his loneliness and missing me but that he would never put me in that position to set me up to get hurt over and over again. Said he didn't men to demean me' into something as trivial as a POA to get his rocks off, and that he won't text or come around so long as he can't make a decision to leave.

I told him I agreed that he needs to stop. Told him I want nothing to do with his situation unless he is separated and wants to treat me' like I need to be treated in an honest and true relationship.

So, let's give this nc another whirl. I'm stronger than I thought. I didn't cave or cry or criticize him. Just told him to take care of his $hit and leave me' out of it.

[desertIslandCactus]

So, let's give this nc another whirl. I'm stronger than I thought. I didn't cave or cry or criticize him. Just told him to take care of his $hit and leave me' out of it.

 

............sounds like a good plan to me ..

[TigerCub]

KTD this guy is terrible!!!

now that he sobered up and realized that what he told you yesterday (which is the truth - that he has nothing to offer and just wants you to be booty call), now he realized that's going to ruin his chances of stringing you along even more, so no wonder he's appologizing up and down and going back to his first bit (which worked a lot better)

 

I'm so mad for you. I actually gave him a lil credit for being honest about not having anything to offer you, but now he's sobered up and realizes that it hurts his chances of f*cking you so he's going back to the old song and dance!!! UGH!!! I'm so mad.

 

As for you my dear...Good for you for being strong. I'm proud of you, but honestly, stay on your guard, and please please stick to your guns. I don't want you to get hurt.

 

**HUGS**

[KarmasTestDummy]

I'm glad you had an honest conversation. On some OW sites the trend is to recommend the OW to accept things as they are, as just an extramarital affair, and not expect and hardly not even acknowledge that you want more. I don't agree with that. If you want more you want more, and it should not be a secret in my opinion.

 

I take it the FWB did not work out for you. It seems that is what he wants. I would be pissed at that too. Well, good thing you cleared the air and got everything out there.

 

Thank you Jennie. The fwb...I dint know what I thought would come of that other than accepting the circumstances and wanting from him whatever he had to offer. I no longer want that. I have been honest with him from the beginning, but stayed hopeful. Now I just see him as a mess and in a mess...and being around him does nothing but comfort me' in the short run. A good book, feel good movie or a day at the park with my kids and dog can do the same thing, so I just need to find an outlet that doesn't involve jeapordizing myself for anyone else.

[KarmasTestDummy]

KTD this guy is terrible!!!

now that he sobered up and realized that what he told you yesterday (which is the truth - that he has nothing to offer and just wants you to be booty call), now he realized that's going to ruin his chances of stringing you along even more, so no wonder he's appologizing up and down and going back to his first bit (which worked a lot better)

 

I'm so mad for you. I actually gave him a lil credit for being honest about not having anything to offer you, but now he's sobered up and realizes that it hurts his chances of f*cking you so he's going back to the old song and dance!!! UGH!!! I'm so mad.

 

As for you my dear...Good for you for being strong. I'm proud of you, but honestly, stay on your guard, and please please stick to your guns. I don't want you to get hurt.

 

**HUGS**

 

Thanks. He didn't try and turn it into more though. He honestly said he is still trying at home, that they are communicating more, and *gasp* even admitted they're having sex again to rekindle the romance. If all was that lovely I don't think he should have wanted to drunk text me' last night for sex, but I don't pretend to understand his thinking anymore. I just see he is not what I thought. He is not the man who is going to swoop in and give he all the love I've been missing out on for so long.

[scatterd]

Im proud of you your a strong woman.These kind of men are really looking out for their own.I have been keeping up with your post and I think he is and

has been telling you what he thinks you need to hear and as far as leaving his wife because he claims she is so awful is another thing he thinks you need to hear.What excuse would he have if he told you she is wonderful.The fact is if she was so bad he would be divoriced.To bad you could not see what goes on there I bet she is not what he says.Men can be so convincing cant they Try to get away from him as you are because if you was to marry him he would do the same thing after he gets bored go find a man that is worthy of your love

I know this will take time but you will be better for it.Think about it if you got him how could you ever trust him you already know he cheats and either way it hurts this is a lose lose situation.I wish you the best and stay strong.

[jthorne]

Please dont take this the wrong way...

Sorry, but this guy comes across as a real slimebag. I hope you'll keep NC and then come back in a couple of weeks and re-read your OP. I hope then you'll see him as what he is.

 

I'll give you credit for sticking it out through the conversation. After the first couple of paragraphs, my stomach started to turn. I would have told him to eff off at maybe text #3.

[TigerCub]

I just see he is not what I thought. He is not the man who is going to swoop in and give he all the love I've been missing out on for so long.

 

I'm glad that you finally see him for what he really is - that makes it easier to resist getting back into things.

 

I'm sorry that he wasn't what you wanted, and that its all very disappointing now, but I'm so glad for you that you finally see it.

 

You will find that person that will give you the love that you deserve, and it wont be nearly as difficult as it is with this guy.

[Mimolicious]

WHOA! I have to agree with Jthorne...

 

This guy is a piece of work. I'd stop replying by text #2. LOL!

 

I don't think he can make it any more clear that he only cares for himself.

Poor W, poor kids and poor you KTD if you fall for his sorry halfassed story.

 

Hone, I gotta say I heart you! You are smarter than your average chick and right about now be as FAB and GLAM as you can be and leave the dramz behind. You don't deserve it. I was reading your other thread and of course as normal it turns into something else...

 

Someone there said a comment about "knockoffs".

 

Mine goes (and some LS'ers have seen it) to those who call their affairs "Amazing" and how these MM/MW just found "Amazing" in their APs and so on...

 

"I found these AMAZING pair of diamond earrings and I wear them everyday. One thing I wont do is wear a cubic zirconia ever again". Translates into not settling for less than what you deserve.

