Breaking NC..

[Gt.ooh]

True about the eternity comment. But don't you think NC an entire 6 months loses anything u may have had? I mean it can't hurt to just say briefly how's life treating you or w/e. And continue accoridingly. I guess it just depends on your break-up. Like for mine as an example. You've commented and mentored me thus far. You know she comes out, you know about the origins. Me just pushing to much, she was really nice about it, and I haven't given her a month before...and we've been broken up for a little less than a month. First week I had no contact, but not by choice (no cell phone reception), second week was needyness and desperation, calmed down and LC 1 txt a day maybe..and then sent one measely msg on facebook her friend tattled and here I am backed off completely. What's your opinion on that? I started NC in week 2 1/2...

 

Other ppl, share stories, and comments! It's good to have constructive criticism.

[Billie The Puppet]

As each day passes I fear it may be to late. She'll forget me etc. As each week is crossed off my list as I am still counting the thoughts are well week 5 and nor she or I have tried to contact each other. It's over it's truly over. If I send the checking in text it resets the NC clock etc and could even send me back to square one. I am not willing to take that chance.

 

In 6 months time I may be indifferent to the point I could give it a try like hey I'll ask her out and the worst she can say is no, but at that point a no wouldn't send me back to square one just take a small cut on my ego etc. I have no reason to check in with her life.

 

I know it's not what you want to hear but when do you plan on breaking NC? Most common answer is 1 month and I'll let you know why All the get your ex back guides say this. They instill fear that an ex could potentially move on etc. I'm realistic in I can see my ex has every right to move on and I'm not going to chase her because it will chase her away. In fact her entering a relationship could be good for her. I take the risk she falls in love but I have already lost her anyways. Under the same token I am allowed to move on but being a dumpee who is still hung up on my ex thats harder. My dates all failed and I think its because I am not ready yet.

 

Since I have been on LS I have heard of 3-4 reconciliations of which I think only 1-2 are still in a relationship. That's within a month.

 

Also losing everything you may have had is what you want you want to start a fresh new relationship. Of course I wish I never had broken up in the first place but I own up to my mistakes as I am sure I caused them.

Edited October 8, 2010 by Billie The Puppet

[Banker Chick]

My situation is a little different so take it with a grain of salt (and a margarita or two!)

 

Broke up almost two months ago. During a heated argument he broke it off bc he couldn't handle the constant fighting with everything he had going on. Wanted time and space but wanted to stay friends and preferred we not date other people. Because he wasn't sure what would happen in the future, I couldn't do it. Told him it was too hard.

 

Went NC at that point but I could only last a week. I missed his friendship so I reached out via e-mail. Told him I realized the part I played in the relationship ending and that I was sorry. Other than that, I did NOT say anything about getting together or resuming the relationship. Just said I'd like to keep in touch if that was possible.

 

After that point, it's progressed. We started out with LC. Then we got together and agreed FWB but that didn't work out bc it ended up being WAY more than FWB as it was a great time and the feelings were still there. Things got too confusing so I tried to go complete NC and tell him we just couldn't be friends. That didn't work and he wouldn't accept that decision. Then tried to resume being friends and got together for a second time. Another great time with admitting that we still loved each other. Now we are basically talking like we did when dating (I love you, I miss you, pet names, etc.) and we talk/text a couple days a week and then usually have a longer phone conversation during the weekend. Discussing when we'll be getting together again. It's tough because of his horrible schedule and the distance between us.

 

I'm not sure what will happen but there are a couple things that are important here...

 

1) We did not break up due to cheating or abuse or anything like that.

2) He technically broke up with me although he mentioned he feels it was the other way around since I said we couldn't be friends and I went NC

3) He, even as the dumper, has always had stronger feelings for me than I do for him. Don't get me wrong, I do love him, but he's just always been so head over heels.

4) We are trying to take it slow and just figure things out again.

5) During the break up conversation there wasn't any name calling or horrible behavior. Just a lot of crying and emotional talk.

6) I've since learned when he said he wanted to be "friends" he wanted to keep me in his life because he was hoping we'd continue to work on things (even though he didn't say this at the time).

 

Not sure if my experience helps or not. We do discuss our "future" but I am dating other people because we are not official again and until that point, I look at him as another person I "date".

