on a learning curve Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 Hello all: I have been reading this forum for a couple of weeks now, and it has inspired me to end my 13 month A with my MM. Not saying I am completely out of the woods, as I am tangled up in the emotions, and the desire to hang on to something that has provided so much pleasure. I have read through many of the stories here, and so much has resonated with me. I have been overwhelmed by the insight and the honesty here, and felt the need to disclose the fact that I have been reading your stories. This has been a blessing for me, and I appreciate it.
TigerCub Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 Hey OALC, Welcome to LS I'm glad that the stories you've read are helping you with your decision to get out of your A. I'm sure you've seen in so many posts about how it is difficult to get out of the mess, but once you start to distance yourself, you start to see things with your eyes/mind rather than your heart and emotions. You start to see these MMs for what they really are. I'm not gonna lie to you, it is hard to leave. In my case, its been about a month since my fight with MM, its been a month since we talked, and I still think of him everyday, but I see so much clearly now. Although it hurts, I know for a fact that I'm doing the right thing. I hope you find the strength to do what's best for you. Keep us posted
Author on a learning curve Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 Thank you for the welcomes. And again, I am so happy to have found this site. I have really benefitted from reading the stories posted here. Yes, TigerCub I do realize how difficult it is to leave these types of relationships, and I see myself in most of the stories here, and can relate to the pain and intense emotions of the posters. This affair, as all A's, has been a rollercoaster of emotions - nothing like I have ever experienced before. I should begin by offering a bit in the way of background to my story. I am in my mid-thirties, and separated for 18 months from my husband of 7 years. Since reflecting on my A, I have come to realize that I have a pattern of attaching myself to emotionally unavailable men (an issue I intend to explore in IC). I suppose my A began a little differently than many of the posters here. I was well aware that my MM was married, and I was also certain of the fact that he had no intention of leaving his W. We met through an online service. He answered an ad I had placed there. At the time I was very lonely, dealing with the failure of my marriage, and simply needing attention from a man (looking back on this, I realize it was the worst thing I could have done, however, at the time, I believed I needed it). I stupidly entered into this A thinking that I could manage any emotions that might result from a "FWB" type of situation. Afterall, I wasn't looking for a relationship really, just someone to make me feel desirable and wanted again. The fact that he was married presented a conflict of course, but I reconciled that with, "well, if not with me, he will likely have an A anyway" (ridiculous, I know). We met, and I was instantly attracted to this man, and him to me. I will avoid posting the sorrid details of our 13 month affair, and skip to the present day as I sit here and try to figure out how the heck I let this happen. Needless to say, "I love you's" were exchanged. In fact, he has told me on several occasions that he is "in love" with me. We communicated on a daily basis, and saw each other approximately 3 times a week. I began to feel consumed by the A. I couldn't concentrate on anything. He occupied my thoughts completely. I stopped going out with friends and doing the things I normally enjoyed for fear of missing a phone call, or not being online when he wanted to chat. However, I was more than happy to do this because I thought it signified how much he really loved me. Today, I realize it was nohing more than effort on his part to keep me frozen in the A. All that communication left little time for reflection on what I was involved in. In an effort to keep this short for the time being, I will just say that I have made attempts to initiated NC as of 2 days ago. Of course, I am well aware of how difficult this process is, so I am not claiming any real victory here. I have removed him from many of the sources of our communication, however, I have been unable (emotionally) to block him from emailing me. He has not taken this well, and has been emailing me to apologize, to rationalize, to tell me how much he loves me...etc. Every email is designed to provoke a response of course. The latest email suggested we at the very least "remain friends". So, although I am not completey NC yet, I can feel myself getting stronger and I know I will be able to get through this. I'd like to hang around here and benefit from the amazing advice I have read these past couple weeks, and hope that I will someday, be able to offer the same.
jessie's girl Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 Like you I am in the midst of ending things. I have realized the "I LOVE YOU"S" do not mean anything unless he backs those words up with actions. The action I want is for him to be with me, since that is what he says he wants. I will not let him continue to have this hold on me Why oh why did I ever let myself get involved with him. I am so frustrated with myself and my lack of ability to control myself with him.
Star_Bright Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 Like you I am in the midst of ending things. I have realized the "I LOVE YOU"S" do not mean anything unless he backs those words up with actions. The action I want is for him to be with me, since that is what he says he wants. I will not let him continue to have this hold on me Why oh why did I ever let myself get involved with him. I am so frustrated with myself and my lack of ability to control myself with him. I feel the same way. I think that realizing this is the first step, and you can start ending it from there. Good for you. And good for you on a learning curve. I also found this site really helpful in recognizing how things really are and deciding if I am okay with them that way. I'm not! So I'm glad to see we are all moving forward even though for me it has felt like one step forward, two steps back sometimes. Good luck girls.
