Kamille Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 I think I am just missing the abstract idea of being in a relationship or heading towards a relationship... I think I understand what you mean, yet this statement gives me pause for two reasons. 1) Do you mean to tell me you actually enjoyed dating this guy? I thought it caused you a lot of anxiety? Are there moments you aren't sharing here where you actually enjoy getting to know someone new? 2) Instead of missing the idea of heading towards a relationship, I wish you would approach dating as "getting to know someone". You have to know the person first before you decide whether or not you want a relationship with that person, wouldn't you agree? So, in fact, what happened with this guy is exactly what dating is all about. You went out, you got to know each other and realized you weren't compatible. Success! What you're missing isn't heading for a relationship. What you're missing is the process of evaluating if someone is long-term relationship-material.
gypsy_nicky Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 from your posts oceangirl, its seems highly likely that the guy you were seeing was 'on the fence' regarding the two of you. You got the upper hand by ending it (this is actually good, it saves you from feeling worse off). I think if you kept seeing him and he dropped you, you'd feel worse off. His behaviors towards you sound rejecting and invalidating. He was even blase when you chose to end it. A guy who shows strong interest usually becomes animated and blows his own horn around a girl he really likes and usually you will see this when he discusses his likes, loves and interests- very convincingly too. No matter if the two of you have similar interests or not. I think he wanted to keep seeing you because maybe he thinks his feelings may change towards you. Or maybe because he's getting nookie. Regarding your looks, unless your personality is extremely messed up, guys will put up with a lot of s*!t when immensely attracted to a girl. I'm not saying he found you unattractive but most likely your looks were on the fence for him too.
Floridaman Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 I also need to confess something. Earlier today, I caved and e-mailed him Luckily, it was just a brief e-mail asking him how is his weekend going and commenting on the nice weather (not talking about us in any way). I am not sure why I did it as I clearly see that we wouldn't work and that the decision to end it was 100% right one. He hasn't responded (yet) and I am now kind of releived that he hasn't. I think I am just missing the abstract idea of being in a relationship or heading towards a relationship... I don't see that as a problem. I agree with others that you're obsessing over this, as you have in some past posts I've read. At least you didn't give yourself to him too quickly (or more likely, offer yourself to him very fast) and let sex complicate things, as in past posts you revealed.
Author OceanGirl Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 from your posts oceangirl, its seems highly likely that the guy you were seeing was 'on the fence' regarding the two of you. You got the upper hand by ending it (this is actually good, it saves you from feeling worse off). I think if you kept seeing him and he dropped you, you'd feel worse off. His behaviors towards you sound rejecting and invalidating. He was even blase when you chose to end it. A guy who shows strong interest usually becomes animated and blows his own horn around a girl he really likes and usually you will see this when he discusses his likes, loves and interests- very convincingly too. No matter if the two of you have similar interests or not. I think he wanted to keep seeing you because maybe he thinks his feelings may change towards you. Or maybe because he's getting nookie. Regarding your looks, unless your personality is extremely messed up, guys will put up with a lot of s*!t when immensely attracted to a girl. I'm not saying he found you unattractive but most likely your looks were on the fence for him too. Hmm yeah maybe... but I have met people that are just naturally not very animated, even when around someone they like (although he was extremely nervous on the first few dates - but nervous is not the same as being passionate or animated). I am pretty sure he found me physically atractive (let's just say a girl knows ) It's more like personalities didn't mesh..and beleive it or not, some guys in their mid 30s have grown out of the mentality that they only care if the girl is hot. As for rejecting, it really doesn't matter who rejects who. I didn't feel good when I ended it and actually it may be better for me if HE was the one to end it. At least then a part of me would not think that I have messed up a great chance with a nice guy. This is not about upper hands (you sound like you are 18). So we ended up exchanging few e-mails back and forth this weekend., just making small talk. He then said in his last e-mail: what does this mean? Are we friends? Are you having second thoughts? I am a bit confused that's all. Haven't responded yet
dispatch3d Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 Why dwell on this? You and said guy were a meh fit. Go play NHL11 or something.
waynebrady Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 I hate sports too, so there are guys that don't live and breathe sports 24 /7. At this point wait and see if he texts you in a few days or weeks to "just say hi" and take it from there. You , as the dumper, wouln't look to swift calling him back. It's been done to me and I hate it. Why would a man who have already been dumped by the woman try to contact her again? That's never gonna happen... unless offcourse the guy is a loser stalker without any self respect. Any normal guy isn't gonna try and contact a woman who has dumped him.
gypsy_nicky Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 (edited) Hmm yeah maybe... but I have met people that are just naturally not very animated, even when around someone they like (although he was extremely nervous on the first few dates - but nervous is not the same as being passionate or animated). I am pretty sure he found me physically atractive (let's just say a girl knows ) It's more like personalities didn't mesh..and beleive it or not, some guys in their mid 30s have grown out of the mentality that they only care if the girl is hot. As for rejecting, it really doesn't matter who rejects who. I didn't feel good when I ended it and actually it may be better for me if HE was the one to end it. At least then a part of me would not think that I have messed up a great chance with a nice guy. This is not about upper hands (you sound like you are 18). So we ended up exchanging few e-mails back and forth this weekend., just making small talk. He then said in his last e-mail: what does this mean? Are we friends? Are you having second thoughts? I am a bit confused that's all. Haven't responded yet I still don't buy that 'personalities don't mesh' argument. Guys will always go for the best looking girl they can catch no matter their age. They will also try to justify that your personalities mesh well together when its obvious that it doesn't ('oh she's the complete opposite of me, we compliment each other'). As for being nervous on dates, it could very well be its in his personality or don't most people get nervous when meeting someone new?? If indeed he found you attractive, cite an example. His behavior towards you could be interpreted by others differently. You know implying I'm immature is also immature. You should have just told me instead of saying I'm 18. Really? Do you really try to justify that being rejected would have been better for you? I don't think so. I think you would feel worse off. Rejection is a power play that most people like to avoid. Age does not have any bearing on it. The point is rejection hurts and its an insult to your very being. Experienced daters will 'test' a persons interest level before fully investing in another person. That's where upper handing comes in. Once you know a person or date is uninterested you bail. You don't ask for clarification because you will get ambiguous answers. You bail to save face and to save your dignity. I really do hope you use this method more often when screening out your dates, instead of getting too emotional and putting out too quickly. What exactly did you tell him for him to reply like that? Edited October 11, 2010 by gypsy_nicky
True Love Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Having alot of common interests can be a good starting point to a relationship, but it is in no way vital for a healthy one. I was in a relationship, and the girl and I had no common interests, but it seemed to last for over 3 years. As they say, opposites do attract!
Author OceanGirl Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 Gypsy, Your argument makes no sense. I have his Facebook and saw number of pictures of his most recent ex (they were together for 10 months). She is both heavier and worse looking than me by a good degree. They did compete in triathlons together so I know he values common interests highly.
Recommended Posts