Patter of the MM . . . genuine or not???

[unsure10]

Lots of you have probably read my original thread about my situation I have recently left my husband and have feelings for my married boss (I have fallen for him and he has made it clear he wants me but doesn't want an affair so I am in limbo at the minute).

 

What I am really wanting to know is whether a MM would chat about the following things if he just wanted a fling/no strings sex with his employee?

 

- Asking me what I want in the future, do I want kids etc

- Asking me whether I believe in God/what I think about the world in general

- Asking me what it is that I want from him

- Telling me that he would love his wife to meet ''her Prince charming so that we can be together''

- Telling me that he would be scared to take things further as he would not be able to control it then??

- Telling me about personal times in his life like when his family members were ill/died and telling me about his personal money matters

 

These are the things we talk about and things that he asks me. I was under the impression that when a MM wanted an affair he avoided such heavy subjects so as not to give the wrong impression to the mistress??

 

I am sooo confused by this as he is acting just as my husband did before he proposed to me . . . wanting to know everything about me and going out of his way to ask me things that nobody really knows about me. We work together all day every day and I know I could be being played but all I have to lose is my job he could lose his wife, his home, his career as a dentist and his practice if things got out of hand.Surely he wouldn't risk all of that for a quick fling???

 

He lights up whenever he is around me and according to people we work with he is miserable whenever I am not around . . . I think he could be in love with me. I know I am with him as have never felt so strongly about anyone (not even my husband) but I am keeping my guard up as I know how many women fall for married men who never leave their wives and that doesn't sound like a good way of life to me!!

Edited October 7, 2010 by unsure10

[2sunny]

he will tell you anything and everything if he thinks he may get laid. seriously. believe nothing.

 

IF he wants you - make him show by his actions. have him get divorced before you get any further involved in ruining your life by becoming his OW.

 

if and when he gets divorced (past tense) then and only then consider sex with this guy.

 

yes, he will tell you anything... he wants sex from you and he knows you are willing to give it and short change yourself!

 

don't give him all your power that way!

[katielee]

all the things he talked about with you, my MM (and I am married too) talked to me about as well.

the L word WILL probably come next.

this is all very typical.

you are in for a world of hurt....

[ladydesigner]

all the things he talked about with you, my MM (and I am married too) talked to me about as well.

the L word WILL probably come next.

this is all very typical.

you are in for a world of hurt....

 

I second this. I would try to distance myself as this is a definite set-up for an affair And you are right most MM will not leave for their AP. Don't set yourself up for a disaster. Run...

[LucreziaBorgia]

I would talk about stuff like that pretty frequently with different OM. It never meant that I was going to leave for them though - just that I was interested.

 

Never base your future with a MM on words - actions are all you can really count on, and in a lot of cases you can't really count on those either.

[Circular]

Here's what's happening. His brain is getting overloaded with dopamine and oxytocin, and so is yours. These chemicals are some of the most addictive and mood altering chemicals that exist. When you say 'its like an addiction' HELL YEA it IS an addiction, and you'll keep re-engaging to get more. Bad news, your humanly programmed to do so which makes it an exteremely difficult habit to kick.

 

What's worse? Since it's all in your head your mind will do anything to keep the flow of chemicals going. Your mind will literally trick you into believing things that are not true and finding things that only confirm that the next dose of dopamine is around the corner. That next text *boom*, that next phone call *boom*, that look over the mask *boom*.

 

I remember vividly, after years of my xAP being my friend how suddenly it started spiraling. I swear I thought I had complete control, I mean seriously we had known each other for years, how could it not be manageable... but NOOOOOOOOOOOOO I was completely overwhelmed you start spiraling and the chemicals start going to work and it gets crazy. The escalation phase I'm surprised and very lucky I made it through without it completely incinerating the world around me. I'm sure rumors at work started flying even though she and I were very good at keeping our distance.

 

Honestly, the best thing you can do is quit your job, and lets talk reality, your going to lose your job one way or the other. Take the high-ground, quit your job, if he wants to pursue the relationship and you want that, fine. But realize that, once he's 'got you' his incentive to leave his wife drops dramatically.

[lilbunny]

Here's what's happening. His brain is getting overloaded with dopamine and oxytocin, and so is yours. These chemicals are some of the most addictive and mood altering chemicals that exist. When you say 'its like an addiction' HELL YEA it IS an addiction, and you'll keep re-engaging to get more. Bad news, your humanly programmed to do so which makes it an exteremely difficult habit to kick.