Author on a learning curve Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 Like you I am in the midst of ending things. I have realized the "I LOVE YOU"S" do not mean anything unless he backs those words up with actions. The action I want is for him to be with me, since that is what he says he wants. I will not let him continue to have this hold on me Why oh why did I ever let myself get involved with him. I am so frustrated with myself and my lack of ability to control myself with him. I can relate to that feeling of MM having a hold on me. Absolutely! Even now, as I write this, I'm thinking "What is he doing? Is he thinking of me? Is he hurting like me? Does he miss me?" It's exhausting really, and futile. And, I fully appreciate the truth that the "I love you's" mean nothing if not backed up with actions. I think this is an extremely valuable realization, and one worth holding onto when you feel weak. It's really hard, I know - you are certainly not alone. Even though I have never presented my MM with an ultimatum, and therefore haven't dealt with any of the emotions/frustrations surrounding that, he still finds ways to keep me emotionally invested. I have heard it all. Things like: "You are the love of my life, I wish we would have met x number of years ago". "My W and I are just good roomates". Or, (and I love this one) "I don't regret anything I have done, but I regret that I am such a coward that I can't leave". All designed to disarm me, and keep me living in fantasy land. In the end, that's all it really is - a fantasy. I know it hurts to end it. I feel like I have lost my best friend (which is ridiculous), but I have been missing out on my "real" life for far too long. Be strong.
Author on a learning curve Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 Star Bright - I have been reading your story and your responses to others on this forum, and I must say, you sound like you are in a good place right now. Keep up the courage because I'm rooting for you!
lilbunny Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 Hi and welcome, Lots of us are where you are now or have been there. These are tough times, but when I have a good day it is really good (there are bad ones and yes they are bad, but I stopped having any good days during the A). I can only say from my experience everytime I have waivered on NC I have taken a huge step back. I feel like I have lost my best friend too and just typing that is making me cry, but I know I am doing the right thing. I hope things work out well for you. I am just starting out with IC and I hope that is going to help, but I can honestly say that coming here gives me a lot of strength and there are many wise words.
Author on a learning curve Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 Thank you, lilbunny. I am struck by how much I miss him - I really do feel as though I have lost my best friend. We communicated so often throughout the day that I would text him if something funny happened to me, or if I heard something that I thought would amuse him, or if I simply wanted to say hi. Things that friends do, I guess, but much more obsessive. So, I suppose I am feeling a bit lost right now, and I am so glad to have this forum to distract me. I am glad to hear that you are in IC, and I'm sure it will be helpful. I hold the same hopes for IC.
my story Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 I feel so related to what you said about "I have lost my best friend". I did the same thing on a daily basis with the xMM, it's just hard that all the sudden it's gone. I post here about 6 months ago when he ended it all the sudden. Of course I was too weak to listen to all the warnings here that he would be back and I needed to be ready. He was back and I allowed him back to my life. And I believed it when he said "I don't want anything extra...I just want you". Everything was fine for 6 months, then he got ridiculously busy and we hadn't talked for about a month. I thought I was trying to be considerated and let him focused, but felt something must be wrong when he didn't contact me after the project. He finally told me the classic "I don't think I will see you again. I want to do the right thing." Today is the 3rd day of NC and I have my up and down. Trying to pick up the piece of my broken heart and living the life as normal as I could, but it's so hard.
lilbunny Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 ((hugs)) to you both. My version of NC is no communication face to face, by phone, email etc, but I still have to see him nearly everyday. Strangely the days I don't see him are easier and a whole week apart makes a lot of difference. I have broken my rules a couple of times, the outcome has never made me feel any better. It is sort of like being starving hungry and having to look at the nicest thing you could ever eat in a glass case. Sadly everytime I have broken the glass, what was inside looked good, but left a very bitter taste. I would love to be able to have the friendship back, but right now it just isn't an option.
my story Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 I know what you meant. Friendship was all I wanted at the beginning, it's hard to let go something you thought was so wonderful. I work in the same Company with the xMM, but we don't really see each other, but it's still hard as we have internal instant messanger system, so I could see him there all the time. From my own experience, I know it's so tempting to break the NC or take him back, as at some point, you hurt so much that you just want to get rid of the pain right away even though deep down you know it would only get worse when it happens again next time, so I kept telling myself that's it, no more, I need to stay strong. Big hug to you, let's pray that we could live happily again, SOON.
Author on a learning curve Posted October 9, 2010 Author Posted October 9, 2010 I feel so related to what you said about "I have lost my best friend". I did the same thing on a daily basis with the xMM, it's just hard that all the sudden it's gone. I post here about 6 months ago when he ended it all the sudden. Of course I was too weak to listen to all the warnings here that he would be back and I needed to be ready. He was back and I allowed him back to my life. And I believed it when he said "I don't want anything extra...I just want you". Everything was fine for 6 months, then he got ridiculously busy and we hadn't talked for about a month. I thought I was trying to be considerated and let him focused, but felt something must be wrong when he didn't contact me after the project. He finally told me the classic "I don't think I will see you again. I want to do the right thing." Today is the 3rd day of NC and I have my up and down. Trying to pick up the piece of my broken heart and living the life as normal as I could, but it's so hard. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It must be so difficult to hear that (the bolded). I am also having my ups and downs as a result of NC. It has taken every bit of self control I have today, to resist answering his emails. Hugs to you - I can only hope it will get easier.
piscis Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 Like you I am in the midst of ending things. I have realized the "I LOVE YOU"S" do not mean anything unless he backs those words up with actions. The action I want is for him to be with me, since that is what he says he wants. I will not let him continue to have this hold on me Why oh why did I ever let myself get involved with him. I am so frustrated with myself and my lack of ability to control myself with him. Oh!! You couldn't have described my emotions better. I am holdin on hope you are too. My best wishes
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