She broke up with me because of my issues. Where do i go from here?

[Capthxc]

Slightly long story, and this was a LDR, but we saw each other on a monthly basis.

 

Anyways, i met her about a year ago under random circumstances. She was still living with her ex at the time because she couldn't really move out, she was waiting until the start of the new year when she was done with school and what not. Her reasons for breaking it off with the ex were because he never tried to change, and he was very cold towards her at the end of the relationship.

 

What we had for the first 9 or 10 months of the relationship was beautiful. Lots of things were said about being soul mates, never loving someone as much as we loved each other, so on, so fourth. We both agreed that we had a certain level of comfort within each other whenever we were together, a comfort we never felt with anyone else. I have a few abandonment issues, and a few trust issues from exs in the past. I never really thought twice about previous exs cheating on me, but every other girl ive dated has, and has been brutally dishonest with me throughout the entire relationship. I didnt even date anyone for 4 years after the previous ex because of the scar she left me.

 

Alot of these issues came to surface every now and then, id get negative on myself, and she would be there to comfort me and push me through the tough times. It wasn't an every day thing, maybe once a month or so. But that didn't last. After i went to go see her in July everything was fine for a few weeks, and then my issues really started to surface come August. She used to tell me she fell in love with me because i was always willing to make a change, because i was a smart and witty guy that always made her laugh. Well come August, i don't even know where it came from, but i started getting on her case about everything. Who she talked to, why she was talking to them, if she went out id send her texts every half hour asking what she was up to. It got to the point to where she said she felt guilty whenever she went out with friends. I knew she wouldn't do anything, this is the first woman i've been with who was always honest with me. I kept promising change, but we would end up in that vicious cycle all over again. She suddenly became extremely distant from me, wasnt acting the same, wasnt showing any affection towards me what so ever. It made my situation 10 times worse.

 

Come September we were still going through the same issues. About 4 weeks ago the straw that broke the camels back came about when i got really mad at her for assuming she was giving me attitude. She said thanks for assuming things and then took off, had to get out of the house. We had an argument that lasted for hours through texting. She said things i would have never expected her to say, like how ive been acting like a crazy ******* since i came out to see her last, how she thinks im trying to push her to see how far she would go, how i've been fluctuating between super jealous and cold lately. I got mad at the situation and told her that being distant isnt helping my situation, and she just flat out told me she doesnt know what to do anymore, doesnt know how to help me. I tried telling her that acting distant from me is the worst possible thing she could do, and she said she is only doing it to protect her own sanity. Thats when i kind of backed off for a little bit, then told her i knew what she wanted to see from me, and that was confidence in the relationship and in myself. About an hour later she responded with yeah, but she wants some space right now.

 

 

Well i tried my hardest to give her space, and the next day i messaged her asking if she was still upset, she said of course she's still upset, and giving her space doesnt mean texting her to ask how she is. I went out to the bar with a friend whom i havent seen in a year that night, he was also in a LDR that resulted in his girlfriend moving down south with him after about 3 years. He told me i just cant get mad over the little things. Well later that night when i got home, i was a little drunk. I got it in my head that if i continued to give her space she would just leave me, so i sent her a message. Thats when it all went downhill.

 

She said "You're obviously not going to give me the space i need, so say what you want to say." I asked her if she still felt the same about me, and if i should look towards a future with her in it. She said she didnt feel the same right now, and asked if i could really blame her. That's when she said she wasnt happy with the relationship right now, and didnt want to do it right now. I flipped out, went straight into desperation mode and begged for a last chance. She said she couldnt give me another chance because she has given me more chances than any other exs in the past, and she said she really wanted to believe we could work this out, but i'm just not changing. She said she wanted to value our connection, and stay friends. I flipped out, said i couldnt do that, and if she wanted to break up with me id block her from my contact lists and remove her from FB. She said she really wished things didnt have to come down to that, and thats when we said our goodbyes, and i removed her from FB and blocked her.

 

Not even a day later i came to regret my decision. I sent her a bunch of messages saying how i still value what we had, and id love to stay friends. How i always thought of her as a best friend and i dont want to lose an important person from my life. No answer. I come to find out through a friend that she was talking to someone she told me she wouldnt really talk to anymore. This guy who had a crush on her, and talked a lot of **** about me because of this said crush. I lashed out at her, told her thanks for kicking me while im down. She mentioned how ive been signing in and out of her voice chat server, and then said she wasnt talking to him to hurt me, or out of spite. She said she was only talking to him because hes still a friend, and she didnt want to talk to him while we were together because of the drama that would ensue.(i told her i would flip out on this guy if he ever came around)I quickly apologized, and said maybe she can understand because of all the emotions i've been going through. She said she understood, and that was the end of that. I tried to send her an e-mail a week later, with some emotional ties still stuck in the e-mail, but over all it was to tell her i accept the break up, and that im going to make some changes in my life.

 

The thing is, when we broke up, she told me i've been really bi-polar lately. She said i need to make some changes for myself before i work on this relationship or any relationship in the future. When we said our goodbyes she told me she really hopes that the things she taught me and the love she gave me sticks, and that im able to push forward and not live in the past because of it.

 

Part of me is afraid shes going to despise me because of how i acted towards the end of the relationship, talk about me like she did with her previous ex. It's been 3 weeks since ive said anything to her, and i'm starting to get the feeling that she just doesnt care anymore, like she has already forgotten about me. Friends and family have told me to just stay in no contact with her, to allow her to let me back into her life on her own accord. At the same time im tempted to send her another e-mail, one that isnt so emotionally driven. One that simply says thank you for everything she has given me, and letting me realize that its possible for me to actually love someone again after the scars that were left behind from my previous relationship. Nothing too serious, and it would have my contact info on it since im pretty sure she got rid of some of it. What's really confusing me is that even after all my desperation and messages she still hasnt blocked me on FB, she hasnt blocked me on any of our messengers, just ignores me. Makes me think shes waiting for me to iniate contact whenever i feel like the dust has settled.