tigressA Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 I'm a control freak. I have a need to control things around me--in particular, other people and their reactions to me. It's to the point that I stifle my true thoughts/needs/desires because I am afraid that I will not get the reaction that I want or predict. I do/say things that provoke very predictable reactions, and this gives me a sense of power. When I don't get a reaction I want or predict, I lash out. When I feel I'm in control of something, I feel secure. I have a great fear of vulnerability. I also "make mountains out of molehills". I overreact to small things that, in the bigger picture, are meaningless. I make things all about me. I hate to hear criticism from people close to me; I always see it as a personal attack, and then I will refuse to change just out of spite. I always say I'm "sorry" but I never really mean it; I never want to admit that I was "wrong" for overreacting, or seeing things that were never there. I'm not really sure how to start, what questions to ask myself, etc. I have started with a mantra of sorts. "I cannot control anyone or anything else but me. Once I start living this, the happier I will be." Anyone got any other tips for me?
Jannah Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 I think this is something everyone can relate to. I view it as a learning process where one needs to implement certain coping technqiues, introspection and management of certain thoughts that cause you distress and identifying the triggers that are responsible for them. I know there are workbooks available in the self development section of your local bookstore, that assists with this exact thing. I've done a couple of them, but there are still certain things that can make my blood boil where I actually feel myself seething. You've already indentified and started the process in helping yourself with it, that is terrific! Two air finger snaps and an around the world girl dance, for you!!
tman666 Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 I think that fear is the key here. You need to address your fears of not being in control and your fears of being judged when taking criticism. Sometimes the only way to get over a fear is to take it on the chin, so to speak. When you realize that life can ebb and flow around you instead of having to be directly affecting or affected by you, it allows you to view things more objectively, rather than emotionally. People will judge you no matter what you do, so there is no point in being afraid of it. Let you be the judge of yourself. Sometimes it's good to take a third person perspective when dealing with some of this stuff. When someone criticizes you, take a virtual step backwards from yourself and objectively look at whether or not the criticism is warranted. Before saying that you're sorry about something, ask yourself if an apology from you is necessary or sincere. In an argument, shrug off personal attacks and snide comments and instead focus on what the person is trying to get across, and then listen to them. Focus on trying to have discussions rather than battles that escalate from each person taking offense to everything the other said. Personally, I sometimes just have to tell myself to not be so fragile. Blow off steam in ways that do not result in confrontation. For me, this is the gym.
Author tigressA Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 Thanks, guys. This is all really helpful. Jannah, I am proud of the fact that I am able to admit I have problems with this and want to work on them. It does make me feel good. The actual implementation of change is the harder part. Tman, I love the idea of the 3rd person perspective. I would do well to think about whether or not the criticism is warranted, and think of whether or not an apology is really needed. The more I think about it, the more pointless saying "I'm sorry" or "I apologize" seems. It's not like it really takes anything back or solves anything. It almost seems like it's more for one's own benefit rather than the other person's. I find I prefer when someone says "I was wrong/I acted badly", owning up to what they said/did. So why can't I do that? Haha. I talk about what I prefer others to do and yet I don't do it myself.
Not the love ace Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 It takes a lot for you to admit this and its so funny how much it reminds me of an ex best friend of mine. She was or rather is still the same way. She always feels that she has to control every aspect of her life. From her family dynamics to her friends. When it comes to friends she likes to control the chemistry between everyone and if she see's people hooking up who she doesn't want to see; she'll try to control that too. Everyone close to her she tries to control in every possible way and the funny thing is-no one else notices it and she is happily content when people do her bidding. I noticed that she kind of also installs like a mindset in people that make them believe she's always right and no one ever disagrees with her (except her boyfriend but that's okay with her). Sometimes I can tell people want to disagree with her but are hesitant because she plays moral doctor with people and has a way of making them feel guilty of going against her word. Its quite miraculous how she can talk people into what she wants them to do. Anyone who goes against her thoughts or ways I think she gets mad and looks at that person as "defiant" or a "challenge" and I don't think she likes when someone goes against her ways. I noticed how she's been like that with me since I have been doing her bidding and she's lashed out at me. She's also very observant of herself and always likes to get a her reaction and if she doesn't she gets a fit. Unlike her, I'm glad you're noticing that though and realized that its not healthy. There's nothing wrong with not having control of certain things, because in the end those stuff that you want to control; just aren't worth controlling in retrospect and are just like you said-meaningless. The things you want control over really won't benefit you in the long run and there's nothing to gain from it since its just trivial stuff you're wasting your energy on. Just be happy with who you are and what you have around you. Not everything needs to be controlled and just isn't worth it in the end.