 

What's worse? Since it's all in your head your mind will do anything to keep the flow of chemicals going. Your mind will literally trick you into believing things that are not true and finding things that only confirm that the next dose of dopamine is around the corner. That next text *boom*, that next phone call *boom*, that look over the mask *boom*.

 

I remember vividly, after years of my xAP being my friend how suddenly it started spiraling. I swear I thought I had complete control, I mean seriously we had known each other for years, how could it not be manageable... but NOOOOOOOOOOOOO I was completely overwhelmed you start spiraling and the chemicals start going to work and it gets crazy. The escalation phase I'm surprised and very lucky I made it through without it completely incinerating the world around me. I'm sure rumors at work started flying even though she and I were very good at keeping our distance.

 

Honestly, the best thing you can do is quit your job, and lets talk reality, your going to lose your job one way or the other. Take the high-ground, quit your job, if he wants to pursue the relationship and you want that, fine. But realize that, once he's 'got you' his incentive to leave his wife drops dramatically.

 

That feeling of it suddenly spiralling out of control is something I can really relate to. We had been friends for years, talked about everything imaginable, some pretty deep and personal issues, laughed, cried and I still didn't see it coming.

 

OP- believe me working together post-affair is tough enough. With a boss it would be intolerable and Circular is right, he will find an excuse to get rid of you if things turn sour.

[2sunny]

I would talk about stuff like that pretty frequently with different OM. It never meant that I was going to leave for them though - just that I was interested.

 

Never base your future with a MM on words - actions are all you can really count on, and in a lot of cases you can't really count on those either.

 

so true! even if he leaves his W - it doesn't matter since a LOT of MM tend to go running back to the W.

 

and even IF he divorces his W - many men such as him - have several OW hanging around. he's a player for sure... you are about to be hurt! step away!

[ladydesigner]

So true Circular my A was also workplace related. It makes it easier to develop an emotional bond with someone. You have all this down to a "T" in my past situation and you are right once my XAP knew he had me he dropped me like a rock.

[2sunny]

Honestly, the best thing you can do is quit your job, and lets talk reality, your going to lose your job one way or the other.

 

yep, for sure!

 

Take the high-ground, quit your job, if he wants to pursue the relationship and you want that, fine.

 

yep, then the whole office staff isn't privy to what you two have going on and talking and whispering about it behind your back. they know - it's always obvious! you are embarrassing yourselves every day you go to work. go get another job while you still have a reference.

 

But realize that, once he's 'got you' his incentive to leave his wife drops dramatically.

 

yep. he's not motivated to leave his wife now... he will be even less motivated to leave her once you sleep with him... don't have sex with him - it will make this mess bigger than it already is.

 

 

 

and he has said this:

 

he has made it clear he wants me but doesn't want an affair so I am in limbo at the minute.

 

he's telling you he doesn't even want an affair - he will have sex - then toss you aside! he's already told you that! so why risk making yourself miserable. he asking you if you will be his fool! don't do it. he has promised you less than nothing except to be his free sex - and to expect him to never leave his wife - even not interested in an affair (yes, we know he is lying on that too). it will be exhilarating at first and then so dark and scary afterwards.

 

you are expecting something he's not willing to give you. he's using his words and no action to manipulate you into doing something you know is going to hurt you.

 

until you see he is DIVORCED - and he still wants YOU - that is when you might actually be able to trust that he's a man that does what he says.

 

until then - nope!

 

run!

[HappyAtLast]

I know I could be being played but all I have to lose is my job he could lose his wife, his home, his career as a dentist and his practice if things got out of hand.Surely he wouldn't risk all of that for a quick fling???

 

 

Why do you think he would loose his home or his career as a dentist?

[Owl]

Unsure-

 

So you've received 10 responses all in the same light...telling you the same thing over and over.

 

I agree with them completely of course.

 

But being the action-oriented kind of advice giver I am...my question is this...now that you have the answer to your question...what are you going to do with that information?

[unsure10]

Well Owl, I am grateful for everyone's feedback and I know that most if not al of you know this from personal experience so I would be stupid to ignore your advice.

 

I believe that my boss has never cheated before (I know I know they all say that and it's to make you feel special etc etc) but he can't have done this before because he is completely clueless . . . kissing me in public, following me around like a puppy at work and taking me for lunch where people were bound to see us etc. Also, he looks shattered and says that he hasn't slept in days.

