why do women get fat after marriage

[Arabess]

I have no idea why someone saying they aren't sexually attracted to someone who has an ass the size of Texas as being 'shallow'.

 

Different people have different preferences.

[A Thought]

I think that the focus should be on remaining healthy together in a relationship vs. slim together. This means eating right and appropriate exercising.

 

That said,

 

Marriage often creates a change in your lifestyle---

Priorities change because you now have someone (or several someones) to look after as well as yourself.

Time- many married women work in today's society. That cuts into exercise time if they have children and a home to keep up. Even if the husband helps there is so much to do!

Age- --that's already been addressed.

Birth Control- for many women this can add weight that is difficult to shed.

Body types- not every woman has the same body build. Thus weight packs on differently and can be easier or harder to shed depending on that.

 

Take into account that muscle weighs more than fat. I weigh more now than when I got married, but I also have much more muscle vs. fat. So are you saying that my husband should drop me based on a number? Even though physically I still look fine and am healthy, but the number on the scale says that I've gone up a few.

 

If the answer is no, then what do we base that on? You shouldn't get past a specific dress size? A certain measurement? But, as someone else pointed out there are larger boned and smaller boned women, just as there are men. So then what?

 

What is your idea of adequate size? and how do you adjust it for the differences in our unique bodies? How do you equate curves into the equation, because some women have them and others do not?

 

What about illnesses? I have known a few women and men, who after an illness had to go on specific medications that increase weight gain. And if they are able to go off of the meds, that weight is difficult to shed.

 

 

I guess, it just worries me that you seem to have a definition of slender that "women" and "men" should live up to....versus, emphasizing a healthy approach to eating and living life whether you have a few extra pounds or not. Therefore, perpetuating the American ideal of skinny people.

 

Just some thoughts~

AT

[moimeme]

Exactly how many women are willing to admit to making mistakes?

 

Quite a few more than men, I'm guessing

[slimjim]

Hey, just checking back in to see if the nest is still swarming. Thanks for the toughtful answer karlis. I know you must have great patience in your profession to deal with so many people with the lack of discipline and will power to get off the all-american drug---food. Arabess gets it - i am talking about people with an ass the size of texas. I have handled divorces and see a lot of these cases in courts with all sorts of people, body shapes, etc. and just wonder if they were like that when they married, and what part of their relationship demise was caused by this change.

 

People just want to look in a circus mirror until the reflection suits what they want to be , instead of looking inward to confront the real problems. People who have been married 5 years, had kids with no plan and dug a huge financial hole for themselves, figuring it will all be OK. Then they fight over who gets the dog and the kitchen table, and guess who winds up with the most assets??? THE LAWYERS!!!! If you dont plan for the worse and hope for the best when you marry ( ie., have all this worked out beforehand with a prenup as to asset distribution and kids), then the minute you hire a lawyer you lose. One side just might not lose as much.

 

As far as you go, Hokeyreligious, I'm not talking about super model figures when you hit 60. I'm not talking about sickness or meds, or other involuntary circumstances. I"m talking VOLUNTARY Obesity. I'm talking someone who gets a committment and then quits. And to others, i'm not talking about within a half pound weight range - just the standard height/ weight charts will suffice for a comparison. There is plenty of normal leeway there. If you like fat women---god bless you and throw her another ham on me ( that was specifically tailored to you, Befuddled) I'm taking about the drastic change that you see so much of, in our super-size it country.

 

When you marry someone at 26 who is 110, and when they are 36 they weigh 200, without kids!! Or when your husband has a fairly flat gut and now he looks like a pregnant elephant. Is that in the deal?? SEE how upset the women get when you discuss weight?? So again, in all this honesty that people seek in a relationship, how does one broach this subject???

 

One poster wrote that a guy didnt want to marry someone until she lost weight. ( and then forks were chewed!!!haha) Seems shallow to most---maybe it was an attempt to see if she really cared about him and his feelings. You know, when you go to the supermarket, all those women's magazines that pressure women are written by women. You are gutting yourselves by buying them. Everybody wants it both ways---I AM WOMAN--HEAR ME ROAR--BUT PLEASE HOLD THE FRIGGING DOOR!!!!!! haha

[brashgal]

I'm scratching my head trying to decide why you are so angry about this, slimjim. Doesn't this keep you in business handling divorces? If you don't like it and don't want to see this happen to couple after couple there are plenty of other types of law to practice.

