Will this guilt go away?

[FabulousPrincess]

It has been 11 months later since I made out with my friend's fiance at a party but we were both very wasted.

There was certain deep grinding and a very long making-out session. Anyways she doesn't know about this but will this ever come to light?

 

I know I've done something wrong but don't want this to ruin our friendship. Any way I can get rid of this guilt without her finding out about it? Ever since this incident I have kept my distance from her fiance.

[JustJoe]

You should have thought about this BEFORE you made out with her BF. Ask yourself, what kind of "friend ", would do this? If you really want to make things right, tell her about it and take your medicine. She should know what kind of friend and BF she has. To keep this "in the dark", is showing her no respect. Yes it will probably come out, at some time. Do you want her to find out from someone else?

[FabulousPrincess]

You should have thought about this BEFORE you made out with her BF. Ask yourself, what kind of "friend ", would do this?

I have been beating myself over this incident many time. I can't believe I got that drunk.

Do you want her to find out from someone else?

I definitely do not want this to happen but at the same time, telling would would devastate both our friendship and her wedding preparation. Lots of invitation has been send out and money was spend on this too. Their wedding will be taking place towards the beginning of January.

[PegNosePete]

I definitely do not want this to happen but at the same time, telling would would devastate both our friendship and her wedding preparation. Lots of invitation has been send out and money was spend on this too. Their wedding will be taking place towards the beginning of January.

What firendship? You made out with her fiance. That doesn't make you a friend. It should be up to her to forgive you or not, that will determine whether you are truly friends.

 

As for their marriage, better to call it off now than to get a divorce later.

 

Tell the truth before someone else does.

[hellhathnofury]

I have been beating myself over this incident many time. I can't believe I got that drunk.

You weren't that drunk. if you remember doing it, and remember deciding to do it, 'being drunk' is no excuse at all. The only thing being drunk did, was lower your inhibitions. You still did the deed, you still know you were doing it, you could still have stopped yourself, and you could have said no. You were drunk, but not incapable.

Forget this excuse. it doesn't wash.

 

I definitely do not want this to happen but at the same time, telling would would devastate both our friendship and her wedding preparation.

Good.

She deserves better than a cheating BF who would make out with her best friend. He should be kicked to the Kerb. If I were her, I would dump him at the altar, when the priest asks "if anyone knows of any lawful impediment as to why these two should not be joined together...." I'd flatten him with my bouquet, and tell everyone why the guy is such a losing jerk.

 

Lots of invitation has been send out and money was spend on this too. Their wedding will be taking place towards the beginning of January.

Not if you have any grain of honesty and decency, it won't.

You did the crime, now be dignified enough to take it on the chin. Money can't buy happiness. And you made sure of that.

[FabulousPrincess]

You weren't that drunk. if you remember doing it, and remember deciding to do it, 'being drunk' is no excuse at all. The only thing being drunk did, was lower your inhibitions. You still did the deed, you still know you were doing it, you could still have stopped yourself, and you could have said no. You were drunk, but not incapable.

Forget this excuse. it doesn't wash.

I agree there should have been self-control from the both of us but I can't go back in time and rewind the clock, it's already done. I feel more guilty because it was really him that stopped things, I didn't and it would have probably gone further if he had been more out of control. It was then that he stood up and told me he messed up and loves my friend too much. Then he left me all alone and the next day I just threw up (feeling sick from both what has happened and drinking too much).

He does feels guilt too and from what I know he's now always with my friend when there's a party. As stated, I have kept my distance from him but when greeting the both of them, I should see his guilt expression and we don't talk too much anymore except when all of us are reunited.

[leftfordead2]

An honest mistake?

[FabulousPrincess]

An honest mistake?

It was indeed the stupidest thing I've ever done. I have gotten drunk before but nothing in comparing to this.

[JustJoe]

Listen, FP, you know what you should do, right? If you were an honest person and true friend to her, you would tell the truth. What do you want from us? Do you want us to say that it's ok for you to continue to lie to your friend? Most posters will not do that. You want to sweep this under the carpet and let your friend marry a cheater, just because you lack the courage to face up to your terrible behavior. And also don't blame the drinking. The drinks didn't cheat, you did. If you were her good friend, you would have stopped. You need to be an adult, and face up to your responsibilities.

[hellhathnofury]

Put the boot on the other foot.

 

If your BF jerked about with your best friend, wouldn't you want to know?

And who would you prefer to find out from, exactly?

 

Before or after your wedding?