 

My gut feeling is that he wants to be with me in a proper relationship (he is quite an old fashioned kind of guy really - not your lady killer type). BUT . . . I am really not sure that he would have the guts to leave his unhappy marriage. He has said to me that he wouldn't stay with his wife just for the kids but I reckon it would be the ties (house, pensions, joint friends etc) that would stop him from leaving, if anything.

 

Please don't laugh when I say this but for the first time in my life I have met someone who is just like me . . . we have worked together for 6 months in one room, day in, day out and have been stressed with various situations . . . but never have I seen a nasty side to him or heard a bad word about him (other staff known him 20 years). I have fallen in love and I think he has too. I will not be sleeping with him as I already feel jealous of his wife and his other life so couldn't cope with getting even closer still. The thing is how do you go about getting a MM to leave his wife for you when you haven't had a full on affair? Does it ever happen???????

[ladydesigner]

Well Owl, I am grateful for everyone's feedback and I know that most if not al of you know this from personal experience so I would be stupid to ignore your advice.

 

I believe that my boss has never cheated before (I know I know they all say that and it's to make you feel special etc etc) but he can't have done this before because he is completely clueless . . . kissing me in public, following me around like a puppy at work and taking me for lunch where people were bound to see us etc. Also, he looks shattered and says that he hasn't slept in days.

 

My gut feeling is that he wants to be with me in a proper relationship (he is quite an old fashioned kind of guy really - not your lady killer type). BUT . . . I am really not sure that he would have the guts to leave his unhappy marriage. He has said to me that he wouldn't stay with his wife just for the kids but I reckon it would be the ties (house, pensions, joint friends etc) that would stop him from leaving, if anything.

 

Please don't laugh when I say this but for the first time in my life I have met someone who is just like me . . . we have worked together for 6 months in one room, day in, day out and have been stressed with various situations . . . but never have I seen a nasty side to him or heard a bad word about him (other staff known him 20 years). I have fallen in love and I think he has too. I will not be sleeping with him as I already feel jealous of his wife and his other life so couldn't cope with getting even closer still. The thing is how do you go about getting a MM to leave his wife for you when you haven't had a full on affair? Does it ever happen???????

 

It sounds as though you still want to pursue this affair. Most MM do not leave their wives. You could lose your job as well if things got really bad. I think you need to read more of the stories on this board to get a better idea of what happens with most of these affairs. Not many here will advise to just "go for it."

 

As to the bolded part if you continue with this relationship it will eventually turn physical. If you are already jealous of the wife, why even start?

 

Please take a step back and try to look at this from a far. Do you really want to start an affair with this man?

[Owl]

OK...here's the thing.

 

So what you're wanting is to "lure him away" from his wife???

 

He doesn't want to leave right now. He's made that clear.

 

But stop and re-read your own question real quick...

 

"...how do you go about getting a MM to leave his wife for you ..."

 

Think about what that means just to ask that question for a minute. Disregard anything else...just think about the fact that you seriously, honestly, up front asked that question. You asked this as an honest question, fully hoping to hear an answer to it.

 

How does that make you feel about yourself? What does it tell you about your situation? About how much this situation has changed you? About the kind of person it's molded you to become?

 

Is this really who you want to be?

 

Do you really and truly want to continue down this path?

 

If the answer is yes...then I'll leave it to others to help you answer that question. If no...then there are probably other questions that you should be seeking answers to.

 

I'm not trying to attack you, my friend. You've seen enough of my posts by now to have some sense of me. But I do think it's time for some serious introspection.

[MorningCoffee]

I have fallen in love and I think he has too. I will not be sleeping with him as I already feel jealous of his wife and his other life so couldn't cope with getting even closer still. The thing is how do you go about getting a MM to leave his wife for you when you haven't had a full on affair? Does it ever happen???????

 

Danger. Danger.

 

Very unlikely that he will leave, whether you have an affair or not.

 

I met my ex-AP/MW at work, too. Thought it was a shame she was in such a crappy marriage with a husband who did not appreciate her. I thought, wow, if she ever was free, how I would love to try to date her. Never in my wildest imaginings did I think she would ever be interested in me (I am many years older than she).

 

Fast forward about a year and a half -- had passed through colleague, to friend, to lunch get-togethers (we no longer worked together, so was casual and occasional), to an emotional connection, to an emotional affair, and then -- whammo! physical affair. Never thought I would ever engage in an affair, but there we were. In love, too. Big time.

