Question for the unfaithful spouse

[pollyanna22]

Not sure if this is the right Forum, but I have a question for the cheaters themselves, esp men, not sure if there are any on here. I want to know how long you thought about the ow, even though you stayed in your marriage. Did you tell your wife there was NC and there really was? just curious! am I deluding myself that My H ended all contact right away?

[ladydesigner]

Not sure if this is the right Forum, but I have a question for the cheaters themselves, esp men, not sure if there are any on here. I want to know how long you thought about the ow, even though you stayed in your marriage. Did you tell your wife there was NC and there really was? just curious! am I deluding myself that My H ended all contact right away?

 

My XOM ended with me but stayed in contact with me for a full year after the A ended. I still thought of him everyday that I was still married during that time. It wasn't until I decided to go NC that I finally was able to move on and start to mend my M. My background is that my H had numerous a's before I had my revenge a.

[Owl]

My wife tried to claim that NC was happening for about a month. We had weekly MC sessions, and every week she's resume contact with OM to talk with him about the MC session...and then pick a fight the day of the next session, and go into the session trying to claim that NC was in place.

 

Of course I called her on it...there was no way that she could maintain contact at this point without my knowledge in some fashion.

 

Finally, after about a month they got into it, and they did go NC for about 3 weeks. Then, it slipped...I caught it, but waited 3 days because I wanted to see if my wife would be honest with me about it. She wasn't, I confronted her about it, and made it clear that I was DONE with trying to trust her if she wouldn't be trustworthy.

 

She could tell I was quite serious. That was indeed their last contact, over six years ago now.

 

Odds are that the WS and AP will maintain contact unless NC is VERIFIED and ENFORCED by the BS.

 

That's been my experience as well as what I've seen in my time here.

[Hard2Think]

I had an affair that lasted almost a year. It ended pretty badly on DDay and I never had contact withe her since.

 

I do know that my wife had alot of trouble believing there really was no contact at all, but there really wasn't any and hasn't been any since.

 

So I'm thinking you're always right to be on guard, but he may well be in NC mode like he says.

[What_Next]

Well I wasn't the cheater, I am the BS, but I can say that in a large percentage of cases the contact will continue even though there will be claims of NC. About the only way that you could really be sure is if you somehow could control every aspect of your spouses communication, which isn't a life at all.

 

In my case my EX continued the communication after D-day, she even had a hidden email address to communicate with him. It was all a pack of lies.

 

From my chair, DO NOT BELIEVE a single word they say unless you have verifiable proof.

[TigerCub]

I had an affair that lasted almost a year. It ended pretty badly on DDay and I never had contact withe her since.

 

I do know that my wife had alot of trouble believing there really was no contact at all, but there really wasn't any and hasn't been any since.

 

So I'm thinking you're always right to be on guard, but he may well be in NC mode like he says.

 

Just curious, you said that on DDay things ended badly. Was it because OW got thrown under the bus? (just curious)

Also, did you not have any contact with OW because that was YOUR choice, or more because things ended badly for her as well, and she didn't want to see you or talk to you anymore?

[Hard2Think]

Just curious, you said that on DDay things ended badly. Was it because OW got thrown under the bus? (just curious)

Also, did you not have any contact with OW because that was YOUR choice, or more because things ended badly for her as well, and she didn't want to see you or talk to you anymore?

 

To make a long story short, she showed up at my home one night and handed my wife a fist-full of love emails while I was there also. This was the day before we were supposed to go on holiday. My wife left to go on holiday and tooks the kids, but asked me to stay behind. The next day, while I was alone, OW shows up at the door again. At this point, I told her to leave immediately. She refused and started banging on the door and yelling, so I called the cops.

 

That was the last contact I had with her and frankly, I had no desire to see her after that.

[katielee]

NC other than job related for 2 months. Then MM moved to another building and there has been no contact since and that was 4 months ago. Also, my BS exposed to OMW about 3 weeks ago with a personal visit, pictures, and a letter and said if MM ever contacted me she'd know about it right away. She had no idea....