 

If you had enough front, gumption and damned cheek to do this - and want to carry on, even though he called a halt to it - then you should find an equally (and opposite) amount of gumption and damned cheek to summon up the courage, and do what you know you need to do.

[FabulousPrincess]

Put the boot on the other foot.

If your BF jerked about with your best friend, wouldn't you want to know?

And who would you prefer to find out from, exactly?

Well I've been in a relationship since March of this year but we have a different lifestyle (we can wonder off as long as there is protection and it's with someone known). However if I was in a monogamous relationship, then I would rather find out from my boyfriend. If someone else tells me, I'm unlikely to believe it immediately unless there are overwhelming evidence or the cheater confess to it.

Before or after your wedding?

I think it would have to depend on how far did the cheating went and if it was only once or multiple times. If my boyfriend kissed my best friend or another girl while drunk, they both regret it and promised to themselves not to repeat it, then it's best left unknown. If it's a prolonged affair then I would want to know about then.

 

I'll have to face the music then. At the same time think it would be good to inform her fiance about it so he'll have the time to think about it.

 

Oh my what a complicated situation I've gotten myself into. One day my life was free of stress and the next it's full of guilt.

[sanskrit]

Disagree with the others and wouldn't tell her. Just let it go and promise yourself never to do anything like that again. You will eventually stop obsessing on it.

[FabulousPrincess]

Disagree with the others and wouldn't tell her. Just let it go and promise yourself never to do anything like that again. You will eventually stop obsessing on it.

This is what my boyfriend has been telling me, to stop focusing too much on this and simply control my actions from now on.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want to know? By the way, the advise that your boyfriend gave you now tells you that if he ever cheated he would never have any attention of being honest with you either. I guess you both make the perfect couple now.

[lkjh]

Well I've been in a relationship since March of this year but we have a different lifestyle (we can wonder off as long as there is protection and it's with someone known). However if I was in a monogamous relationship, then I would rather find out from my boyfriend. If someone else tells me, I'm unlikely to believe it immediately unless there are overwhelming evidence or the cheater confess to it.

I think it would have to depend on how far did the cheating went and if it was only once or multiple times. If my boyfriend kissed my best friend or another girl while drunk, they both regret it and promised to themselves not to repeat it, then it's best left unknown. If it's a prolonged affair then I would want to know about then.

 

I'll have to face the music then. At the same time think it would be good to inform her fiance about it so he'll have the time to think about it.

 

Oh my what a complicated situation I've gotten myself into. One day my life was free of stress and the next it's full of guilt.

 

 

 

Im not gonna try and force you to tell but I realize that people who do bad things always describe their situation as the one type where they "wouldn't want to know". Do you really think that if your fiance cheated on you with your bf you would simply not want to know? Come on we would all want to know

 

 

Now whether you should tell or not is up to you but I will say that I think you are blaming the alcohol a little too much. I think you are overstating how drunk and impaired you were at the time.

[FabulousPrincess]

If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want to know? By the way, the advise that your boyfriend gave you now tells you that if he ever cheated he would never have any attention of being honest with you either. I guess you both make the perfect couple now.

How would he cheat on me if we're in an open relationship? Our lifestyles differs from my friend's relationship. There is no cheating in our relationship.

[FabulousPrincess]

Do you really think that if your fiance cheated on you with your bf you would simply not want to know? Come on we would all want to know

Huh? I'm not the engaged girl, my friend is.

[leftfordead2]

How would he cheat on me if we're in an open relationship? Our lifestyles differs from my friend's relationship. There is no cheating in our relationship.

 

And thus, you feel it's alright to just let this pass or make out with her bf? Hers isn't an open relationship right? Anyway, you're right about one thing though, she might not believe you if you're the one to tell her that. However, that isn't an excuse to just pretend this never happened. Were you thinking about your friend when you were making out with him? You said it might have gone further if he didn't stop. That is a really low blow to your friend.

[tami-chan]

And thus, you feel it's alright to just let this pass or make out with her bf?

 

Actually, no, I do not think that's not how she "feels". As a matter of fact that is the reason why she is here because she is having issues about it. Have you not read her original post?

 

However, that isn't an excuse to just pretend this never happened.

 

Well, not 'pretend' but "move on"... and make sure she has learned her lesson and hope her friend's fiance also have...if not, well, really that is on HIM.

 

Were you thinking about your friend when you were making out with him?

 

I do not understand what is the purpose of this question. Whether she thought of her or not is immaterial right now. The aftermath is this: She knows she was wrong and owns it, struggles with it, feels guilty about it...