 

I felt I would be fine, I went in with my eyes wide open. Another 9 months later, I needed and wanted more, so much more, but she decided to stay in her marriage. We stopped seeing each other and went NC.

 

That was 7 months ago. I am SLOWLY getting over the loss, and while I am glad to have had her love in my life, still, I am not proud of my behavior nor of the damage to her marriage and the hurt she and her husband have doubtless endured. I was bereft. That was when I found LS.

 

I have posted occasionally to reflect my experience, and I have gained so much from the others posting on this board. I learned that what I went through is a pretty typical affair pattern.

 

But only you can decide if you want to go down that road. If you do, be prepared for a roller coaster ride and a LOT of pain.

Edited October 8, 2010 by MorningCoffee

[BB07]

Unsure, there is something that hasn't been pointed out.

You just came out of a marriage. You have not gave yourself time to grieve or mourn it, it's a necessary evil and you need to consider that it's one reason you are getting so caught up with the dentist. To go right into something else, puts off the pain, feeds your self esteem and it's easy to forget that you have the ending of another relationship to mourn and you will have to mourn it sooner or later. I've learned this lesson the hard way.......in my past, you have to let go off the past before you can move on to the next. And this next........is not the right thing for you, you are going to be terribly hurt. Please wise up now.....before it's gone too far if it's not already.

[unsure10]

I know . . . I know all of this. I don't know what I am turning into I really don't. All I know is that I have fallen in love with this man and he is giving me enough attention to make me feel special and wanted but not enough to make me feel loved. There is NO WAY I am going to start sleeping with him . . . as much as I want to I know that when I do that it's game over as far as my state of mind goes. I am already gradually starting to want more from him as time is going on.

 

And now I have just asked on here how do I get a MM to leave his wife??? I don't want to split a family and I don't want to hurt his wife and kids but I want him!! I have written out my notice and whatever he says on Monday to try to get me to stay I am leaving in 4 weeks time. I know that if I see him at all it WILL GET PHYSICAL and after my split from my husband I am just not strong enough to deal with that too. So, unless he panics when he realises that he won't be seeing me again and decides to leave her and be with me (not likely) then this will all be over before it actually started (properly). This is really hard to do as I have loads of good friends at work now and I am happier then ever in my work but I think that is because of him and not the job itself.

 

Think it's a case of hurting a bit now rather than my life being turned upside down in the future. Head ruling heart now and it doesn't feel good let me tell you all

[Owl]

Think it's a case of hurting a bit now rather than my life being turned upside down in the future. Head ruling heart now and it doesn't feel good let me tell you all

 

It doesn't feel good now...but it surely will later when you get back a little something called self-esteem and self-respect.

 

When you can look back and say "It sucked, but it was the right thing to do".

[BB07]

I know . . . I know all of this. I don't know what I am turning into I really don't. All I know is that I have fallen in love with this man and he is giving me enough attention to make me feel special and wanted but not enough to make me feel loved. There is NO WAY I am going to start sleeping with him . . . as much as I want to I know that when I do that it's game over as far as my state of mind goes. I am already gradually starting to want more from him as time is going on.

 

And now I have just asked on here how do I get a MM to leave his wife??? I don't want to split a family and I don't want to hurt his wife and kids but I want him!! I have written out my notice and whatever he says on Monday to try to get me to stay I am leaving in 4 weeks time. I know that if I see him at all it WILL GET PHYSICAL and after my split from my husband I am just not strong enough to deal with that too. So, unless he panics when he realises that he won't be seeing me again and decides to leave her and be with me (not likely) then this will all be over before it actually started (properly). This is really hard to do as I have loads of good friends at work now and I am happier then ever in my work but I think that is because of him and not the job itself.

 

Think it's a case of hurting a bit now rather than my life being turned upside down in the future. Head ruling heart now and it doesn't feel good let me tell you all

 

Hon some part of you wants him to be your knight in shining armor and rescue you, but hon he CAN'T be, he has a WIFE and KIDS. It's real.....they are real, and taking him away from them, (which is unlikely to happen) will screw them up, cause a lot of hurt and pain to them and you. The dentist is flattered by your attention, he is older, probably a little bored in his marriage and both of you are fantasizing. Your self esteem is on the low, because of the break up of your marriage, you need the strokes this guy is giving you, he needs the strokes you are giving him, but truthfully there isn't any way this is going to turn out good. If it goes on, it's just going to be another affair, no more special or different than many others. The bad stuff it will leave you with is soooo not worth it. Both of you are feeding an addiction right now..those feelings, that high. It feels like love, but it's not.

