Broke up 3 months ago with my girlfriend, I want her back.

[quasarkin]

I broke up with my girlfriend 3 months ago. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I mean it. I didn’t want to break up with her and in order to do it I had to be a jerk, a real douche. I just knew there was no other way I would have been able to set myself apart from her.

 

We were together for 8 months, but it felt like years, like we knew each other for a life time, we talked about everything, we were very close. We truly loved each other and we still do, at least I still love her like crazy and I think she feels the same.

 

She is one of the most loving and kind persons I’ve ever met, gentle, generous and in my view perfect. She has a lot of friends, the whole University knows her. No one can say anything bad about her. Was always there for me when I needed her and I tried to be there for her as much as I could.

 

We met at the University, during our first year; I was 19 and she 18. She is Arab, I’m European but for us that didn’t matter. Each day she had to be home around 5-6 pm. We used to skip all the courses we could and spend as much time together as possible. And we always used to have a lot of fun, never got bored of each other and couldn’t have enough, plus we always talked a lot on the phone. When it was time for her to go home I could barely wait to see her the next day.

 

Things were a little weird sometimes because we had to, I’m not sure if hide is the proper word, let’s say not be so obvious about our relationship, because the other Arabs and some people would start talking, which she didn’t like. It also presented another problem considering that her father might have found out, in which case it would have been very bad for her.

 

But all those things aside, we were very happy together.

 

First breakup:

We met in November. After 2 months, she decided we should split up because she felt she was missing out on a lot of things with me, like: we didn’t spend the holidays together, all the parties and occasions which she couldn’t attend together and so on. But after a couple of hours we decided that those things won’t be able to keep us apart and we got back together.

 

Second breakup:

After another 2 months or so, when we had a run in with a 3rd year Arab student, in which basically he made her feel like **** because of dating me and I’m not a Muslim and all that and almost called her a whore she decided to breakup for good this time. There wasn’t anything I could do because they were talking in Arab and she didn’t tell me what they talked about. There were also other important reasons like she would leave in 2-3 years when University is over and I will never see her again. A lot of stuff about how we weren’t going to work it out because of obvious reasons. But the second day she called me and we got back together, she hadn’t been able to break up with me and from then on we decided we’ll be more careful so that people won’t see us.

 

Then June came, it was time for finals and all that, the day of our last final was the day when I last saw her because we were entering our summer break and she didn’t have an excuse to leave the house. At first I said: it’s ok we’ll manage to survive this summer without seeing each other, although I knew it will be very hard.

We were talking on the phone all the time, missing each other very much, I kept waiting for her to be able to get out of the house at least once a week, but a month had passed and that didn’t happen. Other then the family time going out and stuff like that she wasn’t allowed to go out alone.

Then I started thinking. In the beginning I knew things would be different because she was Arab, but I thought they will change with time, I was wrong and I saw that especially when she wasn’t able to leave the house during the summer.

And then I thought about when she will have to leave in 2-3 years and that I will be devastated for life after such a long relationship and thought I was making the right choice in ending it sooner, because as I saw it we were just postponing the inevitable. I also took in consideration all the hiding we had to do from everyone.

So I started thinking how I could break up with her, nothing came to mind. Then one day when we were talking she started saying all the things she likes about be and stuff then she asked me to do the same. I failed that part on purpose and when she got mad and asked what’s wrong I told her she’s just weird and too spoiled and always super jealous.

She was spoiled but I liked that about her, and super jealous which I also liked because it showed how much she loved me.

Then I hang up on her. A couple of hours later she called, I gave jerk-ish answers and hang up again. Then after an hour I called her and apologized for everything and told her I didn’t mean it and that she is none of those things. She was hapy to hear that. Then I told her I want to break up. She didn’t believe me. I had to be brutally honest until she finally got the message. This went on for about two days and it all ended with a message from her, saying: “so I guess it’s over for good this time”, to which I replied “yea..”.

 

After a couple of days all of our friends had found out and they couldn’t believe it. Everyone saw us as the perfect couple. All the people she had talked to thought I was cheating on her, because there was no reason for our break up. BTW I didn’t cheat on her.

 

Then after another couple of days some friends told me she hooked up with a guy from University. I was a little jealous but didn’t want to care because after all I broke up with her. I didn’t know what to think about that guy. I just thought it was a rebound or whatever.

