OceanGirl Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 I don't know but I really regret ending it with the last guy. The more people I talk to, the more they all say that having a lot of common interests is not that important in a relationship. I am also kind of weirded out that he hasn't been more upset. He just couldn't care less it seems. I see things in black and white terms and I just wished I have relaxed and gotten to know him better without worrying if he is a LTR material every single day. Of course, the fact that he actually admitted that he had some concerns over the lack of common interests too makes me think that I was right to end it (but he did say that despite the concerns he wanted to keep seeing me). Problem is, if I asked him back now I would come across as completely emotionally unstable and the power would firmly swing in his favor (that is assuming that he even takes me back). Should I just grit my teeth and get over missing him? Also, I wonder what are your thoughts on common interests. He is a sport fanatic and I hate sports. Is that a deal breaker?
SilentVoice Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 I won't comment on your regret. I hope you get over it and take sometime to figure out Ocean. I personally think less common interests are better. It gives couples more time to be apart and do their own thing. You know make the heart grow ..yadda yadda yadda. I think common goals are more important.
Author OceanGirl Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 Usually when I end things with someone I feel relieved. I am actually feeling sad now and am missing him But yeah can more people comment on common interests?
alexlakeman Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 I hate sports too, so there are guys that don't live and breathe sports 24 /7. At this point wait and see if he texts you in a few days or weeks to "just say hi" and take it from there. You , as the dumper, wouln't look to swift calling him back. It's been done to me and I hate it.
Cracker Jack Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 I think you need to just realize that this likely wouldn't work in the long-run, and try to move on. Oh, and I don't think a lack of common interests or lack of it in regards to things like, uh, sports, fishing, etc, should really be considered a deal-breaker in any situation.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Usually when I end things with someone I feel relieved. I am actually feeling sad now and am missing him But yeah can more people comment on common interests? Who is the retard that told you that? Having that feeling of "we are so similar" is awesome in a relationship. Common interests are a good part of that. Whoever told you that has no clue. Also... why does random people's opinion mean so much to you?
USMCHokie Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 I think common goals are more important. Agreed. And I'd like to add that common values are also important. Common interests are great and all, but you should share similar fundamental values... Couples with different interests also give each other something to talk about...and something new to introduce the other to...I imagine if you were identical to the person you were dating, things might get a little boring pretty quick...
Author OceanGirl Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 The thing is he loves running and cycling. He spends a lot of his spare time doing that. So he would be better suited to the girl who would do those things with him. I don't have a lot of LTR experience so I am not sure how really important this is.
SilentVoice Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 The thing is he loves running and cycling. He spends a lot of his spare time doing that. So he would be better suited to the girl who would do those things with him. I don't have a lot of LTR experience so I am not sure how really important this is. I just started up running -- well jogging. I want a LTR but I don't want to do that with my partner. People have hobbies for themselves you know.
Star Gazer Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 You're only regretting it because you feel rejected, because he didn't seem to care. It's all ego driven, and yet again you're looking for that external validation. If he'd acted traumatized, you wouldn't feel regret at all. You'd feel "special" and like you conquered and were worthy of a truly good guy. BTW... why are you even talking about common interests in conjunction with your decision to end things? What did you tell him about your reasons? That you didn't have enough in common? Because that was NOT the reason you didn't like him anymore, OG. He was boring and bad in bed...remember?
USMCHokie Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 The thing is he loves running and cycling. He spends a lot of his spare time doing that. So he would be better suited to the girl who would do those things with him. I don't have a lot of LTR experience so I am not sure how really important this is. Well, if you have any inclination to get into any of the activities that he enjoys, then it's a great way to learn something new and share in an experience with him that you know he enjoys. Remember, relationships are the merging of two lives, not one overtaking another...so with that, interests could certainly merge as well...that's why I don't think it's critical that couples share all their interests at the beginning of a relationship... But if you have no desire whatsoever to get involved in certain aspects of his life, well then you'll have a choice to make...
Author OceanGirl Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 The thing is, although I would never hard core train, I would be open to going running and cycling to get fit.. Ha.. too late now I guess. As for random people's opinion, I don't have much LTR experience so I do need people that do to tell me what is important and what is not...
Author OceanGirl Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 You're only regretting it because you feel rejected, because he didn't seem to care. It's all ego driven, and yet again you're looking for that external validation. If he'd acted traumatized, you wouldn't feel regret at all. You'd feel "special" and like you conquered and were worthy of a truly good guy. BTW... why are you even talking about common interests in conjunction with your decision to end things? What did you tell him about your reasons? That you didn't have enough in common? Because that was NOT the reason you didn't like him anymore, OG. He was boring and bad in bed...remember? No,no. He brought up common interests. When we talked about us, he said that one of his concerns is that we don't have enough common interests to last long term. But he also said that he wouldn't break up over that and that he finds me very attractive and interesting. So common interests are his concern...that's why I am wondering about them. Personally, I don't want a carbon copy of myself but he seems to.
Star Gazer Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Well, if you have any inclination to get into any of the activities that he enjoys, then it's a great way to learn something new and share in an experience with him that you know he enjoys. Remember, relationships are the merging of two lives, not one overtaking another...so with that, interests could certainly merge as well...that's why I don't think it's critical that couples share all their interests at the beginning of a relationship... But if you have no desire whatsoever to get involved in certain aspects of his life, well then you'll have a choice to make... None of this matters. She didn't end things because of a lack of mutual interests. She had a very different reason. When she ended it, he expressed his OWN concerns about whether they were compatible. She shouldn't be trying to fit into his world or blending lives when she had even bigger reasons for ending it, and he agreed.