[unsure10]

Ok so I have just had a text from MM (very rare as his wife uses his phone too) and he has just told me that he is missing me and that he loves me!!! I only saw him this afternoon at work and I cannot believe he has just told me that when I have just decided to leave and end this . . . why would he say that to me when I have not said it to him and I am not seeing him until Monday and as far as he is aware he has me just where he wants me anyway? Could he maybe, possibly, love me . . . really and truly what if he really has just fallen in love again??

 

QUESTION TO ALL - Do men who are married never fall in love with another woman and want to spend their lives together as they would do if they were single? Does that never happen? NEVER???

[donnamaybe]

Ok so I have just had a text from MM (very rare as his wife uses his phone too) and he has just told me that he is missing me and that he loves me!!! I only saw him this afternoon at work and I cannot believe he has just told me that when I have just decided to leave and end this . . . why would he say that to me when I have not said it to him and I am not seeing him until Monday and as far as he is aware he has me just where he wants me anyway? Could he maybe, possibly, love me . . . really and truly what if he really has just fallen in love again??

 

QUESTION TO ALL - Do men who are married never fall in love with another woman and want to spend their lives together as they would do if they were single? Does that never happen? NEVER???

It happens, but an MM who refuses to leave the M but keeps an OW dangling on a string? They love only themselves.

[seren]

Ok so I have just had a text from MM (very rare as his wife uses his phone too) and he has just told me that he is missing me and that he loves me!!! I only saw him this afternoon at work and I cannot believe he has just told me that when I have just decided to leave and end this . . . why would he say that to me when I have not said it to him and I am not seeing him until Monday and as far as he is aware he has me just where he wants me anyway? Could he maybe, possibly, love me . . . really and truly what if he really has just fallen in love again??

 

QUESTION TO ALL - Do men who are married never fall in love with another woman and want to spend their lives together as they would do if they were single? Does that never happen? NEVER???

 

Yes, I would imagine some do, BUT, the honourable one's leave their marriage before embarking on an affair. That way, neither the BS or the OP are strung along until they decide to make up their mind and be with one or the other.

Thing is, he is not single, he goes home to a family each and every night and lies, or he goes to work each day, sees you and lies. One has to be true. Single men or women are not living with someone and lying, because they don''t have to. I know I am stating the bleeding obvious, but he isn't acting like a single man - he is acting like a married man about to embark on an A.

Question is, Are you happy being the OW in this instance? or, Will you tell him to do the right thing and come down off the fence and be honest? in this way, his BS can go make her own life and you and he can sail into the sunset.

[Circular]

I don't think anyone is questioning if this man is fully capable of falling for and having the emotions of being in love with another woman. But, don't confuse love with lust or infatuation. Love is something that come with a good amount of time, sure it all starts similarly, but it's what happens after the infatuation stage that determines true depth of the relationship - like 6-12 months into the relationship.

 

I know exactly what you're going through, I know how it feels, I know your mind is reeling over the intimate moments and the text messages. And, I'm not going to downplay it because I know how intense it is, almost everyone that's posted here knows it.

 

READ THIS CAREFULLY: What your mind is doing, and it's the most screwy part of all of this is it's trying to convince you that everyone who is posting here is not telling you the truth, that your experience is uniquely different, that what you're feeling is bonafide and what he's feeling is bonafide. None of us truly understand your situation. Your MIND is trying to convince you of this. It's because what is driving it wants something so bad that it'll use every last resort to attain it's goal. And, his mind is doing the exact same thing.

 

Here's the raw deal once this phase starts to lift, once he feels his wife might get wind of the situation, once he spends time at home trying to figure out how to cover his tracks that high is going to slam down to the ground, he'll dose it up again by texting you, emailing you, calling you, whatever works. But it's going to get ugly quick and anyone whose been in it knows that this phase has the highest probability of getting caught.

 

No matter what, you need to quit your job. If you don't take any other advice, take that. Close quarters will turn into bad-news it's like pouring gasoline on a candle.

[HappyAtLast]

It happens, but an MM who refuses to leave the M but keeps an OW dangling on a string? They love only themselves.

 

Precisely what Donna said. I would never have disrespected my other woman by stringing her along. She was not the sort of woman who would have tolerated such things.