[slimjim]

to brashgal, the reason one has to figure out root causes to this problem is because the legal profession is trying to institute more mediation in this area, rather than litigation. In mediation, where you try to negotiate with both sides to reach an amicable result, knowing the depth of the problem can be a real asset.

 

Everything isnt just about money, and the old saying in law is, if you dont like the murder and mayhem then dont go into corporate law. You must have a narrow view of things--- I hope you are not a cancer dr. - just keep cutting it out and making the money and never try to find out what is causing it or how to combat it. Just keep putting the dead bodiies in a body bag and collecting the fee. This type of stuff is much harder to heal, and people in the legal profession often find themselves reaching into people's souls, where the rot and corrosion can be much more devasting than physical problems. have to go---took a break to check in----see you next week.. later

[moimeme]

I would hope a genine attempt at uncovering the causes for divorce would use research on marital issues from acknowedged resources rather than posting inflammatory questions on internet forums. The idea that people use 'bait and switch' when they marry or that they 'just quit trying' are cliché and overly simplistic.

 

Life is more complex than that and relationships are certainly more complex than that.

[slimjim]

yea , i hear you ---guess i wouldnt go to a forum that discusses all aspects of relationships and use a little brashness to get things going. look at the hits in this short time. guess i needed to go to a podiatrist site or something. You people are who we are dealing with -- the so- called relationship professionals just go by what they read and are taught- the problem with a lot of "educated " people is that once they have the diploma there minds dont expand and question. Freud said it, so thats enough. You have to sample the grass roots, the people who deal with and regularly read about and address these issues. Who better than someone like you who hangs around on this site and responds often??? God, if you can get so antagonized over something on a typed page, you are overly sensitive about something. Go to court when you're not doing anything--- watch a good cross to an unlikable witness and see what real butt chewing is all about --- and the lawyers get it from the judge too!!!! The old newspaper headline trick -- give them something to respond to.....thanks for the response. AND I'M OUTTA HERE....but you are so much fun.....

[moimeme]

the problem with a lot of "educated " people is that once they have the diploma there minds dont expand and question

 

Sorry to disappoint you, but a lot of people on this site are 'educated'. The people who have been researching relationships also deal with the grass roots, the people who deal with and regularly read about and address these issues .

 

I'd suggest you have a look at <address removed> They have a very active forum about marriage breakdown. Last I was there, which was, admittedly, quite a while ago, the big issue is not fat wives but infidelity. Even svelte beautiful women and lithe, toned men get cheated on.

[brashgal]

My question about switching types of law to practice was not only about money, you are obviously very agitated about this subject - to the point that it seems unhealthy. You aren't going to be persuading many people that weight gain is a major issue until you let go of the anger.

[jester]

I'm not convinced that our elitist slimjim (a) is a lawyer and (b) actually cares about any of the responses to his inflammatory posts.

 

I believe old slimjim scours the net looking for relationship messageboard sites and then bombs these sites with a deliberately provocative language.

 

The inevitable uproar that ensues adds to an inflated, if not false, sense of superiority. We're all puppets dancing on his arrogant thread strings.

 

Slimjimmy is a thread bomber, and his goal is to provoke, not enlighten, and especially not learn from anyone about anything.

 

I know in my gut that he's not a lawyer or law student. My best guess is that he's a paralegal or works in the mail room of a law firm.

 

Am I right, slimmy?

[A Thought]

The other slight problem slimjim, is you are assuming that many of us are inflamed by your remarks.

When, in fact, quite a few people merely responded to your question. I was one of them, and also had some questions in return, which have yet to be answered.

 

It must hurt to be so angry and cynical.

 

Good luck as you look for answers to your questions that agree with your overall mindset.

~AT

[A Thought]

Good points Jester! I was beginning to wonder the same.

[carla]

My opion from experience: When someone is single what's the point in cooking a meal for 1, soup and sandwich will sacfice. You tend to have more time for extra cirricular activites without tring to make schdules match with someone else. You tend to be more physically active. You have more time to take care of yourself to attrack the opposite sex.