USMCHokie Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 None of this matters. She didn't end things because of a lack of mutual interests. She had a very different reason. When she ended it, he expressed his OWN concerns about whether they were compatible. She shouldn't be trying to fit into his world or blending lives when she had even bigger reasons for ending it, and he agreed. I understand, but I was answering her more general question regarding common interests in a relationship...not directed at this particular guy...
Star Gazer Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 No,no. He brought up common interests. When we talked about us, he said that one of his concerns is that we don't have enough common interests to last long term. But he also said that he wouldn't break up over that and that he finds me very attractive and interesting. So common interests are his concern...that's why I am wondering about them. Personally, I don't want a carbon copy of myself but he seems to. If that's what HE wants, then that's what he wants. Why even worry about whether you can change yourself to fit his needs, AFTER you ended it for very different reasons?? I know you feel rejected, but you shouldn't. You're just incompatible. He didn't fit what you want either. He's boring and bad in bed. Just because two awesome people meet and date does NOT mean they are compatible. You just weren't compatible.
Author OceanGirl Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 SG, maybe you are right, maybe it' an ego thing. But I am curious to know your view on common interests anyway.
Author OceanGirl Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 If that's what HE wants, then that's what he wants. Why even worry about whether you can change yourself to fit his needs, AFTER you ended it for very different reasons?? I know you feel rejected, but you shouldn't. You're just incompatible. He didn't fit what you want either. He's boring and bad in bed. Just because two awesome people meet and date does NOT mean they are compatible. You just weren't compatible. You are right. It doesn't matter what rest of the population thinks of common interests. They are important to him and that's all that matters. And yeah, my reasons were completely different.
Star Gazer Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 I understand, but I was answering her more general question regarding common interests in a relationship...not directed at this particular guy... What you quoted her saying was about this particular guy, and then you talked about him/he in a way that seemed specific to him, not in general. I just don't want her analyzing the heck out of this guy and this relationship... She ended it for a very different reason. She needs to remain focused on why HE was not the right guy for HER, not the other way around.
Star Gazer Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 SG, maybe you are right, maybe it' an ego thing. But I am curious to know your view on common interests anyway. It is an ego thing. You're only human! "Oh, you don't like me either?" usually feels like relief at first, but inevitably we stop and do a double take and think, "Wait! Why not?!" But really, it doesn't matter. As for common interests, yes... I think they're very important. You don't (and probably shouldn't) share every interest and activity together, but you should share similar values/goals such that your interests and activities are complementary to one another.
elaina Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 I don't know but I really regret ending it with the last guy. The more people I talk to, the more they all say that having a lot of common interests is not that important in a relationship. I am also kind of weirded out that he hasn't been more upset. He just couldn't care less it seems. What's done is done. No use crying over spilled milk. It's water under the bridge... I see things in black and white terms and I just wished I have relaxed and gotten to know him better without worrying if he is a LTR material every single day. Yes just enjoying getting to know a guy is a very important thing that you can look forward to with another guy. Of course, the fact that he actually admitted that he had some concerns over the lack of common interests too makes me think that I was right to end it (but he did say that despite the concerns he wanted to keep seeing me). Problem is, if I asked him back now I would come across as completely emotionally unstable and the power would firmly swing in his favor (that is assuming that he even takes me back). I think it's probably best just to let him go. Should I just grit my teeth and get over missing him? Don't grit your teeth! I don't really think you truly miss him per se. I think you miss being "with" a guy. All the times that you have been so desperate to hear from him, I don't think you were so much missing him as missing being contacted and pursued by a guy you liked a bit. I think you should work on enjoying life without depending on a guy for happiness. Also, I wonder what are your thoughts on common interests. He is a sport fanatic and I hate sports. Is that a deal breaker? I think it's only a deal breaker if you put down his sport and get mad when he's doing it. Also, some guys do like for their girlfriend to enjoy sports with them, but I wouldn't say it's a dealbreaker, just more something many guys do like to share with the woman they love.
Author OceanGirl Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 Yeah, I was just surprised that he said anything negative about me.. Well, at least it doesn't seem like my looks were the problem (which is always my worst fear)
CrestfallenNoMore Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 "Go with your first instinct" is something that should be taught in schools. Our brains are tricksters. We will start to analyze, mis-remember, visualize and give credit where none should be given. Or we'll get lonely, self-doubt will creep in and we'll wonder if we were too hasty. Almost universally, when I have gone against my first instinct I've absolutely regretted it. It's the most maddening progress of dragging out the inevitable. Choose > Do > Don't look back.
sica Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Common interests are important to me, but not everyone. You definitely don't want a carbon copy but there needs to be some things you two can do together to stay together. If the two of you don't enjoy some of the same things then I can see the relationship becoming boring and eyes begin to wander (at least in my situation). As mentioned before common values go right along with interests, they usually feed from each other. My experience: I dated a guy who had different spiritual beliefs as well as not sharing each others enthusiasms. There were many other issues between us that ended the "relationship" but common ground was always a big one. We ended up staying home a lot because he refused to try anything new to him. We resented each other and had many arguments tallying how many things we did for each other that we didn't want to do, respectively. You also said there were other issues that led to the break up. Those probably haven't changed.
Star Gazer Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Yeah, I was just surprised that he said anything negative about me... He didn't say anything NEGATIVE about you! He merely pointed out differences. That you are different from him is not a negative quality. Watch me do it. Hokie eats a lot of omelletes, hence is a relatively big fan of eggs. I don't particularly care for eggs. There's a difference between us. Is that saying anything negative about him? Or me? Of course not.
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