 

You deserve a man that AT LEAST can stand up for himself. This clown can't even do that. I know that your heart aches but if this can come as any consolation- YOU HAVE LOST NOTHING! (yet, have much more to gain and find by moving forward). You are fairly young. I am about your age but lived a nightmare when my xH destroyed our home and marriage for OW.

 

At this point- it's all up to you. Don't let him dull your shine by offering scraps. No matter how "good" he's going to make you feel, 2 nanoseconds are not exactly promising for the rest of your life.

 

Good luck babygirl and keep strong and fab!

[Owl]

KTD, I'd like to reiterate my advice to you from before.

 

Take active measures to remove him from your life.

 

Remove his contact info from your phone/pc/communication accounts/etc...

 

And block him from yours. Change accounts where applicable/possible.

 

Prevent a recurrence of last night. Don't give him an avenue of approach to breach NC with you casually again.

 

Make him have to WORK to get ahold of you, rather than allow yourself to be available when he comes.

 

Hang in there friend.

[Brokenlady]

Wow. Quite a backhanded apology for him to then make sure you knew he was having sex with his W again even as he claims he wants to be sensitive to your needs. Yuck!!!

[Star_Bright]

Wow I agree that he is a slimebag. He wants to come over and please you and have you please him now and then? Ugh.

 

It sucks because they don't value us. We have to value ourselves. We have to kick these slimeballs to the curb.

 

I'm glad you are staying strong and getting him out of your life, he is bad news. Good luck, stay srong!

[KarmasTestDummy]

Wow I agree that he is a slimebag. He wants to come over and please you and have you please him now and then? Ugh.

 

It sucks because they don't value us. We have to value ourselves. We have to kick these slimeballs to the curb.

 

I'm glad you are staying strong and getting him out of your life, he is bad news. Good luck, stay srong!

 

I'm staying strong but today is super hard. All this is putting so much into perspective. I don't like reflecting on these feelings, my whole life in front of me' and what is starting to feel like a very dim future.

[donnamaybe]

I'm rating strong but today is super hard. All this is putting so much into perspective. I don't like reflecting on these feelings, my whole life in front of me' and what is starting to feel like a very dim future.

Not so! What would be a "dim future" would be for you to follow the same path I see so many others; that of making excuses for why your MM can't leave his M and be with you.

 

You have just as bright a future as any other woman! I found the love of my life, finally, at the age of 45! Living with him is like nothing I've ever had before. He is so good and considerate, yet smart, sexy and funny and won't settle for being treated badly.

 

Please don't think you can't have what you deserve. Just don't settle, and don't get hung up on one not worth having. That way, you'll be free when THE right one comes along!

[Star_Bright]

I'm staying strong but today is super hard. All this is putting so much into perspective. I don't like reflecting on these feelings, my whole life in front of me' and what is starting to feel like a very dim future.

 

Karma, I see it differently. If you were still involved in an A with MM, your future would be dim. You would be his OW, his FWB, nothing more. Now you are just yours, your own person, your own woman. You are free to love yourself and focus on yourself instead of MM. And eventually find a good single guy who makes your future together even brighter. I know it is hard to break free from an all-consuming relationship; I am trying to do it myself and I am not as far along in the process as you are.

 

I KNOW it gets hard. I know it feels so much easier to stay with these guys than live life on our own. But really staying with them may feel easier in the short run, we get our fix and have our distraction and have hopes that they will give us more, give us what they really want... but in the long term they are so very damaging and toxic. So we have to get out of them to start healing. That's really what I'm starting to think. I need to be totally without him to even know how much better my future is going to be. Same for you. RIGHT NOW you don't have to listen to his BS, to second-guess him and doubt him and feel down. You can just focus on yourself and yes that's hard but it's necessary right?

 

Try to stay positive... I've found that I can kind of "train" myself how to think. If I want to have hope and buy every load of BS that MM feeds me, I can (for awhile anyway). If I want to question every little thing he says and does and be suspicious and cynical, I can (for awhile anyway). BUT if I want to just say screw this, I am done questioning and settling for less than I really want, I am going to be HAPPY on my own without him... I know I can do it, for good. I know I can and you can too.

[Star_Bright]

 

You have just as bright a future as any other woman! I found the love of my life, finally, at the age of 45! Living with him is like nothing I've ever had before. He is so good and considerate, yet smart, sexy and funny and won't settle for being treated badly.

 

Awww this is so good to hear! Good for you DonnaMaybe, that's inspirational, thanks for sharing.

 

My goal is to love myself. I don't think I've ever done that before. And my second goal is never to settle for less than I truly want, and to find real love eventually. Thanks for sharing that it's possible. I don't even care if I have to wait 15 years, I will not be anyone I have to question and doubt and settle for, ever again. And neither should you Karma!

[donnamaybe]

Awww this is so good to hear! Good for you DonnaMaybe, that's inspirational, thanks for sharing.

 

My goal is to love myself. I don't think I've ever done that before. And my second goal is never to settle for less than I truly want, and to find real love eventually. Thanks for sharing that it's possible. I don't even care if I have to wait 15 years, I will not be anyone I have to question and doubt and settle for, ever again. And neither should you Karma!

PERFECT!

 

Here's the thing about having a boyfriend: So you have one. What if it turns out that he DOESN'T fulfill your wants and needs? You waste all this time NOT going to girls' nights out as often (you know we do this when we have a BF ), NOT having those lovely lucid, tranquil moments where the house is empty and we're reading a good book or soaking in a hot lavendar scented bath. Having to cook dinner when you DON'T really want to. All those things that we do differently because we have a man in our life. Is it worth changing our life so when it's a man not worthy of us? Better to be alone and wait for the right one.