Author tigressA Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 Thanks, Ace. I can feel the changes happening already. I'm talking to a couple friends via IM and I would delete the phrase "I wonder if..." or any related phrases before I sent a message. I'm actively thinking, "There's no use in conjecturing. There's no use concerning myself with something that hasn't even happened yet, that may not even happen at all." I'm already starting to let go and see things just for what they are, not searching for other possibilities under the surface. Yay me!
redmelon Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 The audiobook "Feel the Fear, and do it anyway" by Susan Jeffers, may be of service to you...
skydiveaddict Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 I'm a control freak. Then you must do something completely out of your control. Where you must give yourself over totally to faith in yourself and your ability to do the right thing, regardless of others.
Feelin Frisky Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 Well, admitting you're a **** is an excellent start. (I typed in the asterisks. I wouldn't risk using that word.)
Author tigressA Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 So, I thought I'd give a little update. I've been making major strides, I'm really liking it. I'm able to catch myself when I start wondering/worrying what someone will think if I do or say something, tell myself, "Who cares?" and do it. I find I'm being much more appreciated by people around me. And I feel that I have been able to truly connect with them, and myself, once I stopped trying to manipulate everything. I've been able to really open myself up to my boyfriend, too. I wrote him an email yesterday afternoon that I had been wondering if I should compose. I thought, "I shouldn't, I don't know what he'll think of it..." Then I thought, "Why should I care? I can't control his thoughts, I can't control his reactions to me." So I wrote it, I sent it, and whaddya know: he loved it. I still have a ways to go, of course. But I like that I'm able to recognize the changes in myself so far.
Oscar Wilde Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 I've been able to really open myself up to my boyfriend, too. I wrote him an email yesterday afternoon that I had been wondering if I should compose. I thought, "I shouldn't, I don't know what he'll think of it..." Then I thought, "Why should I care? I can't control his thoughts, I can't control his reactions to me." So I wrote it, I sent it, and whaddya know: he loved it. I still have a ways to go, of course. But I like that I'm able to recognize the changes in myself so far. You're doing well TigressA! Bests regards, O. Wilde
Teknoe Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Good job T! Proud of ya. I think I have some SC issues myself. In fact, whenever I'm in a leadership position, I find myself subtly trying to manipulate the situation into my favor. It's also something I'll have to work on.
Truthseeker-John Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 It is about identity but tigress, aren't we all part of the same?
Truthseeker-John Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 So, I thought I'd give a little update. I've been making major strides, I'm really liking it. I'm able to catch myself when I start wondering/worrying what someone will think if I do or say something, tell myself, "Who cares?" and do it. I find I'm being much more appreciated by people around me. And I feel that I have been able to truly connect with them, and myself, once I stopped trying to manipulate everything. I've been able to really open myself up to my boyfriend, too. I wrote him an email yesterday afternoon that I had been wondering if I should compose. I thought, "I shouldn't, I don't know what he'll think of it..." Then I thought, "Why should I care? I can't control his thoughts, I can't control his reactions to me." So I wrote it, I sent it, and whaddya know: he loved it. I still have a ways to go, of course. But I like that I'm able to recognize the changes in myself so far.Ah! Progress!
Div Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 The audiobook "Feel the Fear, and do it anyway" by Susan Jeffers, may be of service to you... I can HIGHLY recommend this book as well. It has helped me in countless ways in dealing with fear and control.
mohdhm Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I feel the need to say thanks for trying to change yourself, it must be quite challenging, this is coming from a person who suffered under a CF most of his life.
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