 

And for those who say..."you must not have been drunk to remember"...well, people do not really do not have to be THAT drunk to do stupid things when alcohol fueled, you know. I never drink anything with alcohol when I am not with someone I absolutely trust with my life-why? because I know I get very "courageous" and I do/say things that I MIGHT regret later. I have never done or said anything embarrassing yet, still I have said and done things that I normally wouldn't have done/said had I not have anything alcoholic to drink. Having realized that, I now know I cannot drink unless I am in the company of a person or people I absolutely trust. Let this be her "teaching moment".

 

You said it might have gone further if he didn't stop. That is a really low blow to your friend.

 

Why do you think her friend's fiance stopped?

[lkjh]

Huh? I'm not the engaged girl, my friend is.

 

I know you are not engaged, I was creating a hypothetical with the scenario you presented about "not wanting to know"

[FabulousPrincess]

I had an understanding this forum meant it's for everyone to write down their problems and concerns (without getting flamed or getting bias replies) but I was wrong. I'll solve this on my own and no I don't be telling my friend this incident as most of you have been practically lecturing as if it was a court or something. This isn't worth destroying a friendship nor sabotaging their relationship. I know her fiance is regretting this too as he's the one that stopped things before going further. Even when I was going after him, he just pushed me aside and left me alone. That part of the reason I feel more guiltier than her fiance. As another poster stated before, at least he had the fiber to put a halt to it while I didn't. I completely lost control so in a way I thank him it didn't proceeded.

Actually, no, I do not think that's not how she "feels". As a matter of fact that is the reason why she is here because she is having issues about it. Have you not read her original post?

This was my point but many didn't understand this for whatever reason. What I have is called a hidden guilt because I'm feeling rotten on the inside. However, I know this will be my burden to hold within me. I think this is worst than placing a burden to both my friend and their relationship. Why should I give it to others than I'm the one guilty about it? I see no point.

I do not understand what is the purpose of this question. Whether she thought of her or not is immaterial right now. The aftermath is this: She knows she was wrong and owns it, struggles with it, feels guilty about it...

I don't understand it either. That's like lecturing over spilled milk. You spilled some milk and someone comes telling you how you should have been careful and asking why didn't you have common sense, etc. There is no point because it's already done. I can't go back in time and rewind the clock. Even if I wanted to, I can't.

And for those who say..."you must not have been drunk to remember"...well, people do not really do not have to be THAT drunk to do stupid things when alcohol fueled, you know. I never drink anything with alcohol when I am not with someone I absolutely trust with my life-why? because I know I get very "courageous" and I do/say things that I MIGHT regret later. I have never done or said anything embarrassing yet, still I have said and done things that I normally wouldn't have done/said had I not have anything alcoholic to drink. Having realized that, I now know I cannot drink unless I am in the company of a person or people I absolutely trust. Let this be her "teaching moment".

You got the point and I'm not an amateur when it comes to drinking. I had tried all types of liquors before but never in a million years would I thought this was going to happen. I underestimated the effects alcohol can have on you while overestimating the tolerance my body has towards it. Never again will I make that misjudgment.

Why do you think her friend's fiance stopped?

He knows it was wrong afterwards in that moment. If he's been trying his best being the almost perfect future husband why should I ruin it?

 

I'll be leaving sometime today though so if I don't reply it means I'm not coming back.

[FabulousPrincess]

I know you are not engaged, I was creating a hypothetical with the scenario you presented about "not wanting to know"

Oh ok I get it now. The reason I wouldn't have to know is because if it's bad enough the other person feels rotten about it, why place the burden on them? Edited October 9, 2010 by FabulousPrincess

[hellhathnofury]

Because you're still looking at it from your own defensive PoV.

 

You wouldn't want to be told (of course not... you're different....) and goodness knows you're suffering enough....

Trouble is... look at your statement....

 

if it's bad enough the other person feels rotten about it, why place the burden on them?

 

You're making this statement from the standpoint of someone knowing you're suffering pangs of guilt.

in other words, if you were the cheated girlfriend, and you knew your best friend was suffering because of this, you'd understand that she's suffering enough.

 

Funny.... the more we tell you to do the honourable thing, and be honest, the more you're resisting.

 

Couple more pages you're gonna convince yourself she doesn't deserve him, she's obviously not flicking his switches enough, and you give the marriage 6 months....

[lkjh]

I will say another thing, the man reason you feel like you are getting flamed is because instead of listening to the advice you just try to defend your position.

[lkjh]

Also think how guilty you will feel if you are in their wedding and have to stay friends with them for life. Imagine being there when they have kids, anniversaries, and so on