 

My friends kept telling me that she was always asking them about me, how I am and doing, obviously she still cared about me.

 

After about a month I think, at which point I deleted her number from my phone, don’t know why I did that, seeing as how I know it by heart even know, she called me. I was driving, running some errands and hang up on her. Only after I closed I realized it was her number, but it was too late. I was surprised that she was still thinking about me.

 

The summer break was almost over, 3 months had passed since our break up, I really thought I was over her. My best friend warned me that when I will see her again, when University starts, I won’t think like that anymore. I didn’t really care because I thought I really was over her.

 

Then the first day of University came. Almost everyone was in the class room, but she still wasn’t there. She was a couple of minutes late. When she entered the class room, was with her friends, didn’t even look at me, I was sitting in the third row, very hard to miss. And during that moment I forgot all the reasons we broke up, couldn’t think of anything other than how much I love her and want her back. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I wanted her back. She went to the back of the class and sat down. We didn’t talk the whole day.

I did notice this guy that was sitting next to her, but didn’t give it much importance. The second day I found out he was her rebound boyfriend, the one I was talking about earlier, when I saw them holding hands.

Second day we had a break, I was with a group of friends, she was with a group of friends, common friends. One of them called one of us asking if we’re going in the same place during the break, we said maybe, we’ll see. The people from my group had to leave and it was just me and this guy which said let’s not go with them because I think it will be awkward for you. I agreed.

Then the rest of the day we didn’t talk to each other, again.

 

When I got home in the evening, I re-added her on my messenger list. She accepted. We didn’t talk that night.

The next day, in the evening, when I logged on she was online. I said hi. She replied back.

I apologized for how I acted during the break up being a jerk and all. She replied with a straight face and asking me “who are you”, my behavior really surprised her I think.

Then she said it’s ok and that I don’t have to worry about it and asked me how I am.

I said I’m ok, glad that University started, she replied the same stuff.

Then she said “next time u see me say “hi”, ok?”, to which I replied “yea, u too “. She said “ofc I will”.

Then some awkward silence followed and she said sorry for the silence but she’s busy with a lot of people and also doesn’t know what to say. I told her I’m also busy.

Then I asked her how everything with her is, to which she replied “everything is fine actually I’m happy”, I told her that I am glad to hear that.

Then she said she had to log off, told her it was nice talking with her again and I logged off also.

 

This was actually a very big relief for me, because she wanted to talk to me, after our moments of passing by each other like total strangers I thought she wanted to have nothing to do with me.

 

Later I logged on as invisible and saw her following status: “By Love’s Order I Loved U …:*:”> ♥”.

Now I don’t know what to think, her status clearly refers to me, what should my next move be. I really don’t know what to do. What do you think about her status, it’s clear to me that if she didn’t want anything to do with me she wouldn’t have had that status.

What about the rebound guy, think he is just a threat? Or just the rebound guy. I think they know each other for 3 about months but don’t think they’re so close because I’m sure they didn’t see each other that much during the summer.

I don’t care about all the stuff that made me break up with her in the first place. I just want her back. Think I have a chance of getting her back? Should I just wait and see if she comes back to me. Somehow I doubt that, seeing as how I dumped her and didn’t want to talk with her afterwards. Maybe I should tell her how I feel, but from everything I read here I don’t think that’s a good idea.

 

Bottom line: I broke up with my girlfriend 3 months ago. After not even a week she met her rebound guy. We didn’t talk the whole summer. When I saw her again during the first day on University, I realized what a big mistake I had made. She didn’t even look at me, which made it obvious that she still has feelings for me, otherwise she wouldn’t try so hard to ignore me. She was with her rebound guy. We talked the second day on messenger and after a couple of hours her status was: “By Love’s Order I Loved U …:*:”> ♥”.

What do you think that means? Think I have any chance of winning her back? What about her rebound guy? I really don’t know what to do and if I should do the first move or not considering that I was the dumper.

 

I’m sorry for the wall of text; I tried to keep this as short as I could. Sorry if some things don’t make sense, it’s 3am as I am writing this, I will try and correct it tomorrow.