I still think about him every day... but I am not in love with him. More like a "wondering how he's doing" type of thing.

I'm very much in love with my husband.

[What_Next]

I still think about him every day... but I am not in love with him. More like a "wondering how he's doing" type of thing.

I'm very much in love with my husband.

 

Sorry, not to attack you or anything but I'll call you on that statement. You still think of the OM every day? Wow, your husband is a "lucky" guy. Umm yah.

[TigerCub]

To make a long story short, she showed up at my home one night and handed my wife a fist-full of love emails while I was there also. This was the day before we were supposed to go on holiday. My wife left to go on holiday and tooks the kids, but asked me to stay behind. The next day, while I was alone, OW shows up at the door again. At this point, I told her to leave immediately. She refused and started banging on the door and yelling, so I called the cops.

 

WOW, that's quite the ending to an A

That's crazy drama!!

 

That was the last contact I had with her and frankly, I had no desire to see her after that.

Yeah...I can imagine.

[Spark1111]

FBS here....I kept throwing him out because I kept discovering continued contact between them....more along the lines of how is your reconciliation going?

 

HA!

 

Also there were some issues in his family he was angry about. I told him he was being unreasonable, but he just grew angrier. Guess what? She agreed with anything and everything he said, so again I knew there had been contact.

 

I could just feel it in my gut. He would grow sullen, or distant, or like Owl said, pick a fight with me!

 

When I verified it, I told him to leave.....again!

 

About a full three months after DDAY, she texts him while he is sitting in our living room, something innocuous, he tells me THIS TIME, and I blew up.

 

Enough! I'm done!

 

Apparently she would not stop calling him about trivia (they worked together but shared no work) and he finally told her to stop all contact with him.

 

He enforced his own NC because I was done and moving on. She was distraught that they could not reman friends. I told him fine as long as I could contact past loves and be friends with them too. He got my point.

 

When there was no longer contact of ANY KIND, I knew that too. He fully turned towards me and our marriage and was putting 150% effort into convincing me to stay.

 

His actions were completely different when all contact ended. I think, on some level, he was somewhat keeping her as a Plan B in the event I was finished with him.

 

And I think she allowing him to do so under the guise of "we'll just be friends" in the hopes he would return to her.

[Snowflower]

Not sure if this is the right Forum, but I have a question for the cheaters themselves, esp men, not sure if there are any on here. I want to know how long you thought about the ow, even though you stayed in your marriage. Did you tell your wife there was NC and there really was? just curious! am I deluding myself that My H ended all contact right away?

 

I wish you would get more responses from male WS or fWS but they are few and far between here. And since I'm a fBS, I can't really answer your questions either.

 

Everyone can answer your questions based on their experience with infidelity, but it won't really help you because they are not YOUR husband.

 

But here is some food for thought for you since I was once in the same position as you are now. What do YOU think? If your H said there is no NC between him and the AP, do you believe him? Why or why not? (you don't have to answer these questions here-just something to think about). If your H is still in contact with the OW, what will you do? If he is thinking about her, can you handle this?

 

Basically, you can't control what your H does and what he thinks about, you can only control your reactions to it. And your H is an individual, no matter what anyone tells you here, he will do what he is going to do...whether it is to work to re-establish trustworthiness with you, continue with the OW or haphazardly try to do both, which is common. However, what is common doesn't mean it will necessarily happen in your situation.

 

Polly, don't worry about what he is doing. Try to detach and think about what you want. This might take some time and it is not easy. Your instinct is try to believe him and "watch" what he is doing. If he is floundering between the two of you, this will just prolong it, most likely. You could deliver an ultimatum, but be prepared to back it up. In other words, you will need to be completely serious.

 

Ultimatums do work to bring about a resolution but you need to be able to back them up and live with that "worst case scenario" if it doesn't go as you had hoped.

 

Good luck, Polly. If you are strong and true to yourself, this situation eventually will work itself out in a way that will be best for YOU. It might take awhile and will be painful along the way, but you will get there as long as you stay true to your own convictions and limits of what you will tolerate from your WH.