 

While I didn't go NC for a long time with him, I have done it in the past. I dated a guy for over 2 yrs and we talked marriage and when we broke up I went NC and didn't talk to him for over 2 years (and that was only bc we ran into each other!). I think it's the best decision when you really need to move on.

 

Edited to add: At the beginning, when we started talking again we kept it really breezy and surface stuff. No heavy relationship talk.

[Ajax]

 

Seriously though more reconciliations happen when a significant amount of time has past I mean years not days, weeks, months etc. (Some cases here at 5-6 months) A month and a half into NC is nothing to a dumper. We are in the dumpee mindset and it feels like an eternity.

 

I know a girl who dated a guy for a couple years before he broke up with her because he wasn't ready for marriage and wanted to see what else was out there. She was devistated. He apperently didn't care for what he found out there, and three months after the breakup they were engaged. Wedding happened 6 months later and so far it's all lollipops and rainbows. Obviously this is the exception and I'm not recomending anyone get their hopes up. But It has happened in the history of the universe.

 

As each day passes I fear it may be to late. She'll forget me etc. As each week is crossed off my list as I am still counting the thoughts are well week 5 and nor she or I have tried to contact each other. It's over it's truly over. If I send the checking in text it resets the NC clock etc and could even send me back to square one. I am not willing to take that chance.

 

This is where I am. I miss her to pieces but I truely believe that she no longer has any feelings for me. Or if she does I'm afraid it's merely pity. That that poor boy still loves me... the loser! But at the same time I feel pity for her. She's never satisfied. She can't just be.

 

Like I said, I'm getting weak. i won't break NC yet, but I'm curious as to what she's thinking and feeling. And I'm afraid to lose her. As much as I don't want to, I continue to cling to hope.

[jeff2321]

Don't break NC man, no matter what you do. You and I both know there is nothing down that road. If she's been NC this long, it means she didn't love you enough to stay around. She quit on you and removed you out of her life. You deserve better.

 

I'm going to remain NC with my ex forever. I have no desire to ever know what my ex is doing or who she is with ever again. She left me and rocked my world and I just can't forgive her for quitting on me... even if we were having some issues. The issues were small and we could have worked on them together but she quit and so she can go and find someone else and start all over again.

 

Don't break NC because all it will do is end up in rejection or worse ... no response at all and then you'll feel weak.

 

I know I'm a wreck and giving advice is probably something I shouldn't be doing, but staying NC is one of the few things that has kept me from going down the tubes completely.

 

Just my .02.

 

Jeff

[Gt.ooh]

I agree, NC in your situation is the best thing going. I'm on day 9 of NC. I still have to check in from time to time about the condo we had just moved into before the break-up. Hydro, and if things are being fixed etc. Via email. Doesn't matter if I get a response in one day or three.. Like most of us on here, it's a day to day struggle on whether or not to just send a quick "hey". But I'm learning by the day and with support from LS and my friends to just leave her be. I'm confident I don't mean nothing to her, and have to let it happen. I talk with her mom everyday. She loves me and she gives me good advice and she knows her daughter well.

 

My friend had a gf of four years, she cheated on him. They broke up, she became insecure. He found another girl they dated for 3 months broke up...then back to his first ex, and he realized he made a mistake and married the girl he dated for 3 months after some more time dating. I look at his situation every day and remind myself, NC pays off for you in the end, and worth not getting jealous or involved with someone else while your on the rollercoaster ride. And let things fall into place.

 

Best advice her mom gave me, and like everyone says...stay busy busy busy.

[Gt.ooh]

Share stories ppl!!

 

So I have a new spin to my situation, those of you that have followed my break-up... Turns out she didn't change her number because of me. She had to change it for school so clients in the city she's living in don't cost long distance... So that made me feel a lot better. I don't have the new number, should I just leave it that way for now? I will say it's a lot easier for me to not contact right now without it..

[Capthxc]

Well my ex kind of broke our silent NC agreement last night, but there was a reason behind it. I guess a friend of mine when he heard of my most recent situation thought he could try and friend her on facebook, but he didnt even tell me he was doing it or else i would have told him it was a bad idea. Anyways, last night i got a text from her stating this -

 

Her - =\ Not trying to sound rude, but i would appreciate it if you told your friends not to try and add me on facebook. Just thought id get that out there so you could spread the word to whomever tried to add me.