 

Once married or in a relationship meals are cooked exspecially where there are children. Schedules conflict therefore alot of junky fast food and quick microwave meals tend to be a conveniance to families on the move. Working, taking care of the home and taking kids to ball practise and music lessons etc leaves little time for moms or dads for themselves. When they do have a little time to themselves I would think that they are to exausted to take a 5 mile run. It's more like lets crash on the couch.

[reader]

Moimeme, Just cruising thru and was reading this "interesting" if not antagonistic debate. Also went to the website you suggested.

 

Maybe you should go and read the article there " Meeting the Emotional Need For Physical Attractiveness" . This is written by a professional marriage counselor, and he uses the same "Cliches" that you accused whoever of using.

 

And it seems he got the same grief from a woman who read his column, specifically the weight thing that he addressed. Seems like there are a lot of chips on shoulders here - address the issue and not the messenger. It doesnt sound too good when people looking at the same website forum call others who are using it "Losers" by having nothing else to do----what are you doing??? just my opinion.

[moimeme]

I'm sorry Reader, but I suggest you reread those articles. Dr. Harley makes it crystal clear that physical attractiveness is NOT everyone's emotional need but it gains importance when it is someone's emotional need. This was his reply to the women who complained, as well. I also saw none of the clichés that I was talking about. I have read that site before and knew that but double-checked.

[Canoodled]

Being disappointed about a woman turning into a 'cherub' once married is like being with a guy who refuses to have sex with u until ur married (okay so that may neva happen!). But my point is, u marry the guy and find he's got the shortest penis eva! So that can be just as disappointing to a female as a male who's wife has put on the 'kilos of contentment'. But SlimJim, would u want a woman who'd marry u for the size of ur little penis or someone who wants u for ur happy, jolly heart?

 

True, is good to look after yourself for your SO, but still, a little more heart than pettiness is what love and constancy is truly all about.

[jenny]

slimjim, your points are thoughtful and well-considered. it's clear you have put a great deal of research into your speculations. it's quite easy to recognize an innovative scholar by the vigour of his or her generalizations, and, you, my friend, are onto something great here. i have a number of questions for you:

 

has this happened to you personally? did you or your loved one balloon up ridiculously, or has this happen to a friend of yours? please give specific examples of anecdotal evidence from your own life, and be sure to use your stylistic flair to make the examples come alive for us.

 

how did you come by your wisdom, and are you actually the 'wise man' in your parable?

 

 

 

 

 

 

[color=white] p.s. i'm hungry under this bridge! c'mon collective babies, let's have some fun

[/color]

[jester]

I read you're extremely well considered response, A Thought, and that's what provoked me. You obviously gave the issue , along with, among others, Reckless, serious thought, and your fine post was was wasted on this guy.

 

That, my friend, pissed me off.

 

This is not a monologue.

[BlockHead]

jester

I'm not convinced that our elitist slimjim (a) is a lawyer and (b) actually cares about any of the responses to his inflammatory posts.

Maybe he believes that vanity is an ugly truth, and he wants to see if we will agree or disagree. Maybe he wants us to fess up.

 

I don’t believe in political correctness, and I don’t think slimjim believes in it either.

 

http://frogsandprinces.dawntreader.net/appendixa.html

Read “Courtroom” and “Uproar”

How could the two be used to describe this situation?

 

If this is a game, slimjim is one of many players.

 

jenny

Check post #6

 

Unfortunately, not many people have the time, energy, or money to study everything in life.

[cdn]

Ok, I'll 'fess up. I am a woman and I have often wondered the same thing Slimjim has, although I probably wouldn't have posted a thread on it. I routinely see married couples where he is relatively in shape while she is definitely overweight. And I don't think it can all be blamed on children -- I've had 3 and getting back into shape isn't such a monumental task. I think there are several causes at work. One is that many men are lousy of judges of what a woman in going to look like over time. Realistically, if she is pleasantly plump at 25, odds are that she's going to be fat at 35. Another is that some women simply aren't motivated to lose pregnancy weight and/or have gotten into the habit of induling in less healthy food choices and don't want to give that up. A third is that some feel that there is no need. These are the ones who are overweight during marriage, slim once divorced, and then overweight again in the next marriage.

 

Much of this applies to men, too. Clearly, if 65% of the US population is overweight, there have to be significant numbers of men who also let themselves go.