[thomasb]

Actually, for me, there were no thoughts of missing her or wishing for contact after I told my wife the truth. I had decided to live the right way. Later, after all the stupid stunts she and her family pulled, there were thoughts all right, and they were not very nice!

A few months after, we moved to another state. Unless my wife mentioned it, I wouldn't think of her at all. Since finding this site I've been thinking more about affairs and such.

[Circular]

Am a MM but never had a DDay. I went NC because I decided it was the right thing to do for everyone involved, including myself. It has been one of the hardest and difficult things for me to sustain and its been more than six months. I still think about xMW every day, many times a day. NC has been broken a couple of times, but more impersonal communications regarding mutual friends. But, still, even impersonal communications seem to flare things up again like someone tearing a healing wound.

 

Is he NC? Well, I suppose if this was a serious A that lasted a few years and there was a tight emotional connection I would assume your H would be having to deal with the grieving process. In other words, it would be to him like someone passed away. If he's all happy-go-lucky and saying 'oh I'm totally over it, lets move on' then I'd say... uhhh he's probably 99% still in contact with her.

[jennie-jennie]

Odds are that the WS and AP will maintain contact unless NC is VERIFIED and ENFORCED by the BS.

 

That's been my experience as well as what I've seen in my time here.

 

That sounds awful. That sounds like lock the cell and throw away the key to me. No way I would want to be in such a relationship.

 

I've been the WS. I stopped of my own accord. The OM kept seeking me out every so often for years and years, but I was not interested.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Not sure if this is the right Forum, but I have a question for the cheaters themselves, esp men, not sure if there are any on here. I want to know how long you thought about the ow, even though you stayed in your marriage. Did you tell your wife there was NC and there really was? just curious! am I deluding myself that My H ended all contact right away?

 

OW's don't really want to hear this, but most of the MM walk away and easily forget them, unless they want to restart the affair.

[pkn06002]

When there was NC for two years between the OW and I yes I thought about her everyday. That is after I told my wife about the affair and tried to fix things between us.

 

But as other people have said your situation is your situation. I am the opposite of thomasb for example.

[Summer Breeze]

OW's don't really want to hear this, but most of the MM walk away and easily forget them, unless they want to restart the affair.

 

I don't think many BS want to hear this but from what I've seen of APs from both sides both here, in real life, and on other forums the A lingers even when it's ended.

 

I ended things with my exMM a few years ago and he still contacts every few months. Every contact starts with him talking about how much he loves me and wants to see me and wishes things could be different. He always says he knows I won't see him but he wants me to know how he feels. We had 3 ddays and on each of them it was him that resumed contact. When I was ready to move on I did. He doesn't want to leave his M but he doesn't want to be there either. When I ended it I told him to deal with his decisions and make things right at home. He told me nothing was right before we met and it certainly wouldn't be now.

 

To this day my father still maintains contact with one of his OW (I know her daughter and no this has not been easy to deal with for so many years). My best friend is a man who left his OW on Dday to stay with his W because there were several small children. He tried it for 3 or 4 years and couldn't get over her and several years after that they were married.

 

My exH was in love with his OW and I pretty well ended things with him because I knew he would always have those feelings and it was pointless to beat a dead horse. They've been married for close to 20 years now and we had a talk a while ago where he apologized for what he did and thanked me for knowing him better than he did.

 

My personal feelings are that men can compartmentalize the A while it is going and they can compartmentalize the feelings once it's ended. It doesn't mean the feelings aren't there. I sincerely think that's why so many resume contact and keep trying for so many years to do so.

 

Obviously I don't feel every AP is like this. I do however disagree that feelings just 'end'. Serial cheaters and ONS absolutely but not long term As.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I ended things with my exMM a few years ago and he still contacts every few months. Every contact starts with him talking about how much he loves me and wants to see me and wishes things could be different. He always says he knows I won't see him but he wants me to know how he feels. We had 3 ddays and on each of them it was him that resumed contact. When I was ready to move on I did. He doesn't want to leave his M but he doesn't want to be there either. When I ended it I told him to deal with his decisions and make things right at home. He told me nothing was right before we met and it certainly wouldn't be now.