Edited October 8, 2010 by quasarkin

[Billie The Puppet]

Well you are the dumper, you have a slightly higher chance than dumpees in reconciling.

 

However I would caution you if you decide to act on e-signs such as social network statuses. I did and failed misserably but I was the dumpee acting on the dumpers statuses.

[quasarkin]

Yes i know e-signs can be tricky...

I won't do anything rash or without thinking a lot before i do.

 

After we had broke up, she told me all those reasons were irrelevant and that they weren't proper reasons for a break up and that her friends had told her the same thing. This was confusing seeing as how she talked about them in the previous "mini break up" and now deemed them irrelevant.

 

The new boyfriend isn't Arab. He just came in the picture because some friends introduced him, that's why it happened so fast.

I know it wasn't a very mature way, the way i did it, but I wasn't able to do it any other way, she would have changed my mind. The only way was to push her way, which i regret terribly now.

 

And about the all the reasons, there's a part I forgot to mention. Around the time of Easter they wanted her to have one of those fixed marriages of theirs. She didn't want to. She got punished. After a while she apologized to her parents and explained that the guy had a girlfriend and she didn't want to come between them, her mother understood and things started to cool off a bit.

During this time when she was not talking with them she told me she wants to leave them and run to another country after she finishes University. So i thought there is some hope after all.

Then after some time she wasn't sure she still wanted to do that, after talking with some friends which told her other had tried and failed and that it was very hard she kind of gave up on the idea.

I didn't say anything, i didn't want to make her choose between me and her family, maybe i should have said something, i don't know...

[fleur_de_me]

Wow- this is certainly complicated, but I can somewhat understand your situation. My ex wasn't Arab, but he came from a different culture where they do arranged marriages and everything, and although he and his friends were really accepting of me, I think there was always an element of if there will be some backlash that he's with a "white girl."

 

Anyway- if you ask me, in your situation, I would do whatever I would to try to win this girl back, because if she gets married off to someone else or goes far away and you don't ever get your chance again, you'll want to kill yourself. It sounds like something like that could happen sooner rather than later, too, so there's not that much time to waste.

 

She's playing it cool- she's probably been really hurt and confused, and feeling torn between her feelings for you and her obligations to her family, and worried about what other people think, etc, etc. Not an easy place for her to be- she probably couldn't even talk to anyone about what happened when you guys broke up, or at least, not that many people.

 

I don't know what her deal is with this other dude, but you're the one that broke up with her- so you don't need to play cool. She's going to assume you being "cool" is you not caring at all about her anymore and just wanting to be her friend.

 

You're going to have to apologize, but not just with words, but by showing her you know you made a mistake. Take her out, tell her how you feel, make grand gestures at this point. Honestly, you have nothing to lose, this girl is going to disappear quickly.

 

Good luck! I do think it is possible to make things work through cultural/religious differences, but it takes work and willingness to compromise on both sides. She's a gamble, but I think if you feel the way you say you do- she's worth giving it everything you've got. If it doesn't work out, you'll have no regrets. But don't play games with this chick, I don't think you have the luxury of time or circumstance on your side for that.

[quasarkin]

Wow- this is certainly complicated, but I can somewhat understand your situation. My ex wasn't Arab, but he came from a different culture where they do arranged marriages and everything, and although he and his friends were really accepting of me, I think there was always an element of if there will be some backlash that he's with a "white girl."

 

Anyway- if you ask me, in your situation, I would do whatever I would to try to win this girl back, because if she gets married off to someone else or goes far away and you don't ever get your chance again, you'll want to kill yourself. It sounds like something like that could happen sooner rather than later, too, so there's not that much time to waste.

 

She's playing it cool- she's probably been really hurt and confused, and feeling torn between her feelings for you and her obligations to her family, and worried about what other people think, etc, etc. Not an easy place for her to be- she probably couldn't even talk to anyone about what happened when you guys broke up, or at least, not that many people.

 

I don't know what her deal is with this other dude, but you're the one that broke up with her- so you don't need to play cool. She's going to assume you being "cool" is you not caring at all about her anymore and just wanting to be her friend.

 

You're going to have to apologize, but not just with words, but by showing her you know you made a mistake. Take her out, tell her how you feel, make grand gestures at this point. Honestly, you have nothing to lose, this girl is going to disappear quickly.