 

My phone died before i could even send her another message. The guy i was hanging out with at the time was the same friend that tried to add her, he felt extremely guilty and gave me some advice for when i try to clear it up. He told me to act as nonchalant as possible and only cover up the situation, not to try and go into detail with her on whats been going on with me or her, because it will just push her when im sure she doesnt want to be pushed. Anyways, a few hours later when i got home this is how our short conversation went.

 

Me - Hey i just wanted to clear up earlier since my phone died on me and im not sure if you got my message. I'm not trying to have my friends check up on you or anything weird like that. He just knows about what's going on and thought that he could maybe talk to you about it. Didnt really understand that you arent like that, and i had no idea he was doing it in the first place.

 

Her - It's fine, like I said, I was pretty sure you had nothing to do with it. I just don't really know what he would want to talk to me about. I think we've both said what has needed to be said at this current time. I just wanted to make you aware.

 

Me - I agree, i'm sure you know how i feel about everything, but i havent really gone into detail with anyone besides my family and he thought he could help my situation, but i cleared it up with him. Thanks for bringing it to my attention though. He apologizes for bothering you. Anyways, hope everything has been going good for you, and maybe we can talk in the near future under better circumstances.

 

 

The thing is, i still dont really know where she stands. I guess what she meant is she still wants to talk to me, but she cant talk to me yet because of the whole emotions thing. Her "current time" statement really threw me in a loop, i still have no idea what she was trying to tell me, or if im just over analyzing it, which i hope isnt the case. My assumption is that shes treating it the same way i am, not trying to send off the wrong signals because she doesnt want me to get the wrong idea, that she still wants her space and shes trying to see if i'll still respect it. I dunno, kind of sucks because i had that e-mail i was going to send after exactly 1 month of NC and now i feel like i cant really send it. This whole situation has left me pretty confused.

[rk369]

New poster, but thought I could add a girl's perspective

 

When your ex contacted you about the friend on facebook, I think she was feeling you out. I think you responded well, by minimizing the whole thing. I think there are some good signs here...first that she contacted you. She didn't have to, she could have simply refused the facebook add like many of us do on a daily basis. Secondly, the fact that she was "bothered" by it shows that there is still some emotion there. And lastly, I caught on to the "at this current time" when I was first reading through it. I think that is telling.

 

Realize that girls pretty much analyze to a fault what they are going to say to someone. Before she hit send, she read it again to make sure all of her points were in there. She wants you to read into it, too. Or maybe she just wants to keep you hanging on.

 

So I'm assuming you want to get back with this girl? I think you played that whole scenario pretty well. But she wants to make sure you are waiting around for her. Do NOT give her that satisfaction, as it will hurt your chances in the long run. Take it as a positive sign, and return to NC with her. Let her come to you. Any further effort on your part is going to appear weak and push her away.

 

There you have it, my first post....from a noob and a girl

 

ETA: Only after typing this did I realize I had posted one other response. Still a noob, just not a first response.

Edited October 10, 2010 by rk369

[Capthxc]

Thanks for the insight Ya i want to get back with this girl, we had a real good relationship going for a while until my over protectivness and bi-polar behavior pushed her away to the point of breaking up. She told me i had to change, but not for the relationship, for myself.

 

Anyways, i did something kind of dumb. I sent her another message about an hour ago, but all it simply said was thanks because i never got to say it before, and that she should know why im thanking her.(Prior to the relationship i was in a tight spot, very negative on myself but she changed that about me)Then i promptly said i was going back to giving her space, and that if she wants to talk to me she has to do it on her own accord, because pushing her will just make things worse.

[Capthxc]

Too late to edit my other post but the more i think about it the more i think you are right. She knows how i analyze everything. It took her a while to respond to my first message, even though i knew she was there. I think she threw that out there in hopes that i would really think about how she worded what she said. She isnt the type of person to randomly say "tell your friends to stop adding me" out of no where. I think i should look at what my friend did as a favor. I think she used it as an excuse to reach out to me and see if i was still really emotional about everything.

 

I'm going back to 1 month of NC from today. If she breaks it before I do then great, i will keep it casual and nonchalant. Once that 1 month period is up, i will just simply ask her how shes been doing. If i get no answer then i will simply assume she wants nothing to do with me.