 

Holy crap... for the people around you cheating is either a lifestyle or an olympic sport!

 

In the situations your describing, what typically happens is you dump the OW and go back to your wife... only to find that it's just as bad as before or worse. That leads to you pining away for what you had.

 

Now if the wife puts effort into fixing whatever was driving you out of the marriage... in most cases the OW vanishes quickly from your mind.

 

Most guys do not cheat with the intention of ending their marriage, unless the marriage is real bad.

[Summer Breeze]

Holy crap... for the people around you cheating is either a lifestyle or an olympic sport!

 

In the situations your describing, what typically happens is you dump the OW and go back to your wife... only to find that it's just as bad as before or worse. That leads to you pining away for what you had.

 

Now if the wife puts effort into fixing whatever was driving you out of the marriage... in most cases the OW vanishes quickly from your mind.

 

Most guys do not cheat with the intention of ending their marriage, unless the marriage is real bad.

 

To my father it was. To my exH it was when he had an addiction problem and I/we handled it poorly. To my friend he fell in love with someone outside M. If you have honesty from a lot of people you'll find this everywhere. I've been shocked over my life to friends who know about their parents who have cheated. I've been shocked to see co-workers who cheat. I've been shocked to see perfect couples where one cheats. Infidelity has always been part of many many relationships-if you look at the many friends I've had and family members I have it's probably the same percentage. I dare say it's probably something that we all could see as well if the people involved were close enough to talk about it.

 

I'm sorry I disagree. I don't think that just because the BS turns back towards the M it blanks the feelings for the AP. I'm happy to disagree with you on that-I tend to go with the conversations and experiences I've had with people in that position that I have personal friendships with.

[Circular]

To my father it was. To my exH it was when he had an addiction problem and I/we handled it poorly. To my friend he fell in love with someone outside M. If you have honesty from a lot of people you'll find this everywhere. I've been shocked over my life to friends who know about their parents who have cheated. I've been shocked to see co-workers who cheat. I've been shocked to see perfect couples where one cheats. Infidelity has always been part of many many relationships-if you look at the many friends I've had and family members I have it's probably the same percentage. I dare say it's probably something that we all could see as well if the people involved were close enough to talk about it.

 

I'm sorry I disagree. I don't think that just because the BS turns back towards the M it blanks the feelings for the AP. I'm happy to disagree with you on that-I tend to go with the conversations and experiences I've had with people in that position that I have personal friendships with.

 

I agree with Summer, if it was a real A that lasted any length of time. I'm not talking like a ONS or a quick fling, but something the lasts 6 months or more it lingers. As an MM we can compartmentalize and channel our emotions or completely switch them off when needed. It doesn't mean they're not there, matter of fact one could argue because men have a high tendency to do this that they stay around much longer because they're never fully processed.

[2themoon&back]

Not sure if this is the right Forum, but I have a question for the cheaters themselves, esp men, not sure if there are any on here. I want to know how long you thought about the ow, even though you stayed in your marriage. Did you tell your wife there was NC and there really was? just curious! am I deluding myself that My H ended all contact right away?

 

here is my 2 cents --- my xMM told W he had NC on 4 different occasions and they were in MC (i would say we had 4 D Days) and he never stopped contact with me until now, when i did something different to make sure there could be NC,.

With that said i think it depends on how long he was involved and to what degree the emotional attachments were and maybe how things ended.

 

but if you are going to stay with this man then you have to trust what he says-- if not you will not heal and you will not move on with your recovery in your own M and why would you want to put yourself through all that doubting if you are wanting to stay in the R.

Maybe you need to go NC as well with the xOW, and make her less important and stay focused on starting over in your M.

[Hard2Think]

Holy crap... for the people around you cheating is either a lifestyle or an olympic sport!