 

Good luck! I do think it is possible to make things work through cultural/religious differences, but it takes work and willingness to compromise on both sides. She's a gamble, but I think if you feel the way you say you do- she's worth giving it everything you've got. If it doesn't work out, you'll have no regrets. But don't play games with this chick, I don't think you have the luxury of time or circumstance on your side for that.

 

That's exactly how my situation is.

I've been tempted lots of times to go and talk with her, but I guess I’m afraid of rejection or I don’t know, I just can’t seem to be able to pull myself together and just do it.

 

I guess I should stop playing it cool.

But it’s just that it’s been so hard to talk to her. I never get a chance to catch her alone; she is always with someone, most of the times with her rebound boyfriend. I really don’t get what’s the whole deal with that guy.

 

And recently I’ve found out I have some things in common with that guy, I don’t know if this is a good or a bad thing. Usually rebound guys are totally the opposite. And if they didn't see that much during the whole summer, 3 months, do you think that there could actually be something serious between them?

 

And all that other stuff. The ignoring in the first days, I guess if she didn’t still care she wouldn’t try so hard to act like she didn’t see me. And her status, if she didn’t care she wouldn’t have it even after two days.

I’m totally confused, I have no idea what to do.

 

And lately I've been feeling like crap. I can't eat or sleep or do anything. She is always on my mind...

This sucks so much...

Edited October 10, 2010 by quasarkin

[fleur_de_me]

That's exactly how my situation is.

I've been tempted lots of times to go and talk with her, but I guess I’m afraid of rejection or I don’t know, I just can’t seem to be able to pull myself together and just do it.

 

I guess I should stop playing it cool.

But it’s just that it’s been so hard to talk to her. I never get a chance to catch her alone; she is always with someone, most of the times with her rebound boyfriend. I really don’t get what’s the whole deal with that guy.

 

And recently I’ve found out I have some things in common with that guy, I don’t know if this is a good or a bad thing. Usually rebound guys are totally the opposite. And if they didn't see that much during the whole summer, 3 months, do you think that there could actually be something serious between them?

 

And all that other stuff. The ignoring in the first days, I guess if she didn’t still care she wouldn’t try so hard to act like she didn’t see me. And her status, if she didn’t care she wouldn’t have it even after two days.

I’m totally confused, I have no idea what to do.

 

And lately I've been feeling like crap. I can't eat or sleep or do anything. She is always on my mind...

This sucks so much...

 

You're in the position of being the person who broke it off- it is up to you to open up first. You're going to continue to feel like crap unless you do something about it- try to get her to meet up with you alone. You can make it chill by just doing something casual- meeting up for coffee/tea or lunch, or somewhere on campus maybe where you can be alone to talk. Be casual, but use that time to tell her how you feel, tell her that you miss her and that you made a mistake. Own up to your mistake, because I'm sure it felt HORRIBLE to be her, to be the one broken up with because of things she can't change (her family, beliefs, etc, etc). When you're with someone who cares about you for who you are, they don't ask you to change those things for them- so I'm sure it felt bad for her to feel like she was losing you because of things that are also important. No one wants to choose between family and a guy they care about.

 

Tell her you understand how things are- that it was hard for you at first, but now you realize that you care enough about her that you're willing to accept those things. Tell her you are sorry for hurting her, that you were hurt by the break-up too, and that you would do anything to make things better between the two of you. Seriously, put your heart out there, if not, you probably don't have a chance.

 

I'm sure this girl has enough respect for herself and pride that she's not going to come crawling back to you, the person who broke-up with her, if you don't come crawling first.

 

You obviously think this girl is special, so do something about it. She's in an impossible position, you're not!

 

Hope it works!!!!

[quasarkin]

I've decided to finally do something about it.

I've been a little busy the last few days but that is no excuse. I am going to text her, asking if she wants to meet tomorrow:

 

"Hi. I was wondering if you would like to meet tomorrow.I want to talk about us.

There are still some things that i have to say to you and i would like to do it face to face."

 

Do you think that sounds ok? I'm acting like an idiot lately questioning every decision i make, can't even seem to be able to write a stupid text...

I know this could totally backfire because of her current BF or any number of reasons, but I don't know what else I could do.

 

Please advise me.