 

What I find most interesting is that while people generally will be negative about a spouse who takes up smoking or who drinks too much, they are much less likely to be negative about overweight, even though its negative health effects are just as great. Go figure.

[reader]

Everyone needs to read the marriage builder website, specifically the emotional needs part where this counselor feels its ok for men and women to have a need for physical attractiveness. He addresses this and has a book out, and takes a lot of flak about even mentioning this issue as an emotional need.

 

Cruise around in those letters, and this counselor says in one passage that one of the biggest complaints from men is weight gain by their wives. I know that not EVERYONE, moimeme, has this need, but it has a stigma that is not addressed because its been engrained into our psyche as being shallow. This need may be so deeply hidden that it is much more prevalent than we think. Something is happening here it seems--- the dietition saying that 1/3 of us are overweight and close to obesity, and the divorce rate is higher. This cannot be a direct cause and effect, maybe its just a larger part of the complexity.

 

Perhaps this thread has exposed to the light something that is deeper than we figured into why relationships fail to meet these emotional needs. Perhaps both sides need to contemplate this in the early stages of a relationship as a possible need of a spouse, even if unspoken. Is this change in appearance from the original package the symptom of unhappiness and unfulfillment, or the cause of it? Or is it that a goal (commitment) has been reached, and this previous chore of appearance can now be subservient to other desires that one has in life? Just pondering........

[moimeme]

I don't think it has to do with relationships or refusing to meet needs. I think it is just that people don't have lots of willpower when it comes to food. Most people marry while their metabolisms are still fairly high and age (and end up with slower metabolisms) while they are married. Plus, they have too much to do and not enough time to devote to exercise, eating well, etc.

 

I'm wondering if slim and you are or have ever been married. I'm wondering if you know how busy your life can get without you really realizing it's being taken over by stuff. It is just too facile to say that people can easily lose weight for emotional needs' sake or anything else. If it were that easy, people would be doing it in droves. And, of course, there are an awful lot of fat singles out there, too.

[jester]

Something is happening here it seems

 

Yes, something is happening, here. The loss of attractiveness , the growth of physical repulsion, is a serious problem in more than a few middle aged marriages. No one wants to confess that he or she no longer finds his or her spouse physically enticing, let alone loathsome. But it happens. It happens more than many care to admit.

 

And when it happens, what is to be done? I can't imagine counselling or spousal edicts succeeding in forcing a repelled spouse to embrace manifold folds of flesh. Physical attraction cannot be tutored, taught or exhorted. The eye cannot be seduced in finding a physical beauty that no longer exists.

 

I'm not talking about the normal incidents of aging. That is to be expected. I'm referring to a spouse who, by sheer inertia and overeating, blows-out her figure-- the voluntarily obese (VO) spouse.

 

When this happens, and the VO spouse does nothing to rectify his or her condition, what's an injured spouse to do? I take the position that lovers , when they marry, enter into a covenant of good faith and fair dealing--one of which is that each person will do his or her utmost to avoid obesity or any voluntary, material deterioration in physical appearance. I do not mean loss of appearance from aging, illness or accident. I mean a voluntary descent into obesity or manifest physical unattractiveness--one radically different from that spouse's normal appearance during courtship and marriage.

 

When that occurs, and the VO spouse makes no good faith efforts to improve his or her appearance, the innocent/injured spouse's spousal obligations are discharged and he or she may elect a range of remedies: an affair, divorce, no intimacy, separation, masturbation in place of sexual intercourse, porn, etc. The innocent spouse should be candid with the VO spouse and give her 12-16 weeks notice of his or her election of any of these remedies in order to give the VO spouse an opportunity to cure. If there's no material improvement, the innocent/injured spouse's sexual and/or emotional obligations to the VO spouse are discharged.

 

Love is not blind. And all the political correctness in the universe will never make it so.

[Arabess]

Originally posted by moimeme

I Most people marry while their metabolisms are still fairly high and age (and end up with slower metabolisms) while they are married.

 

Maybe THAT's why they quit having sex!!!!

 

I figure if Anna Nicole...or whatever the hell her name is.....can do it....so can anyone else. HAHA! She is QUITE the cartoon....but is looking GOOD!