 

In the situations your describing, what typically happens is you dump the OW and go back to your wife... only to find that it's just as bad as before or worse. That leads to you pining away for what you had.

 

Now if the wife puts effort into fixing whatever was driving you out of the marriage... in most cases the OW vanishes quickly from your mind.

 

Most guys do not cheat with the intention of ending their marriage, unless the marriage is real bad.

 

There's alot of truth to that. I'd actually managed to make a break from the OW at one point for almost 2 months. But like you said, I started pining away for her. So, I went back.

[Owl]

That sounds awful. That sounds like lock the cell and throw away the key to me. No way I would want to be in such a relationship.

 

I've been the WS. I stopped of my own accord. The OM kept seeking me out every so often for years and years, but I was not interested.

 

It would absolutely be awful if it went on indefinitely, you're right. And it's not something you'd expect to see in a HEALTHY relationship.

 

But...you're not taking into account that the relationship is damaged as a result of the affair. You're also not taking into account that many, many people absolutely display addictive tendencies when it comes to an affair.

 

So frankly, you can't expect either party in a marriage to just go back to acting like it never happened right after an affair. They'd be stupid if they did.

 

That "snooping" that sounds so awful to you is normally one of the best steps that can be taken to reconcile the marriage after infidelity. It has two major benefits. First...it does indeed help a weak WS who's likely to re-establish contact with the OW/OM be more accountable....less likely to resume that contact if they know that they're likely to be caught. Second...it allows the BS to SEE that the WS is now acting in a trustworthy manner.

 

I can see why an OW/OM would find this so awful from their viewpoint...but I can tell you that most (granted not all) BS's can tell you that it's often required in order to reconcile/recover the marriage. Most WS's who've been through it and recovered their marriages are likely to agree, too.

 

I've noted that those that accord personal freedome higher over any form of personal accountability to others (including a spouse) are the ones that really dislike this idea...but most often are the ones that are participating or have participated in some form of affair relationship as well. Perhaps that mindset is a contributing factor in some fashion?

[pollyanna22]

I don't think many BS want to hear this but from what I've seen of APs from both sides both here, in real life, and on other forums the A lingers even when it's ended.

 

I ended things with my exMM a few years ago and he still contacts every few months. Every contact starts with him talking about how much he loves me and wants to see me and wishes things could be different. He always says he knows I won't see him but he wants me to know how he feels. We had 3 ddays and on each of them it was him that resumed contact. When I was ready to move on I did. He doesn't want to leave his M but he doesn't want to be there either. When I ended it I told him to deal with his decisions and make things right at home. He told me nothing was right before we met and it certainly wouldn't be now.

 

To this day my father still maintains contact with one of his OW (I know her daughter and no this has not been easy to deal with for so many years). My best friend is a man who left his OW on Dday to stay with his W because there were several small children. He tried it for 3 or 4 years and couldn't get over her and several years after that they were married.

 

My exH was in love with his OW and I pretty well ended things with him because I knew he would always have those feelings and it was pointless to beat a dead horse. They've been married for close to 20 years now and we had a talk a while ago where he apologized for what he did and thanked me for knowing him better than he did.

 

My personal feelings are that men can compartmentalize the A while it is going and they can compartmentalize the feelings once it's ended. It doesn't mean the feelings aren't there. I sincerely think that's why so many resume contact and keep trying for so many years to do so.

 

Obviously I don't feel every AP is like this. I do however disagree that feelings just 'end'. Serial cheaters and ONS absolutely but not long term As.

 

Well my H is..or was (suposidly) a serial cheater, but I know he had strong feelings for the last OW he had. they only saw eachother for 3 months, he says if he stayed with her he'd be thinking about me, and I'm sure he thinks about her, now that he's stayed with me. He did not stay for the kids, we did separate, and everytime we tried to end our M we'd end up in bed. I felt like the OW at his point! thats when I told him he needed to decide. I guess I'm just curious if he thinks about her like I do lol, it's been 2 years and I still think about her, so he must! tx for the responses